Funny how

It's funny how you feel like you are getting better for a while. I even caught myself with a real gut laugh, you know the kind when your whole body trembles. My girls and I were laying in my bed and Lea said something so funny that we sat and laughed for about 10 minutes. Then in church on Sunday we were sitting by this great family who has kids about the same age as mine and we were probably being too noisy then at the end of the meeting the long praying lady got up to say the closing prayer. I know some will think I am being sacrilegious but every ward has one, one that their prayer is like a sermon with brief intermissions that they become all eclept . (SNL church lady word) Anyway I found myself laughing when True's best friend gave out a snore. It was a sincere belly laugh. I can't remember the last time I had done that.

But then today I awoke with this feeling of dread again, of longing, missing. My heart is so heavy. I read birthday wishes on Facebook of some of Loughlin's old friends turning 17. 17, what would he be today? What would he look like? What would he do in his spare time? What would his car look like? Prom was last weekend, all of these things hurt, hurt so much. My soul is once again in agony. Cyrus and True went flying yesterday for scouts. I was a basket-case. The thought of them being in a plane together and something going wrong was horrifying. Harlen kept telling me they still have to live, but I worry so much. The pilot told Harlen they have a greater chance of getting in a car wreck on the way to Ontario than crashing in a plane. Thanks for reminding..........