Some weaks (weeks) seem so hard......

It is funny how you can take an ordinary day in my house and by the end of the night it has become less than stellar. My heart is aching so much this week. There seems to be heartache in access for my babies. I know most would be normal for teenagers, maybe. But you should know that after losing two children watching your kids struggle through what should be a happy time in their life is so difficult. Watching them earn scholarships and awards, only to be squashed by some uncaring ass that seems so little to me in his own life. I really don't understand wanting to bring a child down, hurt them. I know it is too much to ask some just to walk in their shoes for a small while, take the time to know them. Mother's day was Sunday and my heart was aching so much, and then I lost it at True's baseball game yesterday. I sometimes pray for a good man to step up and coach these kids, someone who actually cares if they learn and do good, that treat them like real kids and just care.

Tomorrow is Rhiannon's birthday. 25 years ago I gave birth to this beautiful girl. I was alone, a single girl, out of wedlock, ostracized by a very LDS community. I had one wonderful friend who stood by me. I had a teacher who watched out for me and a mom and dad who loved me even though.....rumors swirled how I rolled over and killed this beautiful girl, well I didn't but she died in her sleep anyway. I was willing to give up all of my dreams(for she was my new dream) to take care of this beautiful girl but God ripped her from my arms. He had different plans. It's hard not to wonder what things had been like if she was here with me. It is so hard not to be bitter. REALITY SUCKS. Maybe she is with her brother Loughlin, maybe. It would be nice if it was true. It would allow me to feel some peace. I wish I knew these things like I did before. I miss you baby girl. I wish you were here. I wish you were having my first grand babies. But their are so many wishes I only need a genie in  my life. I love you Rhiannon!

OFFICIAL Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole - "What A Wonderful World" Video

This is the song my card played. Thank you Giles & Loughlin...

Thank you for seeing my pain

I just want to thank you for seeing my pain yesterday but it wasn't because of Loughlin. I actually had a wonderful morning, breakfast with the family all made by them, great presents and cards and especially one that Giles picked out that played Loughlin's favorite song since Mrs. Johnston played it for him in 1st grade, I think he might have had some heavenly help in choosing it. But it wasn't that that tears at my heart these days. It is something that I can do little to change and yet the problem is on my mind constantly. I want to fix it but it really isn't up to me and it seems the ones that could, have no interest in trying to help. I wish just one would look and see but everyone it seems is so caught up in their own little world that that is as far as their vision will reach. I keep praying and hoping because that is all I have.........

"Gentle"

I needed this today, Sometimes the Guilt & Pain is crushing.....

Loughlin had this on his MP3 player when he died. Not really his style. Harlen said he left it for me. I hope so.