Unraveling

Like a small thread you catch with your toe and don't notice until it is too late or the noodles wrapped around your fork that come undone right before you reach your mouth, this is my life it seems. You can only hide your true feelings for so long. Somehow they escape like the breath you have held for so long, your lungs want to burst. I am tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am just not that tough anymore. I don't have the desire to fight through.
My faith is dwindling once again. I wish it wasn't true but I try to get these thoughts out of my mind but they linger like the smell of your perfume from the night before. I have just chosen to live my life the best I can. Some things you have done never go away. They are seared into your skin like a brand on an old cow. The hair starts to cover it after many years but if you look real close you can still see it. She will carry it with her to the slaughterhouse, as will I.

Christmas Wish

My Christmas wish of just a little peace came through. I found helps that are working. I feel about 80% good and I am so grateful. I wanted to enjoy my family through the holiday and I have. Christmas was wonderful. I missed Loughlin so much but it was different. I have found a way of still enjoying the rest of these beautiful children God has granted me and yet yearn for the ones I am without. Today Harlen and I are celebrating 19 years as a married couple. Our life certainly hasn't been easy but us together feels stronger than it ever was.

We took our kids to see the new Narnia last week. So many quotes popped out of that movie for me but the one I loved most was something like, "I have spent far too long thinking about what was taken from me, instead of all that has been given to me." I am far from making this quote a reality but I am trying everyday now. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you so much for all the words of encouragement throughout the last 2 years. You will never know how grateful I am. My heart is so full of love for everyone in my life.

Humble enough to listen

Yesterday I received some new advice. I think I was willing to listen because I have been feeling like I am at the bottom of the barrel again. I am swimming round and round trying to find some kind of traction.

I don't know him well but what he said eased my guilt and sorrow just a bit. He asked me if I was still angry. I said yes. He said that is a bad area of the grief process to get stuck in. He asked me if I have been told I couldn't be angry. Well we all know the answer to that question. He told me not to feel bad about being angry especially at God. He said God can handle it and He only wants me to get better fast. I loved hearing those words. I am so full of guilt that it took just a little bit away. Now if only the other person I am angry at could get strong enough to handle it.

Wishing for Clarence

Sunday in church an older lady piped in her opinion on losing children. I assume it was pointed to me since in the last 5 years I am the only one to lose a child in the ward. She has never lost a child but her daughter lost a baby. I guess that makes her an expert on these matters. She said that if you kept the commandments in time your feelings of loss would be lifted.If you are sensing cynicism here you are correct in your assumption. I am tired of being lectured on these matters from people who have not an incline of what I am feeling.



This brings me to my favorite movie at Christmas time, "It's a Wonderful Life". If God could only send an angel to open the hearts of those around us to make them feel what it is like to lose children, maybe they might understand the magnitude, maybe they wouldn't open their mouths.


If your want to know what it is like, close your eyes for a moment. Imagine your life without your oldest. If they are older, without their spouse, their children, your grandchildren in your life. Imagine watching all of their friends children around you grow up, dating, driving, graduating, marrying, all of those joys gone. No grandchildren, no accomplishments, nothing but loneliness. Watch your other children grow up without their sister in their lives. I am not done now imagine your second oldest gone too. All of his future stolen from you, no nothing. Watch your third oldest struggle each day just to survive. He was in that crash. His legs aren't the same. His mind will never be the same. He was a great student, straight a's, nothing out of his reach. His goals as big as the mind they grew in but now he can't concentrate on a seemingly easy assignment. Your next son use to be so happy, always smiling, but now he is so angry. You watch all of your sons friends smiling, happy, driving, dating, turning 17 but he was only 15. He is gone. He will never be with you again. All of this guilt on your shoulder. Remembering yourself screaming at the accident, "What have I done?" The future ramifications not even known at the time. Can you even imagine? You relive those hours over and over in your mind and yet life still moves around you. You are expected to pick up the pieces when you can't even pick yourself up off the ground most days. Last night I wept to my husband. I cant do this. I am failing. I can't raise these children now. I use to have my hands on everything they do, now I can't even get their clothes washed for school, their homework is almost never finished. Part of me wants to stay in bed and pull the cover over my eyes. Another part wants someone else to try. It isn't fair to my kids that I can't keep up on my responsibility. I have tried, God knows I am trying. So please don't lecture me on what I should do and how it gets easier. 22 years and 2 years later there is no easement. I am so tired. I at times feel as though I am crawling through life on my hands and knees, have because I am praying for help and half because I cannot stand. Please don't make me feel like a bigger failure than I already do. I wanted better for my children but now because of an alarm clock and
a parked farm truck and my inability to protect my children, they are either gone or struggling and will struggle throughout their lives.

Fasting for Peace

Harlen and I are fasting tonight and tomorrow for some help with my medicine and for some peace in my heart. My soul is growing weary and I have so much to do. It is hard trying to get anything accomplished when you are in a state of panic all of the time. I am missing my boy so much. While cleaning out a drawer the other day I found an old memory stick with a few pictures on it. What a hidden treasure. Christmas is so hard without all your children to bless each day.

Random thoughts

My thoughts seem to be moving at the speed of light. Sounds and lights are startling me. My hands are shaking. My stomach fluttering. The anger is bubbling up like lava. Is it the giant that is awakening again? My energy is being used to hold it all in. My eyes dart around the room. I feel angst to almost every soul there. I remember everything, everything ever said or done to me. Don't speak at me. I promise to find a mistake in whatever gurgles from your lips.

Tonight as I drove home, in my own world, 5 head of deer ahead, and yet I don't see them until I am through, 2 on one side 3 on the other. Was this God showing me that he is watching out for me? But why didn't he watch out for me October 27, 2008? Now I don't care. I was alone. The only one I could have hurt was me. It probably would be for the best. I think it is a satirical comedy, my life. I see so many around thinking life would be better without me in it. Well thanks for joining in my song. 2 years ago it could have been me , then no one would have to threaten their own salvation with their thoughts of hatred and superiority when I am around. (see I can think of others)

Oh yah I didn't let, I forced. I am not a monster!

Thank God for my family. They see past my total imperfection. They love me through it all.

More than 2 years

For more than 2 years now I have awoke to a feeling of pure panic. There is no rhyme or reason to why this is the way it is. It is a product of the trauma I have been through. I am exhausted. I have tried so many ways to alleviate the stress and anxiety but so far nothing has worked. I am praying for a moment of peace. It seems I pray all day long. So my only wish for Christmas this year is calm in my soul once again.

Forgiveness

I am starting to believe that forgiveness is a sham. A lie given to us to make us feel better about the bad things we have done. It is easier to walk through life thinking that nobody looks down on you for your performance, for your bad decisions. It isn't true though. I am not saying people don't try, I just don't believe it is possible to succeed.They believe the atonement is just for others.

"This isn't fair funeral"

I was at what a friend termed "This isn't fair funeral" today. You know the type. Well if you read my blog it would be losing your son at 15, or your daughter at 2 weeks. It would be any of those angel mom's out there who had to endure their losses. Today I attended a friend and family member's sons funeral. He was 28. I am not totally of aware of the cause, and I don't want to venture a guess. It doesn't matter. He was a wonderful ladies son. He will be missed by her every second of her days for as far as her mind will will her to imagine. I mourned for her. I mourned knowing how much her heart will ache. I hurt that she would feel this enormous weight, that she will carry it the rest of her years. I watched her other children. I saw the fear in their eyes, and the yet also a strength that they were borrowing from those around them. I watched a father wonder how he would make it without his right hand man. She reached out to me. I think to have me tell her you will make it through, but how could I say those words when I haven't made it through. I listened as a bishop told his listeners how important it was to endure our trials well. Then I looked back at my last two years. I have not endured them well, but I am still standing, a vastly different soul than I was before. I stood in line to visit with the family. I listened to the idol chatter of those around me. It struck me hard. Is this how people were at Loughlin's funeral, at Rhiannon's? I do not remember. Did they laugh and talk about nothing that was important at all? Was it just another day for them? My heart started racing. The air felt heavy and unusable. How could they seem so unaffected? A mother's heart is mourning. A family's life has stopped. A son is gone. Is the weather or football something appropriate to talk about? Can't you feel their soul screaming in agony. Don't you understand that him being in a better place does not console a mother's desire to see, feel, hear her son just one more time? This was my first funeral of this type since I lost my son. On the way their I couldn't feel, but once again I think it was just me protecting me from those agonizing feelings again. I am so sorry another mother had to bury her child today. I hope her family stays with her longer than the standard two week period for it takes a lifetime to get over a loss such as this.

So dark, new med..Hope it works better!

Yield

The Abyss, that I seem to creep into more frequently than not, is getting darker, deeper, more intense with the sound of nothing. I grow weary with each passing hour. How long has it been since I felt peace? Have I ever felt peace? My heart is heavy with the emotion of grief and yet I am powerless to feel it or show it. The guilt seems to get in the way of the sensation of living at all. I long for this life to come to an end. I long for serenity of any sort. I am tired of the prying eyes, the eyes that don’t understand where I am at or how I could have got here, the eyes that say, you are as a disease, I want no part of you. Is it just me? Am I to blame? Am I the dirt under your feet, the dirt you brush off as you head into your seemingly perfect homes? Do I frighten you? Am I a nightmare? Grief, Sorrow, and Guilt are not contagious. They are not the plague that you stay up nights worrying about infecting your family. I am not He, He that is after your soul and yet you look at me as if I were. There is no compassion in your being. No commiseration for what I must feel. Over and over in my head, I live that morning. I can’t get past the certainty that I killed him. You say it is irrational; it was an accident, that I never meant any harm to him. I loved him but I did more than harm him. He is gone because of me, because of my error, because of my ignorance in knowing that days should not be hurried but should be enjoyed. Now the enjoyment is gone. Life will never be as it was. Life is something I must tolerate now, if I can. I never sense the warmth of Him as I use to. The sadness blocks the Spirit. The exhaustion obstructs the reception of His blessings. Maybe He tires of me, as I tire of my life. I have asked for so much. Maybe I am out of offerings. Maybe it is time to yield.

2 years

Today marks two years without you in our lives. I miss you so much Loughlin. You are and always will be a wonderful son. We thought we would treat this as any other day today. Our plan isn't working so well. We love you buddy!

A day not like any other day.......

She raised her hand to her mouth as she walked toward me, as to indicate I should smile. Smile. My back has not been kind to me at all this week. I have been spending my days going through boxes in my office that have been piling up for almost 2 years now, pictures, report cards, crafts, cards all that seem like a treasure chest on one hand and a pirate's sword stabbing my heart on the other. I need to catch up on my paper work, taxes, worker's comp...uuugggghhhh. Everything is in there, hospital bills, birth certificates and death, thank you cards that were never finished, pictures of happier times, my smiling boy, always smiling, so artistic, so much love for his family. I am struggling through each box, everything is mixed up, like my life has been for a while now. Tonight though I am also struggling through a panic attack, all while trying to make it through the school carnival, at times not feeling my legs, my head spinning, my eyes filled with tears. Today is a Monday, two days before that day, but Monday, the day it all happened. the day I lost my normalcy. The day I lost my mind, my 6/7ths of this heart. The day I lost my safety net around my family, Monday October 27, 2008 feels like yesterday but feels like an eternity since I held my son. The bad news seems to move in like the fog, my friends, more trials, cancer, haven't they been through enough? When will their soul be stretched to where He wants it? So if you want a smile, find me another day...I am trying but losing the battle tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

UUUUGGGGGHHHHH

As if the month of October isn't hard enough, add on lawyers and doctors still asking about 2 years ago. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH I need some really good R&R.

Broken Things to Mend

Trying to come to terms with my new existence

I am trying to really come to terms with my new existence. It isn't easy. 2 years ago my life was not even close to being perfect. I was lousy at many things, but the good thing then is I didn't much care. I was trying and that is all that mattered to me. Today, I am still lousy at those things but the list grows larger each day. The trials keep swirling about us like a storm tat doesn't seem to want to leave. I find myself laughing at the insanity of this life, which is an improvement because I use to just cry. My husband is my greatest cheerleader and yet I cannot find my way out of the gloom. I haven't quit trying yet but I can feel my will slowly slipping away. I still feel lousy most every day, some days almost unbearable, but I keep trudging alone, hoping for a breakthrough into my psyche. I don't know how much to say here because of the stigmatising attached to mental health. I thought about how silly people seem to be when people struggle with a disease of the mind. I hear the chatter. Why is the brain any different than any other organ in the body. Can you imagine two people giggling and chuckling at the fact that Frank has a bad heart, and he can't find any medicine that is helping him, or Sue is on dialysis for her kidneys, hahaha now that is hilarious, or even that breast cancer is raging in Sharon and the chemo isn't touching it. Yet, how many times do you hear in a conversation that Greta that crazy chick just can't seem to get it together. Or hahaha Jim is the luckiest man in the world, he married Jo and she has so many personalities that he has someone new every night.
I have heard of people with physical ailments that are so brave, they fight and fight until they are cured or in the end lose the fight, but how many of us feel the same about people that struggle with, depression, bi-polar, mania, PTSD? People that are depressed are not lazy, just as people who have lung cancer cannot run a marathon. People who are bi-polar are not nuts, they have no control over their moods without the help of a trained doctor. Sometimes it takes years before they find something that helps a brain not working properly. Am I preaching? In a way but I want to help people understand what it feels like to wake each morning feeling overwhelmed, anxious, in a panic, so blue the first thing that you want to do is cry, or not to know what you are doing at all. The mind is so powerful it controls the rest of the organs in the body. If it isn't working properly, nothing seems to work properly.
I am just asking, be gentle with those around you that struggle in this way.

Open Season

Today started pheasant season here at home. Loughlin loved this day as much as Christmas. Oh how I miss you. All the boys went this morning, wishing you were there, here. I love you so much.

2-both crazy, insane, not even close to their own minds.......One judged harshly, the other not at all........Why????????????

Struggling, but also trying to work through the sadness, the guilt, the whys.

Not holding my breath but.......

I am not holding my breath but I have had two pretty good days. The anxiety is manageable and the sadness comes but leaves much quicker. I am grateful, even if it lasts but a moment, to feel close to normal again is incredible but then again, what is normal?

Tired

So tired of thinking, of hurting, of crying, of if onlying, of should having......So tired of expecting something and nothing.......

Panic, fear, anxiety........Every morning when I open my eyes, the room feels as if the oxygen has been depleted. I breath in but there is never any fulfillment. My head spins just enough to nauseate me. I have 5 children to get up and get moving. I struggle through, not wanting them to know where I am at. I have been crazy long enough. Crazy, how long have I been this way. Oh it's been worse, so much worse, times I don't recall, times people remind me of. I am trying now, trying to get through, to be happy, to be successful. Sometimes I feel like staying in bed, pulling the covers over my head, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be seen, to have to talk, today is that day. Breathing is a luxury to me, thinking clearly a gift. The grief now feels so overwhelming, the sorrow uncontainable. It seems the two go hand in hand. I pray for some sort of easement. I pray for strength from my Father. I am waiting. I am trying so hard to make it...........

Life, Faith and Miracles

The lesson in R.S. today was on faith, blessings and miracles. I have had many close friends and family members pray for miracles, only to never see them fulfilled. I am happy for those that have had miracles touch their lives. I am grateful to a kind Heavenly Father that sends some of us the miracles we desire. I know faith is required to receive such blessings. I also know that some of the greatest people in the world don't receive their miracle. I have seen with my own eyes the faith that these wonderful friends, the sincere desire in which they asked for these things, sometimes for themselves but also for their loved ones.

I remember at 17, knowing my beautiful cousin was losing her battle with cancer, being on my knees praying for her to be healed, watching my incredible aunt and uncle suffer as their oldest daughter fought with all of her might to win, I am sure they tried everything they could to aid in her struggle for her life, but their miracle never came.

I also remember watching one of my closest friend's daughter struggle with that same cancer that took my cousin. I don't know if I have ever met greater people than her and her husband. Faith, fasting, blessings, doctors, everything was tried but they never got their miracle either.

Then their is my husband, also and incredibly faithful man and wonderful if I don't say so myself. I watched his father struggle for as many years as I knew him with bad health. Doctors, prayers, fasting, blessings and even after his heart failed him in the hospital praying for a miracle but once again that miracle never came.

All around me there are miracles, big and small happening everyday. Are those lucky few more faithful? I have a firm belief that our Father in Heaven is in control and only He sends those miracles. It isn't a greater faith, or a more righteous few that are the recipients. It is His plan. I am still trying to remember this each day. I believe it takes great faith to go on even after your miracle doesn't come. Faith is to hope for things that are not seen. Miracles are seen, so they do not increase your faith. Having your loved ones taken from you leaving sorrow and emptiness, increases your faith, your hope, your desire for an eternal family.

"Charity suffereth long"

It is difficult to explain the experience of passing through a long trial. Each day is difficult but the cumulative effect of facing challenges day after day magnifies the burden. When we start off on a long journey up a steep mountain, our first steps aren't too hard. As we continue to hike though, all of the steps that came before make each new step harder and harder. If someone hadn't seen the mountain and didn't know what the incline was and only seen us at the summit, they would conclude that we aren't in very good shape or that we aren't very good climbers. When in fact, just the opposite is true, we are in great shape.

It is not wise to compare our crosses, although many of us get caught up in doing just that. Each of us have struggles and trials, not everyone is equal. This is one of my biggest burdens in this life. I have a hard time with the fairness of it all. I want a game to be fair. I want punishment to be fair. I want life to be fair, but none of these things ever come about. I need to find enough faith to understand that God is in control, not me. If I could do just that, the guilt that I feel might be lifted and my hearts burden be eased.

If life didn't have to move forward and your kids would stay the same age as when you lost your child, it would be so much easier. I watch Cyrus grow, what seems like everyday. He is taller than me now. He looks so grown up. I can't stop my mind from wondering what Loughlin would look like, how tall he would be, what he would be doing. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his shoes on my kitchen floor, his backpack in the doorway. I miss him wanting to go hunting every minute of every day. I missed him so much fishing on Saturday. He loved it so much. 17, he would be blessing the Sacrament, driving, dating. I watch his friends in church and it hurts my heart. Today I am struggling, struggling to catch my breath, struggling to see a silver lining in this life. The anxiety is overwhelming. God help me to see my blessings and recognize the love that surrounds me. Please help heal my broken heart.

Happy Birthday Son!

Today you would be 17 and it is so hard not to sit and wonder what you would be, what you would look like, what you would be doing...Every minute of each day I miss you. The hole you left in our lives will never be filled. It always seems like something is missing everywhere we go. We are going to the dam today to fish, something you loved to do. I hope Heavenly Father blesses us today that we might feel you near, feel your love......

17 years ago today.......

17 years ago today, Harlen and I were living and taking care of his Grandpa. While walking up the stairs my water broke, but my labor never started. Later in the afternoon the doctor asked us to come in and he would start me on the pit. It seems like yesterday. We were so excited for this new baby to come into our lives. We went to the hospital with both blue and pink because we wanted it to be a surprise. 8 hours of labor and a beautiful 8lb 10 oz baby boy came into this world. He would be born at 12:05 am the next day.

Tomorrow Loughlin will be 17. We miss him so much, my heart aches with every passing moment today.

Putting your faith in the right place.

In the last few months I have done some deep investigating into my soul and my psyche. I always thought I had strong faith, an unwavering testimony. I never thought that I put too much of that faith in the people around me but I did. After losing Rhiannon, I turned to my Savior for relief from the pain. I didn't have anyone else to turn to. I don't think I realized how much I laid at his feet. He gladly received my pain, my questions, my anger. In return I felt His love, His healing.

After losing Loughilin, I was so sad and angry. I felt complete responsibility for his death. I had been driving, I hadn't seen the truck, I had made Loughlin switch places with Cyrus. I was so hard on them. I was trying to be a good mom. I was trying to do what was asked of me. It seemed I always fell so short, on motherhood, housekeeping, being a good wife, book keeping, irrigating or being a student. Whatever I tried, I felt inadequate. If only I had been living more righteous this would have never happened. If only I had told him I loved him that morning or every morning. If I had taken him to get his permit or given him that 15th birthday party. I should have. I am rambling and my thoughts are amiss but I am trying to make a point. It wasn't just after his death but throughout my whole marriage, I never felt capable of much. I knew my every fault but I never could see what I did well. I still struggle with this concept. Because of this feeling of inadequacy, I put my faith in others, I stole my strength from others. Loughlin's death and the trials that followed took my sorrows and anger to new depths. I was angry mostly at God and how could I put my faith in someone that had taken so much. I tried to go to him but I was kicking and screaming and pounding on that door. I remember thinking ,"Ask and it shall be given you, knock and it shall be open", but the door not only felt closed but dead bolted. I never felt a molecule of the Spirit around me, maybe close after his death, I felt His arms around me but the more dark I became the less light was to be held. Not until I read, A Grief Observed, CS Lewis did I understand that happening. He said something close to who would open a door when a crazed lunatic is on the other side, yelling and screaming and cursing his name, kicking and punching anything that came close to them. I had to hit rock bottom, I had to become humble again. Now I knock and he answers, I cry out to him but with a sincere voice and he listens. He has changed my heart, has allowed me to love again, to empathize again, to see some good in my existence. I had to humble myself to know that I couldn't get through this without some help from doctors and counselors, It was a process. It is hard to admit such a thing but after trying some of the meds, I have realized I should have been on the medicine since I was a teenager. I had thought death an answer to my problems, not that I would have done that but I wished each day not to wake, or for something awful to happen to me, the pain, sadness, fear, anxiety so great that I couldn't see a way out. Today I have learned that only through my Savior can I make it, only through my obedience to his teachings will I find my way home again. That is where I am placing my faith. People are human and the fail sometimes, but Christ will never fail us.

The result in this, is a greater love for my husband and children and hope again. I feel so solemn in the promise of hope. It calms my aching heart, eases the fear and anxiety I wake up with. I still haven't found the right medicine but I have found some that help. I can see the light again. I can slow down my thoughts enough to solve some of my problems. I am a work in progress.

It isn't Fair but.......

Elaine Shaw Sorensen said,"Grace transcends mortal rules of justice. Life is not a mechanical scale of effort or suffering on one side balanced by the appropriate reward on the other. Life is a process of growth, where growth itself becomes the reward. I tired long ago of hearing promises of some future mortal reward equal to my suffering, as when well-meaning friends foresee financial security or loving companionship in a future whose happiness will outweigh the sadness of my past. The deceiving logic of such an idea implies that when life goes on, droning with problems, with no glory in sight, I am not yet worthy or perhaps have not yet suffered enough. That is unsettling, when all around, those apparently less righteous or less tried seem to be reaping the glorious gifts of this earth.
The fact is that trials are neither distributed equally nor sorted according to a subsequent and matching earthly or heavenly treasure. Problems are neither price nor penance for credit toward some misconceived idea of payment. Instead life itself, even eternal life, with growth, hope and peace promised by the Savior's Atonement, becomes its own reward, offering divine gifts of the Spirit. The proving question is not What will I gain or achieve but Who will I become?"

I found this quote yesterday in a book that I bought at Seagull. It struck me. Since Loughlin's death, I have had numerous people tell me that everyone suffers, everyone has trials, this is just another trial for me and I need to cope with it. I would look and see that seemingly everyone around me had all of their children and loved ones. They were smiling. Where would there trials be? The answer to my question was that not all trials are out for the world to see but I was sure in my mind that if a trial is great enough the world sees it. This is the first time that I have read that not everyone is equal, that your life won't miraculously turn into bliss overnight because you have suffered so. We are not as Job and everything will not be returned to us 10 fold. Sometimes you will struggle through life. Sometimes trials bring on new trials and new trials but one thing I have found is that it does no good to run or to bury your head in the sand, or to turn away from God. I was not swallowed by a great fish but by darkness nonetheless. I feel as though I have been spit out and now I understand what I must do and through my Savior's Love, He will make it possible for me to endure to the end and find joy once again.

10 months

Not one call in 10 months, except when you were forced. Is this how it is suppose to be?

Leprosy would be a gift, to be banished to my own island with ones who feel the same as me, would be a relief.

With Him

I want to write about so many things today. I want to blame my angst on someone. I want to vent and scream and pout and cry. I want someone to understand. I want to talk about dropping balls and saying sorry to others and a lot of things but I am just angry and sad and having so much self-pity. I want to strike out in this anger and hit whatever is closest, whatever I can reach, with as much energy as I have left, but then my soul is saying, haven't you been angry long enough, haven't you tried hard enough to help others understand, haven't you tried to carry this burden by yourself. Give it to the only One that can help, that can understand, realize you are nothing without Him and He is the only thing that matters, with Him everything is possible without Him, well you have tried that.

A few Quotes.....

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."- C.S. Lewis

I read C.S Lewis' , A Grief Observed this last week and loved it, have started it again. I think it would be great reading for anyone that has lost someone close to them or would like to know what it feels like to lose someone you love.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."- C.S. Lewis

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."- C.S. Lewis

It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever it is, matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."- C.S. Lewis

I was lost.......

Luke 15:3-7 (King James Version)
3And he spake this parable unto them, saying,
4What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?
5And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
6And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.
7I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

One sinner that repenteth........Do you only rescue after repentance or see it in your heart to help as the sheep stands on a cliff overlooking the ocean with no other place to go?

Shout it from the Rooftops!

Doesn't it seem every time we turn on the TV there is some politician telling us that they are helping us....or a so called star telling us how great they are....or a new medicine that is going to change the world but then again if you have to tell me you are helping me or that you are wonderful or that you can cure me, you probably can't or you probably aren't. What is that old adage???? Actions speak louder than words, or get up off your knees and get busy...I could go on but I think you get the jest.

Luke 18:9-14
9And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
10Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.
11The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.
12I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.
13And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.
14I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

"Lord Save Me"

When I was young I spent a lot of time at the swimming pool. I was remembering this morning that one of my favorite things to do was to walk around the pool on the edge of the gutter. I was always trying to make it around the whole pool without losing my balance. I was a great swimmer so if I did fall I could always get myself to the ledge and climb back out. I remember plenty of times people getting in the way of my goal and me finding a way to maneuver around them, yet sometimes they were the reason I lost my balance and fell in. In my life I have had wonderful people who have tried to help me get to the end of my journey, that knew I frequently lost my way and yet never judged, knew the obstacles that were placed before me, maybe never felt the same obstacles but were close enough to me to see my struggle but on the other hand I have had many who inadvertently or purposely blocked my way. Maybe if given the benefit of the doubt, they were trying to make it harder, to make me stronger. Yet sometimes it felt as if they were standing on the cement and thought it funny to give me a big push and now days I am not a great swimmer and do not love the water. As those that have pride in their own heart want to punish or make me stronger stand on the side of this pool, as I struggle to catch my breath and even as I doggy paddle my way to the ledge, use their foot to push me under, so that I cannot hold on any longer, so that I sink into the darkness once again. I am holding my breath hoping when I emerge, they have moved out of my way so that I can pull myself out or so that someone who actually wants to help me can stand in their place and reach their arm out like the Savior did to Peter, because I am crying out "Lord save me".

Understanding

I always tried to give others the benefit of the doubt but I am starting to believe that most have to touch a stove to know it's hot. I wanted to believe that to some degree someone might know that after losing two children a mom's anger might be hard to explain. That waking one morning after you missed your alarm to feed your two week old baby girl, to find her cold and lifeless, blood coming from her nose, to watch your mom work for what seemed a lifetime breathing air back in her lungs, knowing all of the time that she was gone , and somehow you made it through, that you found your way back from that abysmal place, some how you found a way to move on to find joy in your life, to love again, to enjoy your children, to think you got six more babies past the stage of wondering if they would live through the night only to be doing what you thought was best for them and keeping them off that horrible bus and driving them to school, not to see that truck, but now responsible for yet another cold lifeless child laying next to you, knowing you would never enjoy his graduation, his marriage, his mission, his first baby, never to feel his arms around me telling me he loves me ever again on this earth. Anger is a second emotion to cover up the massive sorrow that still lingers in my heart, the questioning, the self pity that I know that I am putting myself through but sometimes feel helpless to claw my way out of it. To have someone try to explain to me that I have to find what is important in life, all of those things marriages, missions, baby's blessings that I will never experience with my two children. Do you really think I don't know what is important? In some corner of your mind don't you know that I am trying with every cell in my body to swim in this mighty current? Sometimes I may go under and curse the name that has given me these waves but at other times I know this is as a trip to the dentist and it is painful but He loves me and wants me to make it through and that I love Him for keeping his arms around me even though I kick and scream and yell out in agony at the state of my being, my soul, my heart. Why can't you see it?

Doubt is a Trader

Still so deeply set in my grief, then the doubt sets in about God and heaven and everything that might somehow aid in my sorrow, and I am left with the emptiness. If I could ask for a gift it would be to have my faith back, the way it was before my life was turned inside out. Yet again, if we could ask I would ask for my two children back in my life then my faith would be intact. So much guilt, so much pain. Cy is now older than Loughlin when he died. I long to see my boy, yet I have a feeling he is no longer a boy but a man.

Missing and Traveling

Harlen and I just got home from dropping True off at football camp at BYU and leaving the rest of the kids at Nana's and Papa's for 4 days. It is incredible how quiet my house is. I miss them but it makes me miss Loughlin even more. He loved going to Utah. He had a great friend down in Mapleton. He would have loved to go to camp at BYU. The gnawing is almost unbearable. I feel so horrible still about the accident. I feel such a responsibility for his death. I know in my heart it was an accident but it is so hard not having him with us. Our family hardly did anything when we weren't together. There is always an empty chair, a voice missing, a piece of our heart that is gone, that can never be replaced.

Cherishing the days

This last week has been wonderful. Everything turned out as good as possible for us. I feel blessed. I even attended church with my family on Sunday. I still don't know what I believe but I am trying to find my way again. I know I love my husband and my kids more than anything in the world. I am thankful once again for the prayers in our behalf. Grateful.

Strength

I am praying for strength, for someone to step forward and help me get through this tangled web of confusion and roadblocks I have created for my family. I need a miracle this week. This family has been through so much. We just need some breathing time together so once again we can start a healing process.

Shoes and Flowers

I spent last week buying new shoes for all 5 kids. They are now ranging in sizes from a 12 in men's down to a 13 in kids. I hate to spend much on shoes for the summer. They never last until school starts and some how they always end up irrigating, out working in the garden, or herding cows. 5 pairs of shoes....... At the same time I was buying flowers for a grave, wishing I could buy one more pair of shoes. Asking God still, why? Because I can't get the question out of my mind, still not really dealing with reality that I will never see my boy again on this earth, Wishing, every time I leave my house that I will come home to his laugh, his smile, his shoes in the middle of my kitchen floor. Oh I miss him everyday, every hour and I don't know when that gnawing will ease or if it ever will. I am praying again, not sure if anyone is listening but I am trying.

The Suburban

I came across this picture by chance just yesterday. I was searching for another accident that had happened in our area and our suburban was the result. I have looked for this image many times without success. I never understood when I heard the phrase, you were lucky that only one was lost. I understand now how someone could say that. It has brought back the memories, the nightmares.

Rhiannon's Birthday

It feels just like yesterday I held you in my arms. I love and miss you so much. You were so beautiful. Your spirit made me want to be a better person. Your death made me realize, so young, how important every minute of life here on Earth is.

Can't breath. Throat aches from trying. Head is spinning. Having a hard time thinking. Heart is beating. Feel it in my neck, my head, my chest, my legs. Can't see any light at the end. How did we get here? Can they take them from us? Why? Why did all this happen? Who still believes I'm strong? I am not. Mother's Day alone. Rhiannon's birthday alone. Alone in my thoughts and yet muster enough strength for homework, for cooking, for cleaning. I must. I can't give up. It is too important. Oh God send me the strength, the Hope, the Faith I need to endure.

Rock Bottom

Never say it can't get any worse because it usually will. My family needs prayers more than ever. I have made mistakes that have sent our lives spiralling out of control. I am needing to find my will to fight, yet I am so tired, putting the dishes in the dishwasher is more than I want to attempt.

I am grateful for friends who stay by us through it all.

Day #9 Starting again.....

I know I have been absent for a while but life has once again got in the way.

Today I thought I would talk about how much Loughlin loved all the wild rides at lagoon, Disneyland and even the carnival. His life was anything but wild though. He was calm. He was loving. He loved nature and his family and friends. He loved to just take the day and enjoy the outdoors.

Since Loughlin left us here on Earth my life has felt like a really long ride on a roller coaster that I never bought tickets for. I want off. I would like to be a spectator at all of the other people riding this crazy ride we call life.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer last week. The coaster took a dive down below the loading ramp. We thought the surgery went well on Wednesday. I felt the slow ride back up to where I could breath again but yesterday the test results came back with not such great news. Only half way up and the roller caster headed down again, how far I don't know. Friday they will go back in and try again. I love my dad. He has always been there for me, never judged, only loved, wishing he could trade places with me, if not just for a while. He is so much like his mom and my Grandma that I miss so much. How I wish she was here to put her arms around me and my dad. I know she would make me smile again.

Miss you so much Loughlin and Rhiannon. If you have any pull up there at all, tell Him I need my dad here with me for a lot longer. He has taken enough great ones from this Earth for a while.

Day # 8

Countdown to our sale is at 3 days. It is the biggest day of the year for our family, a kind of make it or break it ordeal. Cy and True have been helping their dad wash bulls for the last few days. Which has got me thinking about how much Loughlin didn't like working with the cows. Once when Maya was very small, Loughlin had taken her with him on the 4-wheeler to help his dad get some bulls in. One of the bulls came at him and he told me he felt helpless to protect his little sister. Since that day the cattle made him jumpy. He tried so hard to help out but sometimes it would just get to be too much and he would throw his rope down and stomp back to the house. I remember smiling and knowing he was going to do something so much bigger. He was so smart and had it all together. It is so hard knowing that his life was cut down way to soon.

And on the 7th day......

We should rest, but their is no rest from this agony known as grief. It comes in waves. It comes in typhoons. It comes in so many forms but everyday it comes.

Today was a difficult one. I went to yell down to wake up the boys this morning and I felt my lips form the sound of Lough.....A year and 4 months later and yet the longing for him, to come up the stairs, wanting bacon for breakfast is overwhelming. It seems the heartache is worse than ever before. I miss him so much. I love the man he was becoming. I love the incredible teenager he was and I especially love all of the memories I have of him growing up.

On this day I want to talk about a special bond Loughlin had with another young man in our area. Another friend who has had his share of trials and ups and downs, and now who is also lost, not physically but into some corners of his mind. I am sure his mom misses him just like I miss Loughlin. His name is Brandon and he played an important part in the growth and learning of Loughlin. He taught Loughlin many lessons, patience, unconditional love and courage. Loughlin loved him so much. Tuesday his parents made a hard decision to place him in a new home. The night before he left we went to visit and the few words Brandon spoke to us were asking about Loughlin. What a gift for me and his siblings. Brandon I am sure you miss Lough, as we miss you.

Day #6

Loughlin L-O-V-E-D his mom's chocolate chip cookies. He would always sneak the dough and when I told him no more, I would always sneak some into the fridge for him for later. He would then devour the cookies, sometimes dipped in milk, sometimes running out the door.

I have only made my cookies once since the accident. It is so hard to make them knowing Loughlin won't be here to give me a big thumbs up and a hug. Miss you so much buddy.

Day #5

Loughlin loved scouts, even though his mom didn't. He had some pretty great leaders: Mark, Troy, Brett and especially his DAD! He loved to go almost everywhere and was so excited for the campouts, the food and was great at the air soft gun fights. He only had his Eagle Scout project to finish before he received his Eagle. They awarded us with "The Spirit of the Eagle' after Loughlin died because of his hard work and all that helped him get that far. Thank you to all the great men in his life who made this so much fun for my son.

Day #4

Games......

Loughlin loved to play games, any kind of games. He loved playing board games with his dad and his uncle Dion. It was always an all nighter with his brothers and cousins whenever Dion made the trip from Arizona for the Family Reunion. Loughlin also loved to make up outside games with his siblings, the problem was he was very good at changing his rules to benefit his abilities half way through the game. He was incredibly clever and had a way to make any rule he came up with seem reasonable. I miss his smiling but serious face, sitting at the table, always wanting to stay up just a few minutes longer to play that one more round..

Day #3

Last night Harlen and I went out for a much needed date. While eating dinner I spotted a Ty Monkey on the shelf. I had to bring it home it reminded me of how much Loughlin loved Lea. A special bond was formed between those two on the day she was born. They were so much a like. He always said that the hospital must have switched Lea's brain with a monkeys before we brought her home. He was forever hanging her upside down and she would squeal with delight. Lea always talks about her brother. She misses him so much. He had so much patience with her and that was not like Loughlin to have so much patience.

Day #2

No particular order or importance.

Loughlin loved to hunt pheasants and many times after school and on the weekends he would take off with his dog, Little Anne, and go hunting. He loved to be outside by himself. He loved when he got one but the important thing to him was going. He loved hunting with his dad or cousin Nick, when bull buyers showed up to hunt, he was always willing to show them the hot spots as long as he could tag along. I never cooked one for him. I hate game but I sure wish I would have found a good way to prepare it just for him. Love you my great young man.......

On my knees......

One year and 3 months after and yet today the sadness brought me to my knees. I visited his grave today. The anger and bitterness made me physically sick, so much so I had a hard time making it back to the car. I miss him with every molecule of my being. He was so intertwined in my life that I have a hard time knowing how to move on without him.

In the last month I have made some really bad decisions. Decisions that might change my entire life, my family and my future. I have been plagued by trials that happened after the death of my son that have affected my mind in ways I could not even begin to explain. I am trying to come to terms with my wrong choices and with the consequences of not finding help when I so needed it.

So today I have decided to make my blog into a remembrance of my son's life. For as long as I can, I am going to write each day about something Loughlin loved. I am hoping to make it 365 days with a new memory each day. I would love to share my son with you..........

Loughlin's favorite food was Cattle Drive Chili. He would have ate it everyday if his mom would have let him. He found new ways to enjoy this staple from hot dogs to chili burgers. It was even more appealing to him because he could make it on his own and he did every time I cooked something he wouldn't eat, which was quite often. Loughlin was a very picky eater. The cans sit on my shelf so much longer without him here.....

Birthdays

It has been so long since I have felt like being on this blog. So many judge when I write my true feelings, but this blog is my outlet. It is here to help me heal, help me get through my feelings. You can follow along this journey with me, but your judgement is not welcomed. You have not walked in my shoes. You have never felt my heart, my breathlessness, my anxiety.

Tomorrow is my 4oth birthday. I have had a very hard time dealing with this. It is not a vanity thing. I am sure I will look the same tomorrow as I do today; it is the amount of time I have spent wondering how, at forty, I arrived in this place in my life. I am trying to find my way through this fog of heartache, of unbelief, of lovelessness. At forty you should know what you want, you should know where you are going, but all I know is where I have been. I am bitter. I am sad. I am tired. I feel as if I am 90. I wish I were. I wish I was done with this existence and yet I want so much more.....

My only wish for this day, I can not have, that there be no empty chairs in my house. I don't want jewelry or flowers or even clothes and shoes. I want that feeling back, that feeling that everything is ok, that you will wake up in the morning with a full heart and be grateful. I want to feel empathy again for others who are suffering but I cannot, the bitterness has taken over. I am fighting off the selfishness but it is so easy to just believe, after all I have been through I deserve a little bit of happiness in my life. I deserve to be happy!!!! I just don't know how to get it.