It has been so long since I have felt like being on this blog. So many judge when I write my true feelings, but this blog is my outlet. It is here to help me heal, help me get through my feelings. You can follow along this journey with me, but your judgement is not welcomed. You have not walked in my shoes. You have never felt my heart, my breathlessness, my anxiety.
Tomorrow is my 4oth birthday. I have had a very hard time dealing with this. It is not a vanity thing. I am sure I will look the same tomorrow as I do today; it is the amount of time I have spent wondering how, at forty, I arrived in this place in my life. I am trying to find my way through this fog of heartache, of unbelief, of lovelessness. At forty you should know what you want, you should know where you are going, but all I know is where I have been. I am bitter. I am sad. I am tired. I feel as if I am 90. I wish I were. I wish I was done with this existence and yet I want so much more.....
My only wish for this day, I can not have, that there be no empty chairs in my house. I don't want jewelry or flowers or even clothes and shoes. I want that feeling back, that feeling that everything is ok, that you will wake up in the morning with a full heart and be grateful. I want to feel empathy again for others who are suffering but I cannot, the bitterness has taken over. I am fighting off the selfishness but it is so easy to just believe, after all I have been through I deserve a little bit of happiness in my life. I deserve to be happy!!!! I just don't know how to get it.
5 comments:
You do deserve to be happy and I think you will be again. Time. It stinks wading through it and waiting for things to feel better. Here is something I like when I am dealing with something hard.
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer" -- Rainer Maria Rilke
Sending a big hug your way for your birthday!
Happy Birthday, I'm thinking of you today.
Happy Birthday, friend! Remember that time when I thought you were like 10+ years younger than me? Remember that time? :) You are catching up to me, slowly but surely!
I loved Heather's comment about "wading through it"...such a good analogy. Having never experienced anything like what you (or Heather) have experienced, I'm not an expert, but I do agree with the whole idea of time being one of the healers.
Know that I've been thinking of you (all week actually...I tried calling after the BSU game, but you weren't home...I should've bet you something!)
Know, too, that no matter what, I care about you and all the rest of you for that matter.
Birthday wishes to you. And since it is one you wished for, I hope you get your HAPPY birthday!
I don't know all you've gone through, but I hope you don't feel I've judged. Just go look at my blog where I spew all the ugliness that grief is out to the world! But I've retreated a lot, too, because I feel too many people have criticized (and only my husband and daughter are people I know IRL who actually even read the blog). I need a safe place to just BE in order to process all that grief leaves you processing, and I don't blame you for needing the same thing!
If it makes you feel better, I'm a few years behind you by birth, but I also feel that experience has aged me significantly. I sometimes crave death (not suicidal) because I'm so tired of the trials and unrelenting experiences that are supposed to be for my "good." I don't find having two children die to be a compliment! Too many people try to turn it into that (to make me feel better?) but it just makes it more heavy.
Anyway, I hope you find a way to make today meaningful. Keep holding on...
*HUG* I know the feeling. I hope you have an "okay" birthday anyway though.
~Bethany
Angel Gavin's mom
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