I have been putting off doing the 4H records for the steers this year. They are due on Friday and today I finally decided just to try and find them. I didn't remember putting them away last year and actually hoped they were somewhere in the house. I knew while looking for them I would find so many priceless memories of Loughlin and I just didn't know if I was strong enough to handle the mounting emotions connected to those things. I was right. I found pictures, report cards, his certificate when he received the priesthood and so many other memories. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I miss him so very much. I found a school picture that had the patriotic theme with it. It reminded me of the love Loughlin had for this country and how one day he would have liked to serve our country. He was never awarded that chance.
After a short while I found the records, with Loughlin's on top. I always have disliked doing this task, felt it stupid busy work, but oh how this year I wish I could help Loughlin feel out all of his papers, watch him get so nervous breaking his steer, watch him even more nervous showing him but always performing at his best, trying his hardest at something he never did enjoy.
Fair is going to be so hard. I wish on one hand we would have decided not to go. It is a very exhausting and a very long week, add missing my son every single minute and I wonder really how we will get through. Another first, another event that we must endure, another chance to wear that face I hang on the coat rack by my door, another chance to make new memories and another month that old memories fade and smells, sounds and smiles are hard to recall.
1 comment:
I can't even find the right words to express my gratitude to you for sharing your memories of your beautiful son. I also thank you so much for sharing your real, raw, painful emotions, thoughts and feelings. I have read every single word that you've written within about 3 hours and sat here almost the entire time with tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful family you have, each one connected to Loughlin in their own sacred way. I am so happy that all of you were blessed with having him in your lives for the short time that you did and for all that he was able to give you and teach you. What a fine young man he is!
I have a son going into the 9th grade this year and have experienced frustration with many of these things that you now long for and miss. Because of you sharing, I know it was not an accident that I came across your blog, my life will be changed for the better. I will do my best to cherish and appreciate those little things about my son more. He has many things in common with Loughlin...He is my oldest, very responsible, works with his father in the family business, holds our family together and a lot of the little daily things that they do were very similar. Because of you I will make more oppourtunities to love more, focus on the stuff that really matters and let the little stuff go. Thank you for this.
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