Some Things are Better Left Unsaid .

For the last 3 days Harlen, Maya and I have been in court for 9 hours. Well Maya came and went as they needed her. We didn't want her sitting through all of the testimony. Yesterday the ruling came down from the jury. It was very good news for Maya. She will get her needs met for school and beyond. We are finally done with everything legal related to the accident. You would think I would be elated, jumping for joy, but I find myself barely climbing out of bed. I am down, so down. I believe in some sick way that through this pain I was holding on to a memory of Loughlin. I was holding on to the last time I was with him, that I could touch his skin, feel his hair, tell him I loved him. I know sick. Why would I want that excruciating pain? Pain is better than the void. Pain is better than nothingness. Pain is better than the abyss that is coming my way.

The other reason for the pain? I spent 3 days having specialists and Dr's tell me that because of that day, 7 1/2 years ago, October 27, 2008, Just driving to school, my mistake, my fault, my culpability, my beautiful baby girl will not ever be what I have promised her she always could be. 

I heard evidence piled upon evidence that Maya will not be able to make it through college, she will not probably be able to get the job she has always wanted, a teacher. I knew she struggled. I helped her, her teachers helped her, but on her own she will not be able to do it. I knew these things, but it took a Dr. and a lawyer to explain to me that her dreams are just dreams. I am heartbroken for her. I have instilled in her a love for higher learning and how important it will be in her life. She wanted to be a Math teacher. Even if she graduates from college, will she make it through a job with her learning disabilities because of the Traumatic Brain Injury. They said no. My guilt grows and grows. I will continue to help her. She is a beautiful smart girl with so much life. She testified yesterday. I saw it all. I saw what they were testifying about for 3 days. How could I have been so blind. Maya, I am so sorry. Ignorance is certainly on the side of bliss, but our life has not been blissful for a long time.