Happy 21st Birthday Cyrus.......busy busy

My Cyrus turned 21 yesterday. He is still at the U of O so our celebration is put off for a couple of weeks.  

We messaged each other in the morning about music. We called later at night.

He sounds great. He sounds happy. I can't wait for him to come home for the summer. 

Happy Birthday Cyrus. I love you more than life itself!

Last night Lea had a game in Vale at 6pm and a choir concert at 7 in Nyssa. (30 minutes apart)

We played 1 1/2 innings in Vale jumped in the van and sped off so she could sing in her concert. The team still won 13-0 and she sang beautifully. 

Maya also had her Select Choir Concert last night. I love to hear her sing. She has this low raspy voice mimicking Stevie Nicks. She is hypnotizing. 

The worst panic attack in years

I have had an interesting 7 weeks. I have felt sick for a lot of it, weak, lightheaded, nauseated, exhausted. Thy have performed a CVC on my blood 3 times. Nothing really telling but my white count is high. We tried a series of antibiotics but nothing changed in the white count.

My insurance booted Maya & me off for no proof of citizenship in the United States. I know haha but it has taken a while to prove our citizenship, actually we are not fully back on yet, but in the mean time my prescriptions came due. One of my meds is $460 for a refill without insurance. I decided I wasn't going to do it. I would go off cold turkey, just quit. It was horrible. I felt probably like a drug addict coming off heroine. I was shaking so bad I couldn't eat or drink without making a huge mess. It felt like my skin was a useless shell. I wanted to crawl out of it, peel it off. It was a rough 5 days. I made it though. I am back on my old med again. I am glad I went through it. My emotions are back. I have laughed more in the last week than I have in years. I have cried too, but at least I have both. Rhiannon's birthday and the stress of True's graduation and party are putting more weight on my shoulders and now softball has started. I am coaching 19 girls on Lea's team this year. Maya is helping but whew! That is stressful. We are 2-0 to start the season though.

Yesterday Lea hadn't felt good in the morning so I just kept her with me. We did a few errands around town. One of those errands was straightening out the workmen's comp insurance again....... The office is right across the street from the fire department...............
The sirens went off. It was deafening. I was paralyzed. I don't know if I actually took a breath once in the time it took me to get to the door. I wrote 2 checks and told them whatever happens just call me and I headed for the door. The siren seemed to blare for hours, days, decades. I made it to my car. Lea holding my hand the whole way. "It's ok mom',"Everybody is ok, mom" . I wanted to rush to my family. Check everyone. Do I dare drive? OMG when will this noise stop? Fire truck after fire truck rushing by. Is that an ambulance. I am sick. I am physically sick. My head is spinning. 'Just Breathe'. All I am required to do at this moment is breathe. I can do this. I don't have any meds with me. I have to do this. I have to pull it together. Who will get my kids? Who will coach the game? Who? Why does this still haunt me. I am back in the ambulance 7 yrs ago. My son is dead. I am back in my room 28 years ago my baby is dead. Why must their be the sound of the sirens? I am here. Where are my babies? Where is Harlen. What if they are going to them? What if it is them that is hurt, dead?  Breathe, you just have to breathe. My feet are numb. My hands are shaking. My lips are tingling. I have 5 minutes to get it together. 5 minutes to pick up the kids. OMG I am not going to make it. Loughlin is dead. Rhiannon is dead. The sirens, they won't stop. I plug my ears but I can still hear. I can still see them lying there, cold, dead. Breathe. Lea sing to me, just sing me a song, any song. Sing me your new song the one you made up last night. I love it. I love you so much. You are pulling me out. You are alive. Maya & Giles are fine. True & Kevin are with Harlen. Everyone is ok. I am going to make it. I am going to live. The panic is subsiding. The shaking is controllable. I will make it home. I will make it to the game and we will actually win. I conquered it.

Have I told you how much I hate sirens of any kind?

Weddings, Graduations, and Rhiannon's Birthday

Today is Sunday May 15th. 28 years ago I was going into labor with my daughter that I had planned to give up for adoption. 28 years ago I was 18.

Harlen and I went out for a date last night. We are planning True's graduation party and getting announcements out. He asked me about my graduation, funny that isn't in his nature. I have to admit I haven't thought about my graduation probably since I graduated. I wasn't the typical high school graduate. I never was a friend/crowd kind of kid. I bucked the system, despised authority, and I was 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I had home schooled for the month before giving birth, before that I didn't show and there was no point in leaving school. I came back 1 week before graduation just after giving birth. I would go to school and then go to the hospital where Rhiannon was, because of blood sugar problems. She was an accutane baby. She had this cute little curled ear to prove my disregard for precautions in taking dangerous meds and having sex. I was a rebel. I didn't care about much. When she was born I didn't hold her. I was afraid of not being able to give her up. 18 hrs later I found out the adoptive parent had backed out and she was alone. They didn't want a defective baby. This turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. I got to spend 2 weeks with a beautiful little girl that changed my life, not all at once, but in little increments. She showed me unconditional love and showed me how to give it in return.

Any way back to graduation, I went. I graduated. I came home to my little Rhiannon that my aunt Mary had been babysitting, no party, no drinking, no stupid decisions. I had already made so many. I was an adult, and yet I wasn't. 4 days later she was dead. Monday May 16th, 1988 my life changed forever. Monday May 30th it changed again. It changed positively and negatively. It showed me a love that I had never felt before. It created a distrust of mankind that has never gone away. It created a bond between my kids before and after they were born. Those 9 months, but especially the last 2 weeks formed my life in ways I would have never planned. Rhiannon was my blessing.

My mailbox has been full of wedding announcements of Loughlin's friends in the last months, graduation announcements from college. Don't get me wrong I love these kids. The were a big part of Loughlin's life. I am so happy for them. But the invites are a not so subtle reminder of what my life is missing and it is hard to smile through. Rhiannon 28, Loughlin graduating from college. Time keeps moving, spinning. I wish I knew a better way to look forward to my future. Rhiannon & Loughlin are constantly on my
mind these last few days. I love them and miss them so much.

Another Mother's Day and Maya turns "Sweet 16"

This year Maya's birthday and Mother's day landed on the same day. I really love it when that happens. I have a reason to celebrate the day. Maya turned 16 this year, and it is named exactly for her "Sweet 16". My beautiful baby girl is beyond sweet all of the time. She is fun. She makes life exciting and fun most of the time. She has so many friends in life because she really is nice. She is my biggest fan. I love her more than I could ever describe in the English language. She is going to have a giant party when her friends are done with all of their sports. Happy Birthday my beautiful, smart, fun, happy, hilarious daughter!

On Saturday night we went out to eat at Mongolian BBQ followed by bowling, not always my favorite, but bowling with all my favorite people was fun. The next morning Cyrus took me to breakfast with McKayla and her mom Lawanda before Cyrus had to go back to the U of O. I had so much fun. Cyrus has the best sound system in his car and the drive back was so enlightening, a little Bob Dylan, Jimmy Hendrix, Blake Mills. I got the best and thoughtful gifts. From Harlen I received my favorite perfume that I had just emptied that morning, Cyrus gave me a Pearl Jam vinyl. True gave me 6 1/2 pounds of hot tamales (my favorite) and a few chocolate covered cinnamon bears, that will last me 6 months. Maya and Lea gave some beautiful jewelry and lip sticks. Giles gave me a 12 pack of coke. I wasn't sad at all, until the day had come to an end. I had so much I almost forgot what I was missing, but when I was fatigued the grief socked me in the gut and reminded me that life really never will be the same. That day we laughed and talked. We smiled and ate. We hugged and giggled. We were blessed and in the end I cried. The joy of the day reminded me of how it always was before. I am so thankful for the day of rejoicing, for the feelings of yonder days. I love my family so much, even my added family, Kevin and McKayla. One day this family will begin to grow and change and morph. When that day comes I wonder if I pains of the past will still be felt? Just writing about my feelings brings up the panic and anxiety. 

Let's lighten the mood again. Funny huh? 3 days before Mother's Day Maya had me go through all these funny picture modes on Snapchat.  

We were laughing so hard. It felt so good. At least it makes me look skinny. hahaha. She posted this on her FaceBook. Most mom's would freak but she wrote I am posting this because I love you so much and I love to make you smile. I hope life is changing . I love to laugh again. 

Nightmares

I made it 4 nights after the trial before the Nightmares hit again. I have a version of what happened that day. I have my version of where everyone was after the accident. There were 2 sheriffs and an EMT that each had their version of how things were that testified. Maya never woke up in my version. She did in the sheriff's version. So then NeuroPsychologists argue the effects of Maya knowing or not knowing that her brother was laying next to her, dead. Does she remember? Has she stuffed these memories deep in her psyche? There was no argument on her Traumatic Brain Injury and learning disabilities.

But what this has done to me is opened up that huge gaping wound that I have spent years stitching closed. The testimony about how this was the worst accident that the EMT had come across or that one of the sheriffs had quit because of the trauma of the job. The picture makes you wonder how any of us lived.

You see I can't quit. I am in this for the long haul. I am in this for better and for the worse. I am here watching kids make poor choices because they don't know what PTSD is and they wouldn't get help if they did, only the weak admit to needing help. I am weak. I am once again in an abyss. I lived through the worst holiday this last weekend, Easter. I hate it. It is like that carrot being strung out in front of the horse to get it it to move, but this horse is dead and buried. The promise I am asked to listen to is hurtful to one with no hope.

Some Things are Better Left Unsaid .

For the last 3 days Harlen, Maya and I have been in court for 9 hours. Well Maya came and went as they needed her. We didn't want her sitting through all of the testimony. Yesterday the ruling came down from the jury. It was very good news for Maya. She will get her needs met for school and beyond. We are finally done with everything legal related to the accident. You would think I would be elated, jumping for joy, but I find myself barely climbing out of bed. I am down, so down. I believe in some sick way that through this pain I was holding on to a memory of Loughlin. I was holding on to the last time I was with him, that I could touch his skin, feel his hair, tell him I loved him. I know sick. Why would I want that excruciating pain? Pain is better than the void. Pain is better than nothingness. Pain is better than the abyss that is coming my way.

The other reason for the pain? I spent 3 days having specialists and Dr's tell me that because of that day, 7 1/2 years ago, October 27, 2008, Just driving to school, my mistake, my fault, my culpability, my beautiful baby girl will not ever be what I have promised her she always could be. 

I heard evidence piled upon evidence that Maya will not be able to make it through college, she will not probably be able to get the job she has always wanted, a teacher. I knew she struggled. I helped her, her teachers helped her, but on her own she will not be able to do it. I knew these things, but it took a Dr. and a lawyer to explain to me that her dreams are just dreams. I am heartbroken for her. I have instilled in her a love for higher learning and how important it will be in her life. She wanted to be a Math teacher. Even if she graduates from college, will she make it through a job with her learning disabilities because of the Traumatic Brain Injury. They said no. My guilt grows and grows. I will continue to help her. She is a beautiful smart girl with so much life. She testified yesterday. I saw it all. I saw what they were testifying about for 3 days. How could I have been so blind. Maya, I am so sorry. Ignorance is certainly on the side of bliss, but our life has not been blissful for a long time.

2 Down 1 to Go

Two weeks ago we settled Giles' case out of court with an arbitrator. In Oregon law there is a top to an award with an arbitrator. We were not asking for that much, but the arbitrator watched Giles struggle so much through his testimony that he awarded Giles the max. It was a relief not to have to go through anymore of this with Giles. I think it woke the insurance company up a bit.

Friday we had a mediation with the judge on True's case. It took about 4 hrs but we ended up with a reasonable amount that will take care of True's upcoming bills for his teeth and some for further counseling in his life. I was grateful to have it over. True was also. It feels like some of the weight is off my shoulders.

Monday is Maya's trial, yes trial. The insurance company is showing their teeth and they are pointed and jagged and thirsty for blood. They have no intentions of settling with us. They believe they are standing on principles. I believe they are standing on the heartache and disabilities of my daughter. I am firm at this point. After the hell they have put us through for 7+ years I will die before I let them win, even if I have to take 2 valiums a day to get through. She is worth it. She is worth my world. I would give it all up just for her to have a fighting chance. They owe her that. Exactly what is insurance for?

I am having a Panic Attack / Anxiety Attack

Before I left to take Maya, I passed the heifers calving in the field. I saw one that had her uterus a bit out so I went to investigate. As I was driving down the dirt road I saw a red heifer flat ot moving and her calf almost out not moving either. I lost it. I couldn't get anyone on the phone. Harlen finally answered and by that time I was frantic. Instead of helping me calm down he yelled at me for getting excited about the heifer. He told me no cow is worth that. Well I hate to see anything dead. I don't care what it is. It shook me up horribly. I jumped out of the van and ran down the hill. She moved and jumped up, the calf started to breath. Everything turned out ok. Then I tried to calm down.

Yesterday I took Maya's friends out on a date as their chaperon. I really do love Maya's friends. She has been blessed in life with an abundance of different friends that have mostly loved and supported her through the years. They had so much fun.

On the way home I started having a panic attack. My plates are expired. I found out a couple of days before but have not had time to renew them. I am deathly afraid of police, not police themselves but the sirens and the lights and the authority that comes along with them. My dad taught me at an early age to question authority and I have. It is part of my personality and is ingrained in my mind. I hate the sirens and lights because it is an intricate part of my PTSD for the last 7 years. I couldn't sleep last night. I got up so many times. I was so thirsty, nothing would come close to quenching it. So the lack of sleep just feeds the panic.

I am exhausted to feel this intent flight or fight feeling for such a long period of time without reprieve. I have been sleeping on and off throughout the day. My chest is heavy. I am dizzy. I am nauseated. My head is spinning.I wish I knew a way to ease this feeling. I wish I could be whole again. It seems and over the top dirty trick to lose to children in this horrible existence but then have this disease attached to you. I want to feel normal again, but I can't remember what normal is.

Going Back

Giles has been out of school for 2 weeks. He is horribly behind. In fact so far behind that he might never catch up. He is fighting going back. Wednesday we tried to get him to go back but he got so anxious he was actually sick to his stomach. Thursday, Harlen got him in the car and started towards the school but by the time they got there Giles was inconsolable. He went in only to leave. Friday we didn't even try. He went with Harlen to deliver bulls to Washington. He wants to run away. I feel for him. The sad part of this is Cyrus went through this after the accident. We left him crying and made him go. It was the worst thing I ever did to Cyrus. I should have took him back home, loved him and had patience with him, because it really scarred him. Maya after her SCFE operation I threw her back into school when she was already struggling. Life never got better for her in Adrian again. Giles is sitting in the recliner watching "Psyche" and crying, telling me how hard it is. Another fork in the road. Which is the right way? My heart wants to keep him home, protect him, but my mind knows he needs to go back and face his fears, his anxiety. I am not one to show him an example of facing your fears. I wish I could take it away from him. I love him so much. He is still my baby boy.

Scars

I have a scar from the accident. It isn't very big and the Dr.'s that sewed me up did a very good job of hiding it. They did a good job of hiding it from everyone but me. I see it every time I look in the mirror. I see it every time I put my contacts in, comb my hair, brush my teeth, put on my makeup (especially my mascara). I feel it every time I get my eyebrows waxed or I dare pluck them myself. It isn't that painful, but I feel it. Physically that scar will always be with me. The worst part of it is though emotionally it is a sickening reminder of what happened, what happened to my life, my family, my marriage, my happiness. It is just there, camouflaged by my eyebrows, but there is no way I can camouflage the feelings it brings on. I can't bury that I am responsible for the death of my son. I can't shroud the fact that all of my kids struggle with our new existence. Scars are funny like that.

On the other hand it is my proof that I have made it this far. I am tired and life seems overwhelming right now. We had our sale on Tuesday. It went well. 2nd highest sale ever, but it is hard to be happy anymore. I am tired of trying so hard just to survive.

Hasten in the Arbitration

Today at an early hour we headed off to yet another meeting with the lawyers. This time with Giles. Each of my kids have been affected by the accident and subsequent death of their brother in their own unique way. The boys are stuffers. They stuff their feelings. Then the hurt comes out in anger, and depression. They do not like being confronted with the memories. Giles has tucked his trauma away. He doesn't even remember where he was sitting in the suburban when it happened. You would think that would be a good thing, but it isn't. Because these memories come out in ugly ways. Giles has outbursts of anger that last days. He can't calm down. He hates that he is brother that is left out of the mix. He shows sadness more than any of his other brothers. A song might remind him of what he misses. Today he had to show 2 lawyers and an arbitrator what he feels. He was Giles. I was proud of him. He held up well. Why is this still happening 7+ years after the fact.

Giles before the accident.

Why don't you understand me?

I spent 2 days last week at 2 hospitals with 2 of my boys. True is 17 and had a tonsillectomy on Monday. Harlen had to stay the night with him because at 7am the next morning Giles had to have emergency surgery in Boise, St. Luke's on both his hips. He was also diagnosed with SCFE Slipped Capitol Femoral Epiphysis, which Maya had 3 years ago. He had long screws inserted into both femur bones.
I have been a basketcase. I hate hospitals. I hate my kids being under the knife, under anesthesia. I hate the reminders of 7+ years ago. I hate the smell. I hate the carpet. I hate the plates and utensils. I hate the beds. I hate watching them in pain.I hate explaining why someone in our family died before the age of 25. I hate being nice when the anxiety is eating me up inside. I hate when people who should understand my plight are completely oblivious. This isn't anything like before. At least they are doing well. No one died you should be grateful. YES grateful. Do I look like I am not happy everything went well? Well I don't mean to. I mean to look relieved, but I am full of sadness, and anger, and panic, and panic, and anxiety, and did I mention panic.

Sure you look at me like I am crazy, that I can't handle a simple surgery. I see it. You tell me boy you are handling this great, but you don't know that I want to run, I want to drink, I want to get rid of this feeling of dread that surrounds me. "Trust in God" Yes because your God has done me well so far.

Please find it in your hearts to help this family

These are my friends Tom & Jen Findling. I have talked about them before. They lost their wonderful son in a horrible house fire. They were both burned terribly and spent months in Utah's burn clinic. Money was earned for them through someone they thought they could trust, but the person ended up defrauding them out of the funds. They are in dire need of money. They have moved out of our community because of the trauma. They lost their phones today because of non-payment and are worried the power is next. Please will you do whatever you can. Even a small amount would help. I love these two. They are salt of the Earth and don't deserve this hardship piled on to an already sad trial.
Tom & Jennifer Findling GoFundMe

A drug to cure fear and maybe PTSD

A drug to cure fear and PTSD

Life

Everything doesn't happen for a Reason.

Everything Doesn't Happen for a Reason

And the stockings were hung by the Chimney with care

Garner Family Christmas Prose 2015

Lea is 11, in 6^th grade, and a Musical Magnifique.

She plays the clarinet. Her voice is stunningly unique.

She spends her time writing songs and performing them out loud.

She is Amaryllis in The Music Man, which she’ll perform in front of a big crowd.

Giles is 13, and had an amazing shot during deer season.

He’s back into yoyos. Who really knows the reason?

He practices and practices, then shows everyone his skills.

He plays Call of Duty online, and brags about his zombie kills

Maya’s a sophomore, and for school she hates to be late.

She hangs out with her friends, and this year had her first date.

She said it was the best day ever, I reminded her, the best day “yet”.

Singing with an impeccable voice, a sweet daughter, she’s the best we could get.

True is a senior, and can’t wait to leave the nest.

Every day after school is another hunting quest.

He hunts ducks, geese, and elk, but his favorite is deer.

With the 1^st Black ½ Charolais, he won Grand Champion 4-H Steer.

Cyrus spent the fall as a junior at the U of O.

Loving Moby Dick and despising Beowolf.

The day his Bob Dylan boxset came was his favorite.

With his beautiful girlfriend, McKayla, his future’s looking bright.

As a rancher, Harlen’s busy keeping everything running smooth

And if you have been around here, you know it is the truth.

He finds time to fit in some hunting in between all the kids’ games.

Then he helps them raise their steers, and enjoys watching their acclaim.

As a mom I love it, and I am not usually one to brag.

But if they gave out an award for the best kids, I’d have it in the bag.

In the summer, Cyrus and I went to a concert, Mumford & Sons.

I am back into politics. I know everything about everyone who runs.

Our family would like to wish yours, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The reason for this season isn’t a puzzle, but perfectly clear.

It isn’t the gifts that you receive, but the ones that you can give.

It isn’t the life that you have had, so far, but the one that you can live.

There isn’t a day that goes by that Loughlin and Rhiannon aren’t in our minds.

And we are so grateful for the love and memories that will forever bind.

Lucky

This is my dog Lucky. He has been my best buddy during the day since just months after Loughlin died. He greets me every morning, every time I come home and he was always the best security system money could buy. He was so sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly. The day we left for my Aunt's funeral some horrible Asshat neighbors shot him dead. They didn't even call. They lied about him chasing their non existing chickens. Their female dog came over to our house in heat and Lucky followed her home. They shot him dead. What kind of people do this? What kind of laws let someone do this. I miss him every moment here. Everyone loved lucky, from the post lady, to the Fed Ex and UPS delivery guy. In fact everyone that came to our house. I am heartbroken. He was 3 legged and the sweetest lab on the planet. Who is there now to cheer me up when I can't do it anymore? I have so much anger and hate in my heart right now. It is hard for me to stay smart. So sad. :(

The Poem I wrote for my Aunt Mary's funeral. I wrote it for her. It isn't what I beleive

When a life is lost

There is a physical cost,

A longing, a yearning a complete heartache.

Yet, Hope is on the horizon, like the sun at daybreak.

The future holds a promise from heaven above.

Offered from our Savior, out of pure, unadulterated love.

He knelt at the Garden of Gethsemane while his friends slept.

He took upon himself all our sins and pain, while the angels wept.

Christ gave his own life so we could forever live,

In God’s presence a gift, He could only give.

So our families will dwell in the eternities together.

Because love never ends but goes on and on forever.

If only we would live our lives in service of one another.

Giving all we have and sharing it with our brothers.

Mary was a Saint who helped anyone in need.

She never followed, but always took the lead,

Her family was her greatest joy, it extended very wide.

Her sons took the greatest part, always by her side.

The daughters she later called her own

The bond was firmly sown.

Her grandchildren she loved each one for who they are..

Her Sisters and her Brothers, in her mind, were never far.

She happily took care of Harvey after her mom passed away.

Losing Susie and her mom were certainly the saddest days.

Her reach didn’t end there but touched the hearts of many friends.

Her influence as an Aunt will never, ever end.

You see Mary was exactly what He meant when He said, “Come follow me”,

And what we all strive to be when we are on bended knee.

Her presence will be forever missed.

We will always remember that last hug and that last kiss.

My Aunt Mary

Last night, after a long hard battle, I lost one of the most important people in my life. She had been fighting congestive heart failure for 20 years. She made it 14 years longer than they gave her, but for me it could never be enough. My Aunt Mary was always there for me. She wasn't afraid to tell me when I was screwing up my life , yet she was always there when it seemed my life was falling apart. She was one of the very few people I got to share Rhiannon with. She babysat for me during my high school graduation, and even though I moved away she never left my side or my heart. I loved her so much, and she always let me know, she loved me. The picture is of her and her 3 incredible sons that always treated her like the star she was. I am gong to miss her more than I could ever explain. On the sweetness scale she scored a high 10. She solved most her problems with kindness and her family never had to wonder if they were loved. Look at her smile and you  will know how she lived her life. The tears won't stop. She said my name as she was passing and I wish I would have been there. 

I will love you forever Mary.

I can see where it happened

From my kitchen window I can see where Loughlin died. So time and time again while I eat or work on the computer or do homework with the kids or just relax with a hot cup of coffee, I see that spot. I feel the guilt building like bile in my stomach. I relive the accident minute by minute, second by second. I picture the graphic scene, my children hurt, maimed, dead. I hear the screams of my children for their dad. I hear my screams telling the world what I have done. This is PTSD. Funny I can't remember what time Maya's Dr.'s appointment is, but I can tell you every little element of that moment when our lives were changed forever. Your mind is a funny organ. I wish i had the power to just move those memories, like in Inside Out, into the memory dump, but it isn't that easy.

Life is cruel even when it's great. Cyrus is doing great at school....A's in his upper division classes. True is doing great too plus football is over forever (yeah) and it is goose hunting season. Maya is always having fun in life and she is so beautiful and talented in everthing she tries. Giles is adapting to school in Nyssa great. He is getting great grades and making new friends while keeping his old ones. Lea is blooming. Her voice is like listening to an angel. She has so many friends you can't keep track, but............... The guilt comes in, the I got ripped, or the nicer way I wish I could watch Rhiannon and Loughlin do some of these things. People will have the nerve to tell me I should be happy for what I have left. Sure that is like saying you lost both your legs but you still have your arms. Be happy. No it isn't like that because your legs weren't part of your heart and your soul and your dreams. All of that is gone.

Do I love my kids and all of their achievements? Of course but you don't have to be an intellect to know I can feel both.

My World

My World

My life is spinning out into space.

I think it shows in the lines on my face.

People are pulling and pushing.

If I fall there’s no cushion

Without the pins in it

No matter if you spin it.

There’s no oxygen in this room.

No place for my potential to bloom.

People are scratching and clawing.

My soul’s guilt it keeps gnawing.

If there’s peace I can’t find it.

My mind you can’t wind it

I want to let go

Where no one will know

Me and my dreams,

Frantic it seems.

I’m sending out my SOS.

How did I get to be such a mess?

I heard God is the answer.

I feel He's a cancer,

That only promises gifts,

If you just stay away from the cliff.

But if he is there he is pushing you closer

He is cheating And using a Dozer.

True lost his Baseball Coach early yesterday morning. Sadness all around

Nyssa's beloved Baseball Coach Passes away

Article in Argus Observer on Coach Rick Clark

He touched True's life like no other coach before him. WE will miss him more than words can say.

We love you #BigDawg

And the Beat goes on

Yesterday the kids and I spent 5 hrs at yet another NeuroPsychologist requested by the attorneys. 5 hrs of testing and evaluation. 7 years after the accident they are going to somehow decipher if my kids were affected mentally or socially by the accident. Well I know that I am affected mentally and socially by 7 years of this bullshit. It feels as if you take an ice pick and shove it into my heart and twist it for good measure every time I am asked to put my kids through this. I really hate the process and I have started to hate everyone involved.
This morning I am having a hard time finding my feet. Walking is a chore. Thinking isn't possible. I am spent. I am weary. I am tired. I am BEAT. I give. I don't want to live this life anymore. I would sell myself to get the money my kids need to get through their ailments, just to have this end. Court starts on December 18th for Maya. 7 days before Christmas, 7 years after I killed my son and ruined my kids' lives. 7 seems to be a reoccurring theme. Giles said "I didn't answer the questions right. I am not telling a complete stranger how angry I get" I just do it around my family. It isn't his business. You know what he is RIGHT!

And for all you do gooders out in the small community I live in. Quit talking, Quit judging, Quit bugging, just QUIT!

7 years and 7 favorite things

# 1 Loughlin's very favorite book. Every other one of my children have read it but Lea and I am sure it is just a matter of time until she finds it too.Maya's favorite too. 7 years on the 27th since he has been gone. I thought it would be fun to remember 7
 of his favorite things.

#2 Loughlin's favorite NFL team was the SanDiego Chargers and his favorite player of all time was LaDainian Tomlinson. He wore his jersey all of the time. Days when I miss him most I put it on. I wish I could still smell him but after 7 years it's just memories. ♡

#3 Loughlin had a lot of different favorite foods. He loved Pigs 'n' a blanket for breakfast(Link sausages wrapped in biscuits covered with white sausage gravy). He loved a great Bacon Cheeseburger, but his favorite meal always included Crab & Lobster. He loved to eat at Red Lobster every year for his birthday, and we still try to keep that tradition. When he was baptized they do a spotlight on the kids. He was asked his favorite food....All the other kids said Mac 'n Cheese or PB and J. Loughlin proudly said his was Lobster and Crab. It was pretty funny for an 8 year old who hadn't ate it very often. I miss this smart kid everyday.

#4 Loughlin loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt. The beautiful buck in the picture was his first and only. frown emoticon He loved to pheasant hunt and would even go alone when he couldn't find a partner. He loved to fish. He got that love from his Grandpa and his dad. He didn't only like to catch the fish but he loved to eat them. He would eat a good trout for breakfast when they were camping. True takes after his big brother and his Uncle Stacey. All these men would have had so much fun together. This is one 'favorite' that is so heartbreaking to remember and write about. heart emoticon Loughlin, Grandpa and Stacey are all so missed.

#5 Loughlin loved scouting. He and Cyrus were lucky and got to spend most of their time together because of their ages being so close. This video was of scout camp 2008. They had so much fun there. 

Funny story, one outing the troop went up above Keeney pass for a short hike. They were running back down the mountain and Loughlin gave Cyrus a lil' shove and Cyrus went tumbling. He had cactus quills everywhere. It was all in fun but Lough was scared to come home because he knew how mad I would be that Cyrus got hurt. I was always and overprotective momma bear. I miss you Loughlin and I miss your laugh so much.

#6 Loughlin was an incredible artist. He loved to make anything beautiful. These are 4 pieces we had framed. (The pictures of the art take away from the beauty, they are framed, and hanging down in the boys' room) The first is a Charcoal of an Avalanche. Cyrus loved these pick-ups and Loughlin drew it for him. The other three are scratchboards, T-Rex, Skeleton and the last is a Rino.(my favorite but when we found it it was in bad shape. He was talented in so many ways. My dad was an artist and Loughlin loved the fact that he was like his papa in that aspect.

 

#7 Loughlin loved his family. His two best friends lived right in the same room as him, Cyrus and True. He spent 98% of his time home or on the farm with his family. He was so caring. Even with the little ones he had so much patience. He called Lea his little monkey and she loved to be with him. Loughlin and Cyrus did everything together and True tagged along side. Mayaand Giles were always looking up to their big brother. He was a gentle soul that would have helped anyone in need. Today it has been 7 years since he died. 7 years of missing, 7 years of heartbreak, 7 years of longing., 7 years of remembering, 7 years of tears, 7 years of questions, 7 years of guilt, 7 years of one empty chair at the table, but 7 years of survival.

Just Sad

Sometimes I wake up and I am just sad. The responsibility of my family feels unbearable for my shoulders to handle. My legs grow weary and my back begins to bend with the weight. The guilt lingers in my mind. Lea went with friends for the weekend and with her being gone and Cyrus at school it felt empty, lonely. I am exhausted and I don't ever sleep well anymore. I need a change of scenery, because the Fall is no longer my favorite season. I hate it. My only recluse is football. I watch every game I can get my eyes fixated on. It is a nice distraction, high school, college, NFL.

The Dreams Continue and Sleep Deprivation

I really don't know why the dreams are continuing. I had another dream of True dying in a car accident. I woke up and couldn't or didn't want to go to sleep. The next night I dreamed of Maya dying of cancer. On the wall above her hospital bed was a chalkboard of all the procedures they performed to save her. It was so real that I woke up in a pool of sweat. The next night I dreamed that Lea was kidnapped and for 7 years we searched for her until the sheriff's department found her discarded body. So after 5 nights of no sleep I took a nap today only to wake up in a delusional state because Cyrus had been stabbed by a homeless man when he was giving him some dinner in Eugene. I don't know if a sleeping pill would get me through these long nights, but I am scared to close my eyes. My subconscious is playing evil tricks on my mind. I do't know how to get rid of it. Tonight might be Giles for he is the only one that has escaped my torment. SOS

Bad Dream

I had a dream last night. I received a call from the hospital that Loughlin had been in a roll over, but that he was going to make it. We sped down to the hospital only to find that he had walked out of his room only to collapse on the sidewalk and die, but it wasn't Loughlin after all , but True. He had been in a jeep that had over corrected and flipped. Well I woke up sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing. Of course True is fine and it was only a dream, but dreams can be so real sometimes and losing any one else in my family would be the end of me.

Yesterday I had counseling and I spoke of my guilt, my horrible guilt about the accident. It is still so strong. Every time something happens that is hooked to the accident, the guilt makes a return. It weighs so heavy on my conscience. It makes my anxiety show it's ugly head. It brings the depression back. It happens because Maya can't play volleyball or because Cyrus has a hard time walking to all of his classes at college. I think," I did this, I did this all." If not for me, life would still be normal, happy for everyone. If not for me not seeing that farm truck our life would be an eternal bliss. I am not naive. I know this isn't the case but my guilt ridden soul doesn't know this. My soul who sees that God punishes the evil and rewards the good. (Just kidding hahahahahahah) I don't really think God gives a shit about what happens on this earth. Smite me oh mighty Smiter. I am not afraid of a non-existent entity that way to many people blame as they judge harshly and throw away the "sinners" of this earth.  I wish my life was different. I wish at the movies we had 9+1 (Kevin ) sitting on the row eating popcorn and laughing out loud, but it is what it is, and I am slowly learning to adapt to my new surroundings. I will never love this new existence, but I will live on to tell my tale.