Wallflower

This blog started out as a outlet for me and for me to try to help people out there in the vastness to understand how hard losing a child is. I don't think I have accomplished either one.
I am still grieving, traumatized, angry, sad, and completely heartbroken. My life is still in complete disarray. I am at odds with my God, my church and for the most part my husband. I have pretty much f#$%$@ up everything that I could have since that day. We are still fighting the insurance company that I do believe gets a kick out of dragging these settlements out until any family can take no more. I have lived through 2 more sons passing that 2 months after becoming a freshman stage, and now Maya is there. I am a wreck. It seems stupid but I live those 2 months over and over in my head. Oh Loughlin your potential was great and I cut it down in the prime of your life. I can hear your voice in my mind. I struggle to keep your smiling face a part of my life. Watching my living children go through any crisis is almost more than I can take. I cry myself to sleep. I never thought life would be easy but I did believe at some point there would be peace.
As for the people in my life....they still believe they can pray away this anguish. Platitudes are used constantly to somehow make me feel better. Stories from the Bible such as my favorite Job, are used to let me know there are people who have it worse. I am told to smile, keep my head up, take care of the kids I still have and just have Faith, trust in the Lord. I smile when there is something to smile about. I keep my head up to walk or drive for I know the consequences when I don't. I do my best at taking care of my kids and I feel guilty that I don't do it better. And I use to trust the Lord, see where that got me.......Twice Bitten and now I am very shy. (Oh but he gave you the very air you breath.........Well he can take it away. My life insurance is worth more than me.)
As for my blog title. I have always been a Wallflower. I have rarely fit in to social situations. I rarely cared if I did. I would have died before I kissed someone's arse. I raised my kids to be the same. Most of my kids are so much more social than me. They have fun and get along with others. But they do not kiss arse. In my day people were mostly judged by their performance. There wasn't a need for the brown nosing. I believe some teachers have changed and now need their egos stroked more than they need to make a difference in a young person's life. It is now about them instead of the kids. It makes me sad. They can tear down in a day what others have built for years. I can't wait for them to be in college where they will be graded for their academics not for their cute butt and smile.