8 days more...and Loughlin would be 16. the depression has hit so hard for me. I feel a lot like a zombie, going about my day doing the things I have said I would, the things that need to get done but my mind is wandering all of the time.
I have lost the desire to even communicate with the counselor that seemed to be helping but now it is a war between Harlen and I. She takes his side. He asks for so much from me and she asks if I am willing to do it. I never ask for anything, it is not why I am there. If he wants me to work harder on getting the house clean, why not? but then when I get it cleaned because we have friends coming over, he complains I am doing it just because friends are coming over. Yet I didn't get our room finished it is still a mess so will I be willing to work on that........sure why not I feel like leaping tall buildings in a single bound. I am superwoman. I took on a calling in a church I don't believe in because I don't say no. My counselor thinks I am nuts, which I am sure there is truth to that, for being upset because I lost a friend this week when her husband killed her. (Just walk by like nothing happened.) She was a kindergarten teacher in our school, lived near us and we had so many good talks together. I will miss her and I think it should effect the way I feel. I am going running now. I have grown to love it. My knees are bothering me the last few days but today I am running, in the hope that I could really run, run away from all of this, from these feelings, from the darkness, from the guilt, from this life.
8 comments:
I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
My husband would also like our house to be clean. I simply have no motivation to do it. Even today I have time to do a lot of things but I don't want to do anything but take a nap.
I'm glad you feel good running. I hope your knees get stronger so you can keep it up.
If he would like it clean then he can do it...make it his problem not yours..you have someone more important to deal with..yourself....sending my love and a big hug to you as you take this next horrible steps in your journey xi el x
I think maybe a new counselor is in order. I don't think you want one that makes you feel like they have taken a side plus right now, I would think the priority for you would be dealing with all the grief and figuring out how to get through each day not whether your toilet bowls are springtime fresh. I only took Psych 101 in college but it seems like common sense to me.
I am happy to hear that running is giving you some joy and some release. That is one thing I have always loved about it.
Sending all my love, strength and hugs your way.
Hello Kenda,
My name is Bonnie, and I live in Boise. Your cousin, Lisa C., told me about your blog because you and I are enduring a similar trial, the terrible pain of losing a precious son. Of course there are differences, but there are also similarities. We lost Jordan in May of 2008, so we've been through the anniversary of that date, and of commemorating his birthday too. If you agree, I'd like to have a phone conversation with you to tell you more, or maybe email you.
My email is meadowflowers@hotmail.com
www.ourrhabdoblog1.blogspot.com
www.worldofwashburns.blogspot.com
I've been to lots and lots of different counselors for this, that and the other over the years. I've learned that if you start feeling like your counselor is taking sides, or doesn't understand you, its time for a new one. Its their job to help you understand yourself, if they can't or won't understand you, then how can they do their job?
My husband and I have hit rock bottom this year. I truly understand now how parents who have lost a child are 80% likely to divorce. We've been there...sitting on the bed staring at each other, saying "Well...so are we going to get divorced?" because there just didn't seem to be any other options. Right after Gavin died, we seemed so close, I couldn't believe we'd ever feel that way. But as time went on, we both holed up into ourselves, so wounded and hurt, we couldn't reach out to other anymore. It was like this huge canyon between us.
Thankfully our family interceded and found a trauma therapist (not a counselor, there's a big difference) who specializes in parents who have lost children. You guys don't need "talk" therapy right now...you need someone to help you heal the trauma you went through. I don't recommend things like this lightly, but if you can find one in your area, it'd be worth a shot.
Losing each other would be like losing your child all over again. You *together* IS your child. Do whatever you need to do to keep that together. If you need financial help from the Bishop, then get it. It doesnt matter if the therapist is LDS or not. *hug*
~Bethany
Angel Gavin's mom
Kendalee, I was preparing my RS lesson and I was looking for quotes on friendship. I saw this one and immediately thought of you. I hope it gives you some comfort today. It really is the truth.
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
Thinking of you and I have a prayer in my heart for you today.
Love, Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^
Oh, how my heart aches for you! Wishing that I could give you a hug to let you know there are people thinking of you! I hope that peace finds you...soon.
Michelle
Gavin's Mom
my solution to this problem is I got a house cleaner :). Best money I ever SPENT. Seriously.
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