I have had an interesting 7 weeks. I have felt sick for a lot of it, weak, lightheaded, nauseated, exhausted. Thy have performed a CVC on my blood 3 times. Nothing really telling but my white count is high. We tried a series of antibiotics but nothing changed in the white count.
My insurance booted Maya & me off for no proof of citizenship in the United States. I know haha but it has taken a while to prove our citizenship, actually we are not fully back on yet, but in the mean time my prescriptions came due. One of my meds is $460 for a refill without insurance. I decided I wasn't going to do it. I would go off cold turkey, just quit. It was horrible. I felt probably like a drug addict coming off heroine. I was shaking so bad I couldn't eat or drink without making a huge mess. It felt like my skin was a useless shell. I wanted to crawl out of it, peel it off. It was a rough 5 days. I made it though. I am back on my old med again. I am glad I went through it. My emotions are back. I have laughed more in the last week than I have in years. I have cried too, but at least I have both. Rhiannon's birthday and the stress of True's graduation and party are putting more weight on my shoulders and now softball has started. I am coaching 19 girls on Lea's team this year. Maya is helping but whew! That is stressful. We are 2-0 to start the season though.
Yesterday Lea hadn't felt good in the morning so I just kept her with me. We did a few errands around town. One of those errands was straightening out the workmen's comp insurance again....... The office is right across the street from the fire department...............
The sirens went off. It was deafening. I was paralyzed. I don't know if I actually took a breath once in the time it took me to get to the door. I wrote 2 checks and told them whatever happens just call me and I headed for the door. The siren seemed to blare for hours, days, decades. I made it to my car. Lea holding my hand the whole way. "It's ok mom',"Everybody is ok, mom" . I wanted to rush to my family. Check everyone. Do I dare drive? OMG when will this noise stop? Fire truck after fire truck rushing by. Is that an ambulance. I am sick. I am physically sick. My head is spinning. 'Just Breathe'. All I am required to do at this moment is breathe. I can do this. I don't have any meds with me. I have to do this. I have to pull it together. Who will get my kids? Who will coach the game? Who? Why does this still haunt me. I am back in the ambulance 7 yrs ago. My son is dead. I am back in my room 28 years ago my baby is dead. Why must their be the sound of the sirens? I am here. Where are my babies? Where is Harlen. What if they are going to them? What if it is them that is hurt, dead? Breathe, you just have to breathe. My feet are numb. My hands are shaking. My lips are tingling. I have 5 minutes to get it together. 5 minutes to pick up the kids. OMG I am not going to make it. Loughlin is dead. Rhiannon is dead. The sirens, they won't stop. I plug my ears but I can still hear. I can still see them lying there, cold, dead. Breathe. Lea sing to me, just sing me a song, any song. Sing me your new song the one you made up last night. I love it. I love you so much. You are pulling me out. You are alive. Maya & Giles are fine. True & Kevin are with Harlen. Everyone is ok. I am going to make it. I am going to live. The panic is subsiding. The shaking is controllable. I will make it home. I will make it to the game and we will actually win. I conquered it.
Have I told you how much I hate sirens of any kind?
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