Today is Sunday May 15th. 28 years ago I was going into labor with my daughter that I had planned to give up for adoption. 28 years ago I was 18.
Harlen and I went out for a date last night. We are planning True's graduation party and getting announcements out. He asked me about my graduation, funny that isn't in his nature. I have to admit I haven't thought about my graduation probably since I graduated. I wasn't the typical high school graduate. I never was a friend/crowd kind of kid. I bucked the system, despised authority, and I was 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I had home schooled for the month before giving birth, before that I didn't show and there was no point in leaving school. I came back 1 week before graduation just after giving birth. I would go to school and then go to the hospital where Rhiannon was, because of blood sugar problems. She was an accutane baby. She had this cute little curled ear to prove my disregard for precautions in taking dangerous meds and having sex. I was a rebel. I didn't care about much. When she was born I didn't hold her. I was afraid of not being able to give her up. 18 hrs later I found out the adoptive parent had backed out and she was alone. They didn't want a defective baby. This turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. I got to spend 2 weeks with a beautiful little girl that changed my life, not all at once, but in little increments. She showed me unconditional love and showed me how to give it in return.
Any way back to graduation, I went. I graduated. I came home to my little Rhiannon that my aunt Mary had been babysitting, no party, no drinking, no stupid decisions. I had already made so many. I was an adult, and yet I wasn't. 4 days later she was dead. Monday May 16th, 1988 my life changed forever. Monday May 30th it changed again. It changed positively and negatively. It showed me a love that I had never felt before. It created a distrust of mankind that has never gone away. It created a bond between my kids before and after they were born. Those 9 months, but especially the last 2 weeks formed my life in ways I would have never planned. Rhiannon was my blessing.
My mailbox has been full of wedding announcements of Loughlin's friends in the last months, graduation announcements from college. Don't get me wrong I love these kids. The were a big part of Loughlin's life. I am so happy for them. But the invites are a not so subtle reminder of what my life is missing and it is hard to smile through. Rhiannon 28, Loughlin graduating from college. Time keeps moving, spinning. I wish I knew a better way to look forward to my future. Rhiannon & Loughlin are constantly on my
mind these last few days. I love them and miss them so much.
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