It will be a St. Luke's Christmas, Anniversary, New Year's, Birthday

It's Christmas Eve and we are in St. Luke's hospital, well Harlen and me. Wednesday we went for his appointment at MSTI and his white cells were through the sky. They admitted us to the hospital and we just thought it would be for a couple of days, but after tests it was revealed Harlen's CMML had turned into AML ( Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This is a fast acting, aggressive cancer. We were informed we would spend the next 5 weeks in the hospital to try chemotherapy to put the cancer into remission. Then and only then would we be able to move to the Huntsman Center for a Stem Cell Transplant. Today is day 4 of the chemo regiment. We have seen Harlen's white cells as high as 169,000, but his results this morning were hopeful. They are down to 22,690. His red cells and platelets will continue to fall also through this process, but they can be replenished with transfusions. We are praying for good numbers throughout this stay and remission.

The kids took the initiative and got at least kid family pictures done. Maya has been a steam roller setting up 2 fundraisers for Harlen. She really is a sweetheart. She was very successful. All the time she was deep in her studies to become a teacher. Cyrus is half way through his Master's program and He and McKayla are only 2 weeks from having our first grand baby. We are excited beyond words. True has stepped up and is taking Harlen's place on the farm. He and Katlyn worked tirelessly through harvest. Giles is still a senior in high school and has the coolest car and cutest girlfriend there. He loves to push my buttons, but we love him just the same. Lea finished a great volleyball season. She was the varsity setter and earned the Bulldog award, Honorable Mention all district,  Scholar athlete, and a 4.0. Wow. We hope they are courageous through this long process and can keep up with their good works. I want to share a few of our pictures.

A Reprieve from the endless negative thoughts

I have a very exciting update. After quitting Lithium I had a very bad 6 weeks. I was down. I was lower than I have ever been in my life. It was the time of year + the Nyssa cop accusing me of killing my son + no medicine = tornado. I was in hell. I thought of every way possible I could end my life, but it never ever rose to the level of killing myself. There is a wide line between not wanting to live and being dead. I never wanted to be dead.

Harlen finally talked me into seeing the doctor again. 2 weeks ago I went to my general. He put me on Depacoat with a tiny dose of zyprexa at night, along still with my prozac and valium when needed. I am a walking medicine cabinet, but the change is unbelievable. I am mostly me again. I am smiling, laughing, enjoying life.

 Homecoming for Giles was last week. I was so down I didn't even go take pictures. That seemed to be the straw.........











 even took the girls to see Donald J. Trump last Saturday. It was so much fun. He came to Elko, NV and I knew that was the closest he would come.

 

  





We also finished the onion harvest. What a relief. The rain was scaring us but we are done and grateful. Harlen even got me out there for 2 days. I am sore and my fingers are killing me from picking clods, but it felt good. But I am too old for that kind of labor. ugh

 

  Lea's last volleyball game was so much fun. They played so well. Way to end a terrific season, my lil Freshman Varsity Setter . You are beyond impressive! We love you ........

Fun times again. Planning a trip to the coast just before Christmas. I cannot wait to get a vacation in this year. Bella Beach, 2 houses, Lots of family, Lots of fun. Nothing like a Winter storm in December watching from a outside hot tub. I am so excited.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

Temple Trip

Fun night at the Temple open house. Harlen and I, Giles and Brenda plus Jenny Brenda's sister.

Then I tripped over the parking curb and cracked a rib. I am getting old.

7 years and 7 favorite things

# 1 Loughlin's very favorite book. Every other one of my children have read it but Lea and I am sure it is just a matter of time until she finds it too.Maya's favorite too. 7 years on the 27th since he has been gone. I thought it would be fun to remember 7
 of his favorite things.

#2 Loughlin's favorite NFL team was the SanDiego Chargers and his favorite player of all time was LaDainian Tomlinson. He wore his jersey all of the time. Days when I miss him most I put it on. I wish I could still smell him but after 7 years it's just memories. ♡

#3 Loughlin had a lot of different favorite foods. He loved Pigs 'n' a blanket for breakfast(Link sausages wrapped in biscuits covered with white sausage gravy). He loved a great Bacon Cheeseburger, but his favorite meal always included Crab & Lobster. He loved to eat at Red Lobster every year for his birthday, and we still try to keep that tradition. When he was baptized they do a spotlight on the kids. He was asked his favorite food....All the other kids said Mac 'n Cheese or PB and J. Loughlin proudly said his was Lobster and Crab. It was pretty funny for an 8 year old who hadn't ate it very often. I miss this smart kid everyday.

#4 Loughlin loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt. The beautiful buck in the picture was his first and only. frown emoticon He loved to pheasant hunt and would even go alone when he couldn't find a partner. He loved to fish. He got that love from his Grandpa and his dad. He didn't only like to catch the fish but he loved to eat them. He would eat a good trout for breakfast when they were camping. True takes after his big brother and his Uncle Stacey. All these men would have had so much fun together. This is one 'favorite' that is so heartbreaking to remember and write about. heart emoticon Loughlin, Grandpa and Stacey are all so missed.

#5 Loughlin loved scouting. He and Cyrus were lucky and got to spend most of their time together because of their ages being so close. This video was of scout camp 2008. They had so much fun there. 

Funny story, one outing the troop went up above Keeney pass for a short hike. They were running back down the mountain and Loughlin gave Cyrus a lil' shove and Cyrus went tumbling. He had cactus quills everywhere. It was all in fun but Lough was scared to come home because he knew how mad I would be that Cyrus got hurt. I was always and overprotective momma bear. I miss you Loughlin and I miss your laugh so much.

#6 Loughlin was an incredible artist. He loved to make anything beautiful. These are 4 pieces we had framed. (The pictures of the art take away from the beauty, they are framed, and hanging down in the boys' room) The first is a Charcoal of an Avalanche. Cyrus loved these pick-ups and Loughlin drew it for him. The other three are scratchboards, T-Rex, Skeleton and the last is a Rino.(my favorite but when we found it it was in bad shape. He was talented in so many ways. My dad was an artist and Loughlin loved the fact that he was like his papa in that aspect.

 

#7 Loughlin loved his family. His two best friends lived right in the same room as him, Cyrus and True. He spent 98% of his time home or on the farm with his family. He was so caring. Even with the little ones he had so much patience. He called Lea his little monkey and she loved to be with him. Loughlin and Cyrus did everything together and True tagged along side. Mayaand Giles were always looking up to their big brother. He was a gentle soul that would have helped anyone in need. Today it has been 7 years since he died. 7 years of missing, 7 years of heartbreak, 7 years of longing., 7 years of remembering, 7 years of tears, 7 years of questions, 7 years of guilt, 7 years of one empty chair at the table, but 7 years of survival.