The impending 10 year mark is suffocating me.

.
I am shaking
Heart breaking
No faking
I want to die
10 long years
All my fears
They came true
I never knew
A pain like this
The child I miss
Could change us all
I sit. I scream. I bawl.
Where are the smiles?
Nothing but trials.
I have failed.
My hands not nailed
My cross I have to carry
The weight makes me weary,
My mind is scrambled
His life I gambled.
I see him lying there.
God how can this be fair?
One life gone, but 7 destroyed.
Lives of hell were deployed.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful talented amazing baby birl

My baby is 14 and going to high school. She is so beautiful inside and out and talented. I love her to death. 

Bad Days are the norm

I am trying to get my books done.....late as always, but I am actually making an effort. Today Harlen brought me home a new print cartridge. It did not have a plastic cover on it. I was a little concerned, but I opened it and twisted the orange lever on the bottom of the cartridge. It exploded in my hands. I had my happy blanket on me and it left a large ink spot on it. I worked to get it out but it wasn't budging. Big deal, not in the large universal scheme of things, but I am tired of it. I am tired anyway and when things don't turn out at all I want to give up. I have fair books due this Friday with my 4-H group also. Where is the 8ft hole of soft cool dirt? I am ready. This life really is LONG :(

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

It's been so long. Is it really worth the effort?

How long has it been since I poured my heart out on this computer? Long I questioned whether I should keep it up. My life seemed to suck in the present about as much as everyone around me then something wonderful happened. Life altering wonderful, and then something even more wonderful happened, then we made it to three. I don't know how long it has been since 3 things that were positive happened in my life, our lives. Maya graduated from high school with honors which is huge. She took Math 112 college credit and still graduated with honors. I am so proud of her knowing the struggles she has. But they are not struggles to her.

 #2 Softball season ended and our team won the championship. Maya coaching, Giles helping, Me coaching and most importantly Lea playing with 9 of her friends. We beat everyone bad  Lea pitched great. All the girls hit so good. Errors weren't found. We played an almost perfect game in the series. Those girls are World Champions.


#3 The best news is Cyrus and McKayla came and told us they were pregnant and we were going to take on new names Papa and Gramma. Wow a new life, a new spirit in our family. Everyday that I was down in this happy period I would think about that new baby and nothing bad mattered. My back was out. I got 3 bouts of thrush, but that was nothing because I was going to be a nana or a grandma.


 



But wait, I know what you are thinking, well maybe you are more positive than me because I am not , but I would  be thinking at this point this post is just too happy.This is way too much good news, Well I would be right, Sunday McKayla started spotting., and of course the good times ceased to roll. She lost the baby. 12 weeks along .And there it was. Now I am sitting doing books and I am only thinking about that baby and what could have been, for Cyrus, McKayla, and the rest of the family and I cry, because I hate loss, because I believe we have had far more than our fair share of shitty luck. So I feel like a prisoner in my own life with a small window in my cell teasing me with a hot meal and all my loved ones around me. Then I cry some more and I feel sorry for myself because I can, because I don't know anything else..that is all I know.



For my sanity My friend made me a weighted blanket just in time for all the stress and anxiety.  Thanks Tami I love it and it really is incredible.
I am finally sleeping.