Friday, May 5, 2017

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Skip ahead to Landslide on the Playlist at the top of the page.

"I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too"
Fleetwood Mac Landslide

I was walking in a retail store yesterday looking for a black dress for Lea and Maya for an upcoming occasion. When I passed the children section I became dark. At first I thought I am so glad that I am passed this time in my life, but then I got a bit uglier. I don't even want grandkids. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want the chance of a loss again. It is better not to ever love than to love and lost. 
I am not handling the seasons of my life. I think I have reverted to the anger stage once again in this ongoing grief. Cyrus is getting married in 90 days. WOW! Maybe this "changin' ocean tide" is taking me under. Not that I am not ecstatic for him, I am. I am happy for him. He is happier than I have seen him in 9 years. She does that for him. 

It just sucks Loughlin won't be here to watch his lil brother tie the knot, or better yet tie the knot himself.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

You should just get past it.

Someone very close to me gave the whole spill about how I should get over losing two kids, I should get past it, sure it was hard, but it was a long time . I don't like hearing this from people who aren't close to me, but coming from someone who is supposed to be on your side. your encourager, your no matter what, it bothered me. 

I am not sleeping again. My anxiety and panic is through the ceiling. I am exhausted. I am sad. 

Can I just sleep?

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Are you sitting on Loughlin's grave?

We finally buried Harlen's mom yesterday. The weather did not permit for the burial earlier. When we arrived at the cemetery I walked towards the grave which was one over from Loughlin's. Harlen's dad was in between. I looked at Loughlin's headstone and the metal pheasant that sat on the edge was on the ground, the tail feathers broke off. I picked it up and fixed it, put it back where it belongs. The chairs were almost touching the headstone. It made me sick. Harlen's siblings went over and sat in the chairs, more sick. Harlen dedicated the grave, even more sick. All I can think is get off my son. Why would they think this is ok?  It isn't . I am angry about it. Get off my son. Even today I am still angry.

I am sure there is so much more to my anger, than the chairs and the broken pheasant. I feel like I have for 25 years, not the most important women in my husbands life. His mom never liked me. She never thought I was good enough for her son, and now as we bury her everyone tramples my son. I hope I am never like her. I hope that I can always remember that my children's happiness is more important than my petty judgement. The anger isn't going away anytime soon.

"Life is a Struggle"

Thursday, March 9, 2017

So many kinds of floods

Yesterday a pipe broke in our basement and we ended up with about 8 inches of water throughout. Water in a basement engulfs everything, every corner, every crevice. If there are dead little creatures lurking behind the water heater or in a bag you haven't opened in 8 years the emerge. It is very revealing.
This flood showed me so many things. It showed me that I haven't been in the basement physically, mentally, but most of all emotionally. A Brachiosaurus was floating in the middle of Giles's room. Who knows where he came from. He once was Loughlin's, then Cyrus's, then True's. Where has he been? Where has all these left over clothes been? 8 years, My God, Where have I been? Where has my life been? Where has Loughlin been? Where are my kids? Where did they go, not physically, but where did my other 5 kids go?

Maya came home from school so upset. The baseball coach is not going to let her take stats this year. I learned she is a girl, and a boy would be better. WTF I guess everything I taught her about having the same rights her whole life was bullshit. I am pissed. Can you tell? She has very few things in her life she loves, baseball is one of them. She can't play it anymore because of her TBI, but at least she could be a part of this team. Did I say I am pissed? Give her a break. She deserves it, for once.

Now the floodgates are open. The tears are falling once again. I am so exhausted. Surgery to the Sale to the Funeral to the Delivering Bulls to a Flooded Basement.

Is this a normal life? I don't remember having chose this life. The sadness is here again. Relief is what I want.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The three of us set off on a long Winter's trip.......

On Friday morning we were supposed to leave for a 3 day trip to California to deliver bulls. The trailer was late by 2 hours and then we got a flat on the pickup tire right before we headed down the road, so off to Les Schwab for another 45 minutes to put new tires on all four wheels.

Weed, CA so inspirational and safe.
Our 1st stop was going to be Roseburg, Oregon. We were supposed to have arrived at 3pm. We arrived at 8pm. We encountered snow and rain. The roads were winding, not like the Beatles song.  We were exhausted, pulling a 30 ft trailer, much longer than our usual 24 ft. We met with the buyer and dropped the bulls off and then we ventured on. At 1am we were in Weed, CA. Lea was intrigued. She thought all the signs were for marijuana and couldn't believe there was actually a town with such a name. We made it to Shasta Livestock in Anderson California and dropped the remaining 10 bulls off so they could rest for the night and get some food and water. We went off to find a hotel, and that we did. The first sight was a roach on top of the toilet. I am careful about my hotels. This was a Best Western. we should have been safe. I was so tired I really didn't care. Lea and I shared a bed and Harlen in the other. I dreamed of roaches on my feet all night long. I got up as exhausted as I went to bed.
Storing Ranch
75 years of quality bulls

Red Bluff so beautiful
The tower

We loaded up the bulls and headed off to the next destination, but first our second flat tire. 1hr later we would leave Red Bluff, California for Fortuna. California through a worse winding road. The roads were covered in snow at times and the rain would not stop during the rest.
Can't seem to escape the snow

When we arrived in Fortuna we were in a hurry to get down the road but Harlen insisted to my glee to show Lea Ferndale, California. I love this town. It ranks in my top 10 towns in the nation. After Ferndale we tried to get as far as we could and ended up at a much better hotel in Ukiah, California.

Save you from hell

Downtown Ferndale. <3 td="">

The car and the house fit so well

Ferndale's best, The Gingerbread house

SF Bay
San Raphael Bridge

Day 3, on our way to Galt, California. The trip was uneventful except for the fact the GPS took us way out of the way and made the trip longer. We ended up at the buyer's home where he showed us his incredible car collection after taking us to a wonderful Italian restaurant with ambiance to spare.
The car collection was spectacular and certainly worth the wait.
Corvette of my dreams

The Bentley, my favorite

My Harley

We headed home late and they had closed Donner pass for the day, but we got through going 15mph with c hains on our pickup and trailer. We only made it as far as Fernley before we were ready for some more rest. No roaches but creepy people were here.

The next morning we finally headed for home. Not a lot of pictures of Nevada. What is there to show? :)
Beautiful Winnemucca Nevada flooded

We got home to a broken pipe in the basement because there is never a dull moment in our household. 

Monday, February 27, 2017

Our 50th Anniversary Sale

Right within the sorrow of losing Harlen's mom we had to pull off the biggest sale of our lives.

To our surprise and delight. We had an incredible sale. WE averaged just short of last years barn burning sale. We accomplished this even though cattle are down in price and the weather has created havoc for our customers everywhere. We feel so blessed. We appreciate every buyer and consider them our friends. 

4 days later we had Deanie's funeral. It was beautiful with so much music that touched your heart and a fun life sketch. 

I am exhausted. I want to sleep for a week, but "aint no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees."

Death is so hard

Harlen's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer on January 21st, 2017. They gave her 3 months to live. She flew home to Boise from Arizona (snowbirds) . She was weak but she could walk to the pick-up and then walk into the house when we got her and Fred home. 2 days later she couldn't walk to the bathroom. Her dementia and sundowners was getting a lot worse. It was hard to watch a women with so much life fail so quickly. She took such great care of herself. She always ate right and exercised daily. I thought she would live to be a hundred. She is going to be missed so much.

My mother was my stone.
One of the few I called my own.
She was understanding and kind.
Loved me heart, soul and mind.
She never left me yearning.
Every moment I was learning,
How to live my life with bliss,
Never ever wanting to miss,
A single moment with the ones I love.
Still sending blessings from above.
She will be forever in my heart,
Closer and yet now apart.

I love you Mom.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Another Year Older..........

I turned 47 today. 47. Wow I think the last time I was coherent of a birthday I was 37. Then the world turned upside down and everything changed. I have a great family and great friends that treat me incredible. Harlen got me a Amazon Alexa for my present. I am so excited to try it out but I have too many devises registered to my account and it is taking forever to de-register them. It is going to be my companion when I am home alone. I can ask her anything. I might become wise again. I might play music all day long. I might listen to audio books. The prospects are endless

Christmas was a little strange this year. It was the first time all of the kids weren't home in the morning. Cyrus was at his girlfriends the night before with her family. Christmas Eve is big for them. He slept the night because of bad roads. True is living about a 1/2 mile from our house. We waited until 9 am to open presents, until everyone got home. We had our traditional Pigs 'n a blanket for a late breakfast. Then everyone split, We also have an extra at our house, Cyrus' friend from high school who is trying to get clean. He is a very nice kid and I feel lucky to help him. Cyrus got a PS4 VR. We had a great time playing it as a family. It is so real, I almost peed my pants when some freaky girls jumped out in front of me. I screamed and everyone laughed. I would encourage the purchase of this VR it is 360 degrees.

My surgery went well. I thought I would have a faster recovery than I am having though. I didn't understand my Doc. At my follow up he told me it was a 4-6 week recovery. I still have quite a lot of pain under my left rib. When I sneeze or cough I am in agony. I guess that is normal. I can only sleep on my right side. But gigantic is that I have no Acid Reflux anymore. I can't eat normally yet but it is coming.

On the 27th of December Harlen and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary. Can you believe we have made it this long? We have been to Purgatory and somehow we have made it back. It is still stressful at times and we disagree on so much, but we are willing to do whatever we have to to make this marriage work.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

My parents are getting old. I am not ready for life without them. :(

This week has been so stressful. Our insurance cancelled us again because they said our payment was 4 days late. so much confusion this year with this company. Nightmare is generous. They sent us a refund because we paid too much then cancelled for non-payment. My surgery was in 10 days. Stress.

Friday my mom was admitted to the hospital with a BP of 60/52, pneumonia and strep. She was on her death bed. They said if she wouldn't have come in she would have died in her sleep. They gave her fluids, antibiotics through the IV. Sunday night she was doing better. They let her go home Monday.

This morning my dad couldn't get up. My brother couldn't help him up. The ambulance came and took him to the hospital. He has a blood infection, a blood clot from his groin to his knee. His Blood Pressure fell so much that they had to put adrenaline in his heart. He is in the ICU today.

My mom is important in my life. My dad talks to me every morning before Rush starts. I call at 9:45 and we talk until the radio program starts. He is my lifeline sometimes, a lot of times. My mom has been sick a lot this year.  It's hard to see them get old, struggle. My dad was the strongest man I knew. Is he still?

The insurance re-instated us this morning. My surgery is Thursday at 11:30 am. I will be on liquids for 2 weeks. I will be having Christmas dinner in a blender. How fun and exciting :)

I didn't get my house clean before, the tree is kind of decorated, and the Christmas cards are printed without a poem or without being labeled. It could be interesting.

I need a lot of luck!

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

"If you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me."

Matthew 25:40 is on Loughlin's headstone...........

I know I am not religious, but I do try to find influence to better my life. I feel the need to help the most downtrodden. Everyone calls me crazy. My son's friend is homeless and in trouble. He needs help. Who am I not to offer my home, my family, my food, my love? I am just a peasant, whom without the help of others would have perished long ago. I have a loving family. I had a grandma who took me in when I was lost, never to be found. She loved me and taught me that there should be no judgement, only love. 

I am not in a great place right now myself, but lending a hand to someone else makes me feel good, makes me realize that there is pain all around us. It makes me understand that all we have to do is open our eyes a little bit and the opportunities to help, save, love is everywhere. 

I go in for LAPAROSCOPIC NISSEN FUNDOPLICATION on December 15th. I will be sore for sometime. I will be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks. It will be a miserable Christmas for me. I am trying to get on top of things before that time. I usually start Christmas cards, shopping, decorating at about the 15th so I am struggling. I am so far behind that I have not done True's thank you cards from graduation, or the kids' steer thank you cards from September. So I am working on all three at the same time. The shopping will be done online. The presents will be wrapped by my beautiful daughters. I hope to have the Christmas tree up on Sunday. 

Monday, November 28, 2016

Thanksgiving and things I am thankful for......

We went to the Oregon Coast for our Thanksgiving this year. There are so many memories I love from the coast when our family was almost whole. We love it there.

The ocean is hypnotic.

The waves in the winter are so incredible, so beautiful, so mesmerizing. It really is my favorite place on Earth. I feel so close to Loughlin there.

We had a few extras, True's friend, Kevin, Cyrus' girlfriend McKayla and Cyrus' friend Nate. It was so much fun.

The sound of the waves crashing on the shore is so relaxing for me.

The new rental house is fun and we even had friends of Harlen and I show up for dinner Friday night where I cooked my famous clam chowder and tried my first Ciopinno. We played board games and belly laughed for hours.

It was a great weekend, but of course the emptiness returns. I miss my son so much. Coming home is just a huge reminder of how it should be, how it could be if I would have just seen that truck.

So my Thanksgiving doesn't last long because the blues and the sadness always seem to creep in and ruin all of the fun.

I miss you Loughlin, You loved the ocean and fishing and kite flying and the fun houses and the Oregon Aquarium and pretty much everything that has to do with the Coast. I miss you Rhiannon because you never even got the chance to love this place, to share it with us.

Monday, October 31, 2016

8 years , I guess is the amount of time until everyone thinks you should be fine.

October 27th, 2016 was 8 years since Loughlin died. For me, it will always be one of those days, but I guess for the rest of the world he has been put on the back burner. The phone calls were 0. Even Harlen wanted to treat it as just another day in paradise. I tried to remind people with a post on Loughlin's page on Facebook, but it felt shallow and like I was trying too hard.

Did you know me before I lost Loughlin? I am nothing like I was, or maybe I am exactly like I was before. I don't remember what I was like. If I was a better person to some, I was a worse person to others. It is relative.

You might have forgot my son, but I haven't. You see part of my heart will be forever dead, black, empty. My soul is crying out, yet no one is listening. I have sang my song of misery for too long. I have used all of the empathy allowed in this world. I should sink into the darkness of the water where you do not have to acknowledge my pain anymore, but that wouldn't be me. Why do you feel you don't have to be a little uncomfortable around me twice a year when I am in agony every single day? You run. You hide. You ignore, but I am like that smell you can't get out of your freezer. I will always be here to remind you.

Today is Halloween. It used to be our family's favorite. We used to dress up together. It used to be so much fun, but now all I remember is the wreck and being in a hospital and someone taking my kids trick-or-treating for me. WOW 8 years might be enough for everyone else but it isn't even close for me.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A Belly Laugh is so Therapeutic / Homecoming Dance / Last JV Game

I have had a couple of really good days. I spent time with my kids getting ready for Homecoming. We laughed and we laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I can't believe how much better I felt. A belly laugh is better than any drug.

Lea went to her 1st Cotillion, She was beautiful. She was nervous and silly. She had so much fun. She cannot wait for the next one.

Giles went to Homecoming for his 1st time, 1st dance in high school. He had a good time but he is way too cool to  tell me how much fun he had. His date Brenda is beautiful and sweet. They are cute together.

Maya is a Jr. and she lives for this kind of stuff. She plans what they are going to do for weeks. She buys a dress, shoes, jewelry. She looked gorgeous. Her smile is intoxicating. She has so much fun in life.

Giles also played his last JV game of the season. He got a lot more play time and he had fun. (I hope not enough fun he wants to do it again) but he had a good time.

All in all last week was by far a better week. It was hand over fist, good over sad. I love my kids. I am glad that most of them are enjoying their lives now. It takes some of the guilt out of my heart.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Just a Week away.from the Ugly

Today is the 20th of October. I am busy. It is Homecoming Week. Kids are going every which way imaginable. Yet, I look out my window and the colors are orange and yellow with brown sneaking in. My heart skips a little, my stomach is queasy, my hands shake uncontrollably, my head swims and aches, I am transformed back to that day, that morning. I was so busy. I had to get home. I had to make a cake for a funeral at the church. I was grouchy. I made Loughlin and Cyrus change seats, Harlen says I favored Cyrus. Did I? This is all my fault. I can't even say I am sorry. I am so sorry Loughlin. I loved you so much. I was always so proud of you. You set our family on a path that is still taken today. I am sorry. My heart hurts so much. My doc always asks me where I feel it. I feel it from the tip of my head to my toes. I am weak. The crater you have left in our life can never be filled. I wish I could live my life over. I would cherish every moment with every child, Rhiannon, Loughlin, Cyrus, True. Maya, Giles and Lea, everyone of them. Life is fleeting. What makes an ordinary day an extraordinary moment? I wish I could remember every second I spent with Loughlin, but with every day my mind fails me more.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

My Response is Anger

There was yet another accident in our little neck of the woods last week. 5 kids were in a pick-up truck driving under the influence and it rolled. Some of the kids walked away from the accident and some are hurt. Everyone is asking for prayers for them, others held a vigil for them. Me, I just sat and stewed, finding myself get angrier and angrier. How many years do you think I will be like this, the feeling of being cheated? Loughlin did nothing wrong. He hardly did anything wrong ever. He was such an amazing young men. Am I saying these kids drank, got in their pick-up drove so they deserve it? Hell no, if so there are a million crazy teenagers that deserve to be dead, including me. I am saying, in a just world Loughlin would still be here. He didn't deserve this.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

The Cemetery

I really have memory problems, but I can't remember the last time I have been to Loughlin's grave. I used to visit it often. I felt closer to him there. I believe that is because of the quietness that surrounds you there. It is surreal, well until some car or farm truck drives by and ruins the entire moment. They look at you like you are a freak. If you show your emotions, cry the looks make you feel like you are unstable, that you should have been over this. Almost 8 years and you are still crying for a son you killed, yes, yes, yes, I cry almost daily. I cry at my failures. I cry at what my life has become. I look for something to drowned out my agony. Alcohol, drugs, but I have other kids. I have to be strong, so I will just use my prescribed meds to relieve my hurt and anger and frustration at the process. Why the hell do I have do go through this twice?

Are you a mom? Can you feel my pain? Can you feel the loneliness even in a crowded room? Do you feel this anger? Scream with me. Let the world know how fucked up this is.

Loughlin and Rhiannon, I will never look upon your beautiful faces again. I am so tired..........

Monday, October 10, 2016

I just don't believe anymore

I don't believe anymore in a God or a Jesus Christ, Muhammad, Hindu Gods, Wicca, Buddha, or anything to do with religion. I would like to. It would make life easier, but I am a realist. I might believe in a higher power that created this earth, but to believe he cares is absurd.

I have heard so many platitudes from my believing friends to try to bring me back to the fold. "God loves you the most, that is why he gives you so any trials. Loughlin and Rhiannon are in a better place", A better place? If it is so great, come over here and I will help you get there. smh "They will meet  you on the other side" oh that is helpful. "Loughlin & Rhiannon do not have to live through all of these trials in this mortal life. They are lucky." So Harlen , me and the rest of the kids are not chosen ones?  We are left here on this Earth to what? Get stronger? Be tested?

I have decided to take the so called "easier road" (quote from a lady in church) and believe that shit happens and some of us are so much more unlucky than others, but it isn't because of some kind of presence and the result of my actions. I don't believe it for a minute. The good and the bad are equally damned.

I am a good person. I haven't always made right choices but I try to most days. I help people in need when I can. My empathy button doesn't work like it use to, but who could blame me.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Hunting Season lasts a Lifetime

Loughlin's 1st and only Buck

Loughlin loved to hunt. He hunted in his free time as much as he could. He shot his 1st buck on one of the last day of hunting season. His first hunting season. The mount is beautifully hung going down our stairs. It was an awesome buck. 

True now loves to hunt even more than Loughlin did. He hunts morning and night. He never drew for a tag this year, but did get a bow permit. He shot his first buck with a bow the other night. Now it is Giles turn. It is the first weekend he can go. Harlen, True and Giles headed to Jordan Valley to try to fill Giles' permit. I hope he gets his 1st deer.

On the other hand it is hard for me to put on a smile and say go. It all makes my heart hurt so much. It makes me think of Loughlin and how much he missed, how much joy we missed in him succeeding, how hard it is to be overly excited for the other boys. I also know that their is danger each time they head out with their guns. My grandfather was shot and killed deer hunting in Utah. I have never been a fan and my anxiety is overwhelming when they go. 
Pheasant season opened today, next is duck and goose, then turkey. You see my anguish will go on forever, but hopefully the worry will subside a bit.