Close Calls, Uncontrollable Bawls and Accidental Falls

My kids have always helped on the farm. Loughlin helped quite a bit with the tractor work. Cyrus helped with the cattle and True did a little of both.  Giles started driving tractor last year a little bit. He raked or ran the disc. This year he started doing more. Last week he started packing the pit. I hate that job. It feels very unstable all of the time. Anyway to make a long story long, last Monday he flipped the tractor.He flipped it completely over. He was upside down. It has taken me a week to write about it because I can still barely process the emotions that go with what almost happened. Some close calls are easy to get past but this one is lasting.
So I have cried and cried. I have tried to get past the thought of losing another child. I have been angry at Harlen for putting him on that tractor. I have been angry, angry, angry. I have not wanted to let them out of my sight. I am tired of this anxiety that follows me. I am tired of horrible things that keep happening to this family. It is the trial that never ends. I have messed up and I have cried and bawled and screamed at the top of my voice. Will life ever be good again? I think not.
As for the accidental falls....I could complain that I slipped on a plastic hanger, fell on my ass and put my back out but that is a small fall. I could talk about my fall from grace, from God, from my faith. I do not believe in anything anymore. I hear people talk and I think, do they really believe this. I could talk about so many falls...And aren't most falls accidental, falling prey, falling in love, falling off the house, falling for a prank, falling, falling, falling. Can you see me falling? Throw me a rope, I will use it for my noose.