Sunday, July 22, 2018

The impending 10 year mark is suffocating me.

.
I am shaking
Heart breaking
No faking
I want to die
10 long years
All my fears
They came true
I never knew
A pain like this
The child I miss
Could change us all
I sit. I scream. I bawl.
Where are the smiles?
Nothing but trials.
I have failed.
My hands not nailed
My cross I have to carry
The weight makes me weary,
My mind is scrambled
His life I gambled.
I see him lying there.
God how can this be fair?
One life gone, but 7 destroyed.
Lives of hell were deployed.


Saturday, July 21, 2018

Happy Birthday to my beautiful talented amazing baby birl
















My baby is 14 and going to high school. She is so beautiful inside and out and talented. I love her to death. 

Monday, July 9, 2018

Bad Days are the norm



I am trying to get my books done.....late as always, but I am actually making an effort. Today Harlen brought me home a new print cartridge. It did not have a plastic cover on it. I was a little concerned, but I opened it and twisted the orange lever on the bottom of the cartridge. It exploded in my hands. I had my happy blanket on me and it left a large ink spot on it. I worked to get it out but it wasn't budging. Big deal, not in the large universal scheme of things, but I am tired of it. I am tired anyway and when things don't turn out at all I want to give up. I have fair books due this Friday with my 4-H group also. Where is the 8ft hole of soft cool dirt? I am ready. This life really is LONG :(

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Venting........Puking.........


Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.
It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.
People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.
You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.
My hands shake because of the guilt.
So many hours I have knelt.
An empty soul is all I’ve built.
An offsuit I’ve been dealt.
All the darkness I have felt.
A decade of sorrow left a welt.
I can’t perform the easiest task.
I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.
I drink the poison from his flask,
But it was never enough to ease this madness.
Never enough to end this sadness.
Look again I am but a shell.
I dwell on earth in a living hell
When will I hear the toll of the bell?
How long could one feel this way?
I visited your marker just yesterday.
The shame made me retch.
As I read the scripture that was etched.
“If you have done it unto the least of these……”
God remove it please.
I killed him, and he is gone forever.
This family will now never be together.



Tuesday, July 3, 2018

It's been so long. Is it really worth the effort?

How long has it been since I poured my heart out on this computer? Long I questioned whether I should keep it up. My life seemed to suck in the present about as much as everyone around me then something wonderful happened. Life altering wonderful, and then something even more wonderful happened, then we made it to three. I don't know how long it has been since 3 things that were positive happened in my life, our lives. Maya graduated from high school with honors which is huge. She took Math 112 college credit and still graduated with honors. I am so proud of her knowing the struggles she has. But they are not struggles to her.


 #2 Softball season ended and our team won the championship. Maya coaching, Giles helping, Me coaching and most importantly Lea playing with 9 of her friends. We beat everyone bad  Lea pitched great. All the girls hit so good. Errors weren't found. We played an almost perfect game in the series. Those girls are World Champions.


#3 The best news is Cyrus and McKayla came and told us they were pregnant and we were going to take on new names Papa and Gramma. Wow a new life, a new spirit in our family. Everyday that I was down in this happy period I would think about that new baby and nothing bad mattered. My back was out. I got 3 bouts of thrush, but that was nothing because I was going to be a nana or a grandma.


 



But wait, I know what you are thinking, well maybe you are more positive than me because I am not , but I would  be thinking at this point this post is just too happy.This is way too much good news, Well I would be right, Sunday McKayla started spotting., and of course the good times ceased to roll. She lost the baby. 12 weeks along .And there it was. Now I am sitting doing books and I am only thinking about that baby and what could have been, for Cyrus, McKayla, and the rest of the family and I cry, because I hate loss, because I believe we have had far more than our fair share of shitty luck. So I feel like a prisoner in my own life with a small window in my cell teasing me with a hot meal and all my loved ones around me. Then I cry some more and I feel sorry for myself because I can, because I don't know anything else..that is all I know.



For my sanity My friend made me a weighted blanket just in time for all the stress and anxiety.  Thanks Tami I love it and it really is incredible.
I am finally sleeping.


Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Mind conquers all

Rough week in my body. I felt dizzy for the week, even to the point I passed out 3 times. Finally I relented and went to the Dr. again, blood work, bp, blood ox, blood sugar. Everything turned out normal. Next an EKG at St. Lukes, normal, but the technician doesn't want to release me because of being faint, pale, lethargic. So they send me to the ER for more tests, the Dr. is a joke. He doesn't even listen to the time length that my symptoms had been happening. Reads passed out three separate times on my chart and takes more blood, sends me home with yet another prescription. Masks the symptoms but the underlying problem still exists. I have no energy. I a.m dizzy. I am tired, and even more so now with this new med. I want to be healthy again before I die.


I have so much to live for. I have softball starting up again. Giles playing baseball. Lea playing tennis. Maya helping me coach and May 27th she graduates from high school. Cyrus is working back on the farm and living close with his beautiful wife. True is here too with his cute girlfriend we all love. Harlen and I get closer everyday. Life could be so good, if my head was straight and my body was strong.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

The Conversation

Cyrus and McKayla came over to the house yesterday. We talked. We talked for 2 hours about a lot of things. He still blames me for so many things, but I don't think he hates me. I don't know if things will ever be the same. I love this child so much. I would easily give my life for him. If this was a fair world I would be able to take this from him. I deserve it. He deserves a good life, teaching, having kids, loving his music and his books. He has been through hell and back. If God was real I could sacrifice my mind for him to be healthy. Love should conquer all.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy



I can't believe Giles is 16. What a great kid. He has some flaws, grades being one but he is so much fun and everyone loves him.  I love him. I hope he has a great year. Driving, dating  and just having fun.



Monday, April 2, 2018

Never enough

You would think i would be happy this morning, but I am not. Easter dinner went off without a hitch. We even hunted for eggs, yes everyone.  I am sure the bribery with the money helped. My son hates me still.  Now I have neighbors wondering what this demon could have done to her son to have him turn on me. Always me..... what a curse. I hate Easter anyway.  The life after death promise is too unbelievable to even be a hope.
Fuck this life.
Which disease would pay penance for the hell I have created? Leprosy needs to make a comeback.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Down and out

1,2 shell
Ring the bell
Living hell
Clearance sale
On my life
Shitty wife
Trials rife
Sharp knife
Neck or wrist
Get the gist?
Moments missed
Feeling pissed
Nauseated
Ankles weighted
Looking dated.
Always hated.
Life's a clash.
An irritating rash.
beneath teeth gnash
Left recycled trash.
People try to save
Not realizing what I gave
2 in the grave.
Now 1 to his mind a slave.
Giving up is painless
No one's getting famous
Keeping up is brainless
No god I am faithless.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

A Hello can change your life, at least your attitude


Yesterday Cyrus came in the house in the morning and said Hello Mom. Can I have a cup of coffee? It's been months since he said something nice to me. He is working out here on the farm to earn money for bills. He hates charity even from us. He wants to pay his way. I see hope now when before  I only say dismay. I love this man so much.

Then on the other hand Maya thinks she is moving out when she turns 18. Life is a struggle. Buddha can you slow the struggle down?

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Depression is a killer dsease




Having depression and PTSD is terminal yet no one knows, It isn't contagious although people think it is. It is for the most part  a death sentence , Now we can add mania and bipolar to the mix.

I had another migraine yesterday and another shot. I am going to go broke with the cost. I am a bit stoned still today so bear with me.

Parent Teacher conference was last Friday, What a joy. Lots of people, Lots of kids, Teachers that have no passion for their work. A choir teacher that is so horrendous that the select choir has gone from 40 to 15. How sad. She gave Maya a D-. WTF she shows up everyday, sings what else is needed. She looked and what do you know she had calculated things wrong. Surprise,surprise, surprise. The kids received chromebooks at the first of the year. They make the teachers lazy. I hate school. I always have even when it was me.

Monday, March 26, 2018

A break from the mundane


5 days of baseball in Bend and John Day. Maya is supposed to be taking stats for the baseball team again but they have decided they only have money for the BOYS and her commitment to take stats means nothing. So I didn't want her to miss out of this opportunity. I drove her to Bend and we stayed the night. t was an invaluable time together. She is a senior and she will be leaving soon for college. We talked and laughed and watched stupid things on the TV. A day later we were off to John Day to stay in a cheap hotel and freeze our asses off. Lea tagged along because Harlen was delivering bulls. She didn't want to go but she had a blast. We ate too much , laughed too hard. Giles got to pitch n Bend and in John Day he played 1st base and pitched. He really did a great job and I was glad I could watch him. 5 days away from home was just what the doctor ordered. I was cold 90% of the time. The hotel smelled like an old folks home but I didn't think about the problems at home, maybe once or twice.
Then I came home to knowing Cyrus ran out of medication and some people thinking he is doing better. Better? 3 months with only being called a cunt, bitch whore and accusing me of killing Rhiannon and Loughlin. Hey that's something!

Monday, March 19, 2018

Momma said there would be days like this..............


I could say I woke up in a foul mood, but you would actually have to sleep to wake up in any kind of mood. I am obsessed with checking Cyrus' Facebook account to see if he is awake like me. 2 nights ago we were both up all night, him posting, me waiting to see his posts. Then I spent the day at a volleyball tournament with Lea. The noise and the people in such a small area put my PTSD in full throttle. I am out of valium. I took it way to often with everything that is going on in my life. Now I am stuck in a constant state of panic. The brontosaurus that is resting on my chest refuses to move. I picked the brontosaurus because an elephant just doesn't explain the feeling and when Loughlin was a child the long neck was his favorite dinosaur. I can't get over the words of my supposed loving husband that I am the spawn of the devil and I caused Cyrus' mental illness. It makes me sick. I have the worst problem with guilt anyway I just want to thank him for adding to it. I killed Rhiannon because I did not wake up on time. I killed Loughlin because I can't drive a fucking suburban to school in the morning and now I am responsible for. Cyrus because I am angry at God and I don't follow my husband's religion. He teaches Gospel Doctrine in church. Sunday's lesson was on Abraham and Sara and Sodom and Gomorrah . I told him that God condones Adultery, Rape and Incest. He didn't think I was funny, but really Abraham and Hagar, Lot's daughters got him drunk and raped him. OMG and I am the malevolent one.

I hate that I sit in silence about Cyrus' illness. Why is mental illness frowned upon? If he was suffering from kidney disease everyone would be concerned. They would check in on him. They would feel empathy for him. Instead they treat him like a leper. Do you know what I would give to talk to Cyrus again, just for 5 minutes, 10. I miss him so much. It is like he is here but a shell. Have I already lost him?

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Reintroduction & Persecution




Last week Harlen and I delivered bulls. We took them to an incredible guy that Harlen knows very well. I guess I had met him before but i don't remember. He and his wife have been through hell this last year. False accusations ruined is life. But last Monday his son committed suicide in the most horrifying way. He had been fighting mental illness for years and he was done. I haven't slept well since. I am scared for Cyrus. OMG I could not live through losing another child.

Why this happened to our family? Well Harlen told me last night it is because of me. It is because I curse God for taking my kids. It is because I don't believe, that I don't do everything his God requires, so Cyrus getting sick is my FAULT. If only I was a better person. Organized religion is a plague on society.

Monday, March 12, 2018

48 years old




I am 48. I feel twice my age. Not so much physically as mental, emotional. I feel like I have lived an entire life. I am so tired. Losing Cyrus, not to death, but to me. The hole in my soul just keeps getting larger. The cold air blows through it. The heart is frozen.

I think my family would be better without me. My body should be cremated and scattered across the ocean. I will forever be at peace with the sounds of the waves, the trees and rocks, the blue water surrounds me.

Maya is a senior. She is getting totally ripped off because her mom is fucking insane. I took her pictures last week but I can't even get the energy to edit them and send them off to the printers. I have bills and taxes to get done but my mind is worthless. My hubby wishes he was married to a better version of me. He wouldn't leave me, but he lets me know how disappointed he is in my abilities in this life, There are so many women who are amazing. I am a joke.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Will he Remember




Will he recall?

Will he recall?
When he was small?
The trips to the coast?
You caught the most?
The many drives to the lake?
Papa’s bear for God’s sake?
Will he remember?
The fun every December?
Waiting up for Santa Clause?
Riding the motorcycle at Papa’s?
Our trips every year to Red Bluff?
Breaking the steers tough?
Will he be reminiscence?
His mind showing puissance?
The simple jokes he told at the table?
When our life was fun and stable?
Our trip to Denver to listen to Dylan?
Will his mind be willin’?
Styx and Def Leopard for the 1st time?
That Boy Scout Climb?
How much I love him?
All before it seemed so grim?

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

That's the night the lights went out in Nyssa



Monday night Harlen had a meeting in Ontario for 4H. At about 7:30pm Cyrus walked in our house. He was not himself, well not what he was 3 months ago. He was spitting mad. He wanted to take all the family games and sell them. He started in on calling me names. Giles and Maya tried to protect their mama and Cyrus went after them. He called Maya bad names and threw Giles to the ground. He threw our barstools down and stomped them until they were broken. I was so scared for my kids. Giles called True and True came up and broke most of the fight. It was horrible. My PTSD is full throttle. Cyrus left and Harlen came home. Everyone wanted me to call the cops but I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him being handcuffed and taken away.

Today is another day. True somehow by the grace of God has got Cyrus to the Dr. He said he would take the medicine if Cyrus would. Sometimes you just know you have raised a great kid. Maya and Giles stood up to Cyrus and tried to protect me. They showed their love in a great way. I hope this chapter in our lives ends soon. I am exhausted.


Another year and Another sale


The 2018 sale came off with a boom, well a crackle. It wasn't our greatest but it was average. I am grateful it was that good. It turned out to be the coldest day of the year and cowboys were calving out their calves. We are blessed we have customers that still show up and support our program and our family.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Terrible timing

Our sale is on the 20th of February. I am almost paralyzed. I am worthless in trying to get things done around here. I cannot think of anything but Cyrus. I cry most of the day long. They put me on another med to take away my migraines and lower my blood pressure, but it just makes me sleep. Inept would be the word to describe my physical well being. My God I have lost 2 children and my 3rd is teetering on the brink.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

A 4 day Migraine




Last week was tough. I had a migraine that would not subside unless I was asleep from the shots they give me. I received 3 of them. Today the headache finally broke. Health, Mind, Soul. My health is horrible. I am overweight. I eat whatever the hell I want when I want. My mind is a jumble of demented thoughts. I am sad most of the time. I pretend. The sale is less than 3 weeks away, but I cannot even think that I can make it through this. My underlying thought is we will fail and have to sale this fucking place and live and work a normal job. you know now that is positive. Soul, well my soul belongs in hell with the demons slowly peeling my skin off my flesh. For how long I would make it I do not know nor do I care. I could make friends though, aah probably not I am not very good at that either. What is the going rate for 2 dead children and one crazy one.

On the upside the water is back on, but there is a whole in the wall in my closet. The basement is still drying out but someday it will be back to normal, unlike my life. My life will never be normal again. If there is an apocalypse I beg for it to come soon. Puppy is home hey good news. Harlen's sister is back with her ex after we tried for months to help her get a divorce. yeehaaaaaaw

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Random thought #2,162

Life seems a little deranged as of late ok a lot. It seems that it will never be normal again, but what again is normal. I am tired and fighting migraines. If the shots didn't cost $80 a piece I would get one everyday.

We finished the catalog for the bull sale. It is a big job on an ordinary year, but this year is anything but normal. Here is a sample of Harlen and I


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1tjIsJE5mzJf5Cv5c0cIY7Oe7OFlweTvI/view?usp=drivesdk




I have lost my best friend, which I know is strange in itself, but I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his deep conversation about literature, music and movies. I just miss him. It seems so cruel to let him have so much success then rip it from his hands. It doesn't matter what anyone says it will never ne the same. He hates me. He won't talk to me. After losing two children to death, you finally feel as a parent he is 22, married, graduating with great grades, getting a job within 2 weeks of graduating and then poof like an evil spell it was all gone. This is like losing another child.

Our pipe broke between the shower and my closet wall and flooded the basement again. We haven't had water for 5 days. I survived 2 floods in one year. Noah doesn't have anything on us.

Our little puppy got Parvo and was at the vet for 4 days but he is going to make it. I love my dogs so much. They are my solace when I am home alone.

Harlen's sister made a half hearted attempt to commit suicide on Tuesday night. She took Cymbalta of all things.Taking too many antidepressants doesn't make you less depressed. I could name 15 better medications than that if you really wanted to get the job done. I know I sound callous but that is how it goes when your son is dying in front of your eyes.

Harlen came running in the house yesterday needing help getting heifers in. I was still in my night shirt. he said just come. i put my coat on, my boots and headed out. Little did I know our hired man and his son was outside. The sun was peeking through the clouds like a voyeur laughing at the misery I call my life . My legs are showing they haven't been shaven for months. My hair is a mess, but I am wearing my sock monkey beanie Maya gave me for Christmas.

Harlen keeps telling me other people have lives like ours, yah no!

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Soul & Heart

I can sit for hours and watch a fire burn.
The language he uses sits in my gut and churns.
The nausea. The acid rises in my throat.
I see he left me a personal note.
Am I really a whore? Or is he being cruel.
My mind should but my heart and soul rule.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Valhalla

Dreams of blades
Consciousness fades
Floating in my lake.
My life you can take.
Just leave me in the dark sapphire
So far from the bog and the mire.
I will never sink.
Not time to think.
This could be my Valhalla.
My own private galla.

Grave

Manic
Panic
Frantic
Grave
Crazy
Hazy
Scorsese
Slave
Mad
Sad
Grad
Cave
Unhinged
Avenged
Syringed
Brave
Hell
Quale
Rebel
Forgave

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Migraine


I received a shot today for a horrible migraine.  Stress is ugly. Life is tiring.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

My 4th worst birthday



I know I sound so self absorbed lately. I am. Is this about me? No it isn't but the exhaustion weakens me. The never ending trials absorbs my resolve to want to fight on. Even the kids aren't enough to keep me here. I don't care if there is even an after world. I just want a non stop very hot vacation.
If I ranked my birthdays I would certainly put the 2 years after losing Loughlin as the worst. There was one that I thought my mom was going to surprise me with a party, but she just forgot. So trivial now but then it was huge. Yesterday started out incredible. Maya made me the breakfast of my dreams. She is so sweet. I love her more than life itself. That isn't enough. Because I don't love life at all. I love her more than the most perfect painting ever created or my favorite novel. I love her. I love all my children like that but Maya is my sunshine.
I got a new recliner also. A good place to fall asleep forever.
The problem is the underlying darkness in my life. It is taking over. I hate right now. I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. How do I go on? How do I find the strength to push through, to get the catalog done, to run the sale? Come and take it all away. The place on the hill above my biggest mistake, the one where I killed my son is up for grabs. Take the fucking thing. Take me. Let the others start from scratch. I lost my confidant. I lost my friend. I am losing another one....... Surely this is more than enough. Job aint got nothing on me.

Friday, January 5, 2018

Whole

Your words are like razor blades to the soul.
Sure the wounds will heal, but I'll never be whole

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Fear




A new year
A well known fear
The future isn t clear.
Hoping death is near.
I put up a good fight.
The victory is never in sight.
In the darkness ,little light.
Everything I try nothing is right.
I am exhausted from trying.
My eyes are dry from crying.
My mind tires of lying .
My thoughts centered on dying.
I am a failure in every way.
Good intentions everyday.
A lifetime crushed with what you say.
Never again will life be okay.
A noose would be sufficient.
A gun, I am proficient.
Tylenol, the most efficient.
Ask God he is omniscient.









Can a pin cushion wear out?
With your God I have no clout.
He keeps poking and sticking, abandoning the pins in.
Leaving bitter reminders of where I have been.
There's some empty spaces left if you maneuver.
The love is gone what's left is only a reprover.
He has been through so much pain.
Hitting him harder what do you have to gain?
Let him alone.
Lend him your throne.
Stability is what  he needs.
He's only human of course he bleeds.
His heart is damaged beyond repair.
But you keep on poking through his despair.
Fair?
Of course not you. You taught me at 8.
Teaching me that Hell is my only fate.
God he is begging down on his knees. 
His mom is crying while you ignore her pleas.
You enjoy using me as your muse.
Leaving no marks a pin prick, no bruise.
Will you be satisfied when you have it all?
School me once again, you are the almighty and I am so small.
I have no power. You have stolen it from me.
I am blind. I am deaf and now I can't speak.
The carnage around is deep and it reaks.
I call uncle. I submit
I never thought that would happen. I'll admit.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Just leave my kids alone. Cyrus being persecuted at BSU for his Christian beliefs.

"They want you to sit not stand.
For what you believe in. Clench your hand.
To show your passion. Your face is red.
But it has been that way from birth until your dead.
See no evil. Hear no evil, don't speak it either.
Toe the line, don't use your mind. Be a believer.
There is a war a brewing. 
Stop what you are doing. 
Pay attention to the cause.
The bloodied should make you pause.
A revolution in your own mind. 
Don't leave the One on the cross behind.
He is the only hope. 
Without it is just a rope.
Peace is found in the Creator.
Love in the heart there is nothing greater."
Me

Please pray for Cyrus as he is just 8 days from graduating as an exemplary student. The administration at Boise State is treating Cyrus like a criminal. They said his speech of Christ was threatening. My God where has this world gone? Hell would be the correct answer.

On the upside I have found my faith again. When you have no where else to go God is the answer. I prayed that someone would step up to help Cyrus and the next morning the American Center For Law and Justice agreed to represent Cyrus. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. 

Friday, November 17, 2017

#Metoo is not nearly enough




My sexual abuse started when I was a lee lady, at the age of 8. My swim coach would get in the pool with us to try to "improve our technique".  He would in the most innocent way, stick his hands up the crotch of my swimsuit, not on top, but deep inside where I had been told was precious, holy, that should not be defiled, but it was and I was left dirty, an 8yr old whore.
Count 8 years later. Me and a friend of mine were asked to go to an older guys apartment.  They had free  booze. How could this rebellious teen refuse. When we arrived there were 4 men. 2 I knew well. They were married. I remember so much. The smells, the Seagram's golden wine cooler. I drank too much, way too much. I crawled to the bedroom to sleep it off.  I was passed out. I woke up to a 250lb man laying on top of me. The smell of beer lingered in the air. I couldn't breathe. He had ripped my panties off and was raping me. I was out if it. I couldn't even scream. He pinned my arms above my head. I wriggled as much as I could, but my intoxicated body was no match. I was bleeding when I finally gained consciousness.  I kept silent. He was a member of the bishopric.  Who would believe me,  a troubled girl who was drinking at the time? After all I had always been a troubled child. These stories on the news are triggering me to the point of panic. The 80's was not the time for sexual assault. Don't ask . Don't tell should have been the slogan of the era. His weight.  His breath. The pain. There is no safe spaces.
That night he took my virginity.
He took my dignity.
He took my childhood.
He took that life.

I never told. He went on to be successful.  I have lived through so many trials.
Life is Fair.
I am not ok
Can I have a do over?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Temple Trip



Fun night at the Temple open house. Harlen and I, Giles and Brenda plus Jenny Brenda's sister.

Then I tripped over the parking curb and cracked a rib. I am getting old.