Am I Ready?

I feel pressured to take giant steps in my renewed belief in God. I like to live life in the slow lane, but I feel a constant question from the other side to rethink what happened last Sunday. Today the bishop asked me if I wanted a temple recommend. What? I have only taken the sacrament twice in 11 years and today is one of them. Why not? I am not doing anything against the standards of the church. I am a cloned Mother Theresa. I jest, but really the standards are not my problem. My problem is with God and the life I have been given. I feel like a cry baby sometimes, but it has been rough and there is not much sunshine for future days. In fact we are in a fight for our lives again. Harlen is looking at a year before he will be back to his norm. The transplant is being set up for about 2 months from now with all of the testing between him and the donor. Then it is 5 weeks in the hospital followed by 100 days living within a 30 minute drive to the hospital. We still have Giles and Lea at home. Our plan is to have Maya move home to take care of them while Harlen is in recovery. Giles is a senior. This is going to be interesting trying to juggle every event. But first things first Harvest is here and how will we do it all? One day at a  time and now I will be doing it in garments. Wow things change fast. I have felt naked lately. I guess it is time.

Rhiannon's birth dad was killed in an airplane crash on Wednesday. Kenneth was just 50 with 4 children and a loving wife that need him. How is this part of a plan?

After my recommend interview I was engulfed in ugliness. I was angry and shaking and scared wondering if I had done the right thing. It passed with Harlen by my side. There is peace in our home again. Peace in my heart. I am hopeful Harlen will make it through this. the odds mean nothing.

The enjoyment of a debilitating panic attack

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, die. but a panic attack feels like you are dying right then.  Your chest hurts. Your neck stiffens. You have shortness of breath and are dizzy. Your lips and fingertips, even your feet are tingling. Wait those are the symptoms of a heart attack. Could I be having a heart attack? I am fat and completely out of shape. Questions like these make you panic more. Should I go to the Dr and get that same pandering pat on the back? Or will that only make you feel worse and kind of like a loser, which will add to the panic because your husband says he doesn't think you're a loser, but your extremities are numb for no fucking reason. YOU are a loser. Are you also crazy? You lost your balance going to pee and hit your head on the bathtub, but you are only dizzy because you are crazy, right? Why are you panicking he may or you may ask? How should I know? It could be the fact that you drove to Portland and back in 2 days for a softball camp that lasted until 6:30 pm, then there was an accident on the freeway and the sirens and lights make you think are we next? You still have a six hour drive. But this is insane? Driving until 2am is also insane, 3 days of complete insanity. A double shot in my arse again, but not for a real ailment like a migraine, but only because you feel like you are dying. You leave the Dr.'s office and you are stoned, and you are tired, but hey you are not in a total panic, but then the drugs wear off and you are once again panicked. How many Valiums can you take and still respond to human contact? If you take too many then you are in a panic you will run out before the end of the month. WTF! Where are the answers to my questions?

One sort of conclusion is don't DRIVE at all, never again.

Mirrors

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrinkles on my face. I thought of the years I have lived, but then I caught a glimpse of the scar below my lower lip, then the one above my right eye. The scars I have from running into the truck 11 years ago. Then as quick as I glanced in the mirror I was back in the suburban and Loughlin was dead on the bench behind me. The air left the van. I was left to my guilt and loneliness. Wrinkles to scars to I killed my son in less than 1 minute. PTSD? probably, but it is my life. This is not the life I chose. This is not a life I would choose even for my worst enemies. My family is everything to me.

Lea had a varsity game that we were on our way to. I was already in a mood. Lea didn't get to play. She was heartbroken. She cried. Lea never cries. She cried all the way home. She cried when we got home. She wrapped up in her comforter on her bed and cried. I went in and laid by her and cried with her. I hope it isn't how this year goes. I hope it gets better. Lea is a fantastic baller. She earned a spot on that team. I lived through 4 years of this with True. I am getting too old for the politics of this shit. I am tired. I love my baby girl. How do I sit back and watch another coach break my baby?

I got my new 10mm out and shot it for a while. I need the practice. True's going to come teach me how to be a better shot. I love that gun. Best Birthday present ever.

You can choose to be happy

As you know reading this blog I have chose not to have religion or god in my life. The pain and guilt attached to the two is more that I can handle. I choose not to believe in a God that closes his eyes and ignores the suffering of his creations on Earth. I am constantly looking for something that will ease this pain and longing of losing two children.

Today is the day Rhiannon died. 29 years ago she left me. She was laying next to me in bed. I woke up to find her cold and blue with blood coming from her nose. The images never leave my mind. So the day after Memorial day I am grieving like it was yesterday, but I have been grieving for what seems an eternity. One of Maya's friends is pregnant. She brings back so many memories for me. She sang in her last choir concert. She graduated. She stands proud. I want to put my arms around her and tell her to take everyday as a gift, to love that little girl, to take picture after picture. Not to be like me and take life for granted, to not take pictures, and to hold her every minute of every day.

The person who should be my biggest supporter has grown tired of my sadness and depression. He yelled at me and told me it has been long enough. He said 9 years is time enough to get over the death of my son. I said that I still haven't done it in 29 years. I cannot choose to be happy. There are days I am happy. I am coaching Lea's softball team again this year. I love it. I am happy some of the time, but some times I am paralyzed with the panic, anxiety and sadness. Some days I have a hard time getting out of bed. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I will never be normal again. Do you think I choose to be debilitated? He has diabetes. I told him he should choose not to have diabetes. I don't see a difference. I do not choose to have PTSD. I do not choose to be paralyzed when sirens go off. I do not choose to have uncontrolled shaking when a cop is behind me. I do not choose to have tremors so bad I can't write the roster for my softball team. I do not choose any of them. I do not chose to be miserable, but some days I am.

I did not choose to be sexually abused.

 I did not choose to lose my virginity to a 30 year old man who raped me when I was passed out drunk at 16.

 I did not choose to lose my baby girl when I was alone at the age of 18 and I did not choose to drive into a parked farm truck killing my handsome son, injuring 3 of my other children. I did not choose it. I am doing the best I can. 

Please don't place more guilt on me. Please don't knock me down further. Don't hold my head deeper under the water. I am losing consciousness. I am drowning. It doesn't matter the amount of time that passes, 9 years, 29 years, 31 years, or 38 years. I am doing the best I can. It may not be what you think is the best I can, but I am trying everyday I get out of bed. Everyday I love my babies. Everyday I do what I can to help them in their lives. If they call I am there for them. I am happy for Cyrus and his upcoming nuptials. I have the invitations done.

So there it is. Whatever you hear in church or on your radio Christian shows it is not true. I am not able to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.  These people , these church leaders and speakers think they know. I hope one day that diseases of the mind will be treated with the same attitude as diseases of the any other part of the body. PTSD cannot be prayed away. It cannot be wished away. There is no magic  cure, no blessing that will miraculously fix it. It is a difficult and excruciating process to be able to function in this world. I take my medicine. I see my counselor. I am trying.

I just wish the world could understand. I wish my loved ones could too. But just like CHOOSING to be happy it isn't that easy. If only I could choose I would.

Another Year Older..........

I turned 47 today. 47. Wow I think the last time I was coherent of a birthday I was 37. Then the world turned upside down and everything changed. I have a great family and great friends that treat me incredible. Harlen got me a Amazon Alexa for my present. I am so excited to try it out but I have too many devises registered to my account and it is taking forever to de-register them. It is going to be my companion when I am home alone. I can ask her anything. I might become wise again. I might play music all day long. I might listen to audio books. The prospects are endless

Christmas was a little strange this year. It was the first time all of the kids weren't home in the morning. Cyrus was at his girlfriends the night before with her family. Christmas Eve is big for them. He slept the night because of bad roads. True is living about a 1/2 mile from our house. We waited until 9 am to open presents, until everyone got home. We had our traditional Pigs 'n a blanket for a late breakfast. Then everyone split, We also have an extra at our house, Cyrus' friend from high school who is trying to get clean. He is a very nice kid and I feel lucky to help him. Cyrus got a PS4 VR. We had a great time playing it as a family. It is so real, I almost peed my pants when some freaky girls jumped out in front of me. I screamed and everyone laughed. I would encourage the purchase of this VR it is 360 degrees.

My surgery went well. I thought I would have a faster recovery than I am having though. I didn't understand my Doc. At my follow up he told me it was a 4-6 week recovery. I still have quite a lot of pain under my left rib. When I sneeze or cough I am in agony. I guess that is normal. I can only sleep on my right side. But gigantic is that I have no Acid Reflux anymore. I can't eat normally yet but it is coming.

On the 27th of December Harlen and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary. Can you believe we have made it this long? We have been to Purgatory and somehow we have made it back. It is still stressful at times and we disagree on so much, but we are willing to do whatever we have to to make this marriage work.

Hunting Season lasts a Lifetime

Loughlin's 1st and only Buck

Loughlin loved to hunt. He hunted in his free time as much as he could. He shot his 1st buck on one of the last day of hunting season. His first hunting season. The mount is beautifully hung going down our stairs. It was an awesome buck. 

True now loves to hunt even more than Loughlin did. He hunts morning and night. He never drew for a tag this year, but did get a bow permit. He shot his first buck with a bow the other night. Now it is Giles turn. It is the first weekend he can go. Harlen, True and Giles headed to Jordan Valley to try to fill Giles' permit. I hope he gets his 1st deer.

On the other hand it is hard for me to put on a smile and say go. It all makes my heart hurt so much. It makes me think of Loughlin and how much he missed, how much joy we missed in him succeeding, how hard it is to be overly excited for the other boys. I also know that their is danger each time they head out with their guns. My grandfather was shot and killed deer hunting in Utah. I have never been a fan and my anxiety is overwhelming when they go. 

Pheasant season opened today, next is duck and goose, then turkey. You see my anguish will go on forever, but hopefully the worry will subside a bit.

The phone call every mom dreads

An hour ago I just got a frantic call from Maya. She had wrecked the Side by Side next to the canal and had been thrown from it. She was hard to understand and I felt so damn helpless. I couldn't even understand where she was. Harlen, Cyrus and True took off to find her. I just listened on the phone to her sobs.

She is beat up but nothing major. I am so angry, sad, really messed up right now. I could only think the worse and even after she was home in my arms I cannot stop the tears. I am pissed off that I have no control over my life, my kids future, and the what if is killing me. I wouldn't make it without my beautiful girl. She is my sunshine. I love her more than life itself.

The worst panic attack in years

I have had an interesting 7 weeks. I have felt sick for a lot of it, weak, lightheaded, nauseated, exhausted. Thy have performed a CVC on my blood 3 times. Nothing really telling but my white count is high. We tried a series of antibiotics but nothing changed in the white count.

My insurance booted Maya & me off for no proof of citizenship in the United States. I know haha but it has taken a while to prove our citizenship, actually we are not fully back on yet, but in the mean time my prescriptions came due. One of my meds is $460 for a refill without insurance. I decided I wasn't going to do it. I would go off cold turkey, just quit. It was horrible. I felt probably like a drug addict coming off heroine. I was shaking so bad I couldn't eat or drink without making a huge mess. It felt like my skin was a useless shell. I wanted to crawl out of it, peel it off. It was a rough 5 days. I made it though. I am back on my old med again. I am glad I went through it. My emotions are back. I have laughed more in the last week than I have in years. I have cried too, but at least I have both. Rhiannon's birthday and the stress of True's graduation and party are putting more weight on my shoulders and now softball has started. I am coaching 19 girls on Lea's team this year. Maya is helping but whew! That is stressful. We are 2-0 to start the season though.

Yesterday Lea hadn't felt good in the morning so I just kept her with me. We did a few errands around town. One of those errands was straightening out the workmen's comp insurance again....... The office is right across the street from the fire department...............
The sirens went off. It was deafening. I was paralyzed. I don't know if I actually took a breath once in the time it took me to get to the door. I wrote 2 checks and told them whatever happens just call me and I headed for the door. The siren seemed to blare for hours, days, decades. I made it to my car. Lea holding my hand the whole way. "It's ok mom',"Everybody is ok, mom" . I wanted to rush to my family. Check everyone. Do I dare drive? OMG when will this noise stop? Fire truck after fire truck rushing by. Is that an ambulance. I am sick. I am physically sick. My head is spinning. 'Just Breathe'. All I am required to do at this moment is breathe. I can do this. I don't have any meds with me. I have to do this. I have to pull it together. Who will get my kids? Who will coach the game? Who? Why does this still haunt me. I am back in the ambulance 7 yrs ago. My son is dead. I am back in my room 28 years ago my baby is dead. Why must their be the sound of the sirens? I am here. Where are my babies? Where is Harlen. What if they are going to them? What if it is them that is hurt, dead?  Breathe, you just have to breathe. My feet are numb. My hands are shaking. My lips are tingling. I have 5 minutes to get it together. 5 minutes to pick up the kids. OMG I am not going to make it. Loughlin is dead. Rhiannon is dead. The sirens, they won't stop. I plug my ears but I can still hear. I can still see them lying there, cold, dead. Breathe. Lea sing to me, just sing me a song, any song. Sing me your new song the one you made up last night. I love it. I love you so much. You are pulling me out. You are alive. Maya & Giles are fine. True & Kevin are with Harlen. Everyone is ok. I am going to make it. I am going to live. The panic is subsiding. The shaking is controllable. I will make it home. I will make it to the game and we will actually win. I conquered it.

Have I told you how much I hate sirens of any kind?

7 years and 7 favorite things

# 1 Loughlin's very favorite book. Every other one of my children have read it but Lea and I am sure it is just a matter of time until she finds it too.Maya's favorite too. 7 years on the 27th since he has been gone. I thought it would be fun to remember 7
 of his favorite things.

#2 Loughlin's favorite NFL team was the SanDiego Chargers and his favorite player of all time was LaDainian Tomlinson. He wore his jersey all of the time. Days when I miss him most I put it on. I wish I could still smell him but after 7 years it's just memories. ♡

#3 Loughlin had a lot of different favorite foods. He loved Pigs 'n' a blanket for breakfast(Link sausages wrapped in biscuits covered with white sausage gravy). He loved a great Bacon Cheeseburger, but his favorite meal always included Crab & Lobster. He loved to eat at Red Lobster every year for his birthday, and we still try to keep that tradition. When he was baptized they do a spotlight on the kids. He was asked his favorite food....All the other kids said Mac 'n Cheese or PB and J. Loughlin proudly said his was Lobster and Crab. It was pretty funny for an 8 year old who hadn't ate it very often. I miss this smart kid everyday.

#4 Loughlin loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt. The beautiful buck in the picture was his first and only. frown emoticon He loved to pheasant hunt and would even go alone when he couldn't find a partner. He loved to fish. He got that love from his Grandpa and his dad. He didn't only like to catch the fish but he loved to eat them. He would eat a good trout for breakfast when they were camping. True takes after his big brother and his Uncle Stacey. All these men would have had so much fun together. This is one 'favorite' that is so heartbreaking to remember and write about. heart emoticon Loughlin, Grandpa and Stacey are all so missed.

#5 Loughlin loved scouting. He and Cyrus were lucky and got to spend most of their time together because of their ages being so close. This video was of scout camp 2008. They had so much fun there. 

Funny story, one outing the troop went up above Keeney pass for a short hike. They were running back down the mountain and Loughlin gave Cyrus a lil' shove and Cyrus went tumbling. He had cactus quills everywhere. It was all in fun but Lough was scared to come home because he knew how mad I would be that Cyrus got hurt. I was always and overprotective momma bear. I miss you Loughlin and I miss your laugh so much.

#6 Loughlin was an incredible artist. He loved to make anything beautiful. These are 4 pieces we had framed. (The pictures of the art take away from the beauty, they are framed, and hanging down in the boys' room) The first is a Charcoal of an Avalanche. Cyrus loved these pick-ups and Loughlin drew it for him. The other three are scratchboards, T-Rex, Skeleton and the last is a Rino.(my favorite but when we found it it was in bad shape. He was talented in so many ways. My dad was an artist and Loughlin loved the fact that he was like his papa in that aspect.

 

#7 Loughlin loved his family. His two best friends lived right in the same room as him, Cyrus and True. He spent 98% of his time home or on the farm with his family. He was so caring. Even with the little ones he had so much patience. He called Lea his little monkey and she loved to be with him. Loughlin and Cyrus did everything together and True tagged along side. Mayaand Giles were always looking up to their big brother. He was a gentle soul that would have helped anyone in need. Today it has been 7 years since he died. 7 years of missing, 7 years of heartbreak, 7 years of longing., 7 years of remembering, 7 years of tears, 7 years of questions, 7 years of guilt, 7 years of one empty chair at the table, but 7 years of survival.

Happy Birthday True, 17

Cyrus holding True at 1 month

True turned 17 on June 10th. He started out in this world 8lbs 10 oz but 3 weeks early. He grew and he grew and he really never stopped growing/ He is now 6ft 3in tall and the shape of a Offensive Lineman. He is so strong. He is incredibly funny and his heart is gigantic. I love him so much and I can't believe I only have one more year to spend with him.

True at 3 months

Family Picture True is 3

Goose Hunting 2014

Baseball 2015

Baseball 2015

Grand Champion Steer 2013

Football 2014 Junior

Timing

Tami at Rhiannon's Grave

Wednesday is a long and strenuous day for me. I have Maya's practice in the morning, then I rush home to change and head to Boise for EMDR therapy, then back home and in to softball uniforms only to travel to Lea's game somewhere. I knew today was going to be hard. I have never really talked to anyone about Rhiannon. I have wrote about it on here, not many details but not really even to Harlen. Today we were going to work on the memories of Rhiannon and her death, also what followed. I was shaking on the drive over. It had been a long time since I had let those raw feelings surface. 5 minutes before I arrived at the Docs I received a text from an old friend. 5 minutes before the anger and hurt would come spilling out of my heart. She had visited Rhiannon's grave. She had made such an effort as to find the caretaker to find her grave. She brought balloons for her. She let me smile before I walked in the door to pour out my soul. Such a small deed from such a big heart.  I am sure today would have been harder without her. Thank you so much

I remembered parts of Rhiannon's death that I had stuffed so far down in my psyche as to never come out. I remembered being asked permission to shut off life support on her after she arrived at the hospital. I was 18, an adult, or a child playing the part of an adult. I had just watched my baby die. They shut off the machines and wanted me to hold her. A child holding a baby, cold, lifeless, making decisions I was never capable of. I have been hard on myself for far too long. I believed that her dying was my punishment for getting pregnant. I didn't come to that belief on my own. I was treated as an outcast. I look back now and Dr. Booth helped me realize I survived at 18 what some would never survive. I woke up to a baby girl, dead, blood, watched my mom try to bring her back, but she was so cold. I lived through a viewing, graveside and guilt. I went on to raise some pretty wonderful kids and I am still trying to do that. Loughlin was a masterpiece and like most masterpieces they are not realized until they are past. I am a work in progress. Dealing with the guilt of Rhiannon's death is far easier than that of Loughlin's but maybe someday. I love all my kids, alive and passed. My heart hurts whenever they are hurt or when I miss them, which in Loughlin and Rhiannon's case is always.

Maya's Writing in English Class

Loughlin oh Loughlin, I wish you were here with me, right here, right now in this little town. I sit here missing you and waiting for you to give me a sign that you are here. Loughlin, you are my brother that I miss the most. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope to see you again. I wish you were here mostly because I wish mom would be okay. She misses you the most. She is my Savior. I love her so much, We love you to the bottom of the earth. You will always be in my heart, always and forever I love you to the earth's core and back to the infinities. Even though I don't remember you as in the stuff we did together, I wish I did, but then again I don't remember the pain after it happened, so there is all good and bad to this subject. I remember some things we did together when I look at pictures but I wish I remembered more than that but sadly I don't.

Freewriting and Ode. My new English Major Child. So deep and thoughtful for a 14yr old. Love her so much!

Cyrus turned 20 today

Cyrus turned 20 today. He has always been a super good kid. He is so smart and handsome. He has been through so much and has found a way to not only to get through it but to conquer it. He is my hero. He always will be.

He was our little cowboy. He was an incredible showman. He succeeded in everything he tried. He and Loughlin were always best friends. 

He is transfering to the University of Oregon in the Fall. I am so glad (closer, better roads) He wants to major in English. He thought engineering was boring. He wants to teach and write for a living. I couldn't be prouder. I wish I could too. Happy Birthday Son, I love you more than you will ever know.