Different Places

In the last 3 weeks I am in a different place in this mourning process. I can breath. I don't think anyone that hasn't lost a child could know this feeling or even some that have lost a child couldn't .( I never felt this after losing Rhiannon) For 2+ years I actually breathed in, fully in my lungs but never felt any relief. The feeling when you lift your head to breath at the pool and a wave comes crashing in your mouth is close to this but it is as if every time you lift your head, every time you need that air it is not there. I now get some relief some of the time. I am happier. I feel like maybe I can make it through this life. I can actually say that I get in my car to drive and don't pray that someone will take me out of this misery. I am getting closer everyday to my husband and my children. I think for a time I believed that if I backed away and something happened to any of them it wouldn't hurt this bad again. I think the EMDR is helping. I still have so far to go though. My testimony is struggling still. In conference I would listen to the talks and if it mentioned trial, adversity or even eternal life, I toned out. I can't listen to it. I will never believe this was for my good. Everyday I miss Loughlin & Rhiannon so much. This life seems to drag on without them and yet seems to fly by with the rest of my babies. They are all so grown up.