Window of opportunity

When I get more time I will post about my incredible vacation to Hawaii. It was all I could hope for and more. I saw scenery that only you see in pictures. It was relaxing and it was also very hard to come home. I missed my kids terribly and all I could think about is taking them back one day. I want to move there. If I could figure a way for our family to make it, I would be there tomorrow. Mahalo.

I am sorry that I live where I live. I want to go somewhere and make a fresh start. I want a new start with a religion. I want to find something that helps me feel peace. I don't like where I am at. I have tried for a while but that window of opportunity is gone. I am starting a new trail, a new venture in to finding a peace.

Hawaii Bound

Tuesday morning bright and early we are leaving for beautiful Hawaii for 7 days. As it quickly approaches, the nerves are starting to settle and the excitement is growing. I am still a little crazy scared about losing the kids but the beautiful waves of the pacific are calling my name and I can no longer ignore their voices. I am going to relax and enjoy this so much. It has been forever since Harlen and I have been alone for more than a few hours.

The Dreary Days of December

I know it's not December yet but November just didn't sound as good. I am struggling through the holidays. I have a wheelchair back in my house. I can't really explain the emotions that that simple piece of equipment conjures up in my soul. It takes me back to the dark days after the accident and the first holidays without Loughlin and I am having a hard time breaking free. I really don't want to leave my girl home in a wheelchair. I am so jumpy and anxious that something else is going to happen. I hated the hospital. I struggled for oxygen the entire time we were there. Maya's Dr.'s office is there also and I just got home from there again. I am such a wreck. I cry or get angry at anything. I wish I could say I can't wait for Hawaii but that really isn't the case. I can wait..........

My girl and SCFE

Today is the first time since the accident and losing Loughlin that I am dealing with a medical issue for one of my kids. Maya has a condition known as SCFE. Her chances of getting this is 8 in 100,000. We found out today at 4pm and she is being rushed into surgery tomorrow morning to fix the growth plate at the top of her femur. They will insert a large screw to keep it stable until the growth plate firms. she will be put under anesthesia. I am a basket case tonight. I thought I was getting stronger but tonight I feel like a wet noodle. One of the reasons she could of got this condition is from being overweight. She was never overweight until this life change and losing Loughlin. I am pretty sure everything will turn out fine but that slim chance hangs in the air like the staleness of a cigar, making my stomach churn and my mind work overtime. Please send prayers this way for my beautiful girl.

Revelation, Inspiration, Perspiration?

I wonder about these three words so often. Kid gloves on some, a hatchet on others. Poor poor soul or damned? A duck is a duck unless it is a duck disguised as a weasel. I wish I could live with rose colored glasses creating a world of beautiful tints but I have never seen this world as anything than what it is. I wish I could say the same for those around me that occupy this Earth.

All in all this new experience has made me realize that I no longer want to wear the posture of victim hood. I am me and I am created by everything that has happened in my life, everything that has happened to those I love throughout the past until now. I react only to what I know. I will stand for what is right. I will always try and protect those that need protection, especially the ones who cannot protect themselves. It is hard for me to stand back and watch an injustice being perpetrated. So if you ask you will get what I think

Life is calming

It seems our life has slowed to a trot. True's football season has ended with an undefeated season, in fact they didn't even have a close game. He is surrounded by a very talented and good group of boys. Maya's volleyball season is also over. They won about 50% of their games but she loved every minute of it. Lea has decided that her Cheer class is not for her and I really am happy about that. Giles has scouts and spends most of the rest of the time complaining that he can't play football yet. Mondays are so hard with Scouts, football, Achievement Days, Driver's Ed + every other normal occurrence in our lives that I don't miss that extra drive to town. Cyrus' team made state. It's been a long season for the Antelopes, well at least for us. We made it through both Loughlin's Birthday and the day he left us. It seemed more difficult this year but every year has been so hard. Farming is coming to an end, whether we like it or not. The snow was on the ground this morning. We have corn left to harvest and then the dreaded ground work........But the most exciting news is that Harlen and I leave for Hawaii on December 6th for our 20th wedding anniversary. I am both excited and petrified. I have never left the kids for 7 days and I have never been that far from home. I am excited though to spend so much undisturbed time with my hubby and to see one of the most beautiful places on Earth. It will fulfill a much needed rest for both of us. Harlen and Giles are traveling to California and back as we speak delivering bulls. I hate being here without them.

Friday we watched 3 football games. Cyrus', True's and then we ventured in to watch Loughlin's class play their last home game of the season. They are also undefeated. I thought it would be hard but it really was enjoyable to watch how ell all of them are doing. Loughlin would have loved it. Go Bulldogs! they really should do well at state.

3 years and 1 hr ago

I know, I know 3 years but the pain still remains so strong. I am breathless and weak today. My kids are in school. Harlen is working. So I guess I lost and it will be a day like any other day but not for me and not for my soul that is crying out. I wish I could find something to ease the pain today. I think I would almost try anything.

Darkness Looms

The 3 year mark is drawing near and my heart is sinking like a poorly thrown skipping stone. Harlen told me that days are just days. I wish I could say the same. My days are not the same, some are not worth noting and others shake my existence. I have a feeling Thursday will be one of those days.

My Aunt Norma died last week. Well she was my Great Aunt and she was just that, Great. I loved my Grandma's sisters, each one of them. They all had a special place in my heart and there is but one left. I am sad. I would have rather spent the day with one of them, than spent it with my favorite movie star. Each moment spent in conversation with these great women was a treasure chest for my heart. They lived through such trials and each and everyone of them was a heroine in my mind. I wish I could visit the other side for so many reasons.

Tonight hopefully a little bit of restful sleep, tomorrow acupuncture again. It seems to be helping. Who knows though?

Losing it, and no not my mind, well.......

I don't think I have mentioned much about Cyrus playing football this year. This is the first time he has played since the accident. In the the wreck both of his legs were crushed and twisted in with the rubble,in with what was left of the front end of our suburban. His recovery has been painful and slow. Before our life changed he was first string at everything he tried. He was so strong. He was talented. He had so much heart. This year he joined up again. We are attending a much smaller school, almost every boy plays football. It is as much social as athletic. He decided to play and for over 3 months he has dealt with so much pain in his legs. Pain so severe he will be up at night because the pain won't let him sleep. He doesn't run the same. Everything is so much harder than it once was. He is not first string. He hasn't missed one day of practice. He shows up and he works as hard as his body will let him. He might not have all his skills but he has HEART and he is so STRONG!

Finally yesterday there was a Jr. Varsity game and they were only taking 11 players. He was finally going to get the chance to show what he was made of and he was doing just that. He was playing so good, so hard. I was so happy for him. At half time they took him out. True came and told me it was because he was late for school that morning. In the past THIS school has let me excuse his tardiness with a note. I guess the policy is different on game days. This last week has been so rough on me. I haven't slept but maybe 2 hrs a night. That night I was up until about 4 when I finally fell asleep. I didn't wake up to the alarm. Harlen has been working 18-20 hr days trying to get harvest done. It was my fault he was late, not his. They pulled him out for THAT! After all of THIS! I lost it on the principal who was getting ready to coach the volleyball team. I am sure a lot of people heard me. I hate showing my emotion in public but you have to know I was running on empty and control was not in the script for the day. I think I said something like I killed my son in a car accident 3 years a go and I haven't slept in a week and really hasn't Cyrus been punished enough for what I have done. I just walked out. I feel terrible, terrible I lost my temper, terrible I was rude, terrible I showed my emotion and appeared so weak, terrible I appear that I am failing once again and can't keep my family together, terrible that I am still struggling so much. I think I will write a letter apologizing because I can't quite seem to talk about this yet without showing all my cards, without the emotion. I have never been good with emotion.

The Good , The Bad and the really ugly.......

I use to use this blog to get rid of all my negative thoughts. It seems when they were put down on the screen they left my mind. It was my way of dealing with them. I know some of the thoughts were not sane but the only way I could work through them is to get them out and read them, run them through again and again. I haven't been doing this lately, somewhat because of the way people read and use the things I write against me, also because of time constraints. I believe I was healthier when I was doing this.

I want to tell you about my day, yesterday. I woke up late because I haven't been sleeping as well as I should be. I quit taking my pills that were helping me sleep because they were working to well and I was always tired. So now I struggle the other way. I don't know which is worse, not sleeping or sleeping too much. Any way, because I slept too long the kids were late for school. Everyone is angry on the ride to school. We drive past Loughlin's grave. I noticed that someone had put new things on it. My mind drifted. The sounds are all around me but I remember Loughlin, him smiling, laughing. The kids are asking me questions but I am not able to answer them. On my way home I pass his grave again. I want to stop but I don't think I could walk that far out of my car. I keep driving, stop at the mailbox because I didn't yesterday. There are two letters there for Loughlin, colleges wanting him to apply. I have received plenty of these. I set them aside until I could throw them away. When I walk in the house, I know I have so much to do but it will just have to wait until tomorrow. Phone calls from the school start from my kids, missing picture envelopes, athletic clothes for the pictures. I am still a little dazed from the nightmare at 4 am. The accident all over again, there is Loughlin laying there then some how Rhiannon is laying next to him. Both of them dying within my reach but there is nothing I can do to stop it. The time slows, I stumble through the rest of the hours until I need to pick up the kids. The mail is there again. I grab it on the way to the school. There is a package there addressed to Loughlin. It says Happy 18th Birthday, Welcome to manhood. The bitter irony is that is a free razor. I think of what a razor can do, in this mind of mine that hasn't stopped all day, hasn't stopped thinking of my dead son. A razor cuts and you bleed and it hurts just like seeing this has done to my soul. The phone rings and my mom is on the other end. She begins to tell me about things down there but my mind is occupied with the razor, manhood, 18. I tell her and I cry. I don't like crying to anyone but Harlen. It shows my weakness. I don't want anyone in my house because it is a mess, like my life. I am weak. I should be able after 3 years to handle this, handle my life, but I can't.

5 days ago though we had a good day. Good things happened to and for all of my babies. I thought wow can it really be like this again? But I couldn't stay there, I tried. I tried so hard. I am trying to take the good that happens and dwell on it but the guilt is so strong. I still just want him back.

3 Days

For three days now I have been back in that dark place, the place where there is no hope, no light, and really no love. I find myself in conversations with no knowledge of what the other person is saying. Their mouths move but my mind can scarcely find room for my own thoughts, not alone their problems, cares or joys. I am miserable. I am soooo tired of trying to overcompensate for being such a horrible mom, for putting my beautiful children through more than any child should ever have to bear, for taking a life. I saw where they charged a mom in Southern Idaho with vehicular homicide just the other day for not having her child in a seat belt when they wrecked. Why her and not me? Wow really, isn't losing your child enough punishment for the rest of you days? And yet ........

I have no energy for anything. I go to games and practices and just try to keep up on laundry. My house is a disaster, my life worse. I want to give up but that would be more than my kids could handle.

Happy Happy Birthday Loughlin

Tomorrow you would have turned 18. Pizza and football tonight followed by your favorite restaurant tomorrow, Red Lobster. My only wish is, still and forever, that you could be here with us. We miss you so much. Still feels like yesterday and yet forever since you were here. We are so blessed for the time we had with you. You were, and always will be, so incredible.

Loughlin's Birthday is Sunday

We are trying to decide what to do to celebrate Loughlin's 18th birthday. We thought about BYU-Utah football game but thought about it much too late. the only tickets left are expensive and pretty close to the clouds. So now we are thinking about heading to the lake. We haven't been all year. I would really love to get out of this place though, if just for the two days. True has his first game today in football and Maya her first volleyball game both in Notus. Cy plays again on Friday. I really love the fall sports. I hope they fair better than my college and NFL teams did this last week. I love watching my kids compete, win or lose. I love them all so much.

The wave has subsided

It seems as though I have made it through one of the worst waves of grief and anger, that I have experienced. I am glad it is slowly ending. I feel so much better. I am finding some hope once again. I am so grateful for a loving husband who helps me through this unbelievable pain.

Cyrus is playing football for the first time since the accident. It is hard for a over caring mom to watch, but I am so proud of him. It is painful for him but he is so brave in the way he is facing this challenge. He wants to play again.

True is playing to and is as mean as ever. Maya started early morning volleyball. 6am in the morning, makes me appreciate my mom so much that took me to swim team for 6 years at 5 am.

But most important in our lives is the HOPE and the LOVE I can feel again.

Leaders

What we want in our leaders:

Honesty, One who does what he says he will do, Compassionate, Empathy for those around him, Intelligent, knowing one's limitations and not stepping over those borders, Humble, admitting when one is wrong.

Not too much to ask.

Breathing is Optional

I am sure there are so many around me that believe if I only tried I could be handling this stronger, better. But I have tried so hard and I haven't much strength left. In fact making it to the car to take my kids where they need to go is all I can get done. I am spent. My heart is aching so much. I can't get the sadness out. I am watching my loved ones struggle everyday because of the accident. I can't do it anymore. It is tearing me apart. I love them so much. How could this be happening to our family? Isn't it enough? I can't make it better. It needs to be better. He will soon be 18, but not really because he is no longer here. Oh I miss you Lough.

1st Day of School

WOW. I don't know where to start. We just got home from our first family vacation in 2 years and it was really pleasant. It wasn't perfect. It was crowded(I mean really crowded) in a place I never thought would be crowded. I guess we picked a bad weekend to go but it was the only weekend we could go. Then the next day we started school. The 1st day of school. I have to say it was one of the worst days I have had since losing Loughlin. He would be a senior this year and there is so many things that go along with him being a senior; graduating, college, mission and everything I have dreamed for him my whole life. The pain was excruciating and all I wanted to do was find relief, but there is no relief from this. I remember after losing Rhiannon that I would watch other little girls grow up and there was always this dull numbing pain almost like a sick nauseated stomach. It never has gone away, even after having my other children just a dull aching pain. With Lough this pain is intense, screaming. I am physically sick. I drive down the road and yell out my angst. I am angry ohhhhhh I am angry. Don't you know this isn't fair? Don't you know there could not be a loving God and allow this kind of non-ending pain? I did this!!!! I am the reason my son cries and is unsure of himself when he use to be so confident. The guilt, the shame, the grief and sorrow, you can't know how this feels, that it will never go away. Yes, people lie to you and say it gets better but it doesn't. I think they say that to make themselves feel better, not because they are concerned about you. Then the Believers around me Congratulate themselves when good things happen in their lives, they are blessed. God is Great! What? I don't understand that thinking. Is God looking out for them but not me? How can it work like this. Are they really more chosen, more loved? And I am left in a life full of misery without my children. Please someone explain this to me. I can make no sense of it anymore.

Remind Me to Move that Truck

Yesterday night on the way home from town, Harlen remembered he needed to move a truck out of the field. He said, "Remind me to move that truck". The same words he uttered almost 3 years ago, but I didn't remind him, because it was Sunday and I wanted him home with us. So stupid to be so selfish over a few minutes and now I have a lifetime without my son to bless my life. I hate feeling so responsible for his death but no matter how you spin it, I did it. I have tried so hard to see it another way, that it was an accident and there was nothing I could do about it, but that is not true. I could have prevented it in so many ways, and yet I made so many mistakes that day and even the day before. I miss you so much Loughlin. Football camp today. Cy and True are gone. It is so quiet without my boys here, especially my oldest. What I wouldn't give away for just one more look, hug, day with you here.

Fair isn't Fair

Our family spent the last week at Fair as we have since Loughlin was in the 5th grade. For the most part it is an exhausting event. We wake up at 6:00 am and return back home at about 11 pm. The kids wash, feed and show their steers. It was a great year on performance. Cyrus won Reserve Grand Champion in FFA with his steer. True and Maya both recieved second place in there class. It is the best we have done in years, but yes here comes the BUT......This year Loughlin would be a senior. Many of his friends attended fair. The Nyssa senior class was in charge of trash everyday. We got to see so many of his classmates and it hurt. It hurt to see them so grown up and moving on. It hurt to see them with their girlfriends having fun. It hurt so much. He will forever be 15 years old. The world still revolves. The seasons change but he will always remain the same. My heart is aching so much this morning.

never enough

Why? So many why's. Why at the age of 18, so young, not so innocent, but alone, did that dear sweet baby not wake up? I didn't know anything about being a mom, but I loved her. I never had ever felt that kind of love. That love that reaches in you, touches your soul. That love that takes you from me to her, everything for her. I would have given anything for her, to her but You took her away before I could even have a chance to prove my worth, and at my hands. I should have been there for her. I should have woke up. I should have breathed life back into her but I failed. Then the anger came and I hated You. There was no hope for me. I drank, tried to drink the pain away but it was there always there. I found ways to push it down so I could be NORMAL. I hid her from the world, not because of her but because of me, because I knew no one would accept a girl like that, not in this community, religion. So you didn't know me, not me, not the me that stayed awake with each baby, slept with a hand on their bellies to feel them breath, that never wanted to be without them. I wanted to be that mom, you know the one that could actually keep their baby alive and I did. I put them first, even at the cost of Harlen, but every moment was so precious to me, every smile, every cry, every step. I really thought I had made it. Lea was 4. I tried to love them. I tried my best to make their lives special. I tried to let them know how much I loved them everyday. I couldn't stand to be away from them to long, 3 days tops. I hurt without them near me. I was just driving them to school. I didn't like the bus, what they heard and learned there. I thought I was protecting but I failed again. I didn't see that truck. I want to scream. Why didn't I see that damn truck? He was just laying there,no warmth, no laughter, no smile. Gone. The pain so wrenching you can't breath. Why? His life so promising, why him? How do I go on without him? He was mine and You ripped him away from me. If this is a test, I am an utter failure. I am shattered, sweep me into the dust pan and dispose of me. I am yelling........THIS IS NOT FAIR...... don't tell me that everyone is tested with fire. Where? When? How? My relationship with Lough is decorating his grave. I miss him so much and with Rhiannon well not even that. The bystanders sit back and judge, tell me my kids here need me, need more than I am giving. You don't understand how hard I try but it is never enough. It will never be enough. I will never be enough, not now, shattered, broken, tarnished. Is it suppose to be this hard.

The Devil's Spawn

"He's a good kid, he really is." This coming from a man whom 2 years ago wouldn't utter a word to someone he deemed lower than him on that totem pole of life. But now oh now he has found God. He is different. He has changed. He feels it necessary to tell a mom not once but three times what a good kid she has. Is this so surprising? Is it unbelievable? He has ALWAYS been a good kid, not bratty, not spoiled, very kind. My mother bear claws are out. The fangs are sharp. Somehow it would be productive if you could come down off that grand palace you think you belong on and notice that there is change in everyone.If you could get up from the feast you call life long enough to pull the Silver Spoon out of your mouth you might be able to see through those filthy spectacles you use to judge everyone in your midst and see how things really are. 2 1/2 years down 2 1/2 years to go!!!! I am sure if we pray we can all make it through.

Realm of Reality

I have a great desire to escape this realm of reality. I have tried so hard to fit in but there is no fitting in. There is no pleasing. There is no way that I can make you see that, that was not me. That was an impostor feeling the cavities of my existence. Now I am back but the shell that the alien left for me to occupy isn't desirable. She made a mockery of my love, my life and there is no possibility of getting it back, of getting back to how it was, even though it was far from perfect. This impostor stole my identity. I know it is difficult to grasp the gravity of this thought process, but look at me screaming for some sort of peace, and just as I have it in my grip, it is flung into the emptiness that has become my soul. A withered heart is just that dead. I thought there was hope with nourishing and love that it might return to it's once broken state but the hope is diminished with each passing hour. I will stay. I will be my children's mom. I will put on that face, the one that is farther from the truth and I will perform my earthly duty. They need more but I am incapable of providing that for them. I am trying to love but the pain is excruciating. Walls are so much easier, safe.

May

I have never been so glad for one month to end and for another to begin. UUUUGGGGHHHHH!

Rhiannon's Angel Day

Today marks 23 years since you left me. I miss you. Your birthday and angel day both landed on Monday as it did when you blessed my life. Your headstone so far away. I wish I could visit you.

Loving

Ripe for the Pickin'

I have debated with myself about posting this. In the past I have been accused of being anti-church. (Which I was really just anti-God, anti-everything, Bitter and angry, touched with a bit of mania) But whatever makes one think they are right about another.

Sunday our LDS missionaries spoke in church. The one was talking about how it is our responsibility as church members to find contacts for them. True True. But then she babbled on about how if you knew someone that had just had a baby or LOST A CHILD they would be a perfect contact.?????????

Really?????????????????

Now the anger comes out. Look into the heart of someone that has lost a child and you might find anger, and sorrow and bitterness but a chance to convert ?????EEEEEEKKKKKKKKK

WOW! I thought I had heard most of it but I was so far from wrong!

Judgement

How does it feel to be perfect? To sit in judgement of all of those around you? To think that you know what is in their heart? To think without asking what they are feeling? What they have been through? That one has suffered greatly and one deserves to suffer more, everyday? That one is asked to pay penance for a life sentence? If not for those children that light up the life of one she would rather pay an eternity in hell than one more day on this treacherous earth? That the soul is weary and the heart is crushed. Famished for peace. Thirsty for the light that never comes. My Grandma called it torture, without faith, hell. Well I am without faith. Would Christ leave you on the side of the road without healing, as you cry out have mercy on me? I believe He would. It seems some aren't worth healing.

Scholarship Night

Tonight I am suppose to be able to put on a smiley face and present scholarships to two of Loughlin's best friends. I know, I know what you all are thinking, It has been 2+ years. Get a grip. But on the other hand I should be accompanying my 17 yr old son to all of his Senior friends parties and graduations, not handing out money in his name.

Today the air is so very heavy. The stars swirling around my head. My lips are numb. My heart aches. I am tired.

The scholarship handing out went smoothly. I love these two young men we gave the scholarships too. I know there future will hold much. I didn't mean to take away their happiness. Just bittersweet.

23 Years

Yesterday was Rhiannon's 23rd birthday. On a day like that you can't help wonder what life would be like if she was still here. She would be a high school graduate, maybe college, maybe married. I might even be a grandma. It's hard to say I miss her. I can hardly remember her smell, her touch, her smile. I do grieve for the time I missed with her. I am sad that my life took this turn and losing Loughlin only emphasized her loss.

So Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. I wish I could have held you and raised you but I still love you everyday.

Enduring

Today I am enduring, nothing more. My hands are shaking. There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep. Why does the world keep turning?

Scout Camp 2008

Here are 2 videos from the scout camp right before we lost Loughlin. He just got a flip video for a gift and took it along. The first is Loughlin and Cyrus on the rope bridge they made. I am posting the second because you can hear Loughlin's laughter as he is holding the camera. I miss his laugh so much.

.

Trump Card

I have never been a great lover of board games or even card games. I would rather watch a movie or read a book. I would rather even do dishes than play games, but trying to play a game with someone who holds a trump card is hell. It is trying and trying only to be cut down at your knees every time you seem to be rolling a 12, or at that a 2. It isn't fun anymore. I could be holding 3 of a kind but with that card that is hidden under his leg, even though you have seen him draw a crappy hand he can pull off a victory, and not only that throw it in your face, jump around and do the belly dance, ruin your day, maybe your week, but I am in charge of my life and I choose not to play the game anymore.

2 Steps Forward--One Step Back

It seems these days I spend most of my time making up the difference from the days before, trying to keep this forward progress. I am growing weary but there is some fight still in me. I have felt terrible for over a week. Well that is nothing new except for the fact that i felt good for about a week before that. Now I know what life could be, should be and I want a part of it. so here's to finding a new way to feel good again. Wish me luck.

Mother's Day, then Maya's birthday, then Rhiannon's birthday, then Cyrus' birthday, then Rhiannon's angel day, so many ups and downs in this month. I need some good energy.

Questions?

Just a short post to ask a simple question. I have been reading a lot about the tornadoes and destruction in the South. I read one comment that said , "God has blessed us today, all of our family made it out alive." If this statement is true, what does that say about the ones who didn't survive?

Were the one that survived God's chosen? Then the ones that died were???????..........And then so on, were those families not blessed?

I tire of this conversation but it really makes little sense to the sensible mind.

Our boys are Juniors after all

Today while eating lunch with Harlen, one of Loughlin's old friends mother struck up a conversation with me. She was asking how the kids were doing, how old they were? After I told her she said that's hard to believe but our boys are Juniors after all. No your boy is a junior and mine well........The jury is still out. I thought I was ok with what she said but I am not, now I am back in that feeling sorry for me state. I HATE THIS LIFE!!!!!! Everyone around me is growing, moving and I am stuck. He has 2. I have 5. what will be the final count?

The Easter Promise

You would think that Easter would make a parent of a child, who has died, peaceful, but quite the opposite can be said for me. I have been angry for about 4 days. I couldn't get my head around why, but I know why now. I am having the same reaction as I do to talks and lessons on Death and Resurrection. I feel like screaming at the top of my voice, "BRING HIM BACK TOO." Crazy, I know but I can't rid my mind of the turbulence it causes. I can handle Rhiannon's death a little easier because of the promise of raising her, if it is all true, but Loughlin will never experience any of those events teenagers and young adults do. Please don't give me that he is doing more important things. What could possibly be more important than being the most incredible big brother on the planet. His siblings need him, and isn't there a saying "Family First", just not for our family.

Different Places

In the last 3 weeks I am in a different place in this mourning process. I can breath. I don't think anyone that hasn't lost a child could know this feeling or even some that have lost a child couldn't .( I never felt this after losing Rhiannon) For 2+ years I actually breathed in, fully in my lungs but never felt any relief. The feeling when you lift your head to breath at the pool and a wave comes crashing in your mouth is close to this but it is as if every time you lift your head, every time you need that air it is not there. I now get some relief some of the time. I am happier. I feel like maybe I can make it through this life. I can actually say that I get in my car to drive and don't pray that someone will take me out of this misery. I am getting closer everyday to my husband and my children. I think for a time I believed that if I backed away and something happened to any of them it wouldn't hurt this bad again. I think the EMDR is helping. I still have so far to go though. My testimony is struggling still. In conference I would listen to the talks and if it mentioned trial, adversity or even eternal life, I toned out. I can't listen to it. I will never believe this was for my good. Everyday I miss Loughlin & Rhiannon so much. This life seems to drag on without them and yet seems to fly by with the rest of my babies. They are all so grown up.

South Dakota

I spent the weekend with Harlen traveling over a thousand miles to a bull sale in south Dakota. We were exhausted when we arrived home last night at 12:30 in the morning. It was a fun trip though. We drove and drove and drove. We awoke early Saturday morning(4am) and drove 4 hrs so that we would have enough time to find a bull we liked. The only problem is they had received 18 inches of snow the day before and postponed the sale 3 hrs. Lost winks.....We found a great bull though and made it back to the hotel a lot later than we had planned, just to wake the next morning and drive 10 1/2 hrs home. Traveled through West Yellowstone and saw wild Buffaloes and Big Horn sheep, about 3 ft of snow on the side of the road. Listened to conference again on the way. When do you think those adversity and eternal life talks will get any easier? I find myself getting better at toning them out.

Dragging Feet

OK confession time. I haven't had a valid driver's licence in over a year. No I'm not vain and I am not worried about a new picture and weight question. Really things in my life are far from trivial. I think subconsciously I have wanted to get caught without one, then I would not get to drive. I would not have to have my kids in the car with me where I am totally responsible for their well being, where I don't trust myself any longer, where the sounds and lights and memories flood in without any dam to hold them back. When I drive I am a nervous wreck, cars on both sides of me, it feels as if I am being swallowed up in this huge wave. I am not in control. You would think after 2+ years I would have lost some of this but no it is here, it is so strong that I really wished I would have lost my right to drive.

Now Cyrus also has been 15 for almost a year. He has had no desire to get his permit. I can't imagine why?(sarcasm added) I probably have even subconsciously aided in his reluctance to drive. Now you all know how seriously insane I am. And on top of all that Loughlin had asked for a month before he died if he could go get his permit but I always had some excuse not to take him. GUILT on top of ANXIETY sugared with PANIC doused with a large amount of GRIEF not a very good mix.

Long beginning to a short story. Well today we got it all together, the two of us, and went to the DMV to take the test. We missed the time deadline by 15 minutes.Actually had all of our paperwork in order. REALLY? Now I have to get the courage to do it all again tomorrow. Even if I pass the test I have to pass a driving test. I will be a lot worse than a 16 year old. Maybe I still won't be legal to drive. I need something for my nerves tonight. I am what I did 2 years ago. WRECK!!!!!

Funny how

It's funny how you feel like you are getting better for a while. I even caught myself with a real gut laugh, you know the kind when your whole body trembles. My girls and I were laying in my bed and Lea said something so funny that we sat and laughed for about 10 minutes. Then in church on Sunday we were sitting by this great family who has kids about the same age as mine and we were probably being too noisy then at the end of the meeting the long praying lady got up to say the closing prayer. I know some will think I am being sacrilegious but every ward has one, one that their prayer is like a sermon with brief intermissions that they become all eclept . (SNL church lady word) Anyway I found myself laughing when True's best friend gave out a snore. It was a sincere belly laugh. I can't remember the last time I had done that.

But then today I awoke with this feeling of dread again, of longing, missing. My heart is so heavy. I read birthday wishes on Facebook of some of Loughlin's old friends turning 17. 17, what would he be today? What would he look like? What would he do in his spare time? What would his car look like? Prom was last weekend, all of these things hurt, hurt so much. My soul is once again in agony. Cyrus and True went flying yesterday for scouts. I was a basket-case. The thought of them being in a plane together and something going wrong was horrifying. Harlen kept telling me they still have to live, but I worry so much. The pilot told Harlen they have a greater chance of getting in a car wreck on the way to Ontario than crashing in a plane. Thanks for reminding..........

Telemarketers and a new low

I really am trying to keep up a good attitude, turn over this new leaf that seems to be working, but the powers that be seem to always work against me. After the cemetery debacle, I woke up yesterday determined to find some kind of good in the day. I had breakfast with my hubby came home with the energy to get it done. Then the phone rang and I answered, usually I don't answer unknown numbers but hey I am turning over that new leaf I can handle about anything, I thought. The lady says, Hello Mrs. Garner....I was wondering if your son is interested in some SAT material to help him do well on the test. I kept listening, Cyrus is a sophomore. She continues I am sure it would be helpful to your son, Loughlin still is planning to go to college?. At that moment my heart dropped, my soul ached. I replied no he isn't, he died. Gulp, Tears.....She returned with sorry, click! I am sorry too. I spent the rest of the day picking my tattered heart up off the ground. I am sure there will be many more where that come from. The college offers come in the mail at a rate of once a week. I am still missing you son, every moment of every day. Wish I could hear your voice.

Cemetery woes

*****Update****

I just got back from the cemetery. Everything and I mean everything was piled in this huge pile full of crap and dead flowers and I am angry. They only clean off the graves 2 weeks after Memorial Day and then they post it in advance. I have been crying since. I feel the Mother Bear coming out. There is not much i can do for my son now but I can keep his grave beautiful.

Harlen and i just drove past the cemetery and all of the flowers, chimes and other decorations were gone. I knew they cleaned up after Memorial Day but have no idea why it is all gone today. The cemetery was haunting without the bright colors to glimmer it up. I have been awful careful about keeping his little space looking nice. I can't keep the house up but I can keep that little area looking beautiful. Off to find out what is going on.

Happy B-Day Giles

I think some who read this blog might think that i am always down, always distressing. I have a busy life, 5 kids and a husband whom I love. We have a farm and ranch that keeps all 7 of us so busy. My heart aches each and everyday over the loss of our son. This blog is my way to sort through the raw feelings that make their way into my heart and soul and mind. When I get them out on the computer screen I can take the good and leave the bad but at least I get them out.

I could start using it as somewhat of a journal too but it is hard to mix the sane and insane so lets just keep it insane........

Giles had his 9th birthday on Saturday. He got tons of money, which he loves, and had a blast at the Y with his family and four friends. He is one lucky boy. He shares that b irthday with my beloved Grandma and a wonderful cousin both of whom I miss a so much.

Punishment

What would you like me to do? I think he has been punished enough......... Is it about punishment?

Hands

Every person, every child has a reason why they died, but a mother's pain and guilt is strong when that reason lies solely in her own hands.

"Already it is time to depart, for me to die, for you to go on living. Which of us takes the better course, is not known to anyone but God." Socrates

My Little Miss Maya

I just finished my first special ed meeting for Maya. Our last school was hesitant about getting Maya any help, in fact it was like pulling teeth to get them to consider it. After visiting an incredible neuropsychologist the first of this year, he has brought a lot to the attention of Harlen and I and also our new school. Maya is doing better. We have the most wonderful 5th grade teacher on the planet and I am so grateful for that. Maya has passed both state tests and only one left to go. I am grateful for all of this.(She hadn't passed any since the accident) I know this meeting was not about me and yet I had to sit and listen to the SE teacher keep saying ," well she will qualify for more help if we meet some criteria, and then she proceeded with one of them is a TBI (traumatic brain injury) well there is no question she has had that". OK, I know she has had that but I am wondering how many times in a 1 hour meeting we can clearly point out that I am totally responsible for this TBI and really whatever I do now will not make up for the fact that I ran into a farm truck and changed our lives for the negative forever. She didn't really point this out but everytime she mentioned the TBI, I was sick, sick in my heart and in my head and the bile was clearly coming up my throat. UUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2nd week

The second week of EMDR has been extremely easier. My appointments have been on Fridays and today marks the 4th day after and I feel better. I felt a little joy yesterday with my kids doing our normal night routine. I felt joy spending the day with Harlen, I was knee deep in mud at a farm sale, and yet I had a good time. Today I am alone in the house, kids in school, Harlen off to another farm sale, I hope I don't take a uturn back. I hope I can keep making progress. I just wish now that I could feel peace, some sort of peace. I just miss Loughlin so much. My heart breaks everytime I think about what could have been.

EMDR and the first week..........

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)¹ is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies².

EMDR psychotherapy is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.

During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is "dual stimulation" using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set.

Have had actually a worse week since starting this treatment. The memories are so raw. I really am wearing down. I feel like giving up even with everything that is around me. I am exhausted beyond what I ever thought possible. I want to see Loughlin & Rhiannon again. I want to feel my Grandma's arms around me but most of all I just want to find out if there really is another side. I really have tried to get a testimony of it all but it is not coming. I read and pray and read and pray and when I am tired of that I read and pray some more. The promise is there, "Ask and it shall be given". The darkness surrounds me when I can't feel anything. I go to his grave wanting to feel his spirit but he isn't there. The thought of him in the ground, nothing left, takes over. I try to push it out but he is gone, she is gone, all we have is this existence here and I don't want it anymore. I would rather be nothing.

Drive safe to school

My kids love to pray, well at least the younger ones. Tonight I said their night prayers with them. My little Lea said, "Please bless we are safe on the way to school." Agony. I made it just out of the room before I fell to pieces. I am not saying they have never said it before they have and each time I fall to pieces. Will I ever forgive myself? I wish I could live these last 2 1/2 years over again.Ooooh Loughlin, I am so so sorry. I miss you so much!

EMDR

I started with an EMDR specialist today. I am holding out high hopes that he can help me deal with this a little better. I am sure I am stuck in this grieving process. It isn't getting any easier. Sometimes I still don't believe I will make it through.

When pain out weighs responsibilities that is when this choice will get easier.

Dream?

Today I awoke to someone calling "mom" I called back,"I'm right here" but no one answered. It was 5 am none of my children were awake yet and still I knew I had heard it so clearly. I cannot breath now. My heart aches, my soul hungers to hear Loughlin's voice. Was it a dream? I am beginning, it seems, back at the first of this grieving process again and I don't want to do it again. I am so tired of longing for a son whom I will never see on this earth again.

Sweet Mercies

Wednesday night I sat down to fold some clothes and a sock caught my wedding ring. I looked down to find my diamond gone. I started crying, now bawling. I looked franticly everywhere I could think. I said a small prayer. I loved my ring. Harlen had picked it out by himself for me and I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful ring. I had a small feeling to check the vacuum bag. It was full. I had been on a rampage cleaning that day. I spent a while fingering through it, to the ooohs of my girls. Within 5 minutes I found my diamond. I can't believe it.

3 hours later I got e coli and have been sick since but I am getting to where I can find the small blessings in my life. Sale day 4 days and counting, hoping to get feeling better and get all of this stuff done!

reality

Today I am tender and my mind feels like the weather around me. The fog is set in but there is sunshine in the distance trying to burn the haze off. You would think after 2+ years that the realization of Loughlin being gone would have set in but there are still days when I look at his picture and it is so hard to believe that he is gone. Coming home from taking the kids to school this morning, like an invisible wall, a mist of loneliness surrounded me. I should be past this, the why's and the how's but I am not. I fasted yesterday. It was difficult, more difficult than it has ever been for me. I struggled through. I wasn't really hungry but I just DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. The war inside me is heavy again. The more I try to study and pray and get my testimony back, the more the war rages. My life before losing Loughlin was one that never questioned the church or the existence of God. Even when I lost Rhiannon and went through other trials my faith never wavered. I didn't realize what a blessing that was. I would listen to other trying to get a testimony or restore their testimony and wonder how that could be. I have some in my life that just don't understand(kind of like I use to be), that thinks I am copping out, not trying. But I am not. I am trying. I don't like this feeling of nothingness. It is dark and desperate. It is lonely and unforgiving. It is void. It comes into my mind and sucks the life and air and beauty out of everything and I try to get it out. I sing songs and pray and yet it insists on staying. Why did he have to go? We prayed that we would be safe, but we weren't. Our family is trying but struggling.

Struggling

Grief is a interesting process. I really think I am doing well sometimes and then just the smallest comment or sight or thought or prayer can send me tumbling back down. For three days now I have fought the tears, all day long, every moment. I am just sad. I watch Loughlin's friends driving, or hear their parents talk about how well they are doing in sports or school and my heart aches. I am not angry anymore, at least not at them. I would be proud too if my son was doing so well. It just hurts. I want him back. I know it isn't possible but I need him back in our life. I watch how his brothers struggle each day, how they have to find a new way to cope with this new life and I can't breath. I feel so responsible for it all.

We lost our family dog yesterday. 6 years ago, Christmas morning each of the three older boys got a dog from Santa. Cyrus' died soon after when the wire he was tied up with malfunctioned. Loughlin's left 6 weeks after he died and we never saw her , (Little Anne after his favorite book)again. True's was the last survivor. Bruschi named after his favorite football player Tedy Bruschi. He was hit by our hired man and killed yesterday. I loved that dog he was beautiful.

Our sale is close. I feel overwhelmed. New challenges present themselves everyday and I am wading through, but I am tired. I feel like going to sleep and waking up in a few months when I can handle this better.

Wanting to Help

I had a very smart lady tell me the other day that when people wonder what they can do to help in the grieving process, they should just tell you a memory of Loughlin. Telling us, I know in a loving way, that he is in a better place does not help. I think it comforts them but for me, I would imagine, that Loughlin misses us as much as we miss him.Being on the other side makes it easier but his heart is still aching. We are getting ready for our big sale and his absence is very hard. We are making some hurdles with the insurance company and maybe we can finally find a way to live this new life that was given to us.

Better Days

I am in a better place right now even though the world around me remains chaotic. I can feel the healing power soothe my aching soul. My mind is somewhat at peace, my thoughts have simmered. I am overwhelmed with the love I feel for those around me and at times I am even able to bear some others' burdens. Grateful.

The Ride

I was hoping for the new year this nauseating ride I continue to be on would come to an end; but it keeps on. Soon it should run out of fuel.......you would think.

Fasting and Praying

I am once again on my knees fasting and praying for some peace. My desire for a new beginning for the new year has fallen flat. There is always hope though, right?