Graduations and Graduations

It has been so long since I have posted that I feel a little guilty. I didn't have much to report. Each day seemed to be the same, Sadness, Crying, Heartache. I felt like I was just beginning this new journey all over again without my sweet man with me. I miss Loughlin so much right now that everyday seems like an eternity and each night is a sleepless one. School is out for all of the kids and I am hoping things will slow down and the sorrow will subside. Change is not a grieving parents friend. Change means a new season and for the first time in 15 years you will be spending it without your child in your life, first birthdays, first swims, first fishing trips, etc, etc.... It is so hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It feels like you have a constant lump in your throat, that there is never enough air to breath and that someone is constantly sitting on your chest. It is heavy, hard to walk, hard to talk, and certainly hard to smile. Oh there are small moments in time when grief leaves and you feel semi-normal but those times are fleeting and quick and as of late leave me even more sorrowful than before.

Cyrus graduated from the 8th grade on Thursday. It was great and I, so proud of my son. He is really a great student, as was Loughlin. He was awarded the Presidential Academic Award for keeping his GPA above 3.5 for the three years of middle school, as did Lough last year. He was 1 of only 4 boys in the school to accomplish this. He had to work through a living hell to make it, the accident, losing his brother and best friend, breaking both legs horribly, and missing 2 months of school. I love him so much and wish I could take away the pain I see in his eyes every day away. It was such a bittersweet moment. Loughlin and Cyrus are only one year apart in school, so each time Cyrus does something it seems to let open the flood gates because it seems just a moment in time since we were living this life with Loughlin. Hard does not describe the feelings that are here right now and yet I have to try and work through it and show my gratitude, love and pride for Cyrus.

Lea graduated from preschool this year and now is off to kindergarten. She is my youngest and I will be home by myself in 3 months. She talks of her favorite brother Lough all of the time, every once in a while reminding her mom that I yelled at him at times. It hurts to know I could have been so much better than I was, a better mom and friend to that great young man. I am so sorry. They had a bond that will never be broken. Lea finds special ways of showing her anger with everything that has happened. In the last week she has wrote on one set of my sheets with markers, then the next set of sheets with red lipstick, then cut about 25 holes in my down comforter (you can imagine the feathers everywhere) and last but not least cut a hole in a brand new dress, she did not like and did not want to wear. (We usually keep the scissors far from her but the kids had just brought home their school supplies, she jumped at the opportunity.) She now has a chart and is working off the damage in small increments. She is quite a turkey and when I asked her why she would do something like that, she replied,"I didn't think I would get in that much trouble." She did!

True finally got that hit we had been waiting for in baseball. We missed it becasue we wer at Cy's graduation. 3 activities in one night hard to make them all. He hit it over the Center field man's head, pretty impressive for a boy who just 2 weeks before had been humiliated into hitting off of a tee. Great job True, your strength amazes me!

Maya and Giles are playing ball and loving every minute of it, they are happy school is out and am glad mom finally got them a pool this year. They are out their everyday but Sunday, and on Sunday they still ask, then answer the question themselves, I know it is the Sabbath.

I skipped church yesterday, just needed a break and my back has been giving me problems in the last week. It was wonderful but I do miss the
Sacrament. Harlen is doing well and I am so grateful to have him back. I hope the next 6 months are easier than the last. I hope Loughlin's headstone gets here soon. I hate visiting an empty grave. Oh how I wish I could just hold him one last time. It is so lonely without him.