I am having a Panic Attack / Anxiety Attack

Before I left to take Maya, I passed the heifers calving in the field. I saw one that had her uterus a bit out so I went to investigate. As I was driving down the dirt road I saw a red heifer flat ot moving and her calf almost out not moving either. I lost it. I couldn't get anyone on the phone. Harlen finally answered and by that time I was frantic. Instead of helping me calm down he yelled at me for getting excited about the heifer. He told me no cow is worth that. Well I hate to see anything dead. I don't care what it is. It shook me up horribly. I jumped out of the van and ran down the hill. She moved and jumped up, the calf started to breath. Everything turned out ok. Then I tried to calm down.

Yesterday I took Maya's friends out on a date as their chaperon. I really do love Maya's friends. She has been blessed in life with an abundance of different friends that have mostly loved and supported her through the years. They had so much fun.

On the way home I started having a panic attack. My plates are expired. I found out a couple of days before but have not had time to renew them. I am deathly afraid of police, not police themselves but the sirens and the lights and the authority that comes along with them. My dad taught me at an early age to question authority and I have. It is part of my personality and is ingrained in my mind. I hate the sirens and lights because it is an intricate part of my PTSD for the last 7 years. I couldn't sleep last night. I got up so many times. I was so thirsty, nothing would come close to quenching it. So the lack of sleep just feeds the panic.

I am exhausted to feel this intent flight or fight feeling for such a long period of time without reprieve. I have been sleeping on and off throughout the day. My chest is heavy. I am dizzy. I am nauseated. My head is spinning.I wish I knew a way to ease this feeling. I wish I could be whole again. It seems and over the top dirty trick to lose to children in this horrible existence but then have this disease attached to you. I want to feel normal again, but I can't remember what normal is.