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 Oh they crawl around stealing the hours I need to sleep.

on the ceiling, their claws make wretched scratches 

but the light shows no sign? Am I losing my mind?

I hear a heartbeat that abruptly comes to a halt.

Heartbeats beat strong until they don't beat at all.

I have been at the end of the rhythm thrice.

The pain is unbearable. Can you see me?

Wait there is a new smell, a happy smell, that of dust and moisture.

Taking me back to the time when life was simple.

I am a child riding in the back of dad's Rivera.

The music is playing a happy song. Is that the Beach boys? Does it Matter?

I am happy.

I shall not be that way very often.throughout my life.

I will not allow myself.

Remember that yellow VW I drove around town getting in trouble?

That was years after that man touched me underwater.

Leaving me scarred, filthy, unclean.

A child, yet now a tarnished soul.

I am in pain. Can you hear me?

Of course not for I am silent.

Wine 'coolers for free.

They are not that much older than me and Mer.

What could go wrong? I drink way too much.

Crawl to the bedroom just to lie down, head spinning.

Wake up to a crushing weight on top of me.

My virtue is stolen. I feel dead.

Of course no one listens to the girl who was impregnated at 17.

The fingers point in my direction.

I tell myself I don't care.

I was alone.

By choice, but alone.

A beautiful baby girl arrived.

2weeks pass full of bliss and love

I decide I can do it

I am alone. but not by choice

Yet I have this little beautiful baby girl.

She sleeps next to me

She dies next to me in my bed, cold, blood.

It's my honeymoon.

He makes me feel so low.

I shudder at my image.

I am alone again.

Years pass.

A baby boy arrives.

You can't get off the track.

A new baby boy, another lil boy, then that special girl.

Life seems sublime.

What is over the horizon?

A bigger baby boy and our surprise girl.

Is this happiness?

We are late for school.

I have a funeral to be to.

I drive down the hill. The sun blinds me.

My oldest son is cold, brain matter spills out on the seat.

What have I done?

A Loving God?

The ocean, so blue, with its crashing waves.

It is my solace. It is my proof of His existence or is it?

I am relaxed with the family.

My soul still lingers for something more.

Tears fall from my eyes.

Can this be true?

I am 50. My life is ugly again. There is no light.

He lays in the cold ground.

He fought. We fought. We lost. The cancer won.

Breathing is almost impossible.

I feel like a stranger in a strange place.

I am in pain can you here me?