never enough

Why? So many why's. Why at the age of 18, so young, not so innocent, but alone, did that dear sweet baby not wake up? I didn't know anything about being a mom, but I loved her. I never had ever felt that kind of love. That love that reaches in you, touches your soul. That love that takes you from me to her, everything for her. I would have given anything for her, to her but You took her away before I could even have a chance to prove my worth, and at my hands. I should have been there for her. I should have woke up. I should have breathed life back into her but I failed. Then the anger came and I hated You. There was no hope for me. I drank, tried to drink the pain away but it was there always there. I found ways to push it down so I could be NORMAL. I hid her from the world, not because of her but because of me, because I knew no one would accept a girl like that, not in this community, religion. So you didn't know me, not me, not the me that stayed awake with each baby, slept with a hand on their bellies to feel them breath, that never wanted to be without them. I wanted to be that mom, you know the one that could actually keep their baby alive and I did. I put them first, even at the cost of Harlen, but every moment was so precious to me, every smile, every cry, every step. I really thought I had made it. Lea was 4. I tried to love them. I tried my best to make their lives special. I tried to let them know how much I loved them everyday. I couldn't stand to be away from them to long, 3 days tops. I hurt without them near me. I was just driving them to school. I didn't like the bus, what they heard and learned there. I thought I was protecting but I failed again. I didn't see that truck. I want to scream. Why didn't I see that damn truck? He was just laying there,no warmth, no laughter, no smile. Gone. The pain so wrenching you can't breath. Why? His life so promising, why him? How do I go on without him? He was mine and You ripped him away from me. If this is a test, I am an utter failure. I am shattered, sweep me into the dust pan and dispose of me. I am yelling........THIS IS NOT FAIR...... don't tell me that everyone is tested with fire. Where? When? How? My relationship with Lough is decorating his grave. I miss him so much and with Rhiannon well not even that. The bystanders sit back and judge, tell me my kids here need me, need more than I am giving. You don't understand how hard I try but it is never enough. It will never be enough. I will never be enough, not now, shattered, broken, tarnished. Is it suppose to be this hard.