Nightmares

I made it 4 nights after the trial before the Nightmares hit again. I have a version of what happened that day. I have my version of where everyone was after the accident. There were 2 sheriffs and an EMT that each had their version of how things were that testified. Maya never woke up in my version. She did in the sheriff's version. So then NeuroPsychologists argue the effects of Maya knowing or not knowing that her brother was laying next to her, dead. Does she remember? Has she stuffed these memories deep in her psyche? There was no argument on her Traumatic Brain Injury and learning disabilities.

But what this has done to me is opened up that huge gaping wound that I have spent years stitching closed. The testimony about how this was the worst accident that the EMT had come across or that one of the sheriffs had quit because of the trauma of the job. The picture makes you wonder how any of us lived.

You see I can't quit. I am in this for the long haul. I am in this for better and for the worse. I am here watching kids make poor choices because they don't know what PTSD is and they wouldn't get help if they did, only the weak admit to needing help. I am weak. I am once again in an abyss. I lived through the worst holiday this last weekend, Easter. I hate it. It is like that carrot being strung out in front of the horse to get it it to move, but this horse is dead and buried. The promise I am asked to listen to is hurtful to one with no hope.