Bad Dream

I had a dream last night. I received a call from the hospital that Loughlin had been in a roll over, but that he was going to make it. We sped down to the hospital only to find that he had walked out of his room only to collapse on the sidewalk and die, but it wasn't Loughlin after all , but True. He had been in a jeep that had over corrected and flipped. Well I woke up sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing. Of course True is fine and it was only a dream, but dreams can be so real sometimes and losing any one else in my family would be the end of me.

Yesterday I had counseling and I spoke of my guilt, my horrible guilt about the accident. It is still so strong. Every time something happens that is hooked to the accident, the guilt makes a return. It weighs so heavy on my conscience. It makes my anxiety show it's ugly head. It brings the depression back. It happens because Maya can't play volleyball or because Cyrus has a hard time walking to all of his classes at college. I think," I did this, I did this all." If not for me, life would still be normal, happy for everyone. If not for me not seeing that farm truck our life would be an eternal bliss. I am not naive. I know this isn't the case but my guilt ridden soul doesn't know this. My soul who sees that God punishes the evil and rewards the good. (Just kidding hahahahahahah) I don't really think God gives a shit about what happens on this earth. Smite me oh mighty Smiter. I am not afraid of a non-existent entity that way to many people blame as they judge harshly and throw away the "sinners" of this earth.  I wish my life was different. I wish at the movies we had 9+1 (Kevin ) sitting on the row eating popcorn and laughing out loud, but it is what it is, and I am slowly learning to adapt to my new surroundings. I will never love this new existence, but I will live on to tell my tale.