The sophomore class paying tribute to Loughlin's memory

Friday was a hard day but it was nice to see how many of Loughlin's came to the football game to pay tribute to his memory. I thought being there would be really hard but it was actually the best part of the day. We also took the family to eat at Red Lobster, Loughlin's favorite. When Loughlin was baptized, in his spotlight they asked where their favorite place to eat was, Loughlin said Red Lobster. We had only gone there maybe once or twice in his life so it was quite funny and you could hear a chuckle from the congregation because the other kids who were baptized at the time said places like McDonald's or Burger King. Anyway the day went better than I had expected.

I miss my son with every breath I take. Happy 16th Birthday my fine young man. I love you.........

Happy Birthday Loughlin

I just wanted to take a few minutes to say Happy Birthday Lough! We miss you so very much and think about you every minute of the day.

3 hours...

I saw a new therapist yesterday and what a change. I felt comfortable. She never made me once feel that what I was feeling was out of bounds or wrong. She let me talk and taught me ways to deal with the unbelievable anxiety that I have been dealing with everyday. I had 3 hours this morning that I almost felt normal, even though I still don't remember feeling normal.
Then life happened, phone calls, thinking, dreaming and it was gone but I am hopeful that I can have those feelings more often. I loved smiling again, a real smile. I am going to get through this, might not be the way some want me to get through it but it will be my way because no one has any idea what I am feeling or going through each day.
Loughlin's birthday is Friday. It will be good because that is what I have control over and I can make it good, memorable, peaceful, at least as good as it possibly can be. Tap Tap...........

Does Time Heal?

8 days more...and Loughlin would be 16. the depression has hit so hard for me. I feel a lot like a zombie, going about my day doing the things I have said I would, the things that need to get done but my mind is wandering all of the time.
I have lost the desire to even communicate with the counselor that seemed to be helping but now it is a war between Harlen and I. She takes his side. He asks for so much from me and she asks if I am willing to do it. I never ask for anything, it is not why I am there. If he wants me to work harder on getting the house clean, why not? but then when I get it cleaned because we have friends coming over, he complains I am doing it just because friends are coming over. Yet I didn't get our room finished it is still a mess so will I be willing to work on that........sure why not I feel like leaping tall buildings in a single bound. I am superwoman. I took on a calling in a church I don't believe in because I don't say no. My counselor thinks I am nuts, which I am sure there is truth to that, for being upset because I lost a friend this week when her husband killed her. (Just walk by like nothing happened.) She was a kindergarten teacher in our school, lived near us and we had so many good talks together. I will miss her and I think it should effect the way I feel. I am going running now. I have grown to love it. My knees are bothering me the last few days but today I am running, in the hope that I could really run, run away from all of this, from these feelings, from the darkness, from the guilt, from this life.

September

I don't know how a mom gets through the first birthday without your kids here. It is just September 1st and I cannot breath. I keep thinking in 17 days Loughlin would have been on his first date, had a licence, and a huge party at our house celebrating the big day. Now I sit and wonder what we could do to celebrate his life that wouldn't hurt my heart too much but honor him as a great young man. I miss him. Picture day today, a year ago they took the last picture I have of my young man. I could barely feel out the papers for Cy and True today.

We missed football sign ups I guess(don't really know when they actually were) but now True might not be able to play football in Nyssa this year. I will drive him as far as I have to to get him to play though. It is one of my greatest joys to watch him exceed.

Maya on the other hand was, in a round about way, told she was too out of shape to play on the team she has been playing on for two years. Kind of a blow for a while but truly who likes soccer anyway. We start hip hop dancing with Maya and Lea next week. She will love it so much more but miss her friends.

Cyrus decided against football this year his legs are still bothering him. He has a very full load of classes as a Freshman though and will stay very busy.

Harlen is so busy harvesting and I am left alone most of the time in this lonely house. I miss my little Lea keeping me hopping.