Wishing for Clarence

Sunday in church an older lady piped in her opinion on losing children. I assume it was pointed to me since in the last 5 years I am the only one to lose a child in the ward. She has never lost a child but her daughter lost a baby. I guess that makes her an expert on these matters. She said that if you kept the commandments in time your feelings of loss would be lifted.If you are sensing cynicism here you are correct in your assumption. I am tired of being lectured on these matters from people who have not an incline of what I am feeling.



This brings me to my favorite movie at Christmas time, "It's a Wonderful Life". If God could only send an angel to open the hearts of those around us to make them feel what it is like to lose children, maybe they might understand the magnitude, maybe they wouldn't open their mouths.


If your want to know what it is like, close your eyes for a moment. Imagine your life without your oldest. If they are older, without their spouse, their children, your grandchildren in your life. Imagine watching all of their friends children around you grow up, dating, driving, graduating, marrying, all of those joys gone. No grandchildren, no accomplishments, nothing but loneliness. Watch your other children grow up without their sister in their lives. I am not done now imagine your second oldest gone too. All of his future stolen from you, no nothing. Watch your third oldest struggle each day just to survive. He was in that crash. His legs aren't the same. His mind will never be the same. He was a great student, straight a's, nothing out of his reach. His goals as big as the mind they grew in but now he can't concentrate on a seemingly easy assignment. Your next son use to be so happy, always smiling, but now he is so angry. You watch all of your sons friends smiling, happy, driving, dating, turning 17 but he was only 15. He is gone. He will never be with you again. All of this guilt on your shoulder. Remembering yourself screaming at the accident, "What have I done?" The future ramifications not even known at the time. Can you even imagine? You relive those hours over and over in your mind and yet life still moves around you. You are expected to pick up the pieces when you can't even pick yourself up off the ground most days. Last night I wept to my husband. I cant do this. I am failing. I can't raise these children now. I use to have my hands on everything they do, now I can't even get their clothes washed for school, their homework is almost never finished. Part of me wants to stay in bed and pull the cover over my eyes. Another part wants someone else to try. It isn't fair to my kids that I can't keep up on my responsibility. I have tried, God knows I am trying. So please don't lecture me on what I should do and how it gets easier. 22 years and 2 years later there is no easement. I am so tired. I at times feel as though I am crawling through life on my hands and knees, have because I am praying for help and half because I cannot stand. Please don't make me feel like a bigger failure than I already do. I wanted better for my children but now because of an alarm clock and
a parked farm truck and my inability to protect my children, they are either gone or struggling and will struggle throughout their lives.