I believe this is the first Monday, October 27th since Loughlin passed. Last night I struggled with the unremarkable day the Sunday before had been. I don't remember exactly what we were doing that day. Sunday was always the day we spent doing nothing. Well we went to church and we came home to probably roast beef, potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole. We probably gorged ourselves then sat down to football, video games or a movie together. We could have broke out a board game, but we were together. We were always together. But in 12 hrs Loughlin was gone. I woke up early this morning wondering what I could have done to change the future that was to come that morning 6 years ago. I felt nauseated. I know this is just a day, a date, a month. But this day will forever haunt my mind. I miss Loughlin so much. Friday night was our rival football game. So many of Loughlin's old friends were there. some times I love seeing them and yet sometimes the hurt is to raw. True's team lost and I don't know I was just sad. I am sad everytime I realize I am not able to control my kids lives, Protect them from sadness, from being hurt. I was like this before losing Loughlin but now times it by 10.
So this Monday is different. In 2008 we had already set our clocks back. The sun was rising in the East as I drove down the hill. This morning it was still dark. It is so warm this year, that year it was a fall cool. But the biggest difference is Loughlin is gone, and our family will never be the same.
I am getting stronger, maybe less bitter but I am still so sad.
2 comments:
I think I have commented on your blog once before. I came across it from a link of a sister in our ward. (Dedre Hartley). I think of you often and the pain you are going through and seem not to be able to come to peace. I was watching a show today that had The Long Island Medium, Teresa Caputo on it. She said some things that made me think of you and felt compelled to share with you I hopes that there is something out there that help in a small way.
Something happened that wouldn't allow me to continue when I made a mistake. Anyway,she asked a mother who lost her son if she questions whether her son is at peace. The mother responded that she feels guilty. This is what Teresa responded, "If we are so stuck on beating ourselves with burdens and guilts and would ofs , should ofs, could ofs,and what ifs - how are we able to heal? What do we do with that because we are too busy being negative, we can't allow our souls to heal. It is so much easier beating ourselves up with guilts than it is to heal." I just wanted to share that. I don't know you but feel your grief and pain through your post. I understand your anger also. My purpose on sharing this is to hope you can find something to begin the healing and enjoy your family and life. Love to you.
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