I don't think I have mentioned much about Cyrus playing football this year. This is the first time he has played since the accident. In the the wreck both of his legs were crushed and twisted in with the rubble,in with what was left of the front end of our suburban. His recovery has been painful and slow. Before our life changed he was first string at everything he tried. He was so strong. He was talented. He had so much heart. This year he joined up again. We are attending a much smaller school, almost every boy plays football. It is as much social as athletic. He decided to play and for over 3 months he has dealt with so much pain in his legs. Pain so severe he will be up at night because the pain won't let him sleep. He doesn't run the same. Everything is so much harder than it once was. He is not first string. He hasn't missed one day of practice. He shows up and he works as hard as his body will let him. He might not have all his skills but he has HEART and he is so STRONG!
Finally yesterday there was a Jr. Varsity game and they were only taking 11 players. He was finally going to get the chance to show what he was made of and he was doing just that. He was playing so good, so hard. I was so happy for him. At half time they took him out. True came and told me it was because he was late for school that morning. In the past THIS school has let me excuse his tardiness with a note. I guess the policy is different on game days. This last week has been so rough on me. I haven't slept but maybe 2 hrs a night. That night I was up until about 4 when I finally fell asleep. I didn't wake up to the alarm. Harlen has been working 18-20 hr days trying to get harvest done. It was my fault he was late, not his. They pulled him out for THAT! After all of THIS! I lost it on the principal who was getting ready to coach the volleyball team. I am sure a lot of people heard me. I hate showing my emotion in public but you have to know I was running on empty and control was not in the script for the day. I think I said something like I killed my son in a car accident 3 years a go and I haven't slept in a week and really hasn't Cyrus been punished enough for what I have done. I just walked out. I feel terrible, terrible I lost my temper, terrible I was rude, terrible I showed my emotion and appeared so weak, terrible I appear that I am failing once again and can't keep my family together, terrible that I am still struggling so much. I think I will write a letter apologizing because I can't quite seem to talk about this yet without showing all my cards, without the emotion. I have never been good with emotion.
3 comments:
oxox
Your football story is painfully familiar to me. I have been there so many times myself. I often wonder why it is so difficult for some people to see the big picture. Yes, there are rules and requirements and procedures and expectations, but there are also times when the right thing to do is to look at the big picture, and then make an exception.
I know you don't know me, but I've commented before. Our sons were both killed in car accidents within a few weeks of each other. I'll be thinking of you and your family next week. It is such a difficult time of year.
gardnerkath@yahoo.com if you ever want to chat.
I have learned to speak about Evan without showing emotion...and then I wonder what people are thinking when I do that. Maybe they wonder how I can keep it together. Or maybe they are thinking, oh he was just a small boy and she's got plenty of other children so maybe she doesn't miss him. Or that it wasn't a big deal. But it was. And is. And somehow there has got to be a happy medium where a mother can talk about her son with just the right amount of emotion.
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