Understanding

I always tried to give others the benefit of the doubt but I am starting to believe that most have to touch a stove to know it's hot. I wanted to believe that to some degree someone might know that after losing two children a mom's anger might be hard to explain. That waking one morning after you missed your alarm to feed your two week old baby girl, to find her cold and lifeless, blood coming from her nose, to watch your mom work for what seemed a lifetime breathing air back in her lungs, knowing all of the time that she was gone , and somehow you made it through, that you found your way back from that abysmal place, some how you found a way to move on to find joy in your life, to love again, to enjoy your children, to think you got six more babies past the stage of wondering if they would live through the night only to be doing what you thought was best for them and keeping them off that horrible bus and driving them to school, not to see that truck, but now responsible for yet another cold lifeless child laying next to you, knowing you would never enjoy his graduation, his marriage, his mission, his first baby, never to feel his arms around me telling me he loves me ever again on this earth. Anger is a second emotion to cover up the massive sorrow that still lingers in my heart, the questioning, the self pity that I know that I am putting myself through but sometimes feel helpless to claw my way out of it. To have someone try to explain to me that I have to find what is important in life, all of those things marriages, missions, baby's blessings that I will never experience with my two children. Do you really think I don't know what is important? In some corner of your mind don't you know that I am trying with every cell in my body to swim in this mighty current? Sometimes I may go under and curse the name that has given me these waves but at other times I know this is as a trip to the dentist and it is painful but He loves me and wants me to make it through and that I love Him for keeping his arms around me even though I kick and scream and yell out in agony at the state of my being, my soul, my heart. Why can't you see it?