Our Life for now

Cyrus came through with flying colors. He is home and doing well. He is in some pain but can walk on his legs. He is beyond tough and brave.

The house is going up fast and I mean fast. The roof might be going on today. WOW. We walk out every night after the workers leave to see what was done and it is so exciting. My front windows in the great room and my room are so cool and the view is something money can't buy.

True started football and has been a big help with the steers this year. Maya is loving YW. Giles wants friends over everyday and Lea is wild as ever. She will be getting baptized in September because of the fact fair and the august baptism bumped up against each other.

Harlen is busy farming and I have held it together for a while now, but who knows I hear there is rain on the horizon today. I just miss my boy everyday and every moment. The guilt is slowing except when surgeries happen because of the accident, or papers come in the mail, or just sometimes when I drive the road I am forced to drive so many times a day.

As we speak

Right now I am sitting at the hospital waiting for Cyrus to finish his surgery. Harlen had a meeting and I am a basketcase. He was suppose to be out 30 minutes a go. I know it is just his legs and it is just hardware but I hate having my kids under someone else's care. I hate questions over an accident I feel so responsible for. I hate more pain handed out to my innocent kids all because of my inadequacies. I hate hospitals and I love my kids more than life itself. All of these things add up to a very high anxiety rate for me. Please send a blessing our way.

No Rest for the Weary

The summer is flying by at the speed of light. We have been so busy there really hasn't been any relaxation. I have been pushing myself to keep going on all the things we need to do but I am beyond overwhelmed. Every night at about 9, I try to hold back the tears. It feels as if a summer storm engulfs my body and I cannot withstand the force. I am exhausted. I need a break from it all, by myself, just for a moment.

But most of all I still just want to know WHY?????

Plates & Screws

Yesterday was Cy's pre-op appointment to get his hardware out of his legs. Over 3 1/2 years with all this metal strengthening his once crushed legs. On Saturday I was up to Harlen's mom's house talking to her and her husband and the accident came up. Fred told me that when they took the blankets back into the ambulance workers, they asked how Cyrus was doing after they amputated his legs. They said he had them both and he was doing pretty good. They were amazed. I never knew that. I never knew really how long Cyrus was trapped in the car with Loughlin just laying there so close. I am sure it felt like an eternity to him. He was awake through it all. He is the strongest young man I know. We had to go through the accident story 3 times yesterday and after all of it, I felt once again like I had been through a 13 round bout . I was sore and tired. I will be glad when this chapter of our lives is finished and we can begin to move forward. It feels sometimes like it will never be finished.

The rest of the time  spent trying to pick out doors and other stuff for the new build on. I feel so unsure of myself. I was really never like this. I don't like it. I want the strong me back. Doors, tubs, windows, siding......should be easy but nothing is easy for my once cognitive brain.

Everyday 'ErDay'

Today I have come to realize that everyday for the rest of my life I will miss Loughlin. He was such an important part of our life, he was integrated in every aspect of our lives that there is no other way but to miss him and long for him. Today we are trimming steers and yesterday we returned home from Harlen's family reunion and just before that we traveled to Utah to take True to the Y's football camp.  I wonder sometimes how I make it through, and other times I don't make it through. I just find a quiet place where no one will judge me and I cry and I cry and I ask the why question and I get angry and I throw things and I ache in every part of my body and I know it isn't right but I just wonder if there is really a God why Loughlin. Look around, he wouldn't have wasted his life he would have cherished every day. But here we are so every mile in the car, and every campout and fishing trip, every trip to the 'Y' and wedding and new baby and the first born son events around me make me nauseated. I feel so cheated. I don't want to feel like this. Rhiannon would be 24 wow. I could be a grandma. Would that soften the blow??? Why wonder though? She is gone too. There is no softening this sadness. Harlen's family play games all of the time until all hours of the night. Loughlin loved it so much. He was always the first and the last man there. Every day makes me miss him more.

I love you Lough. I don't know if you are somewhere right now I hope so. I hope soo much there is something more, more than this life. I know the word fair is so over used but this is so not fair. If this is all there is.........