Well tonight we finished the baseball season. All three of my kids had fun and learned so much from some pretty incredible coaches. True, Maya and Giles spent almost every night of June on the baseball field either practicing or playing games. I, myself have to admit I am glad we are done. It was difficult for me especially in the beginning. I missed Loughlin with every game, every pitch, every hit and each sunflower seed spit. He was my baseball player. He loved it. He was so excited for High School baseball this year to start. It would have been so much fun to watch him play again. I miss him but I am trying to find joy through watching these younger ones play. Friends showed tonight to watch Giles play. I love being around people ,who, you really know care.
Mondays are always so difficult for our family. It is the beginning of yet another week. It seems by Wednesday we are half way through and the end of the week is in sight. We can make it then. On Monday the end seems so far away and it is hard to imagine that "Sunday will Come" but it comes just like some day the important "Sunday will come". I am waiting for my Lord to return. I need him.
We tried to go to the movie tonight but by Parma all of the kids were arguing, we turned around to come home. then the crying really set in. I hope it was a cry that was a long time coming. I know sometimes my kids just need a reason to open the spickets and coming home sure gave them a good excuse tonight. The pain is still so raw in each of their eyes. It is so hard to wonder if we are going to be good enough parents to help them reach the right destination in life. It is hard to know whether we are doing them right. I hope we are. Tonight I am going to pray again, really pray on my knees. It will be the first time in months since I have dared to really pray to my Heavenly Father. I am frightened. I have questioned for so long but I miss the comfort it awards me. I miss the spirit. I miss his love. I need to start ridding myself of this anger, this guilt, this overwhelming sorrow. I am hoping just for a little relief, for His love to encircle me.
2 comments:
Oh you sweet thing. Heavenly Father is so proud of you, I just know it. I'm sure your sweet Loughlin and Rhiannon are too. Just one moment at a time. You can do this. You are a daughter of a Heavenly King who loves you so much. Stay close to Him and our Savior, they are the only two people who truly understand what you are enduring everyday. You and your family are in my prayers.
You and Harlen are both great parents and it is great that you both realize it is going to take awhile with the kids. But they know are safe w/both of you to know a meltdown is ok. I hope you feel the peace and love of our Lord as you are reaching out to him. Always in my prayers.
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