Breathing is Optional

I am sure there are so many around me that believe if I only tried I could be handling this stronger, better. But I have tried so hard and I haven't much strength left. In fact making it to the car to take my kids where they need to go is all I can get done. I am spent. My heart is aching so much. I can't get the sadness out. I am watching my loved ones struggle everyday because of the accident. I can't do it anymore. It is tearing me apart. I love them so much. How could this be happening to our family? Isn't it enough? I can't make it better. It needs to be better. He will soon be 18, but not really because he is no longer here. Oh I miss you Lough.

1st Day of School

WOW. I don't know where to start. We just got home from our first family vacation in 2 years and it was really pleasant. It wasn't perfect. It was crowded(I mean really crowded) in a place I never thought would be crowded. I guess we picked a bad weekend to go but it was the only weekend we could go. Then the next day we started school. The 1st day of school. I have to say it was one of the worst days I have had since losing Loughlin. He would be a senior this year and there is so many things that go along with him being a senior; graduating, college, mission and everything I have dreamed for him my whole life. The pain was excruciating and all I wanted to do was find relief, but there is no relief from this. I remember after losing Rhiannon that I would watch other little girls grow up and there was always this dull numbing pain almost like a sick nauseated stomach. It never has gone away, even after having my other children just a dull aching pain. With Lough this pain is intense, screaming. I am physically sick. I drive down the road and yell out my angst. I am angry ohhhhhh I am angry. Don't you know this isn't fair? Don't you know there could not be a loving God and allow this kind of non-ending pain? I did this!!!! I am the reason my son cries and is unsure of himself when he use to be so confident. The guilt, the shame, the grief and sorrow, you can't know how this feels, that it will never go away. Yes, people lie to you and say it gets better but it doesn't. I think they say that to make themselves feel better, not because they are concerned about you. Then the Believers around me Congratulate themselves when good things happen in their lives, they are blessed. God is Great! What? I don't understand that thinking. Is God looking out for them but not me? How can it work like this. Are they really more chosen, more loved? And I am left in a life full of misery without my children. Please someone explain this to me. I can make no sense of it anymore.

Remind Me to Move that Truck

Yesterday night on the way home from town, Harlen remembered he needed to move a truck out of the field. He said, "Remind me to move that truck". The same words he uttered almost 3 years ago, but I didn't remind him, because it was Sunday and I wanted him home with us. So stupid to be so selfish over a few minutes and now I have a lifetime without my son to bless my life. I hate feeling so responsible for his death but no matter how you spin it, I did it. I have tried so hard to see it another way, that it was an accident and there was nothing I could do about it, but that is not true. I could have prevented it in so many ways, and yet I made so many mistakes that day and even the day before. I miss you so much Loughlin. Football camp today. Cy and True are gone. It is so quiet without my boys here, especially my oldest. What I wouldn't give away for just one more look, hug, day with you here.

Fair isn't Fair

Our family spent the last week at Fair as we have since Loughlin was in the 5th grade. For the most part it is an exhausting event. We wake up at 6:00 am and return back home at about 11 pm. The kids wash, feed and show their steers. It was a great year on performance. Cyrus won Reserve Grand Champion in FFA with his steer. True and Maya both recieved second place in there class. It is the best we have done in years, but yes here comes the BUT......This year Loughlin would be a senior. Many of his friends attended fair. The Nyssa senior class was in charge of trash everyday. We got to see so many of his classmates and it hurt. It hurt to see them so grown up and moving on. It hurt to see them with their girlfriends having fun. It hurt so much. He will forever be 15 years old. The world still revolves. The seasons change but he will always remain the same. My heart is aching so much this morning.

never enough

Why? So many why's. Why at the age of 18, so young, not so innocent, but alone, did that dear sweet baby not wake up? I didn't know anything about being a mom, but I loved her. I never had ever felt that kind of love. That love that reaches in you, touches your soul. That love that takes you from me to her, everything for her. I would have given anything for her, to her but You took her away before I could even have a chance to prove my worth, and at my hands. I should have been there for her. I should have woke up. I should have breathed life back into her but I failed. Then the anger came and I hated You. There was no hope for me. I drank, tried to drink the pain away but it was there always there. I found ways to push it down so I could be NORMAL. I hid her from the world, not because of her but because of me, because I knew no one would accept a girl like that, not in this community, religion. So you didn't know me, not me, not the me that stayed awake with each baby, slept with a hand on their bellies to feel them breath, that never wanted to be without them. I wanted to be that mom, you know the one that could actually keep their baby alive and I did. I put them first, even at the cost of Harlen, but every moment was so precious to me, every smile, every cry, every step. I really thought I had made it. Lea was 4. I tried to love them. I tried my best to make their lives special. I tried to let them know how much I loved them everyday. I couldn't stand to be away from them to long, 3 days tops. I hurt without them near me. I was just driving them to school. I didn't like the bus, what they heard and learned there. I thought I was protecting but I failed again. I didn't see that truck. I want to scream. Why didn't I see that damn truck? He was just laying there,no warmth, no laughter, no smile. Gone. The pain so wrenching you can't breath. Why? His life so promising, why him? How do I go on without him? He was mine and You ripped him away from me. If this is a test, I am an utter failure. I am shattered, sweep me into the dust pan and dispose of me. I am yelling........THIS IS NOT FAIR...... don't tell me that everyone is tested with fire. Where? When? How? My relationship with Lough is decorating his grave. I miss him so much and with Rhiannon well not even that. The bystanders sit back and judge, tell me my kids here need me, need more than I am giving. You don't understand how hard I try but it is never enough. It will never be enough. I will never be enough, not now, shattered, broken, tarnished. Is it suppose to be this hard.

The Devil's Spawn

"He's a good kid, he really is." This coming from a man whom 2 years ago wouldn't utter a word to someone he deemed lower than him on that totem pole of life. But now oh now he has found God. He is different. He has changed. He feels it necessary to tell a mom not once but three times what a good kid she has. Is this so surprising? Is it unbelievable? He has ALWAYS been a good kid, not bratty, not spoiled, very kind. My mother bear claws are out. The fangs are sharp. Somehow it would be productive if you could come down off that grand palace you think you belong on and notice that there is change in everyone.If you could get up from the feast you call life long enough to pull the Silver Spoon out of your mouth you might be able to see through those filthy spectacles you use to judge everyone in your midst and see how things really are. 2 1/2 years down 2 1/2 years to go!!!! I am sure if we pray we can all make it through.

Realm of Reality

I have a great desire to escape this realm of reality. I have tried so hard to fit in but there is no fitting in. There is no pleasing. There is no way that I can make you see that, that was not me. That was an impostor feeling the cavities of my existence. Now I am back but the shell that the alien left for me to occupy isn't desirable. She made a mockery of my love, my life and there is no possibility of getting it back, of getting back to how it was, even though it was far from perfect. This impostor stole my identity. I know it is difficult to grasp the gravity of this thought process, but look at me screaming for some sort of peace, and just as I have it in my grip, it is flung into the emptiness that has become my soul. A withered heart is just that dead. I thought there was hope with nourishing and love that it might return to it's once broken state but the hope is diminished with each passing hour. I will stay. I will be my children's mom. I will put on that face, the one that is farther from the truth and I will perform my earthly duty. They need more but I am incapable of providing that for them. I am trying to love but the pain is excruciating. Walls are so much easier, safe.

May

I have never been so glad for one month to end and for another to begin. UUUUGGGGHHHHH!

Rhiannon's Angel Day

Today marks 23 years since you left me. I miss you. Your birthday and angel day both landed on Monday as it did when you blessed my life. Your headstone so far away. I wish I could visit you.

Loving

Ripe for the Pickin'

I have debated with myself about posting this. In the past I have been accused of being anti-church. (Which I was really just anti-God, anti-everything, Bitter and angry, touched with a bit of mania) But whatever makes one think they are right about another.

Sunday our LDS missionaries spoke in church. The one was talking about how it is our responsibility as church members to find contacts for them. True True. But then she babbled on about how if you knew someone that had just had a baby or LOST A CHILD they would be a perfect contact.?????????

Really?????????????????

Now the anger comes out. Look into the heart of someone that has lost a child and you might find anger, and sorrow and bitterness but a chance to convert ?????EEEEEEKKKKKKKKK

WOW! I thought I had heard most of it but I was so far from wrong!

Judgement

How does it feel to be perfect? To sit in judgement of all of those around you? To think that you know what is in their heart? To think without asking what they are feeling? What they have been through? That one has suffered greatly and one deserves to suffer more, everyday? That one is asked to pay penance for a life sentence? If not for those children that light up the life of one she would rather pay an eternity in hell than one more day on this treacherous earth? That the soul is weary and the heart is crushed. Famished for peace. Thirsty for the light that never comes. My Grandma called it torture, without faith, hell. Well I am without faith. Would Christ leave you on the side of the road without healing, as you cry out have mercy on me? I believe He would. It seems some aren't worth healing.

Scholarship Night

Tonight I am suppose to be able to put on a smiley face and present scholarships to two of Loughlin's best friends. I know, I know what you all are thinking, It has been 2+ years. Get a grip. But on the other hand I should be accompanying my 17 yr old son to all of his Senior friends parties and graduations, not handing out money in his name.

Today the air is so very heavy. The stars swirling around my head. My lips are numb. My heart aches. I am tired.

The scholarship handing out went smoothly. I love these two young men we gave the scholarships too. I know there future will hold much. I didn't mean to take away their happiness. Just bittersweet.

23 Years

Yesterday was Rhiannon's 23rd birthday. On a day like that you can't help wonder what life would be like if she was still here. She would be a high school graduate, maybe college, maybe married. I might even be a grandma. It's hard to say I miss her. I can hardly remember her smell, her touch, her smile. I do grieve for the time I missed with her. I am sad that my life took this turn and losing Loughlin only emphasized her loss.

So Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. I wish I could have held you and raised you but I still love you everyday.

Enduring

Today I am enduring, nothing more. My hands are shaking. There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep. Why does the world keep turning?

Scout Camp 2008

Here are 2 videos from the scout camp right before we lost Loughlin. He just got a flip video for a gift and took it along. The first is Loughlin and Cyrus on the rope bridge they made. I am posting the second because you can hear Loughlin's laughter as he is holding the camera. I miss his laugh so much.

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Trump Card

I have never been a great lover of board games or even card games. I would rather watch a movie or read a book. I would rather even do dishes than play games, but trying to play a game with someone who holds a trump card is hell. It is trying and trying only to be cut down at your knees every time you seem to be rolling a 12, or at that a 2. It isn't fun anymore. I could be holding 3 of a kind but with that card that is hidden under his leg, even though you have seen him draw a crappy hand he can pull off a victory, and not only that throw it in your face, jump around and do the belly dance, ruin your day, maybe your week, but I am in charge of my life and I choose not to play the game anymore.

2 Steps Forward--One Step Back

It seems these days I spend most of my time making up the difference from the days before, trying to keep this forward progress. I am growing weary but there is some fight still in me. I have felt terrible for over a week. Well that is nothing new except for the fact that i felt good for about a week before that. Now I know what life could be, should be and I want a part of it. so here's to finding a new way to feel good again. Wish me luck.

Mother's Day, then Maya's birthday, then Rhiannon's birthday, then Cyrus' birthday, then Rhiannon's angel day, so many ups and downs in this month. I need some good energy.

Questions?

Just a short post to ask a simple question. I have been reading a lot about the tornadoes and destruction in the South. I read one comment that said , "God has blessed us today, all of our family made it out alive." If this statement is true, what does that say about the ones who didn't survive?

Were the one that survived God's chosen? Then the ones that died were???????..........And then so on, were those families not blessed?

I tire of this conversation but it really makes little sense to the sensible mind.

Our boys are Juniors after all

Today while eating lunch with Harlen, one of Loughlin's old friends mother struck up a conversation with me. She was asking how the kids were doing, how old they were? After I told her she said that's hard to believe but our boys are Juniors after all. No your boy is a junior and mine well........The jury is still out. I thought I was ok with what she said but I am not, now I am back in that feeling sorry for me state. I HATE THIS LIFE!!!!!! Everyone around me is growing, moving and I am stuck. He has 2. I have 5. what will be the final count?

The Easter Promise

You would think that Easter would make a parent of a child, who has died, peaceful, but quite the opposite can be said for me. I have been angry for about 4 days. I couldn't get my head around why, but I know why now. I am having the same reaction as I do to talks and lessons on Death and Resurrection. I feel like screaming at the top of my voice, "BRING HIM BACK TOO." Crazy, I know but I can't rid my mind of the turbulence it causes. I can handle Rhiannon's death a little easier because of the promise of raising her, if it is all true, but Loughlin will never experience any of those events teenagers and young adults do. Please don't give me that he is doing more important things. What could possibly be more important than being the most incredible big brother on the planet. His siblings need him, and isn't there a saying "Family First", just not for our family.

Different Places

In the last 3 weeks I am in a different place in this mourning process. I can breath. I don't think anyone that hasn't lost a child could know this feeling or even some that have lost a child couldn't .( I never felt this after losing Rhiannon) For 2+ years I actually breathed in, fully in my lungs but never felt any relief. The feeling when you lift your head to breath at the pool and a wave comes crashing in your mouth is close to this but it is as if every time you lift your head, every time you need that air it is not there. I now get some relief some of the time. I am happier. I feel like maybe I can make it through this life. I can actually say that I get in my car to drive and don't pray that someone will take me out of this misery. I am getting closer everyday to my husband and my children. I think for a time I believed that if I backed away and something happened to any of them it wouldn't hurt this bad again. I think the EMDR is helping. I still have so far to go though. My testimony is struggling still. In conference I would listen to the talks and if it mentioned trial, adversity or even eternal life, I toned out. I can't listen to it. I will never believe this was for my good. Everyday I miss Loughlin & Rhiannon so much. This life seems to drag on without them and yet seems to fly by with the rest of my babies. They are all so grown up.

South Dakota

I spent the weekend with Harlen traveling over a thousand miles to a bull sale in south Dakota. We were exhausted when we arrived home last night at 12:30 in the morning. It was a fun trip though. We drove and drove and drove. We awoke early Saturday morning(4am) and drove 4 hrs so that we would have enough time to find a bull we liked. The only problem is they had received 18 inches of snow the day before and postponed the sale 3 hrs. Lost winks.....We found a great bull though and made it back to the hotel a lot later than we had planned, just to wake the next morning and drive 10 1/2 hrs home. Traveled through West Yellowstone and saw wild Buffaloes and Big Horn sheep, about 3 ft of snow on the side of the road. Listened to conference again on the way. When do you think those adversity and eternal life talks will get any easier? I find myself getting better at toning them out.

Dragging Feet

OK confession time. I haven't had a valid driver's licence in over a year. No I'm not vain and I am not worried about a new picture and weight question. Really things in my life are far from trivial. I think subconsciously I have wanted to get caught without one, then I would not get to drive. I would not have to have my kids in the car with me where I am totally responsible for their well being, where I don't trust myself any longer, where the sounds and lights and memories flood in without any dam to hold them back. When I drive I am a nervous wreck, cars on both sides of me, it feels as if I am being swallowed up in this huge wave. I am not in control. You would think after 2+ years I would have lost some of this but no it is here, it is so strong that I really wished I would have lost my right to drive.

Now Cyrus also has been 15 for almost a year. He has had no desire to get his permit. I can't imagine why?(sarcasm added) I probably have even subconsciously aided in his reluctance to drive. Now you all know how seriously insane I am. And on top of all that Loughlin had asked for a month before he died if he could go get his permit but I always had some excuse not to take him. GUILT on top of ANXIETY sugared with PANIC doused with a large amount of GRIEF not a very good mix.

Long beginning to a short story. Well today we got it all together, the two of us, and went to the DMV to take the test. We missed the time deadline by 15 minutes.Actually had all of our paperwork in order. REALLY? Now I have to get the courage to do it all again tomorrow. Even if I pass the test I have to pass a driving test. I will be a lot worse than a 16 year old. Maybe I still won't be legal to drive. I need something for my nerves tonight. I am what I did 2 years ago. WRECK!!!!!

Funny how

It's funny how you feel like you are getting better for a while. I even caught myself with a real gut laugh, you know the kind when your whole body trembles. My girls and I were laying in my bed and Lea said something so funny that we sat and laughed for about 10 minutes. Then in church on Sunday we were sitting by this great family who has kids about the same age as mine and we were probably being too noisy then at the end of the meeting the long praying lady got up to say the closing prayer. I know some will think I am being sacrilegious but every ward has one, one that their prayer is like a sermon with brief intermissions that they become all eclept . (SNL church lady word) Anyway I found myself laughing when True's best friend gave out a snore. It was a sincere belly laugh. I can't remember the last time I had done that.

But then today I awoke with this feeling of dread again, of longing, missing. My heart is so heavy. I read birthday wishes on Facebook of some of Loughlin's old friends turning 17. 17, what would he be today? What would he look like? What would he do in his spare time? What would his car look like? Prom was last weekend, all of these things hurt, hurt so much. My soul is once again in agony. Cyrus and True went flying yesterday for scouts. I was a basket-case. The thought of them being in a plane together and something going wrong was horrifying. Harlen kept telling me they still have to live, but I worry so much. The pilot told Harlen they have a greater chance of getting in a car wreck on the way to Ontario than crashing in a plane. Thanks for reminding..........

Telemarketers and a new low

I really am trying to keep up a good attitude, turn over this new leaf that seems to be working, but the powers that be seem to always work against me. After the cemetery debacle, I woke up yesterday determined to find some kind of good in the day. I had breakfast with my hubby came home with the energy to get it done. Then the phone rang and I answered, usually I don't answer unknown numbers but hey I am turning over that new leaf I can handle about anything, I thought. The lady says, Hello Mrs. Garner....I was wondering if your son is interested in some SAT material to help him do well on the test. I kept listening, Cyrus is a sophomore. She continues I am sure it would be helpful to your son, Loughlin still is planning to go to college?. At that moment my heart dropped, my soul ached. I replied no he isn't, he died. Gulp, Tears.....She returned with sorry, click! I am sorry too. I spent the rest of the day picking my tattered heart up off the ground. I am sure there will be many more where that come from. The college offers come in the mail at a rate of once a week. I am still missing you son, every moment of every day. Wish I could hear your voice.

Cemetery woes

*****Update****

I just got back from the cemetery. Everything and I mean everything was piled in this huge pile full of crap and dead flowers and I am angry. They only clean off the graves 2 weeks after Memorial Day and then they post it in advance. I have been crying since. I feel the Mother Bear coming out. There is not much i can do for my son now but I can keep his grave beautiful.

Harlen and i just drove past the cemetery and all of the flowers, chimes and other decorations were gone. I knew they cleaned up after Memorial Day but have no idea why it is all gone today. The cemetery was haunting without the bright colors to glimmer it up. I have been awful careful about keeping his little space looking nice. I can't keep the house up but I can keep that little area looking beautiful. Off to find out what is going on.

Happy B-Day Giles

I think some who read this blog might think that i am always down, always distressing. I have a busy life, 5 kids and a husband whom I love. We have a farm and ranch that keeps all 7 of us so busy. My heart aches each and everyday over the loss of our son. This blog is my way to sort through the raw feelings that make their way into my heart and soul and mind. When I get them out on the computer screen I can take the good and leave the bad but at least I get them out.

I could start using it as somewhat of a journal too but it is hard to mix the sane and insane so lets just keep it insane........

Giles had his 9th birthday on Saturday. He got tons of money, which he loves, and had a blast at the Y with his family and four friends. He is one lucky boy. He shares that b irthday with my beloved Grandma and a wonderful cousin both of whom I miss a so much.

Punishment

What would you like me to do? I think he has been punished enough......... Is it about punishment?

Hands

Every person, every child has a reason why they died, but a mother's pain and guilt is strong when that reason lies solely in her own hands.

"Already it is time to depart, for me to die, for you to go on living. Which of us takes the better course, is not known to anyone but God." Socrates

My Little Miss Maya

I just finished my first special ed meeting for Maya. Our last school was hesitant about getting Maya any help, in fact it was like pulling teeth to get them to consider it. After visiting an incredible neuropsychologist the first of this year, he has brought a lot to the attention of Harlen and I and also our new school. Maya is doing better. We have the most wonderful 5th grade teacher on the planet and I am so grateful for that. Maya has passed both state tests and only one left to go. I am grateful for all of this.(She hadn't passed any since the accident) I know this meeting was not about me and yet I had to sit and listen to the SE teacher keep saying ," well she will qualify for more help if we meet some criteria, and then she proceeded with one of them is a TBI (traumatic brain injury) well there is no question she has had that". OK, I know she has had that but I am wondering how many times in a 1 hour meeting we can clearly point out that I am totally responsible for this TBI and really whatever I do now will not make up for the fact that I ran into a farm truck and changed our lives for the negative forever. She didn't really point this out but everytime she mentioned the TBI, I was sick, sick in my heart and in my head and the bile was clearly coming up my throat. UUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2nd week

The second week of EMDR has been extremely easier. My appointments have been on Fridays and today marks the 4th day after and I feel better. I felt a little joy yesterday with my kids doing our normal night routine. I felt joy spending the day with Harlen, I was knee deep in mud at a farm sale, and yet I had a good time. Today I am alone in the house, kids in school, Harlen off to another farm sale, I hope I don't take a uturn back. I hope I can keep making progress. I just wish now that I could feel peace, some sort of peace. I just miss Loughlin so much. My heart breaks everytime I think about what could have been.

EMDR and the first week..........

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)¹ is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies².

EMDR psychotherapy is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.

During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is "dual stimulation" using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set.

Have had actually a worse week since starting this treatment. The memories are so raw. I really am wearing down. I feel like giving up even with everything that is around me. I am exhausted beyond what I ever thought possible. I want to see Loughlin & Rhiannon again. I want to feel my Grandma's arms around me but most of all I just want to find out if there really is another side. I really have tried to get a testimony of it all but it is not coming. I read and pray and read and pray and when I am tired of that I read and pray some more. The promise is there, "Ask and it shall be given". The darkness surrounds me when I can't feel anything. I go to his grave wanting to feel his spirit but he isn't there. The thought of him in the ground, nothing left, takes over. I try to push it out but he is gone, she is gone, all we have is this existence here and I don't want it anymore. I would rather be nothing.

Drive safe to school

My kids love to pray, well at least the younger ones. Tonight I said their night prayers with them. My little Lea said, "Please bless we are safe on the way to school." Agony. I made it just out of the room before I fell to pieces. I am not saying they have never said it before they have and each time I fall to pieces. Will I ever forgive myself? I wish I could live these last 2 1/2 years over again.Ooooh Loughlin, I am so so sorry. I miss you so much!

EMDR

I started with an EMDR specialist today. I am holding out high hopes that he can help me deal with this a little better. I am sure I am stuck in this grieving process. It isn't getting any easier. Sometimes I still don't believe I will make it through.

When pain out weighs responsibilities that is when this choice will get easier.

Dream?

Today I awoke to someone calling "mom" I called back,"I'm right here" but no one answered. It was 5 am none of my children were awake yet and still I knew I had heard it so clearly. I cannot breath now. My heart aches, my soul hungers to hear Loughlin's voice. Was it a dream? I am beginning, it seems, back at the first of this grieving process again and I don't want to do it again. I am so tired of longing for a son whom I will never see on this earth again.

Sweet Mercies

Wednesday night I sat down to fold some clothes and a sock caught my wedding ring. I looked down to find my diamond gone. I started crying, now bawling. I looked franticly everywhere I could think. I said a small prayer. I loved my ring. Harlen had picked it out by himself for me and I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful ring. I had a small feeling to check the vacuum bag. It was full. I had been on a rampage cleaning that day. I spent a while fingering through it, to the ooohs of my girls. Within 5 minutes I found my diamond. I can't believe it.

3 hours later I got e coli and have been sick since but I am getting to where I can find the small blessings in my life. Sale day 4 days and counting, hoping to get feeling better and get all of this stuff done!

reality

Today I am tender and my mind feels like the weather around me. The fog is set in but there is sunshine in the distance trying to burn the haze off. You would think after 2+ years that the realization of Loughlin being gone would have set in but there are still days when I look at his picture and it is so hard to believe that he is gone. Coming home from taking the kids to school this morning, like an invisible wall, a mist of loneliness surrounded me. I should be past this, the why's and the how's but I am not. I fasted yesterday. It was difficult, more difficult than it has ever been for me. I struggled through. I wasn't really hungry but I just DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. The war inside me is heavy again. The more I try to study and pray and get my testimony back, the more the war rages. My life before losing Loughlin was one that never questioned the church or the existence of God. Even when I lost Rhiannon and went through other trials my faith never wavered. I didn't realize what a blessing that was. I would listen to other trying to get a testimony or restore their testimony and wonder how that could be. I have some in my life that just don't understand(kind of like I use to be), that thinks I am copping out, not trying. But I am not. I am trying. I don't like this feeling of nothingness. It is dark and desperate. It is lonely and unforgiving. It is void. It comes into my mind and sucks the life and air and beauty out of everything and I try to get it out. I sing songs and pray and yet it insists on staying. Why did he have to go? We prayed that we would be safe, but we weren't. Our family is trying but struggling.

Struggling

Grief is a interesting process. I really think I am doing well sometimes and then just the smallest comment or sight or thought or prayer can send me tumbling back down. For three days now I have fought the tears, all day long, every moment. I am just sad. I watch Loughlin's friends driving, or hear their parents talk about how well they are doing in sports or school and my heart aches. I am not angry anymore, at least not at them. I would be proud too if my son was doing so well. It just hurts. I want him back. I know it isn't possible but I need him back in our life. I watch how his brothers struggle each day, how they have to find a new way to cope with this new life and I can't breath. I feel so responsible for it all.

We lost our family dog yesterday. 6 years ago, Christmas morning each of the three older boys got a dog from Santa. Cyrus' died soon after when the wire he was tied up with malfunctioned. Loughlin's left 6 weeks after he died and we never saw her , (Little Anne after his favorite book)again. True's was the last survivor. Bruschi named after his favorite football player Tedy Bruschi. He was hit by our hired man and killed yesterday. I loved that dog he was beautiful.

Our sale is close. I feel overwhelmed. New challenges present themselves everyday and I am wading through, but I am tired. I feel like going to sleep and waking up in a few months when I can handle this better.

Wanting to Help

I had a very smart lady tell me the other day that when people wonder what they can do to help in the grieving process, they should just tell you a memory of Loughlin. Telling us, I know in a loving way, that he is in a better place does not help. I think it comforts them but for me, I would imagine, that Loughlin misses us as much as we miss him.Being on the other side makes it easier but his heart is still aching. We are getting ready for our big sale and his absence is very hard. We are making some hurdles with the insurance company and maybe we can finally find a way to live this new life that was given to us.

Better Days

I am in a better place right now even though the world around me remains chaotic. I can feel the healing power soothe my aching soul. My mind is somewhat at peace, my thoughts have simmered. I am overwhelmed with the love I feel for those around me and at times I am even able to bear some others' burdens. Grateful.

The Ride

I was hoping for the new year this nauseating ride I continue to be on would come to an end; but it keeps on. Soon it should run out of fuel.......you would think.

Fasting and Praying

I am once again on my knees fasting and praying for some peace. My desire for a new beginning for the new year has fallen flat. There is always hope though, right?

Unraveling

Like a small thread you catch with your toe and don't notice until it is too late or the noodles wrapped around your fork that come undone right before you reach your mouth, this is my life it seems. You can only hide your true feelings for so long. Somehow they escape like the breath you have held for so long, your lungs want to burst. I am tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am just not that tough anymore. I don't have the desire to fight through.
My faith is dwindling once again. I wish it wasn't true but I try to get these thoughts out of my mind but they linger like the smell of your perfume from the night before. I have just chosen to live my life the best I can. Some things you have done never go away. They are seared into your skin like a brand on an old cow. The hair starts to cover it after many years but if you look real close you can still see it. She will carry it with her to the slaughterhouse, as will I.

Christmas Wish

My Christmas wish of just a little peace came through. I found helps that are working. I feel about 80% good and I am so grateful. I wanted to enjoy my family through the holiday and I have. Christmas was wonderful. I missed Loughlin so much but it was different. I have found a way of still enjoying the rest of these beautiful children God has granted me and yet yearn for the ones I am without. Today Harlen and I are celebrating 19 years as a married couple. Our life certainly hasn't been easy but us together feels stronger than it ever was.

We took our kids to see the new Narnia last week. So many quotes popped out of that movie for me but the one I loved most was something like, "I have spent far too long thinking about what was taken from me, instead of all that has been given to me." I am far from making this quote a reality but I am trying everyday now. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you so much for all the words of encouragement throughout the last 2 years. You will never know how grateful I am. My heart is so full of love for everyone in my life.

Humble enough to listen

Yesterday I received some new advice. I think I was willing to listen because I have been feeling like I am at the bottom of the barrel again. I am swimming round and round trying to find some kind of traction.

I don't know him well but what he said eased my guilt and sorrow just a bit. He asked me if I was still angry. I said yes. He said that is a bad area of the grief process to get stuck in. He asked me if I have been told I couldn't be angry. Well we all know the answer to that question. He told me not to feel bad about being angry especially at God. He said God can handle it and He only wants me to get better fast. I loved hearing those words. I am so full of guilt that it took just a little bit away. Now if only the other person I am angry at could get strong enough to handle it.

Wishing for Clarence

Sunday in church an older lady piped in her opinion on losing children. I assume it was pointed to me since in the last 5 years I am the only one to lose a child in the ward. She has never lost a child but her daughter lost a baby. I guess that makes her an expert on these matters. She said that if you kept the commandments in time your feelings of loss would be lifted.If you are sensing cynicism here you are correct in your assumption. I am tired of being lectured on these matters from people who have not an incline of what I am feeling.



This brings me to my favorite movie at Christmas time, "It's a Wonderful Life". If God could only send an angel to open the hearts of those around us to make them feel what it is like to lose children, maybe they might understand the magnitude, maybe they wouldn't open their mouths.


If your want to know what it is like, close your eyes for a moment. Imagine your life without your oldest. If they are older, without their spouse, their children, your grandchildren in your life. Imagine watching all of their friends children around you grow up, dating, driving, graduating, marrying, all of those joys gone. No grandchildren, no accomplishments, nothing but loneliness. Watch your other children grow up without their sister in their lives. I am not done now imagine your second oldest gone too. All of his future stolen from you, no nothing. Watch your third oldest struggle each day just to survive. He was in that crash. His legs aren't the same. His mind will never be the same. He was a great student, straight a's, nothing out of his reach. His goals as big as the mind they grew in but now he can't concentrate on a seemingly easy assignment. Your next son use to be so happy, always smiling, but now he is so angry. You watch all of your sons friends smiling, happy, driving, dating, turning 17 but he was only 15. He is gone. He will never be with you again. All of this guilt on your shoulder. Remembering yourself screaming at the accident, "What have I done?" The future ramifications not even known at the time. Can you even imagine? You relive those hours over and over in your mind and yet life still moves around you. You are expected to pick up the pieces when you can't even pick yourself up off the ground most days. Last night I wept to my husband. I cant do this. I am failing. I can't raise these children now. I use to have my hands on everything they do, now I can't even get their clothes washed for school, their homework is almost never finished. Part of me wants to stay in bed and pull the cover over my eyes. Another part wants someone else to try. It isn't fair to my kids that I can't keep up on my responsibility. I have tried, God knows I am trying. So please don't lecture me on what I should do and how it gets easier. 22 years and 2 years later there is no easement. I am so tired. I at times feel as though I am crawling through life on my hands and knees, have because I am praying for help and half because I cannot stand. Please don't make me feel like a bigger failure than I already do. I wanted better for my children but now because of an alarm clock and
a parked farm truck and my inability to protect my children, they are either gone or struggling and will struggle throughout their lives.

Fasting for Peace

Harlen and I are fasting tonight and tomorrow for some help with my medicine and for some peace in my heart. My soul is growing weary and I have so much to do. It is hard trying to get anything accomplished when you are in a state of panic all of the time. I am missing my boy so much. While cleaning out a drawer the other day I found an old memory stick with a few pictures on it. What a hidden treasure. Christmas is so hard without all your children to bless each day.

Random thoughts

My thoughts seem to be moving at the speed of light. Sounds and lights are startling me. My hands are shaking. My stomach fluttering. The anger is bubbling up like lava. Is it the giant that is awakening again? My energy is being used to hold it all in. My eyes dart around the room. I feel angst to almost every soul there. I remember everything, everything ever said or done to me. Don't speak at me. I promise to find a mistake in whatever gurgles from your lips.

Tonight as I drove home, in my own world, 5 head of deer ahead, and yet I don't see them until I am through, 2 on one side 3 on the other. Was this God showing me that he is watching out for me? But why didn't he watch out for me October 27, 2008? Now I don't care. I was alone. The only one I could have hurt was me. It probably would be for the best. I think it is a satirical comedy, my life. I see so many around thinking life would be better without me in it. Well thanks for joining in my song. 2 years ago it could have been me , then no one would have to threaten their own salvation with their thoughts of hatred and superiority when I am around. (see I can think of others)

Oh yah I didn't let, I forced. I am not a monster!

Thank God for my family. They see past my total imperfection. They love me through it all.

More than 2 years

For more than 2 years now I have awoke to a feeling of pure panic. There is no rhyme or reason to why this is the way it is. It is a product of the trauma I have been through. I am exhausted. I have tried so many ways to alleviate the stress and anxiety but so far nothing has worked. I am praying for a moment of peace. It seems I pray all day long. So my only wish for Christmas this year is calm in my soul once again.

Forgiveness

I am starting to believe that forgiveness is a sham. A lie given to us to make us feel better about the bad things we have done. It is easier to walk through life thinking that nobody looks down on you for your performance, for your bad decisions. It isn't true though. I am not saying people don't try, I just don't believe it is possible to succeed.They believe the atonement is just for others.

"This isn't fair funeral"

I was at what a friend termed "This isn't fair funeral" today. You know the type. Well if you read my blog it would be losing your son at 15, or your daughter at 2 weeks. It would be any of those angel mom's out there who had to endure their losses. Today I attended a friend and family member's sons funeral. He was 28. I am not totally of aware of the cause, and I don't want to venture a guess. It doesn't matter. He was a wonderful ladies son. He will be missed by her every second of her days for as far as her mind will will her to imagine. I mourned for her. I mourned knowing how much her heart will ache. I hurt that she would feel this enormous weight, that she will carry it the rest of her years. I watched her other children. I saw the fear in their eyes, and the yet also a strength that they were borrowing from those around them. I watched a father wonder how he would make it without his right hand man. She reached out to me. I think to have me tell her you will make it through, but how could I say those words when I haven't made it through. I listened as a bishop told his listeners how important it was to endure our trials well. Then I looked back at my last two years. I have not endured them well, but I am still standing, a vastly different soul than I was before. I stood in line to visit with the family. I listened to the idol chatter of those around me. It struck me hard. Is this how people were at Loughlin's funeral, at Rhiannon's? I do not remember. Did they laugh and talk about nothing that was important at all? Was it just another day for them? My heart started racing. The air felt heavy and unusable. How could they seem so unaffected? A mother's heart is mourning. A family's life has stopped. A son is gone. Is the weather or football something appropriate to talk about? Can't you feel their soul screaming in agony. Don't you understand that him being in a better place does not console a mother's desire to see, feel, hear her son just one more time? This was my first funeral of this type since I lost my son. On the way their I couldn't feel, but once again I think it was just me protecting me from those agonizing feelings again. I am so sorry another mother had to bury her child today. I hope her family stays with her longer than the standard two week period for it takes a lifetime to get over a loss such as this.

So dark, new med..Hope it works better!

Yield

The Abyss, that I seem to creep into more frequently than not, is getting darker, deeper, more intense with the sound of nothing. I grow weary with each passing hour. How long has it been since I felt peace? Have I ever felt peace? My heart is heavy with the emotion of grief and yet I am powerless to feel it or show it. The guilt seems to get in the way of the sensation of living at all. I long for this life to come to an end. I long for serenity of any sort. I am tired of the prying eyes, the eyes that don’t understand where I am at or how I could have got here, the eyes that say, you are as a disease, I want no part of you. Is it just me? Am I to blame? Am I the dirt under your feet, the dirt you brush off as you head into your seemingly perfect homes? Do I frighten you? Am I a nightmare? Grief, Sorrow, and Guilt are not contagious. They are not the plague that you stay up nights worrying about infecting your family. I am not He, He that is after your soul and yet you look at me as if I were. There is no compassion in your being. No commiseration for what I must feel. Over and over in my head, I live that morning. I can’t get past the certainty that I killed him. You say it is irrational; it was an accident, that I never meant any harm to him. I loved him but I did more than harm him. He is gone because of me, because of my error, because of my ignorance in knowing that days should not be hurried but should be enjoyed. Now the enjoyment is gone. Life will never be as it was. Life is something I must tolerate now, if I can. I never sense the warmth of Him as I use to. The sadness blocks the Spirit. The exhaustion obstructs the reception of His blessings. Maybe He tires of me, as I tire of my life. I have asked for so much. Maybe I am out of offerings. Maybe it is time to yield.

2 years

Today marks two years without you in our lives. I miss you so much Loughlin. You are and always will be a wonderful son. We thought we would treat this as any other day today. Our plan isn't working so well. We love you buddy!

A day not like any other day.......

She raised her hand to her mouth as she walked toward me, as to indicate I should smile. Smile. My back has not been kind to me at all this week. I have been spending my days going through boxes in my office that have been piling up for almost 2 years now, pictures, report cards, crafts, cards all that seem like a treasure chest on one hand and a pirate's sword stabbing my heart on the other. I need to catch up on my paper work, taxes, worker's comp...uuugggghhhh. Everything is in there, hospital bills, birth certificates and death, thank you cards that were never finished, pictures of happier times, my smiling boy, always smiling, so artistic, so much love for his family. I am struggling through each box, everything is mixed up, like my life has been for a while now. Tonight though I am also struggling through a panic attack, all while trying to make it through the school carnival, at times not feeling my legs, my head spinning, my eyes filled with tears. Today is a Monday, two days before that day, but Monday, the day it all happened. the day I lost my normalcy. The day I lost my mind, my 6/7ths of this heart. The day I lost my safety net around my family, Monday October 27, 2008 feels like yesterday but feels like an eternity since I held my son. The bad news seems to move in like the fog, my friends, more trials, cancer, haven't they been through enough? When will their soul be stretched to where He wants it? So if you want a smile, find me another day...I am trying but losing the battle tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

UUUUGGGGGHHHHH

As if the month of October isn't hard enough, add on lawyers and doctors still asking about 2 years ago. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH I need some really good R&R.

Broken Things to Mend

Trying to come to terms with my new existence

I am trying to really come to terms with my new existence. It isn't easy. 2 years ago my life was not even close to being perfect. I was lousy at many things, but the good thing then is I didn't much care. I was trying and that is all that mattered to me. Today, I am still lousy at those things but the list grows larger each day. The trials keep swirling about us like a storm tat doesn't seem to want to leave. I find myself laughing at the insanity of this life, which is an improvement because I use to just cry. My husband is my greatest cheerleader and yet I cannot find my way out of the gloom. I haven't quit trying yet but I can feel my will slowly slipping away. I still feel lousy most every day, some days almost unbearable, but I keep trudging alone, hoping for a breakthrough into my psyche. I don't know how much to say here because of the stigmatising attached to mental health. I thought about how silly people seem to be when people struggle with a disease of the mind. I hear the chatter. Why is the brain any different than any other organ in the body. Can you imagine two people giggling and chuckling at the fact that Frank has a bad heart, and he can't find any medicine that is helping him, or Sue is on dialysis for her kidneys, hahaha now that is hilarious, or even that breast cancer is raging in Sharon and the chemo isn't touching it. Yet, how many times do you hear in a conversation that Greta that crazy chick just can't seem to get it together. Or hahaha Jim is the luckiest man in the world, he married Jo and she has so many personalities that he has someone new every night.
I have heard of people with physical ailments that are so brave, they fight and fight until they are cured or in the end lose the fight, but how many of us feel the same about people that struggle with, depression, bi-polar, mania, PTSD? People that are depressed are not lazy, just as people who have lung cancer cannot run a marathon. People who are bi-polar are not nuts, they have no control over their moods without the help of a trained doctor. Sometimes it takes years before they find something that helps a brain not working properly. Am I preaching? In a way but I want to help people understand what it feels like to wake each morning feeling overwhelmed, anxious, in a panic, so blue the first thing that you want to do is cry, or not to know what you are doing at all. The mind is so powerful it controls the rest of the organs in the body. If it isn't working properly, nothing seems to work properly.
I am just asking, be gentle with those around you that struggle in this way.

Open Season

Today started pheasant season here at home. Loughlin loved this day as much as Christmas. Oh how I miss you. All the boys went this morning, wishing you were there, here. I love you so much.

2-both crazy, insane, not even close to their own minds.......One judged harshly, the other not at all........Why????????????

Struggling, but also trying to work through the sadness, the guilt, the whys.

Not holding my breath but.......

I am not holding my breath but I have had two pretty good days. The anxiety is manageable and the sadness comes but leaves much quicker. I am grateful, even if it lasts but a moment, to feel close to normal again is incredible but then again, what is normal?

Tired

So tired of thinking, of hurting, of crying, of if onlying, of should having......So tired of expecting something and nothing.......

Panic, fear, anxiety........Every morning when I open my eyes, the room feels as if the oxygen has been depleted. I breath in but there is never any fulfillment. My head spins just enough to nauseate me. I have 5 children to get up and get moving. I struggle through, not wanting them to know where I am at. I have been crazy long enough. Crazy, how long have I been this way. Oh it's been worse, so much worse, times I don't recall, times people remind me of. I am trying now, trying to get through, to be happy, to be successful. Sometimes I feel like staying in bed, pulling the covers over my head, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be seen, to have to talk, today is that day. Breathing is a luxury to me, thinking clearly a gift. The grief now feels so overwhelming, the sorrow uncontainable. It seems the two go hand in hand. I pray for some sort of easement. I pray for strength from my Father. I am waiting. I am trying so hard to make it...........

Life, Faith and Miracles

The lesson in R.S. today was on faith, blessings and miracles. I have had many close friends and family members pray for miracles, only to never see them fulfilled. I am happy for those that have had miracles touch their lives. I am grateful to a kind Heavenly Father that sends some of us the miracles we desire. I know faith is required to receive such blessings. I also know that some of the greatest people in the world don't receive their miracle. I have seen with my own eyes the faith that these wonderful friends, the sincere desire in which they asked for these things, sometimes for themselves but also for their loved ones.

I remember at 17, knowing my beautiful cousin was losing her battle with cancer, being on my knees praying for her to be healed, watching my incredible aunt and uncle suffer as their oldest daughter fought with all of her might to win, I am sure they tried everything they could to aid in her struggle for her life, but their miracle never came.

I also remember watching one of my closest friend's daughter struggle with that same cancer that took my cousin. I don't know if I have ever met greater people than her and her husband. Faith, fasting, blessings, doctors, everything was tried but they never got their miracle either.

Then their is my husband, also and incredibly faithful man and wonderful if I don't say so myself. I watched his father struggle for as many years as I knew him with bad health. Doctors, prayers, fasting, blessings and even after his heart failed him in the hospital praying for a miracle but once again that miracle never came.

All around me there are miracles, big and small happening everyday. Are those lucky few more faithful? I have a firm belief that our Father in Heaven is in control and only He sends those miracles. It isn't a greater faith, or a more righteous few that are the recipients. It is His plan. I am still trying to remember this each day. I believe it takes great faith to go on even after your miracle doesn't come. Faith is to hope for things that are not seen. Miracles are seen, so they do not increase your faith. Having your loved ones taken from you leaving sorrow and emptiness, increases your faith, your hope, your desire for an eternal family.

"Charity suffereth long"

It is difficult to explain the experience of passing through a long trial. Each day is difficult but the cumulative effect of facing challenges day after day magnifies the burden. When we start off on a long journey up a steep mountain, our first steps aren't too hard. As we continue to hike though, all of the steps that came before make each new step harder and harder. If someone hadn't seen the mountain and didn't know what the incline was and only seen us at the summit, they would conclude that we aren't in very good shape or that we aren't very good climbers. When in fact, just the opposite is true, we are in great shape.

It is not wise to compare our crosses, although many of us get caught up in doing just that. Each of us have struggles and trials, not everyone is equal. This is one of my biggest burdens in this life. I have a hard time with the fairness of it all. I want a game to be fair. I want punishment to be fair. I want life to be fair, but none of these things ever come about. I need to find enough faith to understand that God is in control, not me. If I could do just that, the guilt that I feel might be lifted and my hearts burden be eased.

If life didn't have to move forward and your kids would stay the same age as when you lost your child, it would be so much easier. I watch Cyrus grow, what seems like everyday. He is taller than me now. He looks so grown up. I can't stop my mind from wondering what Loughlin would look like, how tall he would be, what he would be doing. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his shoes on my kitchen floor, his backpack in the doorway. I miss him wanting to go hunting every minute of every day. I missed him so much fishing on Saturday. He loved it so much. 17, he would be blessing the Sacrament, driving, dating. I watch his friends in church and it hurts my heart. Today I am struggling, struggling to catch my breath, struggling to see a silver lining in this life. The anxiety is overwhelming. God help me to see my blessings and recognize the love that surrounds me. Please help heal my broken heart.

Happy Birthday Son!

Today you would be 17 and it is so hard not to sit and wonder what you would be, what you would look like, what you would be doing...Every minute of each day I miss you. The hole you left in our lives will never be filled. It always seems like something is missing everywhere we go. We are going to the dam today to fish, something you loved to do. I hope Heavenly Father blesses us today that we might feel you near, feel your love......

17 years ago today.......

17 years ago today, Harlen and I were living and taking care of his Grandpa. While walking up the stairs my water broke, but my labor never started. Later in the afternoon the doctor asked us to come in and he would start me on the pit. It seems like yesterday. We were so excited for this new baby to come into our lives. We went to the hospital with both blue and pink because we wanted it to be a surprise. 8 hours of labor and a beautiful 8lb 10 oz baby boy came into this world. He would be born at 12:05 am the next day.

Tomorrow Loughlin will be 17. We miss him so much, my heart aches with every passing moment today.

Putting your faith in the right place.

In the last few months I have done some deep investigating into my soul and my psyche. I always thought I had strong faith, an unwavering testimony. I never thought that I put too much of that faith in the people around me but I did. After losing Rhiannon, I turned to my Savior for relief from the pain. I didn't have anyone else to turn to. I don't think I realized how much I laid at his feet. He gladly received my pain, my questions, my anger. In return I felt His love, His healing.

After losing Loughilin, I was so sad and angry. I felt complete responsibility for his death. I had been driving, I hadn't seen the truck, I had made Loughlin switch places with Cyrus. I was so hard on them. I was trying to be a good mom. I was trying to do what was asked of me. It seemed I always fell so short, on motherhood, housekeeping, being a good wife, book keeping, irrigating or being a student. Whatever I tried, I felt inadequate. If only I had been living more righteous this would have never happened. If only I had told him I loved him that morning or every morning. If I had taken him to get his permit or given him that 15th birthday party. I should have. I am rambling and my thoughts are amiss but I am trying to make a point. It wasn't just after his death but throughout my whole marriage, I never felt capable of much. I knew my every fault but I never could see what I did well. I still struggle with this concept. Because of this feeling of inadequacy, I put my faith in others, I stole my strength from others. Loughlin's death and the trials that followed took my sorrows and anger to new depths. I was angry mostly at God and how could I put my faith in someone that had taken so much. I tried to go to him but I was kicking and screaming and pounding on that door. I remember thinking ,"Ask and it shall be given you, knock and it shall be open", but the door not only felt closed but dead bolted. I never felt a molecule of the Spirit around me, maybe close after his death, I felt His arms around me but the more dark I became the less light was to be held. Not until I read, A Grief Observed, CS Lewis did I understand that happening. He said something close to who would open a door when a crazed lunatic is on the other side, yelling and screaming and cursing his name, kicking and punching anything that came close to them. I had to hit rock bottom, I had to become humble again. Now I knock and he answers, I cry out to him but with a sincere voice and he listens. He has changed my heart, has allowed me to love again, to empathize again, to see some good in my existence. I had to humble myself to know that I couldn't get through this without some help from doctors and counselors, It was a process. It is hard to admit such a thing but after trying some of the meds, I have realized I should have been on the medicine since I was a teenager. I had thought death an answer to my problems, not that I would have done that but I wished each day not to wake, or for something awful to happen to me, the pain, sadness, fear, anxiety so great that I couldn't see a way out. Today I have learned that only through my Savior can I make it, only through my obedience to his teachings will I find my way home again. That is where I am placing my faith. People are human and the fail sometimes, but Christ will never fail us.

The result in this, is a greater love for my husband and children and hope again. I feel so solemn in the promise of hope. It calms my aching heart, eases the fear and anxiety I wake up with. I still haven't found the right medicine but I have found some that help. I can see the light again. I can slow down my thoughts enough to solve some of my problems. I am a work in progress.

It isn't Fair but.......

Elaine Shaw Sorensen said,"Grace transcends mortal rules of justice. Life is not a mechanical scale of effort or suffering on one side balanced by the appropriate reward on the other. Life is a process of growth, where growth itself becomes the reward. I tired long ago of hearing promises of some future mortal reward equal to my suffering, as when well-meaning friends foresee financial security or loving companionship in a future whose happiness will outweigh the sadness of my past. The deceiving logic of such an idea implies that when life goes on, droning with problems, with no glory in sight, I am not yet worthy or perhaps have not yet suffered enough. That is unsettling, when all around, those apparently less righteous or less tried seem to be reaping the glorious gifts of this earth.
The fact is that trials are neither distributed equally nor sorted according to a subsequent and matching earthly or heavenly treasure. Problems are neither price nor penance for credit toward some misconceived idea of payment. Instead life itself, even eternal life, with growth, hope and peace promised by the Savior's Atonement, becomes its own reward, offering divine gifts of the Spirit. The proving question is not What will I gain or achieve but Who will I become?"

I found this quote yesterday in a book that I bought at Seagull. It struck me. Since Loughlin's death, I have had numerous people tell me that everyone suffers, everyone has trials, this is just another trial for me and I need to cope with it. I would look and see that seemingly everyone around me had all of their children and loved ones. They were smiling. Where would there trials be? The answer to my question was that not all trials are out for the world to see but I was sure in my mind that if a trial is great enough the world sees it. This is the first time that I have read that not everyone is equal, that your life won't miraculously turn into bliss overnight because you have suffered so. We are not as Job and everything will not be returned to us 10 fold. Sometimes you will struggle through life. Sometimes trials bring on new trials and new trials but one thing I have found is that it does no good to run or to bury your head in the sand, or to turn away from God. I was not swallowed by a great fish but by darkness nonetheless. I feel as though I have been spit out and now I understand what I must do and through my Savior's Love, He will make it possible for me to endure to the end and find joy once again.

10 months

Not one call in 10 months, except when you were forced. Is this how it is suppose to be?

Leprosy would be a gift, to be banished to my own island with ones who feel the same as me, would be a relief.

With Him

I want to write about so many things today. I want to blame my angst on someone. I want to vent and scream and pout and cry. I want someone to understand. I want to talk about dropping balls and saying sorry to others and a lot of things but I am just angry and sad and having so much self-pity. I want to strike out in this anger and hit whatever is closest, whatever I can reach, with as much energy as I have left, but then my soul is saying, haven't you been angry long enough, haven't you tried hard enough to help others understand, haven't you tried to carry this burden by yourself. Give it to the only One that can help, that can understand, realize you are nothing without Him and He is the only thing that matters, with Him everything is possible without Him, well you have tried that.

A few Quotes.....

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."- C.S. Lewis

I read C.S Lewis' , A Grief Observed this last week and loved it, have started it again. I think it would be great reading for anyone that has lost someone close to them or would like to know what it feels like to lose someone you love.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."- C.S. Lewis

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."- C.S. Lewis

It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever it is, matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."- C.S. Lewis

I was lost.......

Luke 15:3-7 (King James Version)
3And he spake this parable unto them, saying,
4What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?
5And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
6And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.
7I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

One sinner that repenteth........Do you only rescue after repentance or see it in your heart to help as the sheep stands on a cliff overlooking the ocean with no other place to go?

Shout it from the Rooftops!

Doesn't it seem every time we turn on the TV there is some politician telling us that they are helping us....or a so called star telling us how great they are....or a new medicine that is going to change the world but then again if you have to tell me you are helping me or that you are wonderful or that you can cure me, you probably can't or you probably aren't. What is that old adage???? Actions speak louder than words, or get up off your knees and get busy...I could go on but I think you get the jest.

Luke 18:9-14
9And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
10Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.
11The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.
12I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.
13And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.
14I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

"Lord Save Me"

When I was young I spent a lot of time at the swimming pool. I was remembering this morning that one of my favorite things to do was to walk around the pool on the edge of the gutter. I was always trying to make it around the whole pool without losing my balance. I was a great swimmer so if I did fall I could always get myself to the ledge and climb back out. I remember plenty of times people getting in the way of my goal and me finding a way to maneuver around them, yet sometimes they were the reason I lost my balance and fell in. In my life I have had wonderful people who have tried to help me get to the end of my journey, that knew I frequently lost my way and yet never judged, knew the obstacles that were placed before me, maybe never felt the same obstacles but were close enough to me to see my struggle but on the other hand I have had many who inadvertently or purposely blocked my way. Maybe if given the benefit of the doubt, they were trying to make it harder, to make me stronger. Yet sometimes it felt as if they were standing on the cement and thought it funny to give me a big push and now days I am not a great swimmer and do not love the water. As those that have pride in their own heart want to punish or make me stronger stand on the side of this pool, as I struggle to catch my breath and even as I doggy paddle my way to the ledge, use their foot to push me under, so that I cannot hold on any longer, so that I sink into the darkness once again. I am holding my breath hoping when I emerge, they have moved out of my way so that I can pull myself out or so that someone who actually wants to help me can stand in their place and reach their arm out like the Savior did to Peter, because I am crying out "Lord save me".

Understanding

I always tried to give others the benefit of the doubt but I am starting to believe that most have to touch a stove to know it's hot. I wanted to believe that to some degree someone might know that after losing two children a mom's anger might be hard to explain. That waking one morning after you missed your alarm to feed your two week old baby girl, to find her cold and lifeless, blood coming from her nose, to watch your mom work for what seemed a lifetime breathing air back in her lungs, knowing all of the time that she was gone , and somehow you made it through, that you found your way back from that abysmal place, some how you found a way to move on to find joy in your life, to love again, to enjoy your children, to think you got six more babies past the stage of wondering if they would live through the night only to be doing what you thought was best for them and keeping them off that horrible bus and driving them to school, not to see that truck, but now responsible for yet another cold lifeless child laying next to you, knowing you would never enjoy his graduation, his marriage, his mission, his first baby, never to feel his arms around me telling me he loves me ever again on this earth. Anger is a second emotion to cover up the massive sorrow that still lingers in my heart, the questioning, the self pity that I know that I am putting myself through but sometimes feel helpless to claw my way out of it. To have someone try to explain to me that I have to find what is important in life, all of those things marriages, missions, baby's blessings that I will never experience with my two children. Do you really think I don't know what is important? In some corner of your mind don't you know that I am trying with every cell in my body to swim in this mighty current? Sometimes I may go under and curse the name that has given me these waves but at other times I know this is as a trip to the dentist and it is painful but He loves me and wants me to make it through and that I love Him for keeping his arms around me even though I kick and scream and yell out in agony at the state of my being, my soul, my heart. Why can't you see it?