Monday, October 27, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2008

I believe this is the first Monday, October 27th since Loughlin passed. Last night I struggled with the unremarkable day the Sunday before had been. I don't remember exactly what we were doing that day. Sunday was always the day we spent doing nothing. Well we went to church and we came home to probably roast beef, potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole. We probably gorged ourselves then sat down to football, video games or a movie together. We could have broke out a board game, but we were together. We were always together. But in 12 hrs Loughlin was gone. I woke up early this morning wondering what I could have done to change the future that was to come that morning 6 years ago. I felt nauseated. I know this is just a day, a date, a month. But this day will forever haunt my mind. I miss Loughlin so much. Friday night was our rival football game. So many of Loughlin's old friends were there. some times I love seeing them and yet sometimes the hurt is to raw. True's team lost and I don't know I was just sad. I am sad everytime I realize I am not able to control my kids lives, Protect them from sadness, from being hurt. I was like this before losing Loughlin but now times it by 10.
So this Monday is different. In 2008 we had already set our clocks back. The sun was rising in the East as I drove down the hill. This morning it was still dark. It is so warm this year, that year it was a fall cool. But the biggest difference is Loughlin is gone, and our family will never be the same.
I am getting stronger, maybe less bitter but I am still so sad.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Poem

There is briskness in the air.
Reminding me of how unfair,
This life always seems to be.
Why can't anyone else see?
The sights, the smell, the sounds,
Listening to my heart as it pounds.
Gun shots in the distance,
Seem to reminisce his short existence.
Can you recall that day, that morning, that fall,
That hopeless cry, that paralyzing call?
I can't erase it from my memories,
So tired of begging the Father, please.

No answers for this tragedy.
Spent years on a bended knee,
With each falling leaf, a tear.
It doesn't matter how many years.
He was once here and now he's not. So many happy times, yet now forgot

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Happy 21st Birthday Loughlin

I made this movie for Loughlin's Birthday. The Greenday song in the middle was his favorite and then IZ. I hope you enjoy it. I miss him so much I feel as if my heart is going to break.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Close Calls, Uncontrollable Bawls and Accidental Falls

My kids have always helped on the farm. Loughlin helped quite a bit with the tractor work. Cyrus helped with the cattle and True did a little of both.  Giles started driving tractor last year a little bit. He raked or ran the disc. This year he started doing more. Last week he started packing the pit. I hate that job. It feels very unstable all of the time. Anyway to make a long story long, last Monday he flipped the tractor.He flipped it completely over. He was upside down. It has taken me a week to write about it because I can still barely process the emotions that go with what almost happened. Some close calls are easy to get past but this one is lasting.
So I have cried and cried. I have tried to get past the thought of losing another child. I have been angry at Harlen for putting him on that tractor. I have been angry, angry, angry. I have not wanted to let them out of my sight. I am tired of this anxiety that follows me. I am tired of horrible things that keep happening to this family. It is the trial that never ends. I have messed up and I have cried and bawled and screamed at the top of my voice. Will life ever be good again? I think not.
As for the accidental falls....I could complain that I slipped on a plastic hanger, fell on my ass and put my back out but that is a small fall. I could talk about my fall from grace, from God, from my faith. I do not believe in anything anymore. I hear people talk and I think, do they really believe this. I could talk about so many falls...And aren't most falls accidental, falling prey, falling in love, falling off the house, falling for a prank, falling, falling, falling. Can you see me falling? Throw me a rope, I will use it for my noose.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Wallflower

This blog started out as a outlet for me and for me to try to help people out there in the vastness to understand how hard losing a child is. I don't think I have accomplished either one.
I am still grieving, traumatized, angry, sad, and completely heartbroken. My life is still in complete disarray. I am at odds with my God, my church and for the most part my husband. I have pretty much f#$%$@ up everything that I could have since that day. We are still fighting the insurance company that I do believe gets a kick out of dragging these settlements out until any family can take no more. I have lived through 2 more sons passing that 2 months after becoming a freshman stage, and now Maya is there. I am a wreck. It seems stupid but I live those 2 months over and over in my head. Oh Loughlin your potential was great and I cut it down in the prime of your life. I can hear your voice in my mind. I struggle to keep your smiling face a part of my life. Watching my living children go through any crisis is almost more than I can take. I cry myself to sleep. I never thought life would be easy but I did believe at some point there would be peace.
As for the people in my life....they still believe they can pray away this anguish. Platitudes are used constantly to somehow make me feel better. Stories from the Bible such as my favorite Job, are used to let me know there are people who have it worse. I am told to smile, keep my head up, take care of the kids I still have and just have Faith, trust in the Lord. I smile when there is something to smile about. I keep my head up to walk or drive for I know the consequences when I don't. I do my best at taking care of my kids and I feel guilty that I don't do it better. And I use to trust the Lord, see where that got me.......Twice Bitten and now I am very shy. (Oh but he gave you the very air you breath.........Well he can take it away. My life insurance is worth more than me.)
As for my blog title. I have always been a Wallflower. I have rarely fit in to social situations. I rarely cared if I did. I would have died before I kissed someone's arse. I raised my kids to be the same. Most of my kids are so much more social than me. They have fun and get along with others. But they do not kiss arse. In my day people were mostly judged by their performance. There wasn't a need for the brown nosing. I believe some teachers have changed and now need their egos stroked more than they need to make a difference in a young person's life. It is now about them instead of the kids. It makes me sad. They can tear down in a day what others have built for years. I can't wait for them to be in college where they will be graded for their academics not for their cute butt and smile.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Lea's10th Birthday

Happy Birthday my dear, sweet beautiful girl.
Lea turned 10 yesterday. She is such an incredible girl. She sings like an angel. She shows steers like a cowgirl and she plays baseball like The Bambino. 

She was a surprise addition to our family, but what a gift. She keeps me going when I don't feel like I can do anymore. I coached her softball team again this year. She was awesome. We got 3rd in the tournament against much older and larger girls.


When she was born she was a handful. She never quit moving. Her brother's and sisters got tired of her. She was mischievous and quite a lil' monster.

She had one ally, Loughlin. He and her had this unbreakable bond. I thought it would last forever. Lately I find myself reminding her what they were like together. She doesn't remember. It breaks my heart all over again. She was so young when he left us. I can't expect her to feel the love anymore. I dreamed of that bond they speak of in poetry, movies and songs, but that was also a unreal. Life here on this Earth is not like that.



Our family was forever altered on that day.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Shine On

I am sure that as you have read my posts over the last 6 years you have to know I struggle with aspects of the church I belong to. I struggle with the gospel itself. I struggle with the aspect of God's love, blessings, heaven, afterlife......just about everything. I have lost my faith. I have lost 2 of my children and along with it a lot of my empathy for others. My husband on the other hand has found his faith, his God, his existence in this world. I still try to go to my church meetings. It takes all the strength I can muster to go and sit through these 3 hours. Let me give you an example of what I must entertain......

Sunday was the farewell of a very popular boy in our ward. He is a good kid. He has had a good life, quarterback, valedictorian, eagle scout. He did a great job speaking, but and here is the big but,  the priest quorum advisor spoke next. He spoke of how some boys shine and some don't, how you could pick out those kids that shined from an early age and how all those shiny kids are now on missions. He talked about how some choose education over service, how some are willing to give up 2 yrs of their lives to serve and others have selfish desires, some are too smart??????. OK we will leave that one.

I could feel my heart race, my blood pressure rise. I couldn't help but think back on Cyrus' life with this man as his advisor ( I use this word very laughingly). I look back at these Shiney boys and how they left Cyrus in his misery, never once trying to reach out to a young man who was completely struggling with the loss of his brother. Cyrus finally getting enough courage to step out, inviting these so called Shiney boys to a party at his house, not one showed up, except one that would be looked down on by most at the church. The bishop saying, well Cyrus really has never tried to be friends with these Shiny Boys..... How do we judge which kids are good and which kids make out with every girl they can get their hands on? Which kids help others and those that can only see past themselves. Those who cheat and those who turn in cheaters. Cyrus is the only one out of that group that hasn't made the decision to go on a mission. There is no way I could have misconstrued this message. Tell me again how these men are called of God and I will tell you why I have a hard time believing in this God. Cyrus doesn't go to church at college....I am sure you can guess why.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Dominion

Dominion:This word should scare every human being. Why would you ever let someone else have dominion over you?  Righteous, Unrighteous It shouldn't matter.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial day is a double whammy for me. It is hard alone but added that Rhiannon died on Memorial Day makes it more so. I live 7 hrs away from her grave and that also makes it hard. The cemetery was beautiful yesterday, if you can use such a word to describe such a place. If it looked like that everyday it might be easier to visit. I feel angry I have to decorate my child's grave and yet I feel guilty when I don't. Both feelings are born out of a strong sense of displeasure. I still feel so ripped.........it is hard to get past this. I miss them both. We went to the movie, "Million Dollar Arm" after decorating the graves. It was meant to get my mind clear of the sadness. We ate at Red Robin before, our family favorite forever. Harlen was served the wrong hamburger. He got a Whiskey River Bacon Burger instead of his favorite, Banzaii. The bacon burger was Loughlin's favorite. The movie would have been his choice. I was looking for a no brainer like Godzilla. I was voted out. So this morning my heart is heavy and my eyes are leaking. How long until this emptiness goes away?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The In Betweens.......



Happy Birthday Maya



In this tween time
this darkest hour,
We call upon this Sacred Power.
Three together, stand alone
command the unseen to be shown.
In innocence we search the skies,
enchanted are our new found eyes.

I know. I know. Charmed. I loved it when it was on TV. Now my girls love it on Netflix. I recall this episode in the 3rd season that was cutsie, a little too much for me, but it stuck with me. "The In Betweens" It was the doorways in between two rooms where the evil little miniature men would hide and torment all they could get their hands on.

How does this apply to us, to me? I find the days 'in between' days I don't want to face are harder on me than the actual day. The thinking, dwelling, contemplating, crying and when the day is actually here, it is more like wow....I made it. Rhiannon's birthday was the 16th. She would have been 26, or she is 26, or she should have been 26, one of those. The day she died is the 30th. That is a short in between. Maya had her birthday party on Rhiannon's birthday. She has done that a lot. I always considered myself lucky. It was a way to celebrate without bringing unwanted attention to her day. It is still just for me. My other children never knew her. It was my choice, right or wrong, to keep her to myself. If I shared her, others would have hurt her through me, judging, name calling. I never wanted that. A mom always wanted to protect her, to protect all my babies. Maybe the days are easier because I always imagine the worst....and some of the time it isn't the worst. Yet I should be given the benefit of the doubt, look at my track record.

So there are the in betweens but church on the other hand always out do'es my worst nightmares. I wonder every week why I go and sit through this form of torture. Am I a misogynist? I wonder how much longer until I stand on the chair and call out all the crazies in the room. I AM HERE. DON'T TELL EVERYONE THAT IF ONLY YOUR KIDS SAID A PRAYER BEFORE THEY STARTED THEIR CAR THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE SAFE. CAN I LIVE ON YOUR LALA PLANET? THE ONE WHERE WE ALL SIT AROUND AND DRINK KOOLAID AND HOHO's. I was angry for 3 days following. I can find plenty of shit in the outside world to make me mad. I don't need to force myself to entertain the clowns anymore.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Conference Call


Will I heed? I have been out of medicine for over 5 days. I called for a refill but so far none. What are the results? I feel. I feel more than I have in forever. I feel things that are there and not there. I feel things that are implied or forced down my throat. Yet I feel. The problem: I don't know if I can handle these feelings, real or make believe. Loughlin is gone. He is gone because I made a horrible mistake. 5+ years and I am stuck. Rhiannon died, in part, because of my mistake. I didn't wake up on time, but when I did she was gone. Could I have prevented it? We will never know, and yet if I was responsible I killed her and hurt me. My parents lived through it but there was no other immediate family. There was no other affected by my mistake. I buried the feelings along with my daughter. It was too much for me to face. I hid. I ran. I drank. I did everything I could think of that would take me away from those feelings. Guilt, Grief, Trauma, Guilt.

The new problem is I cannot hide, I cannot run, and I cannot self medicate enough to get away from these feelings. They are in front of me constantly. The only way out is death, and I am much to healthy for that. You cannot will yourself to die, and would that not just exasperate the problem further? Would I not hurt my kids both living and dead more if I died? My kids are a daily reminder, if not hourly reminder of my mistakes. I watch them struggle. It hurts my heart so much I feel as if it will burst. All of them have problems concentrating, me too. All of them are on the edge of anger, me too. All of them have feelings of guilt, me too. All of them are looking for answers and not finding them, me too. All of them have trouble feeling, me too.

So what I heard yesterday in a nutshell is: this is your poison, take it and smile, all the time it is killing you, that it shouldn't kill you, if you only had faith. Once again the circle. The trial took my faith and I can't get through it because I have no faith.

On the upside True got a new puppy Friday. He is so very cute. He is a Drahthaar. Loughlin had a Drahthaar when he died, Little Anne. She ran away after he left us. We never found her again. Duke, our new puppy, is named after a dog Harlen's brother had when he died. A Drahthaar also. So is it really an upside? I am puppy sitting today and I am so sad I cannot breath.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Mixed Reviews



I have been having the hardest time with contradicting teachings at the church. My favorite is God is in control of everything and yet to make me feel better people tell me Loughlin's death was just an accident. Now in my seriously crazed mind those two do not or can not go together. How about the notion that our children are not ours, but we just have stewardship over them, and yet we put a very large belief in Forever Families. If our kids aren't actually ours but on loan from God, what difference does it make if we are Together Forever? Who is supposed to be together? Repentance is another one. But one is not ever actually forgiven in this church. Our only hope is God is greater than our puny little minds and souls.We are asked to pray, yet when what we are praying for doesn't happen we are to believe it was in God's best interest. So if God is in charge what possible reason do you pray. He picks and chooses who lives and who dies. Why are we to believe we can change that? With faith and prayer and fasting? Rubbish

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Attention Deficit



I think with every death, after sometime has passed, loved ones around us lose interest, start living their lives, as they should. It is hard to keep the attention of passerbies, even friends and family. I can almost hear them scream, "Get on with it, will you. It has been 5+ years." Maybe it is possible to get on with my life. It isn't for lack of trying that I haven't. Something or someone calls me back to that day. It isn't hard. I drive down our hill and pass by the exact place Loughlin took his last breath, 3 or 4 times a day. I would be cold if I didn't drift back and yet every time I do I become colder. Empathy and Sympathy are a couple of emotions I don't do well anymore. So as those around me are saying, "Get on with it." I find myself saying, "Really, get over it." People will tell me they are just young and I think I was 18 when I lost Rhiannon. After 3 months I had people telling me, get on with it. What is 'it'? How do I get on with it? I am on medicine that helps me deal but it also keeps many emotions and feelings out. Numb is my heart. Numb from what I have done, what I have seen, what I have lived, what I believed and now don't. Life is a lie. Seldom is the truth told. Instead we hear worn out cliches: that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger, home can be a heaven on earth, this is a test, God loves you or he wouldn't have gave you this trial, on and on. I do my best to raise my kids. I tell them I love them everyday. I do love them. I love them more than life itself. If I could have I would have gave my life so they could live. So much promise in both of them. I am such a tired 44 year old. My chest hurts from trying to breath. My eyes are blurred from tears. I shake as if I am frightened all day long and at night tremors awake me. How does one forgive herself?

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Wounds

I still cry daily. It seems when the house is quiet, or I am alone, or perhaps a song comes through on the radio, or also the shower. The shower seems to be the most likely place I feel comfortable in letting my sorrows out. It is quiet and warm, The steam fills the air letting you believe you are in another space, maybe time. The air is thick, I play Pandora softly for the silence would be too much. When I emerge I am exhausted after the trip to the past, reliving the good and the awful memories. I used to shower daily but I have found it uses up too much of what is left of my energy and I know what is to come as I step into the abyss. I am sometimes scared that I won't come out the same. I have changed so much over the last 5 years that I really don't remember what I was like before 2008. What is the same? I did put my energies into what now seems silly. I fought battles that were completely unnecessary. I walk away now. It's probably for the best but I also long for the woman I was, the mom, the wife, the fighter. That ship has sailed and took my courage with it. For how can one who is responsible for the death of her son, the destruction of her family, their faith, their happiness ever feel comfortable in her skin again. This spirit will never fill this vessel completely . Politics, religion, poetry, literature have no meaning, no admiration in my heart. I live for a simple smile, a 'I love you', a text, a call from my children, a  'mom you're crazy'. I wear it like a badge. All of these keep me going for another day. Everyday I am grateful for Lea for she yells" I'm here" when she hears me singing "You are my Sunshine". That song chokes me each time it comes to mind. I used to sing it to Loughlin as a baby, a toddler, because I had lost Rhiannon. Please don't take my Sunshine away, but he was taken and now I am expected to go on, pretend like everything is happy in this home, that we are strong, that we are resilient, that we can go on as if they were never here. No one mentions their names. They are but a mere memory in those around us's minds. They look upon us with pity, not with sympathy, or empathy for they have never felt this loss. In fact they go as far as to tell us they believe they could handle this tragedy in a manner so much more eloquently than we have. Asked if we have Pride in our ward in Sunday School last week, I let out a chuckle. No one else thought it funny...................

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Finding Joy


 
 My life, pre Loughlin's death, was fun, easy going. I enjoyed so many things: cooking, shopping, going out, watching movies, my kids' concerts, my kids games, get together's, fishing, boating and especially just being with my family, especially at the coast. My life now is so different.

Cooking is a chore and I have a hard time coming up with new and yummy things to make for my family. I bought Harlen a Traeger grill for Christmas, that seems to at least me helping with the dull drum. I do most of my shopping from the warmth of my living room. Amazon is my best friend. If I could buy milk online I would. I feel fairly agoraphobic when I am out.

I still watch movies but just to take up time. It has to be an incredible masterpiece to float my boat. My kids concerts are almost unbearable. All those people crammed into a gym or auditorium is mind numbing. I know you would think I would want to take it all in but I don't.

 My kids games make me anxious and I am so competitive  that it has taken the fun out of it. I don't remember the last time we went fishing. Maybe once or twice since we lost Loughlin but to many memories are attached and the water everywhere and how many people drown in lakes every year, I am so out of shape I would be helpless to save them.
                         

 I think I miss being on vacation most. But the last few really were more work than reward.  So how do I find joy again when everything seems so hard. I know most of you are thinking I am just depressed but it is so more. I am on my meds. Nothing has changed except for going through the court ordeal and watching Cyrus live all of the hell again. My life is busy right now with our annual bull sale coming up. My brother gets out of jail tomorrow for his 3rd DUI. My dad just had knee replacement. My mom goes in for back surgery on Thursday.



They call me wishing I could be there to help but I can't with all of my commitments here. The unhealthy guilt overwhelms me.

So I would like some suggestions on how I can find some happiness again. I am tired of feeling worthless, or that the ones around me would be better without me. I am tired of being sad and guilty of killing my two babies. How does one live with that in their head constantly.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Powerful Thoughts

It seems the court case, the coldness of a loved one and an overload of things that need to be done is starting to take a toll on my conscience. I try to keep the darkness out but inch by inch it is taken hold of my mind. In passing I use to think of what life would be like without me in it for my family and friends but these thoughts were fleeting. It seems now I have a much harder time getting them out of my mind. I look at my girls and know they need me, that they would be lost without me. I am their world. They are keeping me here.  There are others that would be better without me here, maybe not True and Giles and certainly not Cyrus but maybe they would. I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I can't breath anymore. I need to sleep for hours, days ,years........I want to feel normal again. Is it possible?

Monday, January 6, 2014

Birthdays

"Man I am having a hard time remembering it's 2014", the lady in front of me said. "2014", that means I am 44 not 43 which I was having a hard time dealing with in the last week. 44 ugh. Part of me wants to go back to earlier, happier times. The other part of me wants to be 90 and the end is in sight. I have had a rough month, but the case settled and at least I am not in court for this wonderful celebratory day. (haha) We are 1/4 of the way through this legal battle. I don't know if I can make it much longer. I am a wreck. I shake like I have Parkinson's. I no longer can drive without images of the past crossing my mind constantly. I am miserable. The kids are back in school today. Harlen is testing bulls and took Cyrus to help. I am alone. It is so quiet here at home. I want to scream, to cry, to pray but I cannot muster up enough energy to do any of the three. I want to lay down and sleep, dream of better days but the nightmares are horrendous again. Once again I will wear the face that I keep in the jar by the door and act like I am fine, that I will have a awesome birthday and that once again our family is doing well.