Fighting the bitterness and the sadness

Loughlin's 8th grade graduation

Exactly a year ago. Cyrus' is next week.

These last two days I have been sad, so sad that I cannot make it to town without completely falling apart in the car. I can't make it to a baseball practice with any make-up left on my eyes. I am having a hard time finding any joy in the day, which makes me more down because of all the beautiful blessings I have surrounding me. I miss Loughlin more than words can describe. Maybe it's the spring weather, or the last few days of school that make it worse. Maybe it is watching the graduation of some pretty great kids in our ward and knowing I will never experience that with Lough. then the bitterness sets in. I hate the bitterness. I hate the self pity. I hate blaming myself for where my life is but I also have to take some responsibility in all this, a dead daughter, a dead son and a life I don't even know how to mold to.

I found out this morning that some of Loughlin's friends made T-shirts with his picture on it, and are wearing them at school. They say ,"We will always remember you". So bittersweet. I wish they didn't have to remember him. I wish he was there celebrating the end of school with them, smiling, laughing and being the great kid he was. Oh how I wish I could get on him for the few "B"'s on his report card, instead I am telling my usually great other students that as long as they pass, everything will be OK this year, but will it ever be OK again. I read my scriptures and find no relief. I go to church and learn about the trials of the early saints but do I need to read about their trials when I am living my own and listening to blowhards try to describe what it was like when they have no idea what it is like. (Not nice I know but I am tired of being nice) Cy has been trying so hard to build the relationship he shared with Loughlin, with True now and he wants True to be like Lough but True is still only 10, and True has a hard time filling that role . As well as Cy has a hard time filling the role as oldest brother. Each day seems such a struggle. Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured" I just don't know how to get to there from here. The anxiety, the pain, the sorrow, and now the bitterness is all consuming at times. The cave I have fallen into is deep again. You would think I had learned not to get close to those deep holes but they seem to blindside you, sneak up on you. I hope I find my way out fast. I hate it in the dark. I hate this hopelessness I feel.