Some weaks (weeks) seem so hard......

It is funny how you can take an ordinary day in my house and by the end of the night it has become less than stellar. My heart is aching so much this week. There seems to be heartache in access for my babies. I know most would be normal for teenagers, maybe. But you should know that after losing two children watching your kids struggle through what should be a happy time in their life is so difficult. Watching them earn scholarships and awards, only to be squashed by some uncaring ass that seems so little to me in his own life. I really don't understand wanting to bring a child down, hurt them. I know it is too much to ask some just to walk in their shoes for a small while, take the time to know them. Mother's day was Sunday and my heart was aching so much, and then I lost it at True's baseball game yesterday. I sometimes pray for a good man to step up and coach these kids, someone who actually cares if they learn and do good, that treat them like real kids and just care.

Tomorrow is Rhiannon's birthday. 25 years ago I gave birth to this beautiful girl. I was alone, a single girl, out of wedlock, ostracized by a very LDS community. I had one wonderful friend who stood by me. I had a teacher who watched out for me and a mom and dad who loved me even though.....rumors swirled how I rolled over and killed this beautiful girl, well I didn't but she died in her sleep anyway. I was willing to give up all of my dreams(for she was my new dream) to take care of this beautiful girl but God ripped her from my arms. He had different plans. It's hard not to wonder what things had been like if she was here with me. It is so hard not to be bitter. REALITY SUCKS. Maybe she is with her brother Loughlin, maybe. It would be nice if it was true. It would allow me to feel some peace. I wish I knew these things like I did before. I miss you baby girl. I wish you were here. I wish you were having my first grand babies. But their are so many wishes I only need a genie in  my life. I love you Rhiannon!