Hello from the Inside

I am writing from the self made bunker of the Huntsman Center in SLC, Utah. Harlen's last biopsy came back dirty with leukemia so we are once again trying a new chemotherapy for 3 weeks and because of the Corona Virus I had to make the decision to stay here or leave. Well they told me I had to leave but I prayed that they would make an exception for us because I had barely left his side in 5 weeks. The word came from the top that I was one of 3 that could stay. I was relieved, but knew it was going to be hard to stay away from my kids and grand baby for another 8 weeks. It wasn't a question though to leave Harlen by himself. We are in this together. So my agoraphobia had finely paid dividends. I didn't want to leave Harlen so I didn't and because I had stayed with him for 2 weeks straight; They let me stay.  Today is day #3 of 21. I took a nap and the day was somewhat shorter. I was shaken from my sleep by another nightmare of loved ones dying and me breaking down. But I snapped out of it quickly without any meds to help me. I am getting stronger. I miss my kids fiercely. I always put my priorities on a scale. Harlen tops that scale right now, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell to be away from my kids, especially with the uncertainty in this world. I pray frequently for all my loved ones, and I hope we can overcome the boredom of living in a hospital room knowing the boogeyman lurks outside and inside our minds and this world.

Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

His Fight My Light

This is not a fight we chose, but it is a fight we are in. Harlen's labs were bad on Friday again. We spent Saturday getting two transfusions at St. Luke's. Today he feels stronger and he is ready to go on. Tomorrow morning we start real chemo. I pray that it will slow down this disease that has invaded his body, but certainly not his soul.

We had a week of spectacular events. We returned to the temple on Thursday for the first time in eleven years together. The peace that Elder McCune blessed our family with is holing us up. I feel my Savior again. I am not going to say this is an easy feat, because every moment the darkness wants to creep in, wants to make me feel unworthy, unloved, defeated, but I am trying to stay in the light. I try to remember the words spoken to me; God loves me. He wants the best for me. I am not being punished. Things just happen. So many other important words that hold me up when I want to get down. I have a family that loves me and I need to be strong for Harlen. He needs me. I need to get busy and get this house clean. I need to repaint the bathroom because it has mold and Harlen cannot be around it. In the last 11 years I have not done much, just what was needed. I pray for the strength to get past myself and get it done.

Will he Remember

Will he recall?

Will he recall?

When he was small?

The trips to the coast?

You caught the most?

The many drives to the lake?

Papa’s bear for God’s sake?

Will he remember?

The fun every December?

Waiting up for Santa Clause?

Riding the motorcycle at Papa’s?

Our trips every year to Red Bluff?

Breaking the steers tough?

Will he be reminiscence?

His mind showing puissance?

The simple jokes he told at the table?

When our life was fun and stable?

Our trip to Denver to listen to Dylan?

Will his mind be willin’?

Styx and Def Leopard for the 1^st time?

That Boy Scout Climb?

How much I love him?

All before it seemed so grim?

Just leave my kids alone. Cyrus being persecuted at BSU for his Christian beliefs.

"They want you to sit not stand.
For what you believe in. Clench your hand.
To show your passion. Your face is red.
But it has been that way from birth until your dead.
See no evil. Hear no evil, don't speak it either.
Toe the line, don't use your mind. Be a believer.
There is a war a brewing. 
Stop what you are doing. 
Pay attention to the cause.
The bloodied should make you pause.
A revolution in your own mind. 
Don't leave the One on the cross behind.
He is the only hope. 
Without it is just a rope.
Peace is found in the Creator.
Love in the heart there is nothing greater."
Me

Please pray for Cyrus as he is just 8 days from graduating as an exemplary student. The administration at Boise State is treating Cyrus like a criminal. They said his speech of Christ was threatening. My God where has this world gone? Hell would be the correct answer.

On the upside I have found my faith again. When you have no where else to go God is the answer. I prayed that someone would step up to help Cyrus and the next morning the American Center For Law and Justice agreed to represent Cyrus. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. 

Funeral for my dad's older brother

Traveled to Utah last Thursday and Friday for my uncles funeral. This is the 4 boys as youngsters.  From left Gary, then above Dave;, in front Steven, my grandma's angel she lost at 3., last but certainly not least, my dad. Uncle Gary was a good man. He was very successful.  He tried to help me after losing Rhiannon.  I think he secretly was glad he didn't have a kid like me. He was my dad's best friend.  My dad was 100% blue collar. They still treat him like the black sheep.  He wasn't ever. Money isn't everything but perseverance is. He has struggled with everyone of us wayward children but he never gave up. He is my hero and so much better than he was treated. My grandma's sisters were always right about him.

Homecoming Weekend and Lea's last game of the season

Giles Brenda Maya Steve
Homecoming 2017

Beautiful Night for some really great Kids.

I love them all so much! 

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/1718850148128140/

Lea's last service of the year. Video above

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Skip ahead to Landslide on the Playlist at the top of the page.

"I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too"

Fleetwood Mac Landslide

I was walking in a retail store yesterday looking for a black dress for Lea and Maya for an upcoming occasion. When I passed the children section I became dark. At first I thought I am so glad that I am passed this time in my life, but then I got a bit uglier. I don't even want grandkids. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want the chance of a loss again. It is better not to ever love than to love and lost. 

I am not handling the seasons of my life. I think I have reverted to the anger stage once again in this ongoing grief. Cyrus is getting married in 90 days. WOW! Maybe this "changin' ocean tide" is taking me under. Not that I am not ecstatic for him, I am. I am happy for him. He is happier than I have seen him in 9 years. She does that for him. 

It just sucks Loughlin won't be here to watch his lil brother tie the knot, or better yet tie the knot himself.

Are you sitting on Loughlin's grave?

We finally buried Harlen's mom yesterday. The weather did not permit for the burial earlier. When we arrived at the cemetery I walked towards the grave which was one over from Loughlin's. Harlen's dad was in between. I looked at Loughlin's headstone and the metal pheasant that sat on the edge was on the ground, the tail feathers broke off. I picked it up and fixed it, put it back where it belongs. The chairs were almost touching the headstone. It made me sick. Harlen's siblings went over and sat in the chairs, more sick. Harlen dedicated the grave, even more sick. All I can think is get off my son. Why would they think this is ok?  It isn't . I am angry about it. Get off my son. Even today I am still angry.

I am sure there is so much more to my anger, than the chairs and the broken pheasant. I feel like I have for 25 years, not the most important women in my husbands life. His mom never liked me. She never thought I was good enough for her son, and now as we bury her everyone tramples my son. I hope I am never like her. I hope that I can always remember that my children's happiness is more important than my petty judgement. The anger isn't going away anytime soon.

"Life is a Struggle"

Our 50th Anniversary Sale

Right within the sorrow of losing Harlen's mom we had to pull off the biggest sale of our lives.

To our surprise and delight. We had an incredible sale. WE averaged just short of last years barn burning sale. We accomplished this even though cattle are down in price and the weather has created havoc for our customers everywhere. We feel so blessed. We appreciate every buyer and consider them our friends. 

4 days later we had Deanie's funeral. It was beautiful with so much music that touched your heart and a fun life sketch. 

I am exhausted. I want to sleep for a week, but "aint no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees."

The Cemetery

I really have memory problems, but I can't remember the last time I have been to Loughlin's grave. I used to visit it often. I felt closer to him there. I believe that is because of the quietness that surrounds you there. It is surreal, well until some car or farm truck drives by and ruins the entire moment. They look at you like you are a freak. If you show your emotions, cry the looks make you feel like you are unstable, that you should have been over this. Almost 8 years and you are still crying for a son you killed, yes, yes, yes, I cry almost daily. I cry at my failures. I cry at what my life has become. I look for something to drowned out my agony. Alcohol, drugs, but I have other kids. I have to be strong, so I will just use my prescribed meds to relieve my hurt and anger and frustration at the process. Why the hell do I have do go through this twice?

Are you a mom? Can you feel my pain? Can you feel the loneliness even in a crowded room? Do you feel this anger? Scream with me. Let the world know how fucked up this is.

Loughlin and Rhiannon, I will never look upon your beautiful faces again. I am so tired..........

Happy 23rd Birthday Loughlin. I miss you every moment.

Loughlin through the Years


Here is the video I made for Loughlin's 21st birthday. I never posted it here. I hope you will enjoy all of the pictures.

Red Lobster for the family today because you loved it.

The phone call every mom dreads

An hour ago I just got a frantic call from Maya. She had wrecked the Side by Side next to the canal and had been thrown from it. She was hard to understand and I felt so damn helpless. I couldn't even understand where she was. Harlen, Cyrus and True took off to find her. I just listened on the phone to her sobs.

She is beat up but nothing major. I am so angry, sad, really messed up right now. I could only think the worse and even after she was home in my arms I cannot stop the tears. I am pissed off that I have no control over my life, my kids future, and the what if is killing me. I wouldn't make it without my beautiful girl. She is my sunshine. I love her more than life itself.

True lost his Baseball Coach early yesterday morning. Sadness all around

Nyssa's beloved Baseball Coach Passes away

Article in Argus Observer on Coach Rick Clark

He touched True's life like no other coach before him. WE will miss him more than words can say.

We love you #BigDawg

7 years and 7 favorite things

# 1 Loughlin's very favorite book. Every other one of my children have read it but Lea and I am sure it is just a matter of time until she finds it too.Maya's favorite too. 7 years on the 27th since he has been gone. I thought it would be fun to remember 7
 of his favorite things.

#2 Loughlin's favorite NFL team was the SanDiego Chargers and his favorite player of all time was LaDainian Tomlinson. He wore his jersey all of the time. Days when I miss him most I put it on. I wish I could still smell him but after 7 years it's just memories. ♡

#3 Loughlin had a lot of different favorite foods. He loved Pigs 'n' a blanket for breakfast(Link sausages wrapped in biscuits covered with white sausage gravy). He loved a great Bacon Cheeseburger, but his favorite meal always included Crab & Lobster. He loved to eat at Red Lobster every year for his birthday, and we still try to keep that tradition. When he was baptized they do a spotlight on the kids. He was asked his favorite food....All the other kids said Mac 'n Cheese or PB and J. Loughlin proudly said his was Lobster and Crab. It was pretty funny for an 8 year old who hadn't ate it very often. I miss this smart kid everyday.

#4 Loughlin loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt. The beautiful buck in the picture was his first and only. frown emoticon He loved to pheasant hunt and would even go alone when he couldn't find a partner. He loved to fish. He got that love from his Grandpa and his dad. He didn't only like to catch the fish but he loved to eat them. He would eat a good trout for breakfast when they were camping. True takes after his big brother and his Uncle Stacey. All these men would have had so much fun together. This is one 'favorite' that is so heartbreaking to remember and write about. heart emoticon Loughlin, Grandpa and Stacey are all so missed.

#5 Loughlin loved scouting. He and Cyrus were lucky and got to spend most of their time together because of their ages being so close. This video was of scout camp 2008. They had so much fun there. 

Funny story, one outing the troop went up above Keeney pass for a short hike. They were running back down the mountain and Loughlin gave Cyrus a lil' shove and Cyrus went tumbling. He had cactus quills everywhere. It was all in fun but Lough was scared to come home because he knew how mad I would be that Cyrus got hurt. I was always and overprotective momma bear. I miss you Loughlin and I miss your laugh so much.

#6 Loughlin was an incredible artist. He loved to make anything beautiful. These are 4 pieces we had framed. (The pictures of the art take away from the beauty, they are framed, and hanging down in the boys' room) The first is a Charcoal of an Avalanche. Cyrus loved these pick-ups and Loughlin drew it for him. The other three are scratchboards, T-Rex, Skeleton and the last is a Rino.(my favorite but when we found it it was in bad shape. He was talented in so many ways. My dad was an artist and Loughlin loved the fact that he was like his papa in that aspect.

 

#7 Loughlin loved his family. His two best friends lived right in the same room as him, Cyrus and True. He spent 98% of his time home or on the farm with his family. He was so caring. Even with the little ones he had so much patience. He called Lea his little monkey and she loved to be with him. Loughlin and Cyrus did everything together and True tagged along side. Mayaand Giles were always looking up to their big brother. He was a gentle soul that would have helped anyone in need. Today it has been 7 years since he died. 7 years of missing, 7 years of heartbreak, 7 years of longing., 7 years of remembering, 7 years of tears, 7 years of questions, 7 years of guilt, 7 years of one empty chair at the table, but 7 years of survival.

Oh I miss him

3 blogs in one day but I just want to say I MISS YOU LOUGHLIN

One Person's Miracle is another's miserable truth.

I feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I believe guilt is a tool of religion to keep people in line with how other's believe they should live. Yet I am feeling it because of my own feelings. Are these feelings selfish? I guess other's would be shocked to hear my feelings. They would die to feel my feelings. Feelings are feelings. I don't believe I have much control over my feelings. Sure someone else was in a terrible accident near my home. I drove by it with my girl. The car was mangled. The son was life-flighted to Boise. He is hurt but he is going to make it. Seems fair? Seems right? If you could feel the rock in the pit of my stomach. The nausea rising up in my throat. I should just puke. My legs like jello, wobbly. My head is swimming in a cesspool of mumbled squalor. Nothing is explainable, in fact this life is nonsensical. God am I that bad? God, what God? Rhiannon she didn't make it. Dead. Cold. Gone. That wasn't quite enough though. My son next. That was a car accident too right? But oh that God of yours he must LOVE me so very much. Hate. Dead. Cold. Gone. Should I be angry that Loughlin was taken and not him? No probably not, but I am. I am pissed.I know it sounds like I wish he had died but if you believe that you haven't ever listened. I don't want him dead. I want my kids ALIVE. It's not one or the other? or is it?
 I could use something to numb this existence. My mind grows weary. My heart has lost far too much blood to keep up with the beating. My soul is tattered like that of the beggars shoes. My hands shake for I know not what to do with them. My eyes blurred from the tears. My ears have deafened for I tire of your lies. Let me be. Let me cry. Let me feel sorry for myself. I think I can do that once in a while. I don't deserve but I don't give a shit.

Mumford & Sons

Mumford & Sons Walla Walla Washington August 2015

This last Friday Cyrus , McKayla and I got to travel to Walla Walla Washington to listen to my favorite new group perform in an open field. There were around 25,000 people there. We were packed into this venue like sardines. I don't do crowds well. I don't like strangers touching, talking to me. I was miserable for about an hour waiting for the group to set up but then Mark Munford started playing, then the band followed. I felt chills run down my spine. I was completely mesmerized. I felt like a teenage girl listening to John Lennon for the first time, except I wasn't screaming like a banshee and tearing my hair out. His voice touched my soul. I did tear up. This music, this music that was being played right in front of me had got me through so many dark days, so many sleepless nights, so many "I can't make it another minute without my son"  . I felt silly but I couldn't hold back my emotions. I wanted to really thank him for writing such heartfelt songs. I wanted to thank him for playing a part in getting me through my life. It was the best 3 1/2 hours I have spent in years. WOW I wish everyone could have heard them. I am going to add some of their songs to my playlist on the blog for you to enjoy.

My baby Lea turned 11 this week.

My baby girl turned 11 this week.

Talk about a live wire....
She could wear down the best of them.












She is a great softball pitcher.

She is dramatic in the literal sense. She has a beautiful voice.

She is always happy.

She is fun and funny.


She is brave and friendly to everyone she knows. I love her so very much. She really was my miracle.

She keeps me going when I want to give up, with a "Mom, it will be alright, " or "Mom I love you so much". She really is a keeper.