reality

Today I am tender and my mind feels like the weather around me. The fog is set in but there is sunshine in the distance trying to burn the haze off. You would think after 2+ years that the realization of Loughlin being gone would have set in but there are still days when I look at his picture and it is so hard to believe that he is gone. Coming home from taking the kids to school this morning, like an invisible wall, a mist of loneliness surrounded me. I should be past this, the why's and the how's but I am not. I fasted yesterday. It was difficult, more difficult than it has ever been for me. I struggled through. I wasn't really hungry but I just DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. The war inside me is heavy again. The more I try to study and pray and get my testimony back, the more the war rages. My life before losing Loughlin was one that never questioned the church or the existence of God. Even when I lost Rhiannon and went through other trials my faith never wavered. I didn't realize what a blessing that was. I would listen to other trying to get a testimony or restore their testimony and wonder how that could be. I have some in my life that just don't understand(kind of like I use to be), that thinks I am copping out, not trying. But I am not. I am trying. I don't like this feeling of nothingness. It is dark and desperate. It is lonely and unforgiving. It is void. It comes into my mind and sucks the life and air and beauty out of everything and I try to get it out. I sing songs and pray and yet it insists on staying. Why did he have to go? We prayed that we would be safe, but we weren't. Our family is trying but struggling.