A Full Life

I'm am writing from the confines of the 3rd floor at St. Luke's hospital. Harlen spiked a fever on Thursday and this is where we ended up. He went for his fourth intravenous chemotherapy and had a fever of a 102.9. They sent us to the Emergency room then he was transported to Boise. It was really hard on him for 2 days. His hemoglobin was down to 6.7 when we arrived in Fruitland, after one transfusion it didn't budge at all. He had another transfusion tonight hopefully it works and he can get a little bit of energy to manage harvest. Tonight he is finally resting and feeling better. Leukemia really sucks. He is so strong. I love him more than ever.

In the meantime, Lea won Sophomore Homecoming Princess. Thank God the coronation and Parade was on Wednesday this year. We were lucky enough to enjoy with her celebrating her crowning. She was so cute.  Here are two videos and a very cute photo. Tonight Cyrus filled in for Harlen to walk Lea out on the football field. It was so sweet. Susan Schulthies and Teniele helped us facetime the event so we could watch it from the hospital room. I can't wait for the video.

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2737556759590802/?t=6



https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2738101159536362/?t=2

Thursday was also Loughlin's 26th birthday. We haven't been able to celebrate yet, but hopefully soon. Life seems to have a way of getting in the front of traditions sometimes. Happy Birthday Loughlin. We love you so much and miss you everyday. Life will never be the same without you.

The Creeping Darkness

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last two weeks. The biggest of which is I am happier. I actually am cleaning up my house, but that is going to take a while. I am so out of shape. Wallowing in self pity can certainly take it out of someone when it takes 10 years to snap out of it. I am tired though. I can feel the darkness creeping in and I hate it.

Volleyball season has ended for Lea, but she started pitching lessons last night. She will be starting pretty much from scratch. She wants to learn new and faster pitches so she is going to have to change almost all of her pitching technique. It is going to be a long process, but if anyone can do it, it is her.

Maya has decided to come back to TVCC for the Winter term. She is after all a mommy's girl. It will save her so much money and I really love her around.

Cyrus got all his paper work in and should be starting to substitute teaching soon. Maybe then he will know that is what he wants to do before starting the Masters program.

True and Katlyn spent 10 days on a elk hunt and saw nothing, so they froze their ass off for nothing. I am sure True still found fun in it.

Giles needs to improve his grades. He only cares about fast cars and cute girls. I hope he starts pitching soon.

Harlen has the corn and cow work left for this year. He is exhausted and we are talking about phasing us out of the farm. None of our kids want to take it over. He is too tired to do it all.

Please God keep these meds working. I love the new , old me.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

A Celebration of Loughlin's Life

Last night we invited friends and family to Red Lobster to eat and enjoy the  company. The love was so thick in the room that no sadness could come in. It was a wonderful night.  We had notes for guests to write memories on. I am reading them now. Red Lobster was good food, but the memories are a feast for the soul. 52 of our loved ones showed up to support our family. Lea couldn't come because of volleyball and Giles, the great big brother stayed behind with her.

Happy 25th Birthday Loughlin.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1871888009527170&id=128211143894874

Video of Loughlin's 15 years with us. I can't even start to describe the heartache. Miss him everyday, hour, minute, second.
Always an empty chair.

The impending 10 year mark is suffocating me.

.
I am shaking
Heart breaking
No faking
I want to die
10 long years
All my fears
They came true
I never knew
A pain like this
The child I miss
Could change us all
I sit. I scream. I bawl.
Where are the smiles?
Nothing but trials.
I have failed.
My hands not nailed
My cross I have to carry
The weight makes me weary,
My mind is scrambled
His life I gambled.
I see him lying there.
God how can this be fair?
One life gone, but 7 destroyed.
Lives of hell were deployed.

Venting........Puking.........

Do you know me? I’m the woman that killed her son.

It was an accident you say but resolution I feel none.

People spend a life locked away for stealing such a spirit.

You say it’s different this time, but I don’t want to hear it.

My hands shake because of the guilt.

So many hours I have knelt.

An empty soul is all I’ve built.

An offsuit I’ve been dealt.

All the darkness I have felt.

A decade of sorrow left a welt.

I can’t perform the easiest task.

I leave the house in Eleanor’s mask.

I drink the poison from his flask,

But it was never enough to ease this madness.

Never enough to end this sadness.

Look again I am but a shell.

I dwell on earth in a living hell

When will I hear the toll of the bell?

How long could one feel this way?

I visited your marker just yesterday.

The shame made me retch.

As I read the scripture that was etched.

“If you have done it unto the least of these……”

God remove it please.

I killed him, and he is gone forever.

This family will now never be together.

The Conversation

Cyrus and McKayla came over to the house yesterday. We talked. We talked for 2 hours about a lot of things. He still blames me for so many things, but I don't think he hates me. I don't know if things will ever be the same. I love this child so much. I would easily give my life for him. If this was a fair world I would be able to take this from him. I deserve it. He deserves a good life, teaching, having kids, loving his music and his books. He has been through hell and back. If God was real I could sacrifice my mind for him to be healthy. Love should conquer all.

Temple Trip

Fun night at the Temple open house. Harlen and I, Giles and Brenda plus Jenny Brenda's sister.

Then I tripped over the parking curb and cracked a rib. I am getting old.

Look what is down our hill............

Do you see the truck at the end of the lane? Sure it is further than that horrible morning, but it is there, and the corn is being harvested in the field. This is triggering me to the point my head is foggy. No it isn't ok to park it there. You would think you would know that.

Drowned Yearbooks. The insanity of it all........

I am cleaning for the upcoming wedding. I found a yearbook from 2009 that belonged to Cyrus. It was in the basement flood and you couldn't open very many of the pages. I, like the curious cat, had to open the book. I read a few of the comments from his friends. This is the Spring after Loughlin's death. The comments read like this, "what a great year Cyrus" or "Hope next year is as good as this one" and I thought for a while. Was I aware of how this must of felt for my son. How could everyone around him be so oblivious to what he was going through. He had spent half the year in a wheelchair because of his legs. It made my heart hurt and my stomach sick to be reminded of what this brave kid went through. He is amazing.
I am thinking about Cyrus often right now. His upcoming nuptials are exciting, but they are also scary. We have a good relationship. I don't want that to go away. I know it will change as it has through the years, but I love our conversations on movies, literature and music, politics when it gets in the way. I love this man he has become against all odds.

They Have it Worse

They Have it Worse

You think you got it bad there is someone who always has it worse.

They took your pride but they left your purse.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I could sit down and detail it in a letter.

You have no idea what I’ve been through.

Your eyes would cry a tear if you knew,

Or maybe you would talk the same way.

Judge me, then invite me to pray.

You think you know what it is like to walk in my shoes,

Do you know what it’s like to feel so blue?

To sit and wonder what your child would have been?

To question every moment, if not then?

Then times that by two and add abuse and a rape.

Are you astonished? Is that a gape?

Some have it worse, but some have it milder.

Some like it nice and some like it wilder.

Some think I’m a bitch, and some think I am kind.

I invite you to come inside my shady mind.

Then you’ll see the darkest, deepest corners,

Where they scream and claw at this greatest mourner.

I see my baby in my dreams.

She is perfect, life is what it seems.

But that dream fades and in comes the fear.

The reapers are all around. Their breath is near.

They take her away and leave me pleading.

She is fresh and I am still bleeding.

Then tease me with a greater life.

Hit me once, now hit me twice.

He was the flawless son.

His potential had just begun...

The harvester couldn’t take this one in the dark.

This time the jaws were as mean as a shark.

He left a scar that no one could hide.

He pilfered what was left inside.

The grim he took the future and left me blind.

Now who has it worst? Who can you find?

You know nothing about them, just as you know nothing about me.

Open your eyes and get off your worn knees.

God never made you judge over anyone.

You say he sent his Only Begotten Son?

That is for your mind not for mine.

Being on your knees weakens the spine.

So, tell me again how Some have it worse.

Because my life feels like it has been cursed.

I am not looking for your pity.

Asking you to get down and gritty.

I am not asking for anything at all.

You’re the reason I built a large wall.

To keep the Pharisees out and let no one else in.

Your words will not penetrate the skin.

Leave me alone and take your own course.

Empathy is one thing no one can force.

You can choose to be happy

As you know reading this blog I have chose not to have religion or god in my life. The pain and guilt attached to the two is more that I can handle. I choose not to believe in a God that closes his eyes and ignores the suffering of his creations on Earth. I am constantly looking for something that will ease this pain and longing of losing two children.

Today is the day Rhiannon died. 29 years ago she left me. She was laying next to me in bed. I woke up to find her cold and blue with blood coming from her nose. The images never leave my mind. So the day after Memorial day I am grieving like it was yesterday, but I have been grieving for what seems an eternity. One of Maya's friends is pregnant. She brings back so many memories for me. She sang in her last choir concert. She graduated. She stands proud. I want to put my arms around her and tell her to take everyday as a gift, to love that little girl, to take picture after picture. Not to be like me and take life for granted, to not take pictures, and to hold her every minute of every day.

The person who should be my biggest supporter has grown tired of my sadness and depression. He yelled at me and told me it has been long enough. He said 9 years is time enough to get over the death of my son. I said that I still haven't done it in 29 years. I cannot choose to be happy. There are days I am happy. I am coaching Lea's softball team again this year. I love it. I am happy some of the time, but some times I am paralyzed with the panic, anxiety and sadness. Some days I have a hard time getting out of bed. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I will never be normal again. Do you think I choose to be debilitated? He has diabetes. I told him he should choose not to have diabetes. I don't see a difference. I do not choose to have PTSD. I do not choose to be paralyzed when sirens go off. I do not choose to have uncontrolled shaking when a cop is behind me. I do not choose to have tremors so bad I can't write the roster for my softball team. I do not choose any of them. I do not chose to be miserable, but some days I am.

I did not choose to be sexually abused.

 I did not choose to lose my virginity to a 30 year old man who raped me when I was passed out drunk at 16.

 I did not choose to lose my baby girl when I was alone at the age of 18 and I did not choose to drive into a parked farm truck killing my handsome son, injuring 3 of my other children. I did not choose it. I am doing the best I can. 

Please don't place more guilt on me. Please don't knock me down further. Don't hold my head deeper under the water. I am losing consciousness. I am drowning. It doesn't matter the amount of time that passes, 9 years, 29 years, 31 years, or 38 years. I am doing the best I can. It may not be what you think is the best I can, but I am trying everyday I get out of bed. Everyday I love my babies. Everyday I do what I can to help them in their lives. If they call I am there for them. I am happy for Cyrus and his upcoming nuptials. I have the invitations done.

So there it is. Whatever you hear in church or on your radio Christian shows it is not true. I am not able to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.  These people , these church leaders and speakers think they know. I hope one day that diseases of the mind will be treated with the same attitude as diseases of the any other part of the body. PTSD cannot be prayed away. It cannot be wished away. There is no magic  cure, no blessing that will miraculously fix it. It is a difficult and excruciating process to be able to function in this world. I take my medicine. I see my counselor. I am trying.

I just wish the world could understand. I wish my loved ones could too. But just like CHOOSING to be happy it isn't that easy. If only I could choose I would.

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Skip ahead to Landslide on the Playlist at the top of the page.

"I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too"

Fleetwood Mac Landslide

I was walking in a retail store yesterday looking for a black dress for Lea and Maya for an upcoming occasion. When I passed the children section I became dark. At first I thought I am so glad that I am passed this time in my life, but then I got a bit uglier. I don't even want grandkids. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want the chance of a loss again. It is better not to ever love than to love and lost. 

I am not handling the seasons of my life. I think I have reverted to the anger stage once again in this ongoing grief. Cyrus is getting married in 90 days. WOW! Maybe this "changin' ocean tide" is taking me under. Not that I am not ecstatic for him, I am. I am happy for him. He is happier than I have seen him in 9 years. She does that for him. 

It just sucks Loughlin won't be here to watch his lil brother tie the knot, or better yet tie the knot himself.

You should just get past it.

Someone very close to me gave the whole spill about how I should get over losing two kids, I should get past it, sure it was hard, but it was a long time . I don't like hearing this from people who aren't close to me, but coming from someone who is supposed to be on your side. your encourager, your no matter what, it bothered me. 

I am not sleeping again. My anxiety and panic is through the ceiling. I am exhausted. I am sad. 

Can I just sleep?

Thanksgiving and things I am thankful for......

We went to the Oregon Coast for our Thanksgiving this year. There are so many memories I love from the coast when our family was almost whole. We love it there.

The ocean is hypnotic.













The waves in the winter are so incredible, so beautiful, so mesmerizing. It really is my favorite place on Earth. I feel so close to Loughlin there.




We had a few extras, True's friend, Kevin, Cyrus' girlfriend McKayla and Cyrus' friend Nate. It was so much fun.

The sound of the waves crashing on the shore is so relaxing for me.

The new rental house is fun and we even had friends of Harlen and I show up for dinner Friday night where I cooked my famous clam chowder and tried my first Ciopinno. We played board games and belly laughed for hours.





It was a great weekend, but of course the emptiness returns. I miss my son so much. Coming home is just a huge reminder of how it should be, how it could be if I would have just seen that truck.

So my Thanksgiving doesn't last long because the blues and the sadness always seem to creep in and ruin all of the fun.

I miss you Loughlin, You loved the ocean and fishing and kite flying and the fun houses and the Oregon Aquarium and pretty much everything that has to do with the Coast. I miss you Rhiannon because you never even got the chance to love this place, to share it with us.

8 years , I guess is the amount of time until everyone thinks you should be fine.

October 27th, 2016 was 8 years since Loughlin died. For me, it will always be one of those days, but I guess for the rest of the world he has been put on the back burner. The phone calls were 0. Even Harlen wanted to treat it as just another day in paradise. I tried to remind people with a post on Loughlin's page on Facebook, but it felt shallow and like I was trying too hard.

Did you know me before I lost Loughlin? I am nothing like I was, or maybe I am exactly like I was before. I don't remember what I was like. If I was a better person to some, I was a worse person to others. It is relative.

You might have forgot my son, but I haven't. You see part of my heart will be forever dead, black, empty. My soul is crying out, yet no one is listening. I have sang my song of misery for too long. I have used all of the empathy allowed in this world. I should sink into the darkness of the water where you do not have to acknowledge my pain anymore, but that wouldn't be me. Why do you feel you don't have to be a little uncomfortable around me twice a year when I am in agony every single day? You run. You hide. You ignore, but I am like that smell you can't get out of your freezer. I will always be here to remind you.

Today is Halloween. It used to be our family's favorite. We used to dress up together. It used to be so much fun, but now all I remember is the wreck and being in a hospital and someone taking my kids trick-or-treating for me. WOW 8 years might be enough for everyone else but it isn't even close for me.

Just a Week away.from the Ugly

Today is the 20th of October. I am busy. It is Homecoming Week. Kids are going every which way imaginable. Yet, I look out my window and the colors are orange and yellow with brown sneaking in. My heart skips a little, my stomach is queasy, my hands shake uncontrollably, my head swims and aches, I am transformed back to that day, that morning. I was so busy. I had to get home. I had to make a cake for a funeral at the church. I was grouchy. I made Loughlin and Cyrus change seats, Harlen says I favored Cyrus. Did I? This is all my fault. I can't even say I am sorry. I am so sorry Loughlin. I loved you so much. I was always so proud of you. You set our family on a path that is still taken today. I am sorry. My heart hurts so much. My doc always asks me where I feel it. I feel it from the tip of my head to my toes. I am weak. The crater you have left in our life can never be filled. I wish I could live my life over. I would cherish every moment with every child, Rhiannon, Loughlin, Cyrus, True. Maya, Giles and Lea, everyone of them. Life is fleeting. What makes an ordinary day an extraordinary moment? I wish I could remember every second I spent with Loughlin, but with every day my mind fails me more.

The Cemetery

I really have memory problems, but I can't remember the last time I have been to Loughlin's grave. I used to visit it often. I felt closer to him there. I believe that is because of the quietness that surrounds you there. It is surreal, well until some car or farm truck drives by and ruins the entire moment. They look at you like you are a freak. If you show your emotions, cry the looks make you feel like you are unstable, that you should have been over this. Almost 8 years and you are still crying for a son you killed, yes, yes, yes, I cry almost daily. I cry at my failures. I cry at what my life has become. I look for something to drowned out my agony. Alcohol, drugs, but I have other kids. I have to be strong, so I will just use my prescribed meds to relieve my hurt and anger and frustration at the process. Why the hell do I have do go through this twice?

Are you a mom? Can you feel my pain? Can you feel the loneliness even in a crowded room? Do you feel this anger? Scream with me. Let the world know how fucked up this is.

Loughlin and Rhiannon, I will never look upon your beautiful faces again. I am so tired..........

Hunting Season lasts a Lifetime

Loughlin's 1st and only Buck

Loughlin loved to hunt. He hunted in his free time as much as he could. He shot his 1st buck on one of the last day of hunting season. His first hunting season. The mount is beautifully hung going down our stairs. It was an awesome buck. 

True now loves to hunt even more than Loughlin did. He hunts morning and night. He never drew for a tag this year, but did get a bow permit. He shot his first buck with a bow the other night. Now it is Giles turn. It is the first weekend he can go. Harlen, True and Giles headed to Jordan Valley to try to fill Giles' permit. I hope he gets his 1st deer.

On the other hand it is hard for me to put on a smile and say go. It all makes my heart hurt so much. It makes me think of Loughlin and how much he missed, how much joy we missed in him succeeding, how hard it is to be overly excited for the other boys. I also know that their is danger each time they head out with their guns. My grandfather was shot and killed deer hunting in Utah. I have never been a fan and my anxiety is overwhelming when they go. 

Pheasant season opened today, next is duck and goose, then turkey. You see my anguish will go on forever, but hopefully the worry will subside a bit.