When I was young I spent a lot of time at the swimming pool. I was remembering this morning that one of my favorite things to do was to walk around the pool on the edge of the gutter. I was always trying to make it around the whole pool without losing my balance. I was a great swimmer so if I did fall I could always get myself to the ledge and climb back out. I remember plenty of times people getting in the way of my goal and me finding a way to maneuver around them, yet sometimes they were the reason I lost my balance and fell in. In my life I have had wonderful people who have tried to help me get to the end of my journey, that knew I frequently lost my way and yet never judged, knew the obstacles that were placed before me, maybe never felt the same obstacles but were close enough to me to see my struggle but on the other hand I have had many who inadvertently or purposely blocked my way. Maybe if given the benefit of the doubt, they were trying to make it harder, to make me stronger. Yet sometimes it felt as if they were standing on the cement and thought it funny to give me a big push and now days I am not a great swimmer and do not love the water. As those that have pride in their own heart want to punish or make me stronger stand on the side of this pool, as I struggle to catch my breath and even as I doggy paddle my way to the ledge, use their foot to push me under, so that I cannot hold on any longer, so that I sink into the darkness once again. I am holding my breath hoping when I emerge, they have moved out of my way so that I can pull myself out or so that someone who actually wants to help me can stand in their place and reach their arm out like the Savior did to Peter, because I am crying out "Lord save me".
1 comment:
I dreamed last night more nightmares. And I was watching my family die and begging for help. I saw a neighbor and she was with other of my neighbors. I told them I needed them! The one lady said, "Too bad! We tried to help you once but you didn't think it was good enough, and we aren't ever going to help you again." The other ladies in her circle all agreed and snobbed me, even though they could SEE how critical it was to have their help! They were more concerned about their little clique and proving their popularity and power than to actually help me! And so not only was I watching my family die, I was alone and not just by accident. And then I woke up. It didn't seem much different. Dominic and Bridget are still dead. I still don't know if my other kids are affected, and I'm having lots of symptoms now that are making doctors wonder. And I honestly am not even trying to keep my balance in the gutters. And I don't know how to swim. I keep walking. Something tells me to. But I'm not trying. I don't know how to swim (never did) and I have a condition with my ears that if I go underwater I lose consciousness (so I would drown). So part of me wants to jump in. I worry about what it would feel like to die. If it would hurt. It makes me upset to think what my kids must have felt when they were in their crisis event and the week in the PICU. But I want to live long enough to raise my kids that are still here. Then I'm content to die. I figure I'm not going to summon death. But if it happens, fine. I'm not even asking to be saved anymore. I already feel hopeless about if I am going to be worthy - which is why I want to live long enough to raise the kids I have - not sure I'll get the chance with Dominic and Bridget. Yes, losing two is much more compounding. The sudden and unexpected nature, it's rough. I hope you keep walking. Not sure why, but I think we need to keep walking. ♥
Post a Comment