Day # 8

Countdown to our sale is at 3 days. It is the biggest day of the year for our family, a kind of make it or break it ordeal. Cy and True have been helping their dad wash bulls for the last few days. Which has got me thinking about how much Loughlin didn't like working with the cows. Once when Maya was very small, Loughlin had taken her with him on the 4-wheeler to help his dad get some bulls in. One of the bulls came at him and he told me he felt helpless to protect his little sister. Since that day the cattle made him jumpy. He tried so hard to help out but sometimes it would just get to be too much and he would throw his rope down and stomp back to the house. I remember smiling and knowing he was going to do something so much bigger. He was so smart and had it all together. It is so hard knowing that his life was cut down way to soon.

And on the 7th day......

We should rest, but their is no rest from this agony known as grief. It comes in waves. It comes in typhoons. It comes in so many forms but everyday it comes.

Today was a difficult one. I went to yell down to wake up the boys this morning and I felt my lips form the sound of Lough.....A year and 4 months later and yet the longing for him, to come up the stairs, wanting bacon for breakfast is overwhelming. It seems the heartache is worse than ever before. I miss him so much. I love the man he was becoming. I love the incredible teenager he was and I especially love all of the memories I have of him growing up.

On this day I want to talk about a special bond Loughlin had with another young man in our area. Another friend who has had his share of trials and ups and downs, and now who is also lost, not physically but into some corners of his mind. I am sure his mom misses him just like I miss Loughlin. His name is Brandon and he played an important part in the growth and learning of Loughlin. He taught Loughlin many lessons, patience, unconditional love and courage. Loughlin loved him so much. Tuesday his parents made a hard decision to place him in a new home. The night before he left we went to visit and the few words Brandon spoke to us were asking about Loughlin. What a gift for me and his siblings. Brandon I am sure you miss Lough, as we miss you.

Day #6

Loughlin L-O-V-E-D his mom's chocolate chip cookies. He would always sneak the dough and when I told him no more, I would always sneak some into the fridge for him for later. He would then devour the cookies, sometimes dipped in milk, sometimes running out the door.

I have only made my cookies once since the accident. It is so hard to make them knowing Loughlin won't be here to give me a big thumbs up and a hug. Miss you so much buddy.

Day #5

Loughlin loved scouts, even though his mom didn't. He had some pretty great leaders: Mark, Troy, Brett and especially his DAD! He loved to go almost everywhere and was so excited for the campouts, the food and was great at the air soft gun fights. He only had his Eagle Scout project to finish before he received his Eagle. They awarded us with "The Spirit of the Eagle' after Loughlin died because of his hard work and all that helped him get that far. Thank you to all the great men in his life who made this so much fun for my son.

Day #4

Games......

Loughlin loved to play games, any kind of games. He loved playing board games with his dad and his uncle Dion. It was always an all nighter with his brothers and cousins whenever Dion made the trip from Arizona for the Family Reunion. Loughlin also loved to make up outside games with his siblings, the problem was he was very good at changing his rules to benefit his abilities half way through the game. He was incredibly clever and had a way to make any rule he came up with seem reasonable. I miss his smiling but serious face, sitting at the table, always wanting to stay up just a few minutes longer to play that one more round..

Day #3

Last night Harlen and I went out for a much needed date. While eating dinner I spotted a Ty Monkey on the shelf. I had to bring it home it reminded me of how much Loughlin loved Lea. A special bond was formed between those two on the day she was born. They were so much a like. He always said that the hospital must have switched Lea's brain with a monkeys before we brought her home. He was forever hanging her upside down and she would squeal with delight. Lea always talks about her brother. She misses him so much. He had so much patience with her and that was not like Loughlin to have so much patience.

Day #2

No particular order or importance.

Loughlin loved to hunt pheasants and many times after school and on the weekends he would take off with his dog, Little Anne, and go hunting. He loved to be outside by himself. He loved when he got one but the important thing to him was going. He loved hunting with his dad or cousin Nick, when bull buyers showed up to hunt, he was always willing to show them the hot spots as long as he could tag along. I never cooked one for him. I hate game but I sure wish I would have found a good way to prepare it just for him. Love you my great young man.......

On my knees......

One year and 3 months after and yet today the sadness brought me to my knees. I visited his grave today. The anger and bitterness made me physically sick, so much so I had a hard time making it back to the car. I miss him with every molecule of my being. He was so intertwined in my life that I have a hard time knowing how to move on without him.

In the last month I have made some really bad decisions. Decisions that might change my entire life, my family and my future. I have been plagued by trials that happened after the death of my son that have affected my mind in ways I could not even begin to explain. I am trying to come to terms with my wrong choices and with the consequences of not finding help when I so needed it.

So today I have decided to make my blog into a remembrance of my son's life. For as long as I can, I am going to write each day about something Loughlin loved. I am hoping to make it 365 days with a new memory each day. I would love to share my son with you..........

Loughlin's favorite food was Cattle Drive Chili. He would have ate it everyday if his mom would have let him. He found new ways to enjoy this staple from hot dogs to chili burgers. It was even more appealing to him because he could make it on his own and he did every time I cooked something he wouldn't eat, which was quite often. Loughlin was a very picky eater. The cans sit on my shelf so much longer without him here.....