Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Terrible timing

Our sale is on the 20th of February. I am almost paralyzed. I am worthless in trying to get things done around here. I cannot think of anything but Cyrus. I cry most of the day long. They put me on another med to take away my migraines and lower my blood pressure, but it just makes me sleep. Inept would be the word to describe my physical well being. My God I have lost 2 children and my 3rd is teetering on the brink.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

A 4 day Migraine




Last week was tough. I had a migraine that would not subside unless I was asleep from the shots they give me. I received 3 of them. Today the headache finally broke. Health, Mind, Soul. My health is horrible. I am overweight. I eat whatever the hell I want when I want. My mind is a jumble of demented thoughts. I am sad most of the time. I pretend. The sale is less than 3 weeks away, but I cannot even think that I can make it through this. My underlying thought is we will fail and have to sale this fucking place and live and work a normal job. you know now that is positive. Soul, well my soul belongs in hell with the demons slowly peeling my skin off my flesh. For how long I would make it I do not know nor do I care. I could make friends though, aah probably not I am not very good at that either. What is the going rate for 2 dead children and one crazy one.

On the upside the water is back on, but there is a whole in the wall in my closet. The basement is still drying out but someday it will be back to normal, unlike my life. My life will never be normal again. If there is an apocalypse I beg for it to come soon. Puppy is home hey good news. Harlen's sister is back with her ex after we tried for months to help her get a divorce. yeehaaaaaaw

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Random thought #2,162

Life seems a little deranged as of late ok a lot. It seems that it will never be normal again, but what again is normal. I am tired and fighting migraines. If the shots didn't cost $80 a piece I would get one everyday.

We finished the catalog for the bull sale. It is a big job on an ordinary year, but this year is anything but normal. Here is a sample of Harlen and I


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1tjIsJE5mzJf5Cv5c0cIY7Oe7OFlweTvI/view?usp=drivesdk




I have lost my best friend, which I know is strange in itself, but I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his deep conversation about literature, music and movies. I just miss him. It seems so cruel to let him have so much success then rip it from his hands. It doesn't matter what anyone says it will never ne the same. He hates me. He won't talk to me. After losing two children to death, you finally feel as a parent he is 22, married, graduating with great grades, getting a job within 2 weeks of graduating and then poof like an evil spell it was all gone. This is like losing another child.

Our pipe broke between the shower and my closet wall and flooded the basement again. We haven't had water for 5 days. I survived 2 floods in one year. Noah doesn't have anything on us.

Our little puppy got Parvo and was at the vet for 4 days but he is going to make it. I love my dogs so much. They are my solace when I am home alone.

Harlen's sister made a half hearted attempt to commit suicide on Tuesday night. She took Cymbalta of all things.Taking too many antidepressants doesn't make you less depressed. I could name 15 better medications than that if you really wanted to get the job done. I know I sound callous but that is how it goes when your son is dying in front of your eyes.

Harlen came running in the house yesterday needing help getting heifers in. I was still in my night shirt. he said just come. i put my coat on, my boots and headed out. Little did I know our hired man and his son was outside. The sun was peeking through the clouds like a voyeur laughing at the misery I call my life . My legs are showing they haven't been shaven for months. My hair is a mess, but I am wearing my sock monkey beanie Maya gave me for Christmas.

Harlen keeps telling me other people have lives like ours, yah no!

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Soul & Heart

I can sit for hours and watch a fire burn.
The language he uses sits in my gut and churns.
The nausea. The acid rises in my throat.
I see he left me a personal note.
Am I really a whore? Or is he being cruel.
My mind should but my heart and soul rule.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Valhalla

Dreams of blades
Consciousness fades
Floating in my lake.
My life you can take.
Just leave me in the dark sapphire
So far from the bog and the mire.
I will never sink.
Not time to think.
This could be my Valhalla.
My own private galla.

Grave

Manic
Panic
Frantic
Grave
Crazy
Hazy
Scorsese
Slave
Mad
Sad
Grad
Cave
Unhinged
Avenged
Syringed
Brave
Hell
Quale
Rebel
Forgave

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Migraine


I received a shot today for a horrible migraine.  Stress is ugly. Life is tiring.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

My 4th worst birthday



I know I sound so self absorbed lately. I am. Is this about me? No it isn't but the exhaustion weakens me. The never ending trials absorbs my resolve to want to fight on. Even the kids aren't enough to keep me here. I don't care if there is even an after world. I just want a non stop very hot vacation.
If I ranked my birthdays I would certainly put the 2 years after losing Loughlin as the worst. There was one that I thought my mom was going to surprise me with a party, but she just forgot. So trivial now but then it was huge. Yesterday started out incredible. Maya made me the breakfast of my dreams. She is so sweet. I love her more than life itself. That isn't enough. Because I don't love life at all. I love her more than the most perfect painting ever created or my favorite novel. I love her. I love all my children like that but Maya is my sunshine.
I got a new recliner also. A good place to fall asleep forever.
The problem is the underlying darkness in my life. It is taking over. I hate right now. I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. How do I go on? How do I find the strength to push through, to get the catalog done, to run the sale? Come and take it all away. The place on the hill above my biggest mistake, the one where I killed my son is up for grabs. Take the fucking thing. Take me. Let the others start from scratch. I lost my confidant. I lost my friend. I am losing another one....... Surely this is more than enough. Job aint got nothing on me.

Friday, January 5, 2018

Whole

Your words are like razor blades to the soul.
Sure the wounds will heal, but I'll never be whole

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Fear




A new year
A well known fear
The future isn t clear.
Hoping death is near.
I put up a good fight.
The victory is never in sight.
In the darkness ,little light.
Everything I try nothing is right.
I am exhausted from trying.
My eyes are dry from crying.
My mind tires of lying .
My thoughts centered on dying.
I am a failure in every way.
Good intentions everyday.
A lifetime crushed with what you say.
Never again will life be okay.
A noose would be sufficient.
A gun, I am proficient.
Tylenol, the most efficient.
Ask God he is omniscient.









Can a pin cushion wear out?
With your God I have no clout.
He keeps poking and sticking, abandoning the pins in.
Leaving bitter reminders of where I have been.
There's some empty spaces left if you maneuver.
The love is gone what's left is only a reprover.
He has been through so much pain.
Hitting him harder what do you have to gain?
Let him alone.
Lend him your throne.
Stability is what  he needs.
He's only human of course he bleeds.
His heart is damaged beyond repair.
But you keep on poking through his despair.
Fair?
Of course not you. You taught me at 8.
Teaching me that Hell is my only fate.
God he is begging down on his knees. 
His mom is crying while you ignore her pleas.
You enjoy using me as your muse.
Leaving no marks a pin prick, no bruise.
Will you be satisfied when you have it all?
School me once again, you are the almighty and I am so small.
I have no power. You have stolen it from me.
I am blind. I am deaf and now I can't speak.
The carnage around is deep and it reaks.
I call uncle. I submit
I never thought that would happen. I'll admit.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Just leave my kids alone. Cyrus being persecuted at BSU for his Christian beliefs.

"They want you to sit not stand.
For what you believe in. Clench your hand.
To show your passion. Your face is red.
But it has been that way from birth until your dead.
See no evil. Hear no evil, don't speak it either.
Toe the line, don't use your mind. Be a believer.
There is a war a brewing. 
Stop what you are doing. 
Pay attention to the cause.
The bloodied should make you pause.
A revolution in your own mind. 
Don't leave the One on the cross behind.
He is the only hope. 
Without it is just a rope.
Peace is found in the Creator.
Love in the heart there is nothing greater."
Me

Please pray for Cyrus as he is just 8 days from graduating as an exemplary student. The administration at Boise State is treating Cyrus like a criminal. They said his speech of Christ was threatening. My God where has this world gone? Hell would be the correct answer.

On the upside I have found my faith again. When you have no where else to go God is the answer. I prayed that someone would step up to help Cyrus and the next morning the American Center For Law and Justice agreed to represent Cyrus. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. 

Friday, November 17, 2017

#Metoo is not nearly enough




My sexual abuse started when I was a lee lady, at the age of 8. My swim coach would get in the pool with us to try to "improve our technique".  He would in the most innocent way, stick his hands up the crotch of my swimsuit, not on top, but deep inside where I had been told was precious, holy, that should not be defiled, but it was and I was left dirty, an 8yr old whore.
Count 8 years later. Me and a friend of mine were asked to go to an older guys apartment.  They had free  booze. How could this rebellious teen refuse. When we arrived there were 4 men. 2 I knew well. They were married. I remember so much. The smells, the Seagram's golden wine cooler. I drank too much, way too much. I crawled to the bedroom to sleep it off.  I was passed out. I woke up to a 250lb man laying on top of me. The smell of beer lingered in the air. I couldn't breathe. He had ripped my panties off and was raping me. I was out if it. I couldn't even scream. He pinned my arms above my head. I wriggled as much as I could, but my intoxicated body was no match. I was bleeding when I finally gained consciousness.  I kept silent. He was a member of the bishopric.  Who would believe me,  a troubled girl who was drinking at the time? After all I had always been a troubled child. These stories on the news are triggering me to the point of panic. The 80's was not the time for sexual assault. Don't ask . Don't tell should have been the slogan of the era. His weight.  His breath. The pain. There is no safe spaces.
That night he took my virginity.
He took my dignity.
He took my childhood.
He took that life.

I never told. He went on to be successful.  I have lived through so many trials.
Life is Fair.
I am not ok
Can I have a do over?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Temple Trip



Fun night at the Temple open house. Harlen and I, Giles and Brenda plus Jenny Brenda's sister.

Then I tripped over the parking curb and cracked a rib. I am getting old.

Funeral for my dad's older brother

Traveled to Utah last Thursday and Friday for my uncles funeral. This is the 4 boys as youngsters.  From left Gary, then above Dave;, in front Steven, my grandma's angel she lost at 3., last but certainly not least, my dad. Uncle Gary was a good man. He was very successful.  He tried to help me after losing Rhiannon.  I think he secretly was glad he didn't have a kid like me. He was my dad's best friend.  My dad was 100% blue collar. They still treat him like the black sheep.  He wasn't ever. Money isn't everything but perseverance is. He has struggled with everyone of us wayward children but he never gave up. He is my hero and so much better than he was treated. My grandma's sisters were always right about him.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Homecoming Weekend and Lea's last game of the season

Giles Brenda Maya Steve
Homecoming 2017








Beautiful Night for some really great Kids.
I love them all so much! 


Lea's last service of the year. Video above

Friday, October 6, 2017

Look what is down our hill............



Do you see the truck at the end of the lane? Sure it is further than that horrible morning, but it is there, and the corn is being harvested in the field. This is triggering me to the point my head is foggy. No it isn't ok to park it there. You would think you would know that.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The pain has subsided just in time for October to bring the feelings of sadness and guilt again.


My family tree is broken and diseased. 
Some one help me please.
I am on my knees.
Some day this guilt will ease.


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Trying

Trying

I feel like dying.
So tired of trying.
Wake-up Blue.
Aching all through
My distorted form.
Wishing I was never born.
I’m weary every moment
Time is my opponent.
Every day is a marathon.
I am far from a paragon
Is there an easier way?
Do I have to stay?
In a place with so much pain.
When there is nothing to gain.
Peace seems out of my reach.
Grief is my personal leach.


Monday, September 18, 2017

Happy 24th Birthday Loughlin

Today Loughlin would have been 24 years old. I can't believe it has been 9 years. I can't also believe that we have survived 9 birthdays without you. I miss you every moment. I love you. My heart is full today, but broken in pieces.



Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Today I just wanted to die

We are coming up on another one of Loughlin's birthdays. He would have been 24, but he isn't . He is dead. I have had one of those days. Those days when you think that you have had enough. The kind of day I have more than a couple of times a year. I had almost convinced myself to give up. My kids are doing well. They probably would be better off without me. I am doing bookwork that I hate, no that I despise. My anxiety is unbearable. I was even dreaming of ways to do it so that Harlen would still get the life insurance . He would be better without me. I can't breathe any longer. I want it to end.


2 hrs later, Lea has a volleyball game and life looks a little better. 
Maybe I can make it another day.













Tuesday, August 29, 2017

We all know how much I love hospitals , especially at 2am with my son in emergency surgery.

Sunday at about 9 pm True came home from bow hunting with a horrible pain in his stomach. He was up in Jordan Valley about 1 1/2 hrs from our house. He sent me to town for antacids, Pepto, etc. But while I was gone the pain got worse. I met Harlen in town and we took True to the Emergency room. After blood tests, urine tests and a CT Scan we found out he had appendicitis. He was admitted and thank God my favorite Dr. was on call. So Dr. Tes took True's appendix out at 2am.. I was a basket case for about the entire time we were there. I wouldn't make it through losing another baby.

The good news is True's surgery was successful. He is home and doing well. I am still overly stressed and exhausted. We were up for 36 hrs straight. We are also involved in a family member's separation and divorce that is not fun. I need a big vacation, A fun vacation.

I booked one. The whole family is going to Englewood California for Eric Clapton in concert, which was 3rd on my bucket list. We are going to Universal Studios, then to SanDiego Zoo and Sea World. Now that is a vacation.

Being Kidney STONED

I spent 2 weeks after fair with a UTI and then Kidney Stones. I was completely miserable.  I am tired of being sick. I know it is part of the PTSD. The stress is taking a toll on me. I need a vacation.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

100 random Mormon mothers or a compliment for your wife

How hard do you believe it would be for your significant other to accept a compliment about your wife being the nicest Mormon at the reception. To which my son said My mom isn't really very nice and she isn't really a Mormon. Funny huh? Well I thought it was funny, but I guess not for everyone because it is too hard to comprehend that someone thinks your wife is nice, especially nicer than those perfect Mormons.Why are you with me? Sinking deeper.........


What a f-up religion

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Always the Bridemaid never the Bride

Fair 2017 has come to an end. Delanie won grand champion with a steer out of our favorite Red Charolais Bull. He was raised at our house with all the other steets. The judge loved him at 1st sight. I was happy for him, but once how about our kids who work so hard. This is my blog and I can feel sorry for myselffor a while.
She is  sweet girl. It was her first year showing. She is 11.
It was a good year for Nyssa Beef Club.  💞💔💖

Monday, August 7, 2017

I will always be your mom........



I know you are no longer here.
I know I will never see you in this life again.
I know that my last memories of you were horrendous.
I know that no one understands the pain.
I know that no one understands the guilt.
It was me that saw you last.
It was me that spoke to you last.
It was me who was responsible for your well-being.
It was me who failed miserably.
It was me that changed your diapers, fed and clothed you.
It was me that showed you love everyday.
I will always be your mom.
But I will never get to hold you or kiss you.
I will never get to see your smiling face.
I will never see you graduate or get married or have kids.
I will never grow old reaping your blessings.

God everyday I wake up pleading for you to be home.
There are not miracles, nor God, nor Oden, nor Christ.
There is no heaven.
There is not even relief for the nightmare that is my life.
I am running hard but the reaper will not let go of my jacket.
He is laughing and I am panicked, popping the Valium to just be able to breathe.
Some days I go backwards, but I am on the uphill climb.







Saturday, July 29, 2017

Swimming

Not to shabby for a fat old lady. Nothing beats swimming in the lake.  I made it about an hour and then I was exhausted. I need a cap and goggles,  so I can get serious.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Dark Days

Dark Days

It's your fault.
Wounds with salt.
A fucking whore.
Can take no more.
What can I do?
Nothing new.
My sins show through.
His are few,
Really what's a sin?
Just a story of where I've been.
But you see only what I want.
This past will only haunt,
If you knew would it change your mind.
Better if you stay completely blind.

Kendalee 2017

Monday, July 17, 2017

My Abyss

A few days ago our family headed up to the lake that is less than 40 minutes from our house. It has been a while since I have made the trip. The lake has been low, the boat doesn't ever seem to want to run when I am there, but the biggest reason I don't go is the road up there,

 



It is in my words treacherous. Harlen says I am over-exaggerating. I would say that I am being awful kind. The road at times is an easy 300 ft dropoff with no guards. It is slim, and there are always boats coming back down as you go up. It even brags of a one way tunnel that you cannot see the other end. I do not look out my window. I cannot. I breathe in and I really do not remember exhaling until we are at the top. We made it though.


It was everyone, everyone in the family was in the boat. Cyrus and McKayla received a big floatee for a wedding gift from True.  We put it by the rock side and Harlen took th boat for people to ski and knee board.

 

I was in the boat with Harlen. I had this overwhelming desire to swim to the float. It was about 3/4 of a mile. I haven't swam in years. I am 47 yrs old. Harlen informed me I was no spring chickee, but I just wanted to be alone in the water. I dove in without a life jacket. I started to swim freestyle. I swam hard for a while. It felt so good. About half way to the side I just stopped. I laid on my back and closed my eyes and just floated. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything. It was my own private abyss. I loved it. I could have stayed forever. It was so peaceful. It was the first solace I had felt in 8 years. I had peace in my soul. I want to go again. I want to feel nothing. The road was worth the tranquility.



This is a beautiful Place.