You should just get past it.

Someone very close to me gave the whole spill about how I should get over losing two kids, I should get past it, sure it was hard, but it was a long time . I don't like hearing this from people who aren't close to me, but coming from someone who is supposed to be on your side. your encourager, your no matter what, it bothered me. 

I am not sleeping again. My anxiety and panic is through the ceiling. I am exhausted. I am sad. 

Can I just sleep?

So many kinds of floods

Yesterday a pipe broke in our basement and we ended up with about 8 inches of water throughout. Water in a basement engulfs everything, every corner, every crevice. If there are dead little creatures lurking behind the water heater or in a bag you haven't opened in 8 years the emerge. It is very revealing.
This flood showed me so many things. It showed me that I haven't been in the basement physically, mentally, but most of all emotionally. A Brachiosaurus was floating in the middle of Giles's room. Who knows where he came from. He once was Loughlin's, then Cyrus's, then True's. Where has he been? Where has all these left over clothes been? 8 years, My God, Where have I been? Where has my life been? Where has Loughlin been? Where are my kids? Where did they go, not physically, but where did my other 5 kids go?

Maya came home from school so upset. The baseball coach is not going to let her take stats this year. I learned she is a girl, and a boy would be better. WTF I guess everything I taught her about having the same rights her whole life was bullshit. I am pissed. Can you tell? She has very few things in her life she loves, baseball is one of them. She can't play it anymore because of her TBI, but at least she could be a part of this team. Did I say I am pissed? Give her a break. She deserves it, for once.

Now the floodgates are open. The tears are falling once again. I am so exhausted. Surgery to the Sale to the Funeral to the Delivering Bulls to a Flooded Basement.

Is this a normal life? I don't remember having chose this life. The sadness is here again. Relief is what I want.

The phone call every mom dreads

An hour ago I just got a frantic call from Maya. She had wrecked the Side by Side next to the canal and had been thrown from it. She was hard to understand and I felt so damn helpless. I couldn't even understand where she was. Harlen, Cyrus and True took off to find her. I just listened on the phone to her sobs.

She is beat up but nothing major. I am so angry, sad, really messed up right now. I could only think the worse and even after she was home in my arms I cannot stop the tears. I am pissed off that I have no control over my life, my kids future, and the what if is killing me. I wouldn't make it without my beautiful girl. She is my sunshine. I love her more than life itself.

Maya's last stand

Last week Maya's Neuropsychologist decided because of the chance of Maya furthering her head injury, she could no longer play sports. She had been hit in the head with the ball and experienced dizziness, nausea, headache and blurred vision.

She is half way through her volleyball season and doing so well. She made the JV team as a Sophomore.

















Her serve was unstoppable. So last night she played her last game. After she was crying, the team was crying, I was crying and even Harlen had tears in his eyes. She can still travel with them but how hard?

My heart is aching. For a mom who wants to protect her kids from everything, I sure am doing a completely abhorrent job.