Lucky

This is my dog Lucky. He has been my best buddy during the day since just months after Loughlin died. He greets me every morning, every time I come home and he was always the best security system money could buy. He was so sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly. The day we left for my Aunt's funeral some horrible Asshat neighbors shot him dead. They didn't even call. They lied about him chasing their non existing chickens. Their female dog came over to our house in heat and Lucky followed her home. They shot him dead. What kind of people do this? What kind of laws let someone do this. I miss him every moment here. Everyone loved lucky, from the post lady, to the Fed Ex and UPS delivery guy. In fact everyone that came to our house. I am heartbroken. He was 3 legged and the sweetest lab on the planet. Who is there now to cheer me up when I can't do it anymore? I have so much anger and hate in my heart right now. It is hard for me to stay smart. So sad. :(

The Poem I wrote for my Aunt Mary's funeral. I wrote it for her. It isn't what I beleive

When a life is lost

There is a physical cost,

A longing, a yearning a complete heartache.

Yet, Hope is on the horizon, like the sun at daybreak.

The future holds a promise from heaven above.

Offered from our Savior, out of pure, unadulterated love.

He knelt at the Garden of Gethsemane while his friends slept.

He took upon himself all our sins and pain, while the angels wept.

Christ gave his own life so we could forever live,

In God’s presence a gift, He could only give.

So our families will dwell in the eternities together.

Because love never ends but goes on and on forever.

If only we would live our lives in service of one another.

Giving all we have and sharing it with our brothers.

Mary was a Saint who helped anyone in need.

She never followed, but always took the lead,

Her family was her greatest joy, it extended very wide.

Her sons took the greatest part, always by her side.

The daughters she later called her own

The bond was firmly sown.

Her grandchildren she loved each one for who they are..

Her Sisters and her Brothers, in her mind, were never far.

She happily took care of Harvey after her mom passed away.

Losing Susie and her mom were certainly the saddest days.

Her reach didn’t end there but touched the hearts of many friends.

Her influence as an Aunt will never, ever end.

You see Mary was exactly what He meant when He said, “Come follow me”,

And what we all strive to be when we are on bended knee.

Her presence will be forever missed.

We will always remember that last hug and that last kiss.

My Aunt Mary

Last night, after a long hard battle, I lost one of the most important people in my life. She had been fighting congestive heart failure for 20 years. She made it 14 years longer than they gave her, but for me it could never be enough. My Aunt Mary was always there for me. She wasn't afraid to tell me when I was screwing up my life , yet she was always there when it seemed my life was falling apart. She was one of the very few people I got to share Rhiannon with. She babysat for me during my high school graduation, and even though I moved away she never left my side or my heart. I loved her so much, and she always let me know, she loved me. The picture is of her and her 3 incredible sons that always treated her like the star she was. I am gong to miss her more than I could ever explain. On the sweetness scale she scored a high 10. She solved most her problems with kindness and her family never had to wonder if they were loved. Look at her smile and you  will know how she lived her life. The tears won't stop. She said my name as she was passing and I wish I would have been there. 

I will love you forever Mary.

I can see where it happened

From my kitchen window I can see where Loughlin died. So time and time again while I eat or work on the computer or do homework with the kids or just relax with a hot cup of coffee, I see that spot. I feel the guilt building like bile in my stomach. I relive the accident minute by minute, second by second. I picture the graphic scene, my children hurt, maimed, dead. I hear the screams of my children for their dad. I hear my screams telling the world what I have done. This is PTSD. Funny I can't remember what time Maya's Dr.'s appointment is, but I can tell you every little element of that moment when our lives were changed forever. Your mind is a funny organ. I wish i had the power to just move those memories, like in Inside Out, into the memory dump, but it isn't that easy.

Life is cruel even when it's great. Cyrus is doing great at school....A's in his upper division classes. True is doing great too plus football is over forever (yeah) and it is goose hunting season. Maya is always having fun in life and she is so beautiful and talented in everthing she tries. Giles is adapting to school in Nyssa great. He is getting great grades and making new friends while keeping his old ones. Lea is blooming. Her voice is like listening to an angel. She has so many friends you can't keep track, but............... The guilt comes in, the I got ripped, or the nicer way I wish I could watch Rhiannon and Loughlin do some of these things. People will have the nerve to tell me I should be happy for what I have left. Sure that is like saying you lost both your legs but you still have your arms. Be happy. No it isn't like that because your legs weren't part of your heart and your soul and your dreams. All of that is gone.

Do I love my kids and all of their achievements? Of course but you don't have to be an intellect to know I can feel both.

My World

My World

My life is spinning out into space.

I think it shows in the lines on my face.

People are pulling and pushing.

If I fall there’s no cushion

Without the pins in it

No matter if you spin it.

There’s no oxygen in this room.

No place for my potential to bloom.

People are scratching and clawing.

My soul’s guilt it keeps gnawing.

If there’s peace I can’t find it.

My mind you can’t wind it

I want to let go

Where no one will know

Me and my dreams,

Frantic it seems.

I’m sending out my SOS.

How did I get to be such a mess?

I heard God is the answer.

I feel He's a cancer,

That only promises gifts,

If you just stay away from the cliff.

But if he is there he is pushing you closer

He is cheating And using a Dozer.

True lost his Baseball Coach early yesterday morning. Sadness all around

Nyssa's beloved Baseball Coach Passes away

Article in Argus Observer on Coach Rick Clark

He touched True's life like no other coach before him. WE will miss him more than words can say.

We love you #BigDawg

And the Beat goes on

Yesterday the kids and I spent 5 hrs at yet another NeuroPsychologist requested by the attorneys. 5 hrs of testing and evaluation. 7 years after the accident they are going to somehow decipher if my kids were affected mentally or socially by the accident. Well I know that I am affected mentally and socially by 7 years of this bullshit. It feels as if you take an ice pick and shove it into my heart and twist it for good measure every time I am asked to put my kids through this. I really hate the process and I have started to hate everyone involved.
This morning I am having a hard time finding my feet. Walking is a chore. Thinking isn't possible. I am spent. I am weary. I am tired. I am BEAT. I give. I don't want to live this life anymore. I would sell myself to get the money my kids need to get through their ailments, just to have this end. Court starts on December 18th for Maya. 7 days before Christmas, 7 years after I killed my son and ruined my kids' lives. 7 seems to be a reoccurring theme. Giles said "I didn't answer the questions right. I am not telling a complete stranger how angry I get" I just do it around my family. It isn't his business. You know what he is RIGHT!

And for all you do gooders out in the small community I live in. Quit talking, Quit judging, Quit bugging, just QUIT!