I really haven't a good excuse as to why I haven't posted for such a long time. I think part of me as ignored the blog, ignored the raw feelings that accompany my writings, actually ignored the hurt, the missing, the nausea, the longing all that come from writing on this blog. I have been better about being able to push the scenes of the accident from my mind faster when they intrude, infest at the worst times. And yet I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin continuously, for finding joy in life or getting myself busy so that the grief is not all encompassing.
Last night our ward celebrated the 24th of July, a holiday set aside for the appreciation we have of our ancestors that crossed across the plains and settle in the Salt Lake Valley and establish the church my family belongs to. My new calling keeps me busy during the party but as people left and the building grew empty my thoughts drifted back to better times, times when life was so simple and yet I did not realize how blessed my life was. Harlen had left earlier and as I walked outside to 4 of my children waiting for me, the longing hit me like a wave at Big Surf. I couldn't breath. I still don't understand anything positive that could come from my loss.I still struggle with my testimony everyday. I still find it difficult to pray to my Father in Heaven and now I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin all of the time. But I got to a point that I could not even do the smallest of chores without being distracted. In two weeks my sleep time never surpassed 4 hrs a night and my physical body started to feel the repercussions. I couldn't take care of my family and my relationship with others was suffering.
I have already received blessings from my new calling. I have realized how important the parable of the lost sheep is. I never could understand why we should leave so many to save one. I understand now, the worth of one soul is great...............
3 comments:
Just want you to know that your words and perspective help me so much. I check your blog every once in a while so I am a blog friend I guess! :) I hope you don't mind. You have shown so much strength in this human world because your testimony and knowledge of eternity comes through in all your struggles and ups and downs. I often cry for you and what you have to face. I am sorry.
I have a teenage son that I struggle with and your comments always make me stop and think.
I am also excited for your new calling! I have been in the RS presidency and know that the blessings just keep coming! You have so much wisdom to offer others. Good luck and hang in there.
Had a great time with your cousin Amy a few weeks ago! I'm proud of the progress you are making. I'm sorry it's so hard. Just dive into your new calling and lose yourself in service.
Much love!
The worth of YOUR soul is great. Loughlin would want you to be happy, not sad all the time. Let the blessings come into your life--you deserve a break from the hard, though it continues. You have so much wisdom. They are lucky to have you serving in RS. You will be fabulous!
Post a Comment