1st Day of School

WOW. I don't know where to start. We just got home from our first family vacation in 2 years and it was really pleasant. It wasn't perfect. It was crowded(I mean really crowded) in a place I never thought would be crowded. I guess we picked a bad weekend to go but it was the only weekend we could go. Then the next day we started school. The 1st day of school. I have to say it was one of the worst days I have had since losing Loughlin. He would be a senior this year and there is so many things that go along with him being a senior; graduating, college, mission and everything I have dreamed for him my whole life. The pain was excruciating and all I wanted to do was find relief, but there is no relief from this. I remember after losing Rhiannon that I would watch other little girls grow up and there was always this dull numbing pain almost like a sick nauseated stomach. It never has gone away, even after having my other children just a dull aching pain. With Lough this pain is intense, screaming. I am physically sick. I drive down the road and yell out my angst. I am angry ohhhhhh I am angry. Don't you know this isn't fair? Don't you know there could not be a loving God and allow this kind of non-ending pain? I did this!!!! I am the reason my son cries and is unsure of himself when he use to be so confident. The guilt, the shame, the grief and sorrow, you can't know how this feels, that it will never go away. Yes, people lie to you and say it gets better but it doesn't. I think they say that to make themselves feel better, not because they are concerned about you. Then the Believers around me Congratulate themselves when good things happen in their lives, they are blessed. God is Great! What? I don't understand that thinking. Is God looking out for them but not me? How can it work like this. Are they really more chosen, more loved? And I am left in a life full of misery without my children. Please someone explain this to me. I can make no sense of it anymore.