Dragging Feet

OK confession time. I haven't had a valid driver's licence in over a year. No I'm not vain and I am not worried about a new picture and weight question. Really things in my life are far from trivial. I think subconsciously I have wanted to get caught without one, then I would not get to drive. I would not have to have my kids in the car with me where I am totally responsible for their well being, where I don't trust myself any longer, where the sounds and lights and memories flood in without any dam to hold them back. When I drive I am a nervous wreck, cars on both sides of me, it feels as if I am being swallowed up in this huge wave. I am not in control. You would think after 2+ years I would have lost some of this but no it is here, it is so strong that I really wished I would have lost my right to drive.

Now Cyrus also has been 15 for almost a year. He has had no desire to get his permit. I can't imagine why?(sarcasm added) I probably have even subconsciously aided in his reluctance to drive. Now you all know how seriously insane I am. And on top of all that Loughlin had asked for a month before he died if he could go get his permit but I always had some excuse not to take him. GUILT on top of ANXIETY sugared with PANIC doused with a large amount of GRIEF not a very good mix.

Long beginning to a short story. Well today we got it all together, the two of us, and went to the DMV to take the test. We missed the time deadline by 15 minutes.Actually had all of our paperwork in order. REALLY? Now I have to get the courage to do it all again tomorrow. Even if I pass the test I have to pass a driving test. I will be a lot worse than a 16 year old. Maybe I still won't be legal to drive. I need something for my nerves tonight. I am what I did 2 years ago. WRECK!!!!!