Trying

 Trying

I feel like dying.

So tired of trying.

Wake-up Blue.

Aching all through

My distorted form.

Wishing I was never born.

I’m weary every moment

Time is my opponent.

Every day is a marathon.

I am far from a paragon

Is there an easier way?

Do I have to stay?

In a place with so much pain.

When there is nothing to gain.

Peace seems out of my reach.

Grief is my personal leach.

Yesterday

 Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of the accident and Loughlin's death. I stayed busy most of the day. I couldn't get enough courage to go to the cemetery. I still feel like I am in denial about Harlen dying. Today has been long and hard. Tomorrow is 2 months. Wow! I miss him so much. Harvest is coming to an end and he would be home more now any other year, but there is no sound of his voice. The fog is thickening and I am having a hard time seeing his messages, hearing his heart. Oh God. The holidays are gong to be hell. I heard a friend worrying about Christmas pictures already. I am worried about cooking food and washing clothes. I am sad.................

Another Day

 I feel like I accomplished something today. I paid all the late bills. I talked to the painters, My boys helped me install a new fridge and I put my beautiful baby grandson to sleep. Julie brought up spaghetti for dinner. It's still nice to have meals brought in once in a while.

Please comment

 I haven't been checking my comments for s long time, but i would love to hear your input.

Signs Signs everywhere there are signs.

 

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had to deal with the life insurance. I had to open up to checking accounts for the money people gave us for Harlen's memorial and the Trust. I was feelin awfully lonely and sad but i got in my car to hear Harlen's terrible favorite song, Boston, "More than a feeling," Which I hate but yesterday I loved every minute. Still licking my wounds I headed to pick up a prescription at the drug/slash alcohol store. I even brought my cash for that Fireball Whiskey. Just as I opened the door the bishop called and wanted to spray my farm for flies.......I didn't buy it. I don't care if other people drink, but I am an alcoholic in the making. Today I went to see Dr. Booth as I was leaving hid office, The Beatles,"Let it Be" was on the radio. Is this reaching out from the heavens or am I just seeing things.

Lonely

 

Lonely but not alone.

Intelligent but not all known

Crazy but not insane

Guilty but who’s to blame?

Sad but still alive,

Shallow dare not to dive.

This life a dream, but a nightmare.

Take another jump don’t be scared.

Hope is a reason to live.

Charity a need to give.

Family is everything that is love.

Looking for guidance from above.

One

 It's funny at the end no one is around.

The house is empty. Nothing makes a sound.

Do you need me I hear from a distance.

No Let me help at their insistence.

One is an irony in itself.

Winning that trophy that is on the shelf.

That is a champion, but I am lost.

Taking pills but at what cost.

cures

                                    

 Do you know heartache triggers actual physical pain? It's a crazy thought that the two things this world cannot cure is cancer and heartache. 

Both of these have affected my life in the last oh 32 years, perhaps before. My grief is causing physical pain, but people judge you like you are giving up of that you should miraculously just wakeup one day and feel the elephant who is resided on your chest for years is gone? It doesn't work that way, just like cancer can't be wished to go away. 

I watched a movie tonight that's whole pretense, is our lives are what we make it. If we want a pony we will get a pony. If we want to be an astronaut boom you are one, of course with a lot of hard work. I started thinking about my life and how when bad things happened, which they did frequently I worked hard to get back in the game, but these trials are getting harder and I am getting exhausted. Any words of wisdom out there in cyberspace?  I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to take a bunch of pills and walk around like a zombie.

The journey

 One month out and I still await Harlen's return at night. Nothing feels right. I am so tired all of the time. My shoulders feel like they are carrying the weight of the world, literally. My memory is shot. My cognitive skills are not so great either. i fell last Saturday and tore the cartilage in my ribs which makes laughing, hard and crying even harder. I knew this was going to be hard, but I underestimated the grief. I miss him so very much. The death certificates came in the mail today, 5 just in case I needed that many. Tomorrow could be a better day. I hope it is