A Winter Morning

Sleep eludes me. I am always aware. I hear everything. I never stop my thoughts. Time to get up, Harlen has left with Giles earlier for a bull haul. The other 4 need to get up get moving, but the bed, so warm, so safe, so quiet. Alone, alone in my thoughts until the 'Why' hits again, or how my life eroded to this?
Now the bed is not as inviting, the quiet is suffocating. Up and ready as we head down that road, not once but twice because True forgot something too important to leave behind. It is like an invisible barrier, a reminder of what I have done, what I have done to them, how I have changed their life. I can never change it back. It will never be the same.
Wait who is in front of us? The air is pressed from my lungs, the jealousy, the remorse, the longing. That is right, he would be driving now. He would be taking the kids to school. I would be home in my soft bed. It is his best friend and look there passes another one, all driving, all dating, all having their hearts touched or broke for the first time, but not him. He will never have any of those things. He is gone and we are just left with pictures and worn out shoes, under our laundry sinks, that we still can't put away, but he is not coming home, not today, not ever. Why am I here again. Once was enough, twice is not working. I am not enduring. I am crumbling. I am slowly dying. The pain is excruciating. Can a heart really survive this?

And yet as you pass me, there is a smile, a post about an 'A' on an essay. All of these things are empty, they mean nothing. Lea she hugs me, trying to say mom I am here, I love you. Somehow we will make it, but will we? The walls are so thick, so tall, will they ever come down? Leave me alone, but don't leave me. Call, I won't answer but I know you tried. I want to run but there is no place that will take me, so I just stay and watch as if I am a spectator, seeing, touching, hearing, tasting but it is just there, nothing impresses but I am a good pretender, actress. If you don't look to close, you will never know the difference.........

Thanksgiving

Another holiday has come and gone. We went to friends this year. I believe it is the first time in my life I did not spend Thanksgiving with family. It was a good change for our family and we are grateful for the friends who asked us to spend Thanksgiving with their family.

After a nice dinner we did the Harmer tradition of a movie while you are so full you cannot move. We went and watched Blind Side. Fairly good movie in fact I can see myself calling the coach on the phone during the game asking why he isn't running up True's hole.... But on the darker side Sandra Bullock said something that bothered me at the end of the show. She said she needed to thank God that her son was not killed in all the times he could have been. I turned to my loving but slowly tiring of me husband and asked, "whom do I thank?" Thought I would throw the question out to all those reading. I don't want to hear about all the blessings I have left but I want to know who all these mothers who have lost children and in my case two, thank for this hell on Earth..........

Deals with God

Does anyone believe that you can make deals with God? For example, If I quit being the terrible, misbehaving young woman and turn my life around and follow you, will you in turn never make me go through the pain of losing a child again.

Tonight at True's priesthood preview, yes I attended, a story was given of a mom who kept making promises to God if God would keep his side of the bargain in return she would get this or that and he would get baptisms and missions and such. Do you believe there are times, God is in the, "Let's Make a Deal" kind of mood. And how do you know if he really wants to make that deal, and you're not just left holding your end of the bargain in your hands, life in shambles, wondering where you went wrong? I am being a little sarcastic here but just wondering and putting out feelers, looking for maybe people I can cling to that might have a greater Karma than me.

Past the year

October 27th was the anniversary of Loughlin's death. We ran away to Florida for the week with the kids and kept every one's mind away from it except mine because all I could think is that I promised to take him there when he turned 16. Every place we went just reminded me that he would have loved it there or if only there were an even number no one would have to go alone. It was so hard! I put on my happiest face though for my family, for my kids.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock and do that day all over. I would look and see that truck. I have gave up on church for the time being. I don't believe and it is hard to pretend that I do anymore. Isn't there somewhere I can run that this won't follow me?

Each Day a New Journey

Today I had a few hours of happiness, in face probably close to 4 . It is something that is a long time coming. I have felt moments of joy when I look at my other children or when they do something spectacular but those times are so short and then the sadness returns and I am left with the guilt and loneliness of missing my son and my daughter who in a fair world would be here to share in our triumphs, our happiness, our accomplishments, but this life is not fair. It is to be endured and hopefully in the end there will be something else.

I was so tired tonight I went to bed early, fell to sleep quickly only to be awaken with the cries of Lea at midnight. I think I am up now for the duration. I should read, walk, run but I feel like just being.

Shoes, Memories and Changes

First I want to say I am sorry about the funk I was in last week and I created this blog to show my true feelings, not what people think I should be feeling but what I am really feeling. I am no longer afraid of what others may think about my journey, it is my journey. Everyone will travel a different way for a different purpose in different vehicles but I hope we end up some day together. I am leaving this blog open.

Last week at my college someone I am sure with good intentions, thought it was a good idea to place pictures and shoes along the side walk to remember victims killed in drunk driving accidents. The problem is that moms like me that have lost children in horrible, graphic car accidents, look at those shoes as they look at their own son's shoes, that Loughlin should be still in them, doing those things 16 year old boys do but now they are just shoes sitting under my laundry sink in the same place they have sat for almost a year, empty, with no one to fill them. This little incident seemed to be the straw with the camel. I am now barely able to breath, barely able to get myself out of my bed in the mornings, to put that face on that my community has grown accustom to and go about my day as if everything is going well. I really can't remember a time when I have felt so much pain, not even right after losing him. I can see no happiness in the future. We have a huge family trip planned for the week of the accident. I am counting down the days to get away from this place.

The added cruelness of this month is that Cyrus is a Freshman. He is doing and going everywhere Loughlin went the last few weeks of his life, the same FFA trips, football games, same homework. It is a reminder of the things we could have done together, the precious memories I missed or can't recall. It is just agony. Is he feeling it too?

I am really questioning everything in my life right now, especially religion and would just like some space, freedom to find my own way, a way that is going to work for me, a way that will help me cope, and not make me feel unwanted guilt for things I say, or do. I am just working on surviving. That seems so selfish but I feel each day gets worse for me to handle and I only can do my children and me right now. That is it for now.

The sophomore class paying tribute to Loughlin's memory

Friday was a hard day but it was nice to see how many of Loughlin's came to the football game to pay tribute to his memory. I thought being there would be really hard but it was actually the best part of the day. We also took the family to eat at Red Lobster, Loughlin's favorite. When Loughlin was baptized, in his spotlight they asked where their favorite place to eat was, Loughlin said Red Lobster. We had only gone there maybe once or twice in his life so it was quite funny and you could hear a chuckle from the congregation because the other kids who were baptized at the time said places like McDonald's or Burger King. Anyway the day went better than I had expected.

I miss my son with every breath I take. Happy 16th Birthday my fine young man. I love you.........

Happy Birthday Loughlin

I just wanted to take a few minutes to say Happy Birthday Lough! We miss you so very much and think about you every minute of the day.

3 hours...

I saw a new therapist yesterday and what a change. I felt comfortable. She never made me once feel that what I was feeling was out of bounds or wrong. She let me talk and taught me ways to deal with the unbelievable anxiety that I have been dealing with everyday. I had 3 hours this morning that I almost felt normal, even though I still don't remember feeling normal.
Then life happened, phone calls, thinking, dreaming and it was gone but I am hopeful that I can have those feelings more often. I loved smiling again, a real smile. I am going to get through this, might not be the way some want me to get through it but it will be my way because no one has any idea what I am feeling or going through each day.
Loughlin's birthday is Friday. It will be good because that is what I have control over and I can make it good, memorable, peaceful, at least as good as it possibly can be. Tap Tap...........

Does Time Heal?

8 days more...and Loughlin would be 16. the depression has hit so hard for me. I feel a lot like a zombie, going about my day doing the things I have said I would, the things that need to get done but my mind is wandering all of the time.
I have lost the desire to even communicate with the counselor that seemed to be helping but now it is a war between Harlen and I. She takes his side. He asks for so much from me and she asks if I am willing to do it. I never ask for anything, it is not why I am there. If he wants me to work harder on getting the house clean, why not? but then when I get it cleaned because we have friends coming over, he complains I am doing it just because friends are coming over. Yet I didn't get our room finished it is still a mess so will I be willing to work on that........sure why not I feel like leaping tall buildings in a single bound. I am superwoman. I took on a calling in a church I don't believe in because I don't say no. My counselor thinks I am nuts, which I am sure there is truth to that, for being upset because I lost a friend this week when her husband killed her. (Just walk by like nothing happened.) She was a kindergarten teacher in our school, lived near us and we had so many good talks together. I will miss her and I think it should effect the way I feel. I am going running now. I have grown to love it. My knees are bothering me the last few days but today I am running, in the hope that I could really run, run away from all of this, from these feelings, from the darkness, from the guilt, from this life.

September

I don't know how a mom gets through the first birthday without your kids here. It is just September 1st and I cannot breath. I keep thinking in 17 days Loughlin would have been on his first date, had a licence, and a huge party at our house celebrating the big day. Now I sit and wonder what we could do to celebrate his life that wouldn't hurt my heart too much but honor him as a great young man. I miss him. Picture day today, a year ago they took the last picture I have of my young man. I could barely feel out the papers for Cy and True today.

We missed football sign ups I guess(don't really know when they actually were) but now True might not be able to play football in Nyssa this year. I will drive him as far as I have to to get him to play though. It is one of my greatest joys to watch him exceed.

Maya on the other hand was, in a round about way, told she was too out of shape to play on the team she has been playing on for two years. Kind of a blow for a while but truly who likes soccer anyway. We start hip hop dancing with Maya and Lea next week. She will love it so much more but miss her friends.

Cyrus decided against football this year his legs are still bothering him. He has a very full load of classes as a Freshman though and will stay very busy.

Harlen is so busy harvesting and I am left alone most of the time in this lonely house. I miss my little Lea keeping me hopping.

How long must this darkness persist?
I search for my soul, it doesn't exist.
I am exhausted , alone,
No one is at home.
For the first time , I believe I won't make it ,
They think I am strong but I fake it,
That I can handle all that has come to bear.
I look at that road, no I stare.
The image ,it always is there,
Really could this all be fair?
If there's a God I don't feel it.
Support sometimes I just steal it.
From anyone willing to give,
and all this just so I live,
this life that is not my own,
I wish my heart was made out of stone......

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school here in Nyssa. Sometimes survival is all you ask for. We survived. I am home alone now with so much time to think. I am still struggling with God. I am still struggling in this life that is my new existence. I can't say things are better because I don't believe they are. I don't see an end to the darkness. I have a hard time even looking towards the future. Everyday I try my best to raise my remaining kids here on Earth. I try to make their lives as close to what they should be, but it is so difficult. I am so tired.

On the upside the walking has helped me. I am sleeping better at night and I have lost 20#'s. I love to get away and just have the hour by myself. I am hoping things look up soon. Loughlin's birthday is September 18th. He would have been 16, now he never will be, no first drive, first date, no 16. What a rip!

Parents say the darndest things.....

Funny how weeks go by without anyone saying stupid, hurtful comments to you and all in a span of a week, the comments are overflowing. Yesterday my dad, as the whole family sat around the living room, thought he would throw out this, " Your kids are gone before you can blink your eye". It sat there in the air as everyone looked at me for a response. I said I am so glad you reminded me of that dad, you are so helpful. I think I am overly sensitive but also just tired of the BS that those whom are suppose to love you most hurt you most. I have been in Utah for 5 days and want so bad to go, not necessarily home but just to run. I started walking a couple of weeks ago and now I walk an hour morning and night with a little jogging in between. Now my late nights are 2am instead of 4. Maybe when I get to a point where I am full out running I will sleep but I am not holding my breath. I need a real vacation, hotel, room service, massages, not coming out of the room for anything. I am so tired. Missing Loughlin so much. Reunions are so hard and I don't know why I insist on going it would be a lot easier just to stay home.

Implied

Today when I was coming out of the grocery store, Loughlin's old basketball coach was there to greet us. He acted like he had had a few and was very talkative. We spoke with him for quite a while before he implied that I had killed Loughlin...... Funny how people speak without inhibition when they have a few drinks in them. Just got me wondering, who as I go about trying to live this life, look at me and think I killed my son. But who would blame them, I guess I did. I am feeling those destructive feelings again, trying to find my way out but each time I am here it gets harder to want to come back.

Any ideas on how I could get to sleep at night without a prescription? It is starting to take a toll........

Empty

One Empty red and white chair,
Loneliness and Despair
Everything comes in two's
from chairs to shoes
but when we sit together as one
the strings that bind have come undone
one empty chair, one empty seat
now he is gone we're not complete
So sad am I, so lonely, so blue
I want to run somewhere that's new
where no one knows the pain I feel
Where life is different, somewhat surreal.
But shadows follow wherever I go
unless in darkness, a place I know
So I will sit in this red and white chair
in this time of trouble, my burden to bear
until that day when his seat is filled
and our life together, again we'll build.

I am so sad today. I really cannot get myself motivated to do all of the things I need to get done. I just got home from running an errand for Harlen. The hired man was parked at the bottom of the hill in the exact same place that I hit the truck 9 months ago but I saw his pickup. Why didn't I see that truck? Life sucks without Loughlin here. Fair is as horrible as I hoped it wouldn't be. Oh how I wish he was here................

Monday the 27th

I guess I never thought about how many Monday the 27th's there could be in one year. Today is 9 months without my dear sweet boy. This is so hard. Baseball, Fishing and Fair all without him. How will we ever make it through?

Sometimes I don't even have the courage and energy to want to make it. We are not ready for fair. The steers aren't clipped. True's steer is so mean and I can't even get out of the house to go and look for all of the supplies we will need. I wish we would have taken a pass on the steers this year, the fair. I haven't collected funds to buy the steers and the sale might be a complete wreck. Then it will be all for not but that is half my life.........

So Long since Posting

I really haven't a good excuse as to why I haven't posted for such a long time. I think part of me as ignored the blog, ignored the raw feelings that accompany my writings, actually ignored the hurt, the missing, the nausea, the longing all that come from writing on this blog. I have been better about being able to push the scenes of the accident from my mind faster when they intrude, infest at the worst times. And yet I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin continuously, for finding joy in life or getting myself busy so that the grief is not all encompassing.

Last night our ward celebrated the 24th of July, a holiday set aside for the appreciation we have of our ancestors that crossed across the plains and settle in the Salt Lake Valley and establish the church my family belongs to. My new calling keeps me busy during the party but as people left and the building grew empty my thoughts drifted back to better times, times when life was so simple and yet I did not realize how blessed my life was. Harlen had left earlier and as I walked outside to 4 of my children waiting for me, the longing hit me like a wave at Big Surf. I couldn't breath. I still don't understand anything positive that could come from my loss.I still struggle with my testimony everyday. I still find it difficult to pray to my Father in Heaven and now I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin all of the time. But I got to a point that I could not even do the smallest of chores without being distracted. In two weeks my sleep time never surpassed 4 hrs a night and my physical body started to feel the repercussions. I couldn't take care of my family and my relationship with others was suffering.

I have already received blessings from my new calling. I have realized how important the parable of the lost sheep is. I never could understand why we should leave so many to save one. I understand now, the worth of one soul is great...............

Almost Fair Time

I have been putting off doing the 4H records for the steers this year. They are due on Friday and today I finally decided just to try and find them. I didn't remember putting them away last year and actually hoped they were somewhere in the house. I knew while looking for them I would find so many priceless memories of Loughlin and I just didn't know if I was strong enough to handle the mounting emotions connected to those things. I was right. I found pictures, report cards, his certificate when he received the priesthood and so many other memories. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I miss him so very much. I found a school picture that had the patriotic theme with it. It reminded me of the love Loughlin had for this country and how one day he would have liked to serve our country. He was never awarded that chance.
After a short while I found the records, with Loughlin's on top. I always have disliked doing this task, felt it stupid busy work, but oh how this year I wish I could help Loughlin feel out all of his papers, watch him get so nervous breaking his steer, watch him even more nervous showing him but always performing at his best, trying his hardest at something he never did enjoy.
Fair is going to be so hard. I wish on one hand we would have decided not to go. It is a very exhausting and a very long week, add missing my son every single minute and I wonder really how we will get through. Another first, another event that we must endure, another chance to wear that face I hang on the coat rack by my door, another chance to make new memories and another month that old memories fade and smells, sounds and smiles are hard to recall.

Wow, can I really do this?

The Last May Reunion when life was simple!

Today at church I was put in the Relief Society Presidency. I really can't believe it. I have never thought I was up to a calling like that. I had a feeling it was coming but ignored it. The feeling was strong, but I thought, what are you thinking? They would never put you there. I wanted a chance to give service, ready or not here it comes. I am hoping for the prayers of friends and family. I know I will need them to to this job to the best of my ability. I hope for a calm in this existence. My blessing said today that God is pleased with me. How could he be? and yet I hope it is true.

Harlen's reunion was all last week. It was so hard being with family in a familiar place without my sweet son. There were times when I could barely breath and other times I actually found joy watching my other kids make a new reality in their lives. I am not ready for that yet. I am still holding on to the memory of what things could have been. I am hoping the pain eases soon. I am praying to my Father in Heaven again. I always have had that prayer in my heart, hoping, loving but I now pray on my knees every night. I pray that this family of mine will stay strong and healthy and that we will make it back to be with Loughlin again. I hope it is all true. the investment is to big to give up now. 3 days with Harlen's family was exhausting, when I arrived home the Bishopric was there to greet me. Quite a weekend!

Another First Completed

Well tonight we finished the baseball season. All three of my kids had fun and learned so much from some pretty incredible coaches. True, Maya and Giles spent almost every night of June on the baseball field either practicing or playing games. I, myself have to admit I am glad we are done. It was difficult for me especially in the beginning. I missed Loughlin with every game, every pitch, every hit and each sunflower seed spit. He was my baseball player. He loved it. He was so excited for High School baseball this year to start. It would have been so much fun to watch him play again. I miss him but I am trying to find joy through watching these younger ones play. Friends showed tonight to watch Giles play. I love being around people ,who, you really know care.

Mondays are always so difficult for our family. It is the beginning of yet another week. It seems by Wednesday we are half way through and the end of the week is in sight. We can make it then. On Monday the end seems so far away and it is hard to imagine that "Sunday will Come" but it comes just like some day the important "Sunday will come". I am waiting for my Lord to return. I need him.

We tried to go to the movie tonight but by Parma all of the kids were arguing, we turned around to come home. then the crying really set in. I hope it was a cry that was a long time coming. I know sometimes my kids just need a reason to open the spickets and coming home sure gave them a good excuse tonight. The pain is still so raw in each of their eyes. It is so hard to wonder if we are going to be good enough parents to help them reach the right destination in life. It is hard to know whether we are doing them right. I hope we are. Tonight I am going to pray again, really pray on my knees. It will be the first time in months since I have dared to really pray to my Heavenly Father. I am frightened. I have questioned for so long but I miss the comfort it awards me. I miss the spirit. I miss his love. I need to start ridding myself of this anger, this guilt, this overwhelming sorrow. I am hoping just for a little relief, for His love to encircle me.

Disservice

My family tree.

Today I have decided to make a concerted effort to change the direction of these posts. I have read back at some of my writings and been consumed with the feeling that Loughlin's life was such a guidance in so many other people's lives that I am certainly doing a disservice to his memory by feeling down and angry most of the time. He was an incredible young man. He thought of others all of the time. He had a huge heart. He was super smart and was willing to help his dad or me most of the time with little prodding. His death brought our little community together in so many ways. Our loss, I believe, made others reflect on their own lives. It made others hug their children tighter, love them more, take more time to be with them. The service in our little community for our family was abundant. In a lifetime I could never repay the debt. Friends, Family and others who barely knew us , or didn't know us at all, opened their heart, gave freely, used their hands and minds all to benefit us. All in a memoriam of Loughlin's short but thoughtful life. He is looking down on me and my family today, hoping we make it through this, and helping anyway he can to ease our burdens. I just miss him so very much. I know what I need to do and I hope I have the conviction to stay on the right track. I must look outward and stop looking inward and pitying myself. Service is my way out of this slump so that I may Return with the same Honor that Loughlin did. These last 8 months have flown by. It won't be long until I am with Loughlin and Rhiannon again. I am trying to get past the guilt I feel. Guilt is a darkness that is hard to free yourself from. I pray this world keeps spinning quickly and one day I am sure I will catch up.

I love you Loughlin and I hope I can make my life something you will be proud of.

Father's Day belated

I just wanted to write a little about a really great man I met about 21 years a go. Harlen is the best thing that ever happened to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father for almost 18 years. I love him more than life itself. He is an incredible dad. He makes any of the kids' games or practices that he is physically able to do. He has never made himself first. He makes me so very happy. My kids love him.

After Loughlin died we went to get his school stuff out of his locker, his backpack, books, etc... In his backpack we found this handout that he had filled out about his future. There were lots of questions like: what do you want to be, where do you want to go to college, where do yo want to live and so on but the most important question was Who do you look up to or admire. Loughlin answered Abraham Lincoln, Mitt Romney and my dad. What 15 year old boy has that much respect for his father? Loughlin loved Harlen so much. Another question he answered was, what makes you happy? He answered making my parents proud. Well he did that his whole life. I couldn't have asked for a greater son. I miss him so much. This day was so hard. I kept thinking that I took Harlen's best buddy away from him. I know I say this plenty but I am so sorry things turned out the way they did. I would do anything to change this life that we are living now. I would have done anything to have my son join us in this celebration of his dad. I wish I could change things. I hope this pain eases soon. I feel like my heart is broken in half.

Harlen I love you!

Outings: Father and Son Minus One

Today Harlen took the boys up to the church camp for the annual Father Son. He is brave and strong, I know I could never do it. Just thinking about visiting that place with so many memories breaks my heart. Oh how I wish I had the belief and testimony I use to have. How I wish I could wade through this Ocean of Blues. How I wish I could just have one day that the sorrow would ease and joy would fill our house again.

Someone once told me losing Loughlin is like sending a son on a mission. I just want to say I am waiting for that first P-Day letter. It has been almost 8 months and nothing............. If they only knew the pain!

Forgiveness

I have been trying to do some soul searching.......

I am usually a fairly forgiving person. I look back on the times when I have kept a grudge and for the most part it has been when someone has hurt one of my children. When things are said or done that I could see the pain in my child's eye, I have seemed to have held on to that anger for a while. In the end I have gotten over it and forgiven, forgotten. The problem is , this time it is me I have to forgive. It is me that I am so angry with. It is me that caused all of this. It is me that just did not see that truck. It is me.

Aren't we harder always on ourselves? When we hear our own voice on a recording, don't we say, oh my I sound like a dork. When we look in the mirror we are never what we want to be, to thin, to fat, to gray, to flat, to much... When we judge ourselves as mothers don't we say, I wish I had done that differently or said that better or been nicer or taught more or loved more .... Well how does one live with the knowledge that you are responsible for your own son's death, that you, not anyone else, you caused this accident. The look you see in you other children's eyes, the pain, the sorrow, the grief is all because of you. The guilt is overwhelming, the anxiety that you will screw up again encompasses almost all of your thoughts. When I raise my voice or correct bad behavior, I question whether I am right. What if I never see them again, like Loughlin. How can you be a good parent if you are always worried about not living up to what you could have been, when you see all of your shortfalls with the raising of Lough? I look around at my dirty house and weedy yard and know that right now I am failing again. I want to be so much more but I cannot see my way through this fog. It is all I think about, even in happy moments, the memory of the crash comes barreling through reminding me of what I have done.

Tomorrow is another birthday without Loughlin to share it. True turns 11. The world is still moving. I want it to stop, just for a while and let me catch up. It still feels like October. Where did the days go? Where did my life go?How can he be gone?

Taking a time out for a while

I want to be numb. I am tired of it all and wanting to time out. No church, no work, just kids and husband, I am tired of thinking, tired of hurting just all together tired. I don't want any advice, no pep talks, no it is God's plan. Because if it is it sucks! Guilt is overwhelming, so much so the bitterness has made a new way in to my heart. Bitterness is easier than sorrow though and I am all for easy right now..............

Graduations and Graduations

It has been so long since I have posted that I feel a little guilty. I didn't have much to report. Each day seemed to be the same, Sadness, Crying, Heartache. I felt like I was just beginning this new journey all over again without my sweet man with me. I miss Loughlin so much right now that everyday seems like an eternity and each night is a sleepless one. School is out for all of the kids and I am hoping things will slow down and the sorrow will subside. Change is not a grieving parents friend. Change means a new season and for the first time in 15 years you will be spending it without your child in your life, first birthdays, first swims, first fishing trips, etc, etc.... It is so hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It feels like you have a constant lump in your throat, that there is never enough air to breath and that someone is constantly sitting on your chest. It is heavy, hard to walk, hard to talk, and certainly hard to smile. Oh there are small moments in time when grief leaves and you feel semi-normal but those times are fleeting and quick and as of late leave me even more sorrowful than before.

Cyrus graduated from the 8th grade on Thursday. It was great and I, so proud of my son. He is really a great student, as was Loughlin. He was awarded the Presidential Academic Award for keeping his GPA above 3.5 for the three years of middle school, as did Lough last year. He was 1 of only 4 boys in the school to accomplish this. He had to work through a living hell to make it, the accident, losing his brother and best friend, breaking both legs horribly, and missing 2 months of school. I love him so much and wish I could take away the pain I see in his eyes every day away. It was such a bittersweet moment. Loughlin and Cyrus are only one year apart in school, so each time Cyrus does something it seems to let open the flood gates because it seems just a moment in time since we were living this life with Loughlin. Hard does not describe the feelings that are here right now and yet I have to try and work through it and show my gratitude, love and pride for Cyrus.

Lea graduated from preschool this year and now is off to kindergarten. She is my youngest and I will be home by myself in 3 months. She talks of her favorite brother Lough all of the time, every once in a while reminding her mom that I yelled at him at times. It hurts to know I could have been so much better than I was, a better mom and friend to that great young man. I am so sorry. They had a bond that will never be broken. Lea finds special ways of showing her anger with everything that has happened. In the last week she has wrote on one set of my sheets with markers, then the next set of sheets with red lipstick, then cut about 25 holes in my down comforter (you can imagine the feathers everywhere) and last but not least cut a hole in a brand new dress, she did not like and did not want to wear. (We usually keep the scissors far from her but the kids had just brought home their school supplies, she jumped at the opportunity.) She now has a chart and is working off the damage in small increments. She is quite a turkey and when I asked her why she would do something like that, she replied,"I didn't think I would get in that much trouble." She did!

True finally got that hit we had been waiting for in baseball. We missed it becasue we wer at Cy's graduation. 3 activities in one night hard to make them all. He hit it over the Center field man's head, pretty impressive for a boy who just 2 weeks before had been humiliated into hitting off of a tee. Great job True, your strength amazes me!

Maya and Giles are playing ball and loving every minute of it, they are happy school is out and am glad mom finally got them a pool this year. They are out their everyday but Sunday, and on Sunday they still ask, then answer the question themselves, I know it is the Sabbath.

I skipped church yesterday, just needed a break and my back has been giving me problems in the last week. It was wonderful but I do miss the
Sacrament. Harlen is doing well and I am so grateful to have him back. I hope the next 6 months are easier than the last. I hope Loughlin's headstone gets here soon. I hate visiting an empty grave. Oh how I wish I could just hold him one last time. It is so lonely without him.

Hoping for a different life but know I am stuck in mine.

Giles didn't want to go to school today and had an anxiety attack on the way to his class. I should have just kept him but something inside me told me to get him in the door. I worried frantically most of the day, called the school 2 times to check on him but all was well. It was the first grade carnival and he did not want to participate. He doesn't like to be in front of groups of people and Memorial Day was quite trying on his little spirit. He was a trooper and made it through. I will post his video tomorrow, my little Elephant trainer.

Maya stayed with mom and dad all day because she missed passing the state test by one point and was not allowed to go to the YMCA as a reward. Her teacher went though, even though half her class did not pass the test. Why is a failing teacher allowed to go but not her students?(I just like to ask punitive questions) Really it was no big deal and Maya handled it very well, no tears, but the dollar store helped. I never really thought about how it feels to be left home until I had one left out. My eyes are so much wider than they use to be. My kids are so much stronger than me.

True went from playing one inning in left field to playing first base and batting 4th. (Homeruns in practice just not in the game yet!)It is truly amazing what a good coach can do for a boys attitude. Thank you, Kevin, Sam, Adam and Chris for making our summer so much more enjoyable.

I had a better day today. I was asked to feel in teaching relief society today. No matter how hard I tried to pick a topic that steered clear of the trial I am going through, something kept leading me back to all of the conference talks on adversity. I am so grateful for this opportunity. The studying and the lesson lifted me out of the despair I have been feeling, the hopelessness. The sadness is sticking around, the grieving, the mourning but these are feelings that I can deal with, with my faith and with the help and prayers of others. Losing Loughlin is going to be unbearable at times, the sadness is overwhelming but I feel my Savior near. I know that I need him to get through this. I am so grateful for the 15 years I had the privilege to spend with Loughlin and to be uplifted by his spirit. My heart aches because I long to see him again, to have him near us but I know with my Saviors love and the love of others, we will make it through this trial with the grace that Loughlin showed everyday of his life.

I am still so very sad today. Everyday this last week has been long and hard to endure. I miss Loughlin so much, I can't hardly get past the tears and try to live. Every sunny day, every baseball thrown, every fishing trip planned, every time I pick-up the kids from school, every time I see Loughlin's friends walking home, every trip past the skate park, every cheeseburger ordered, I miss my son. Cy turns 14 on Saturday. How will I make it through another birthday without Lough there?
It has been 365 days since another of my angel mom has held her dear sweet Lucy in her arms. She asked today on her blog what is the hardest thing you have ever had to do? I would like to answer that question here. I have had many hard things in my life but I know that leaving Loughlin in that car by himself and leaving in the ambulance was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I can still see him lying there in my mind, over and over again, wishing I could do something to change what I had done, missing him as soon as we drove away, wanting to hold him longer but they would not let me. Why wouldn't they let me? I wish I could have stayed there a little while and just held him. I needed that. After Rhiannon died the hospital let me hold her as long as I wanted, until I felt some peace but I never felt that peace with Lough.

Change teams, change of attitude

Yesterday we made the call to see if True could change baseball teams. The team he was on was dreadful. The week would go something like: Go to practice Monday, True would come away demoralized, unhappy, angry at the world. Tuesday got to the game, play one inning in right field, hit twice. Wednesday, go to practice, come away using expletives, True doesn't usually use, tears, certainly not worth this. Thursday, do the game thing all over again as mom is driving home trying to encourage, all the while wondering why I let him put himself in this position and feeling angry and wishing my brother Kurt was up here to put the fear of God in a complete jerk, who thinks being cruel to young boys is the way you show your power. getting home around 9 each night and trying to keep a quasi routine going for the family, eating out more than we should and having tired children every night.

Finally yesterday Harlen made the call and got True on the other team., what a difference. I saw my angry son smile for the first time in weeks. His coach let him play first base and he did very well. Encouragement was given out in plentiful supply. Instruction not degradation was used as a tool to teach. Parents at the game caring, talking, having fun. What a difference and so much weight lifted from my shoulders. True is so angry all of the time and baseball seemed to be the ignition for his wrath but this morning there is excitement about the upcoming week and we are so relieved.

I know this seems trivial but watching my kids go through any trial right now is hard because of the pain I know that is in their hearts. I just want to let them have a break for a while from the evil and harshness of this world, give them some free time away from the strife(they certainly deserve one). They need a chance to become strong again before someone tries to take them down.

Fighting the bitterness and the sadness

Loughlin's 8th grade graduation

Exactly a year ago. Cyrus' is next week.

These last two days I have been sad, so sad that I cannot make it to town without completely falling apart in the car. I can't make it to a baseball practice with any make-up left on my eyes. I am having a hard time finding any joy in the day, which makes me more down because of all the beautiful blessings I have surrounding me. I miss Loughlin more than words can describe. Maybe it's the spring weather, or the last few days of school that make it worse. Maybe it is watching the graduation of some pretty great kids in our ward and knowing I will never experience that with Lough. then the bitterness sets in. I hate the bitterness. I hate the self pity. I hate blaming myself for where my life is but I also have to take some responsibility in all this, a dead daughter, a dead son and a life I don't even know how to mold to.

I found out this morning that some of Loughlin's friends made T-shirts with his picture on it, and are wearing them at school. They say ,"We will always remember you". So bittersweet. I wish they didn't have to remember him. I wish he was there celebrating the end of school with them, smiling, laughing and being the great kid he was. Oh how I wish I could get on him for the few "B"'s on his report card, instead I am telling my usually great other students that as long as they pass, everything will be OK this year, but will it ever be OK again. I read my scriptures and find no relief. I go to church and learn about the trials of the early saints but do I need to read about their trials when I am living my own and listening to blowhards try to describe what it was like when they have no idea what it is like. (Not nice I know but I am tired of being nice) Cy has been trying so hard to build the relationship he shared with Loughlin, with True now and he wants True to be like Lough but True is still only 10, and True has a hard time filling that role . As well as Cy has a hard time filling the role as oldest brother. Each day seems such a struggle. Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured" I just don't know how to get to there from here. The anxiety, the pain, the sorrow, and now the bitterness is all consuming at times. The cave I have fallen into is deep again. You would think I had learned not to get close to those deep holes but they seem to blindside you, sneak up on you. I hope I find my way out fast. I hate it in the dark. I hate this hopelessness I feel.

Rhiannon's Birthday - Maya's party

One of a few photos I have of my darling baby

Yesterday was a busy an eventful day. I had planned Maya's party on Rhiannon's birthday for many reasons this year, not least of them was the selfish one that it would keep me busy and having a good time instead of having that much hated self-pity party that I have been having often by myself.
Our day started out in the garden planting, late as always for me. Maya had a friend sleep over the night before and she thought it was a great idea to try to ride her bike down our very steep hill. Knowing the outcome because of 4 children before her all crashing, I told her it was not a good idea. she insisted because her all-knowing papa told her she could make it. (*Thanks Dad). As I was finishing up the beet row I hears screams of panic from the bottom of the hill. She had crashed and went chin first into the pavement. Cy and True drove the four wheeler quickly to the bottom to pick her up and bring her up to a mom that was worried but also a little angry she had not heeded my warning. After bandaging up a fairly deep cut on the chin, outside the lip, on the elbow and worrying about a broken jaw, our plans completely changed. We were to go swimming but now Maya had no intention of getting all of her new injuries wet in the chlorinated pool. We opted for Red Robin and the dollar theatre instead. After a great lunch we had an hour to kill so I took the girls to Claire's and watched girls be girls, something I was never good at. They tried on hats and scarves and necklaces all the while I chased Lea around the store threatening to leave her home next time. We went and seen Hotel for Dogs next and got sick on candy and popcorn, all and all for a day that started out really rocky, it was very fun and quite a success. As I took the girls home my mind wandered on what it would have been like if Rhiannon were here today to celebrate Maya's birthday or that night I am sure hers. She would have been 21 this year. It doesn't seem possible that it has been that long since I lost her. I still miss her and the way she looked as those angels kissed her on the cheek and she would smile while she was sleeping. She was such a good baby. I was so blessed to have her in my life for such a short while. I can't wait for the day the Savior comes again and my children will be returned to me in their perfect state. The second coming use to scare me, now I long for it and pray that it will come soon.

Missing

Today is just a missing day. I woke up missing Loughlin almost more than I could bear. I sent the kids to school with Harlen, because the thought of driving the road with the sun up in the sky was more than I could do. I watched True play baseball last night remembering how much I loved to watch Loughlin play that game and how nervous I always was for him. Every moment of this day has been so tender. Oh how I wish he was here. I am tired of putting up the good fight, just tired. I just wish for one more day of seeing his sweet smile. I sometimes wonder what hell is like. I think now it might feel a lot like losing your son at your own hands. It isn't helpful to wonder what life would be like had all of this not happened but I do. I am having a pity party today and all are invited just bring a tub of Mocha almond fudge if you come.

Excuse or Crutch

Pardon me while I vent for just a short while, well maybe a little longer than that, but I need to get this off my heart, mind and chest tonight.

Today I found out that Maya's third grade teacher has been telling people that we, my family, has been using the accident as an excuse for Maya having a hard time in school. A crutch perhaps as to why we are struggling as a family in general? I never really thought of it that way, in fact, I never have even brought it up except for the fact that she missed almost 8 weeks of school recuperating, then her teacher was gone for medical reasons for 6 weeks after that. ( I wonder if she uses that as an excuse for the fact that 9 out of her 21 students didn't pass their state tests this year). I am trying to stay calm but I am completely disgusted with this mindset.

First I think that the accident and Loughlin's death could be considered an excuse, as far as not doing as well as she could have done this year. Second, we are doing the best we can with the cards that have been dealt to us. It has not only been losing Lough but the last 3 months have been so very hard. I feel like I am in survival mode, that some days the best I can do is get up, feed the kids and get them dressed in clean clothes. I do those few things well, beyond that just feels like a bonus each day. Finally, I am just tired of being judged by some who know nothing about what it is like to go through this, I am tired of having to feel like people are watching my every move at the same time having no idea of what is actually going on in our home.

I am just mad and wanting to vent. I am so tired and each new crisis, small as it is, seems like a mountain. any suggestions on what I could say to her?

Exhausted

These last few weeks have left me exhausted. I am tired all day long. I would love a vacation right now. I would love to just get away for a few days. Mother's Day was hard but my family was wonderful. Harlen got me a beautiful Mother's Ring, which seems such a splurge for me, I am usually so frugal. I missed Loughlin all day. On Saturday as I traveled around town trying to find flowers to make Harlen's mom a nice planter, I found myself at Walmart. As I walked by the card aisle, I heard a familiar song, in one of those new cards. It was the song that just the other day I had moved to the top of my play list on my blog, "You'll be in my Heart". I know it might sound crazy but I felt as if it was Loughlin reaching out to me in a subtle way. I use to sing that song to him when he was a little boy and the part that says just look over your shoulder, reminds me of driving in the suburban and looking over my shoulder at Loughlin sitting behind me. I would do this everyday, sometimes in the rear view mirror, so that he would not know I was watching him. I miss him. I hope I can live my life so that I make him proud, just like he made me everyday of his life.

Through the eye of the storm

Today it feels as if the eye of the storm has passed for now, that I am on the outside and the rain seems to cleanse as it also drenches my soul. I seem to feel the spirit with me all of the time and I am trying to keep my hope alive. I see signs all around of Loughlin with me, whether it is the pheasant that walks across the street as I drive by or the hawk that circles my yard or just the feeling as if he is visiting for the day. I miss him so much. He loved the Springtime. He loved the end of the school year and the chance to go on the first fishing trip of the year. My heart seems so full yet so broken. My life seems so hectic yet I feel peace. My family is missing so much yet we are so blessed. My soul feels a longing that never is fulfilled yet I know one day I will be whole again. I am grateful for a Savior that suffered and died that I might live to see my children again, for the knowledge of the plan of salvation and the path to forgiveness that will help us get back to our Father in Heaven.

Trial upon trial

Sometimes it seems as if trials come one after another or even before you have finished one, another is beginning. I am in the midst of yet another adversity in my life. I am thankful for a loving Savior that is holding me up right now. I believe there is no way I would make it through this alone. I am grateful for so many friends that stick around even in the eye of the storm, a storm sometimes aimed at them. Please pray for my family because we could use all the help we can get at this time. I feel the strength from the many prayers that are being sent our way.

Strength in my Lord

Last week I had the privilege of attending Women's Conference at BYU. I am grateful for my extended family that kept at me, so that I would attend. I needed it. I needed it more than I can explain. I needed the strength that I gained from the spirit of so many faithful to the Lord, from so many inspirational talks, from a family that gave me love so unconditionally, for the new friends I met and felt a kinship to immediately. I needed to find my testimony again. I needed to be where I began this journey, where I was when my sweet Rhiannon blessed my life. I needed all of these things for when I returned home my Savior was with me. He was with me as I traveled down the path that seems to be forced my way, more frequently than I thought I had the strength to endure but I do have the strength. I can do anything with my Savior's love. I can endure everything that is handed me if only I will look to my Father to carry me, to hold my hand through the darkest hours, to keep me calm, to bless my children and to show my gratitude for everyone in my life that is here when I need them, even when I seem to call so often for their help, their love, their strength. Today I am exhausted, but I am at peace. I followed the promptings of the Holy Ghost, I listened, for once in a long time I left the channels open so that I could hear, so that I would know how to respond, how to love more than I have ever loved. The healing begins today, the forgiveness, the hope for something better. I am thankful for so many things this morning, for a wonderful family, strong children, the gospel that maintains me, great friends that love us, leaders that are always here when we need them. I pray for people not to judge and to only love and I pray that this road is closed and I will never have to travel it again. Loughlin was with me in this journey, I could hear him whisper to me, suck it up mom, you can do this, you are strong, I am with you always, just look over your shoulder, I will be there.

6 months

Today marks 6 months since the accident and the loss of Loughlin. Ironically it is Monday the 27th. I can't breath. I think I am having an anxiety attack. How could this have happened? Why couldn't I have been more careful, drove safer, opened my eyes. Waking up each morning with the responsibility of the death of your oldest son on your conscience is almost unbearable at times, , the responsibility of Cyrus not ever fitting in to his life, that should be wonderful and carefree but is nothing of the sort. I never thought this day would come so soon. I never thought my life could change so much in just 6 months How sad and lonely I am. How I wish I could do it all over again. I promise God that I would open my eyes, that I would slow down and enjoy my life more, that I would tell Loughlin how much I love him, that I would hold him and tell him how very proud I was of him and what an incredible young man he was. I feel weak today, faint, sick, overburdened. 6 months without his smiling face, without his presence keeping us in line, without him helping out his dad who needs him so much, without making special meals just for him. I miss you so much Loughlin that I cannot breath today. I am so sorry I could not have changed this. Everything would be good if I had just saw that truck. I see you lying there in my mind, not moving and how I just wanted to hold you, one last time. You were so incredible in everything you tried. I love you. I loved every minute with you, even the hard times. I am so sorry I was so hard on you. Heavenly Father cover me today, protect me, help me walk, help me love, help me feel gratefulness for the blessings that are left here on Earth. Bless my family with the courage to withstand, to endure. I pray for the comforter to be with me, I pray that I will feel Loughlin near, I need him.

Maya's 3rd Place in the Science Fair

Maya received a 3rd place in the science fair with a project titled,'Polka Dot Celery". It showed how leaves get the water and nutrients they need from the roots through tubes called xylem. She spent two days memorizing the big words she would have to use like, evaporate and molecule, xylem and phloem. I am so proud of her because she gets really nervous when she has to speak to adults. Cyrus won once in 4th grade with a project on feeding steers. True had a great project on homemade fire extinguishers but didn't place.

I am grateful for a Bishop and friends that try and help out the best they can. I am grateful for a Savior that knows my needs and comforts me when I ask. I missed Loughlin so much yesterday and thought about him constantly. It will be 6 months on Monday, it seems like yesterday and yet seems like forever since I got to hold him in my arms.

Happy Birthday Harlen

The man I love.

Harlen, Loughlin and Cyrus back when life was simple.

4 Generations only one left.

Today was my eternal companions birthday. For the most part it turned out to be a fairly happy day after a rocky beginning. He turned 41 this year. We spent the day with his mom and her husband and Harlen's niece, Amber and Nick her husband. We barbecued and I made fried potatoes with onions, Harlen's favorite, white sour cream cake with vanilla frosting, Tillamook's Marion Berry Pie Ice Cream and smiles on most of the kids for most of the day, all in all it turned out to be a fairly successful day. I am so gun shy that I have a really hard time letting my guard down. I also missed Loughlin so much. I cried myself to sleep last night holding his favorite hoody. Church for me today was really hard. I felt so exhausted, so many feelings in the last week, days when I wondered which way my life was heading, days of family fun with me just missing Loughlin.

Awareness

I have become aware of some in my life that are worried that I profess to much on this blog. To them I say, do not read it. This is an avenue for my raw feelings, ones you will never be able to understand, for you have never walked in my shoes, have never felt this pain, or loneliness or fear and I hope you never do, for it is a dreary world, when sometimes the only relief you feel is getting your words out on the screen. If you were going to judge, you should have never asked to read.

Change

Funny how things can change in your life, overnight, when it is least wanted, when you really don't think you can handle anymore. Change, it is never ending, it sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise and your life looks nothing like it did 6 months ago. How can there be people in your life that seemed to be the closest to you, they leave you and others who only seemed to be on the side line step up and prop you up when you never even thought to ask for their help.

Where is my life going? How do I keep us together? How do I ignore all of the hurt and anger? How when there are only a few times in the week when I think I can make it myself through the grief alone. The anguish is overwhelming. How long can I pretend that nothing is wrong? I need my Savior's love to encircle me today, to help me make the right decisions. I need a fairytale ending to this tragedy, I call my life.

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

Sometimes I feel as if my Savior has abandoned me, as if I am alone in this, and there is no way to make it through. I have felt that way this whole week. I feel as if God has asked me to bear more than I am able, that he is piling on and I am already breathless.

Then blessings come and friends show up at my door with cream puffs my hips do not need, that Harlen seems to be himself again, that friends reach out in ways that are unseen by most but not by me and then I think I am going to make it, that I can do this, that Christ has always been with me, that He is holding me up, that He forgives me for my anger and my self-pity, that He rejoices in the small joys I find in my days, that He, is who sends me blessings through others, that one day He will allow me to hold Loughlin and Rhiannon in my arms again and our family will be together and whole once more.

Sunshine

I need the sun to come out today. The last couple of days have been so hard. Val invited us to Brody's baseball game but I really don't know if I can do it. Loughlin was so looking forward to baseball season this year. It was the only sport he really wanted to play and he loved Brody so much. He was such a great friend to him. I wish I could just watch him play one more time, catch that last ball, smack that last hit. His All-star hat sits on the top of my fridge making my heart ache, longing to cheer him on.
I am taking cupcakes to Giles' classroom today, I am going to put on that happy face, I keep in my jar by the door. His party is tomorrow, and Easter on Sunday. Celebrations of life in the midst of sorrow over a death. Life is so Ironic.

Sadness

This morning taking the kids to school, it felt as if the accident happened yesterday. Driving past the place where it took place, it was almost like I felt Lough in the car with us. I had to look in the rear view mirror to make sure he wasn't. I know it sounds so weird but it was so real. I couldn't hardly stand to look at the high school as I passed it. I wish today that I could have just one hour with him. I miss him so much. He was such a great boy and I never told him nearly enough. Wouldn't it be nice if God granted day passes just to visit loved ones on the other side of the veil? I wish I could change the events that happened that day. I still feel so much guilt and anguish over not seeing that truck. I feel so empty today. I feel so sad, so lonely, so responsible, so weak. God please give me the strength to endure and carry on.
I am hoping for better days ahead.

New Lesson

I thought to myself on Saturday, I might just make it through, I might actually find a way to fight my way through this trial. It was the first day in 5 months I took a deep breath and there was oxygen to spare. Then things took a turn for the worse.

Happy Birthday Giles, Grandma and April

Happy Birthday to my handsome young son Giles. He turned 7 today, he has been with his dad all day delivering bulls to Utah and I miss the little guy so much. I guess next Saturday we are going to celebrate his big day with friends and family. He got the MP3 player he has been asking for before he left. Nana gave him a camera when they went buy her house. I had told him the day before that he could only have one or the other. He chose the MP3 player so when Nana gave him the camera he asked his dad if he had to give it back. He was only suppose to get one. What a great little man I am raising, so loving and caring. I cherish each day I have with you in my life, Giles. I love you with all of my heart.

Today is also my Grandma Harmer's birthday. I lost her 9 years ago and I miss her everyday. She was my strength after Rhiannon died. She never once judged me or made me feel inadequate because of the circumstances of Rhiannon's birth. She just loved; she held nothing. If she were here I know she would just hold me in her arms and tell me it was going to be ok. She knew first hand the pain of losing a child. She lost her Steven as a young toddler in a drowning accident. She dealt with the guilt of not living up to what she thought a mom should be all of her life but she was the best mom and grandma anyone child could ask for. I miss you today, Grandma and love you so very much. I wish for your loving arms to encircle me.

Last but certainly not least, Happy Birthday April. Today you are as old as me. I am so sorry you had to leave this earth so early and leave your family that misses you so very much. I wish I could have been half as virtuous as you were, half as kind, half as loving, half as joyful. I think of you often. I hope you are watching out for Rhiannon and Loughlin up there in the place I know you all are. Give Grandma, Loughlin, and Rhiannon a hug for me, would you? I love you.

April Fool's

How I wish today God would just say those two beloved words, "April Fool's", and give me my life back; my son back at High School driving his mom crazy with all of those things 15 year old boys do, playing baseball last night at the game, driving around with his permit and doing the Geometry that his mom has never liked, that I could have my husband back the way he was before all of this happened, that Cyrus has no concerns except that he didn't finish his homework last night, that True could go a week without being in the principals office(which he had never been in before the accident),that I could actually make it through one day without breaking down into pieces, that I could walk into Maya's room without seeing her make shift shrine to her dead brother and sister, that when we went to Boondocks we had an even amount of kids so Lea didn't have to say, if Loughlin were here he would take me on the cars", that Giles had his biggest fan cheering him on in his soccer game last night, but just like this life those kind of dreams never come true! I am stuck in this nightmare. Yesterday I didn't have such a bad day but that is because I didn't want to face reality and I ignored the fact that my son is gone until I went to pick Cyrus up from school and the High school was playing their baseball game behind the school. I lost my smile, my better outlook and I was left with this reality that I do not like and that I do not really want to live in.

Back to School

Today I head back to school for the Spring quarter. I am nervous and anxious. Class starts at 8am. I better start moving.

Sadness

I wish that my good days out numbered the bad but no matter how I try I cannot keep the happiness with me. I am tired of trying, tired of church and church related activities that make me feel worse than I already do. I am looking for a vacation from anything religious, spiritual or activities meaning to uplift my spirit. they seem to have an opposite effect on my soul. I just miss my son more than I can explain in words. I miss Rhiannon now too. There is an emptiness that engulfs my soul. I am happy around my kids but it wears me out, I have never been much of an actress.

Cute pictures of Lough and Cy and Keenan when they were young.

Thanks Holly!

A Pretty Great Day!

Yesterday Harlen took the day off and all of us went to Boondocks for a day of fun. We began at a very fun restaurant that serves all sorts of wings, then off to laser tag, race tracks, miniature golf and video games. It was a day of small miracles and coincidences, that weren't simply coincidences. The most important thing is that we had a great time! The kids were happy, for the first time in a long time I saw smiles, not make believe but real smiles on their beautiful faces. I am grateful for that.
While miniature golfing I got 5 hole in ones out of the first 6 holes, some of these were one handed because I was carrying Maya's purse wit the other, some were blinded because I wasn't paying attention, the most incredible one was helping Lea. The ball bounced off the rock about 3 ft in the air and then landed in the hole. It was amazing!!
Cyrus was awesome at slick track and True gave Lea a great ride on the Road Track. Maya and Giles enjoyed everything, especially the crazy games they win tickets on. Harlen and I were happy just watching the joy.
Kelly Trout, our auctioneer for our bull sale, was there. Harlen and him had a good chat, then much to our surprise Cyrus' and Maya's nurse from St. Alphonsus came up to talk to us all. She just happens to be Kelly's niece. She was the most incredible nurse. She made those most difficult days bearable. We wanted so bad to get a hold of her but neither could remember her name. We had thought of her often wanting to do something nice for her, in return for her kindness. She just happened to be the niece of another who was a gift in our life. Kelly did such a wonderful job on our sale this year and really helped make another hard day easier.
I thought of Loughlin often yesterday. Boondocks was his favorite place to go. We forgot our camera which is terrible because it was a day worth remembering.
I talked to my bishop a couple of nights ago too. As my posts have told I am in a real difficult time in this grieving process. I have more questions than answers and they seem to weigh heavy on my heart. Bishop didn't offer the answers but he did give me some hints on how to get out of the darkness. Sometimes it is hard to serve others when your own storm is so fierce but that is what I am going to put my heart and soul into, that is when I shine and that is the only way out of this fog. I even prayed today, a real prayer. I am hoping for some better days. I am hoping for my Father's love to be with me.
Eric Clapton sings two beautiful songs that I love, one is Tears in Heaven and the other is 'My Father's Eyes'. He lost a son a couple of years ago and these songs he wrote in his storm. I enjoy listening to them. I love that he found God through his trial. I thought it ironic that he found God and I was losing my faith in God. That thought alone has made me look for my faith again.

Happiness evades me.

Spring Break, a break from school that I usually love, that I look forward to since the end of Christmas break. There is nothing that I use to enjoy more than having all of my kids home with me for a whole week, just us, catching up, having fun, spring projects, readying for the garden but not this year. Each thought comes with so much sorrow, so much regret, so much longing that I can barely handle the pain. I can feel my heart beat outside my chest, I cannot breath without a struggle, I am physically sick. I see the world changing but I hope not my life. I want to stay where I am at. I want to stay in a place where I will not forget, where I will miss him everyday, where I will remember his sweet smile because I know there comes a time when the memories fade along with the pain. I think I would rather keep both than lose him in my mind. I will take the pain for an eternity if that means I can remember his laugh, the way he loved my chocolate chip cookies or begged to go fishing. If I lose him like I did Rhiannon, the memories, I will be lost. He was my first boy, the one I invested my heart and soul into, the one who could do anything he tried with little effort, the one who knew how important some things were in life and how meaningless other things were. He was mature beyond his years and always reached out. He would worry about Harlen and I every time we left home. He would call three or four times while we were on a date just to check in. There are no calls now, no when are you going to be home, no watching the clock to see if we make it before midnight. Everyone is asleep when we get home now. I miss him so much it is hard to live. Is he still watching out for the little ones? Is he still watching out for his mom and dad?

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I just returned from a road trip to California with Harlen to deliver bulls. It was a very tough two days, missing my kids who were home and going to Red Bluff, a place where our family spent so many years together working and having so much fun. I lost my phone on the trip. I must have kicked it out on one of our stops. I could care less about the phone but I do care about what was on it, text messages from Loughlin, that now like him are gone forever. I find it ironic how just a month ago I was elated to have found those messages in a folder they did not belong in on my phone. How grateful I was to have something from Loughlin to me that I could cherish but just like the mug he had given me in the 4th grade, that I broke, his messages are gone because of a careless mistake on my part. I am finding everyday of this mundane life of mine extremely difficult. I am so bitter over losing Lough that I have a difficult time enjoying life's simple pleasures(if there are any). Depression has taken a deep hold on my mind, making me tired, and indifferent to my surroundings. How did it get to be Spring? The last thing I really remember was wondering what the kids were going to be for Halloween..... then Loughlin was lying there, not moving and my family's life is changed forever. At times I don't think I am going to make it through. No one can answer my questions, there answers are in a circular, non-meaningful pattern. It all surrounds faith, of which I have little. I am just breathing today, nothing else, no goals, no laughter, no light.

Homework

I am trying to accomplish 4 weeks of homework in 2 days. I went to bed late last night and I am sure tonight will be even later. Two finals tomorrow and then I am done for 2 weeks. I am very excited and can't wait for a couple of days with girlfriends just to unwind and relax add in one trip to Utah to deliver bulls and maybe life will seem a little better. I plan on painting my living room a very sunny color also. Wish me luck. Today seems better maybe because I am so very busy. Never an hour goes by without missing my young man.

I am for a 6 day week, forget Sunday!

I cried today, not my usual cry for a few minutes and then recover, I cried until my eyes were blurry, my throat ached, my hands trembled. I walked outside to cry out to a Lord that doesn't feel present anymore, asking for some relief from this overwhelming anguish that encompasses my heart. Why? Why? Why? Why? I thought I had given enough. Why take him from me too. Why when you took my first and changed my life forever. Why would you feel a need to take another? Why leave all of the other mothers with their children clinging to them, smiling at them, making them proud. Why make me watch and listen as those young men pass the sacrament, bear their testimonies and talk about how strong they are growing in the gospel? Is it fair? Are my shoulders able to carry this burden? My soul is in agony. It is so easy for some to keep their testimonies strong when nothing ever destabilizes it, touches it, crushes it. But I am clinging on to mine with my fingernails, I am slipping, so many questions and no one to answer them. It is God's way or God's way is not our way or Loughlin was needed in Heaven, or Loughlin is in a better place,or his death brought a community together(my least favorite) all answers that fall flat on an aching heart. There is no shelter from this storm, no cover for my life. It is getting harder not easier. I do not know the way out of this tempest. He is not here to calm it. The gale is getting stronger and I am alone in my pain.

Raising Men

I have a really hard time not being hard on myself after this accident. I blame myself for the actual wreck but I also scrutinize the way I raised Loughlin. I am especially hard on myself because I was so very strict with him, many rules, high expectations.

I thought today though that I never set out to raise 15 year old boys. I wanted to raise men. My intent was to raise my sons to be the fathers, workers and leaders of tomorrow. If I had known I would only have Loughlin for a mere 15 years, I would have parented completely different. the things that were important on the eternal basis would not have changed but the temporal things would not have been important. Grades and work would have taken a back seat to fun and pleasure. We would have went fishing instead of reading Charles Dickens. I would have taught more about hunting and less about algebra.

These last few days have been so long and I am looking for anything to help raise the mood. Giles and Maya started soccer last Friday. I was taken back to the fun times with Loughlin during the Fall when the rest of the kids were participating in sports and me and Lough would talk, go to the store and just hang out. It made me miss him. I looked over at the skate park and remembered Loughlin attempting the jumps.(He was always so careful, he didn't take many chances)It made me ache for his company, for his smile, for his laugh. I am having a hard time looking forward to a life without him in it. This soccer season may be the longest in history, certainly the hardest. This started a series of unfortunate days. I can't sleep, study or smile. I am exhausted that makes me over-emotional and I cry at the landing of the snow geese in my field(Loughlin always wanted to shoot one) or looking out at only 3 steers for the fair instead of 4 or making brownies on Sunday afternoon(a job Lough relished in). I am just tired of being tired.