My Poem for my Grandpa

15 Things I know about my Grandpa…..

1)      He chose to be part of my life,

And not just because he made my grandma his wife.

2)      He put a smile on my Grandma’s face and took away her blues.

Each made the other better. They always went in two’s.

3)      He lived a lifetime before he became part of our clan.

He made some mistakes but he always was a good man.

4)      He was a World War II vet stationed in France.

If you were lucky he would mention it, if only by chance.

5)      He recognized each achievement that I made.

With a wink of an eye the pride he conveyed

6)      He was one of the toughest guys that I ever knew.

To live how he lived there were only but a few.

7)      He was 50 years sober. He attributed it to AA.

He was never boastful or spiteful, that just wasn’t his way.

8)      In or out of his mouth he wasn’t afraid to show his pearly whites.

Making the adults chuckle and giving the kids quite a fright.

9)      He could hit a spittoon from across the room

All While reading Louis L’Amour’s , “A Man Called Noon”

10)   He loved his pennies almost as much as his books.

In hope for that special one he would look and he’d look.

11)   When he wasn’t busy searching he was working on his farm.

Planting more than they could ever eat did no one any harm.

12)   Morning or night he always carried his coffee thermos.

Making everyone around him jealous or nervous.

13)   He never complained to me about the way he was feeling.

About the grief of my Grandma and how he was dealing.

14)   He made my soul lighter whenever he was close

If you don’t know it by now I thought he deserved a heroes toast.

15)   I miss you Grandpa, your memories will forever stay in my heart.

And that is what, I will carry with me until I too depart.

I love you Grandpa

A must read for anyone who has lost a child or knows someone who has.

http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/why-megachurch-pastor-joel-osteen-owes-an-apology/

I think this is why so many have a hard time with religion after a trial, trauma, loss as this. I have spent almost 7 years explaining this concept. God, Christ and Heaven do not take away the pain, longing and grief of losing a child, not once but twice,so quit preaching this nonsense.

Writer's Block

I am supposed to be writing a poem for my Grandpa's memorial. I am having the hardest time, which if you know me at all, is crazy. I can whip out a poem in minutes. I don't know what to write, rather serious or funny, happy or heartfelt, a little of each. I feel pressure to perform and it isn't helping. I am :( Maybe it will just come to me but time is winding down.

Happy Birthday True, 17

Cyrus holding True at 1 month

True turned 17 on June 10th. He started out in this world 8lbs 10 oz but 3 weeks early. He grew and he grew and he really never stopped growing/ He is now 6ft 3in tall and the shape of a Offensive Lineman. He is so strong. He is incredibly funny and his heart is gigantic. I love him so much and I can't believe I only have one more year to spend with him.

True at 3 months

Family Picture True is 3

Goose Hunting 2014

Baseball 2015

Baseball 2015

Grand Champion Steer 2013

Football 2014 Junior

Timing

Tami at Rhiannon's Grave

Wednesday is a long and strenuous day for me. I have Maya's practice in the morning, then I rush home to change and head to Boise for EMDR therapy, then back home and in to softball uniforms only to travel to Lea's game somewhere. I knew today was going to be hard. I have never really talked to anyone about Rhiannon. I have wrote about it on here, not many details but not really even to Harlen. Today we were going to work on the memories of Rhiannon and her death, also what followed. I was shaking on the drive over. It had been a long time since I had let those raw feelings surface. 5 minutes before I arrived at the Docs I received a text from an old friend. 5 minutes before the anger and hurt would come spilling out of my heart. She had visited Rhiannon's grave. She had made such an effort as to find the caretaker to find her grave. She brought balloons for her. She let me smile before I walked in the door to pour out my soul. Such a small deed from such a big heart.  I am sure today would have been harder without her. Thank you so much

I remembered parts of Rhiannon's death that I had stuffed so far down in my psyche as to never come out. I remembered being asked permission to shut off life support on her after she arrived at the hospital. I was 18, an adult, or a child playing the part of an adult. I had just watched my baby die. They shut off the machines and wanted me to hold her. A child holding a baby, cold, lifeless, making decisions I was never capable of. I have been hard on myself for far too long. I believed that her dying was my punishment for getting pregnant. I didn't come to that belief on my own. I was treated as an outcast. I look back now and Dr. Booth helped me realize I survived at 18 what some would never survive. I woke up to a baby girl, dead, blood, watched my mom try to bring her back, but she was so cold. I lived through a viewing, graveside and guilt. I went on to raise some pretty wonderful kids and I am still trying to do that. Loughlin was a masterpiece and like most masterpieces they are not realized until they are past. I am a work in progress. Dealing with the guilt of Rhiannon's death is far easier than that of Loughlin's but maybe someday. I love all my kids, alive and passed. My heart hurts whenever they are hurt or when I miss them, which in Loughlin and Rhiannon's case is always.

Maya's Party

At one time in the 48 hr birthday party we had 13 girls. We traveled to Fruitland for Maya's softball game. We ate pizza, cake, chips, drank pop, stopped at Duth Bros. for a sweet treat. We watched movies and the next day went shopping in Nampa. It has become an annual shin dig. I sure love everyone of these girls. Maya is so lucky to have such great friends in her life. 

Life is busy right now. I am coaching Maya in the Y14 softball. Practices M-W-F 9:30- Games T-Th 6pm and sometimes Friday. I coach Lea's Y11 softball team. Practices T-Th-F 9- and Games M-W at 6pm. Giles is playing Babe Ruth 14-15 when he just turned 13. He practices almost everyday at 6 ant games T-Th and Saturday times vary. The house is a mess. We haven't had time to paint but these times are running out for me and my little ones. I love it, but boy my age is starting to show. :)

Bile

I really don't believe. 
Why don't I get up & leave?
I hate every minute wasted here.
I feel an outburst creeping near. 
Everything is fake. 
Everyone  a snake.
From the boobs,  to the smiles, 
Shovel the shit in a pile.
If there is a God he does not dwell.
In a sewage tank covered with a shell.
Made beautiful with false gold.
Robots who do what they're told.
Think about the rot and the bile.
Ponder and drink your coffee a while.

Maya's Writing in English Class

Loughlin oh Loughlin, I wish you were here with me, right here, right now in this little town. I sit here missing you and waiting for you to give me a sign that you are here. Loughlin, you are my brother that I miss the most. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope to see you again. I wish you were here mostly because I wish mom would be okay. She misses you the most. She is my Savior. I love her so much, We love you to the bottom of the earth. You will always be in my heart, always and forever I love you to the earth's core and back to the infinities. Even though I don't remember you as in the stuff we did together, I wish I did, but then again I don't remember the pain after it happened, so there is all good and bad to this subject. I remember some things we did together when I look at pictures but I wish I remembered more than that but sadly I don't.

Freewriting and Ode. My new English Major Child. So deep and thoughtful for a 14yr old. Love her so much!

My Grandpa's 92 years & Memorial Day

 I lost my Grandpa Harvey yesterday. I was so blessed to have him in my life. He was a hero. He served in World War II. He was on Normandy Beach. He came home an alcoholic. He drank until, one too many days he woke up, hung over, sometimes not where he thought he should be. He pulled himself together and made it to an AA meeting. He made 50 years sober before he passed away. In the time after he was sober, he married my grandma. I feel so lucky that he chose to be my Grandpa. He didn't have to but he did. He loved having this huge garden with my dad every year. He called it his farm and I always chuckled because I lived on a real one. I am really going to miss him and his dark humor. He loved me like I was his own and just like my Grandma Hamann never judged me.

I wish Memorial Day was what it was meant to be, a time to honor our soldiers who died in the line of duty. I would love that. I would do what I could to honor all of them.

 I don't like that it has become a forced decoration day for the graves. I want to be able to decorate the graves when I want to. I don't understand this. I hate feeling guilty. I shouldn't have to feel guilty over the graves of my two children. So I decorated Loughlin's and everyone else in the Garner family. Sure they are beautiful but my heart is raw at the passing of my Grandpa yesterday. Sometimes I don't know if I can endure much more. In our tiny area we have Loughlin,  Harlen's dad, Val (died at 62), his brother , Stacey (died at 33 of a bee sting), His Grandma & Grandpa, His Uncle Blair (who died at 14 of Rheumatic Fever), Above us is our Uncle Dee, also a World War II vet and Braden Wheeler, who died at 2. His Grandma is a Garner and she was also my best friend, his mom was my kid's babysitter and just like a daughter. Also just West of Loughlin is Kaylin Schulthies, daughter of my other best friend, (she died of cancer at 15) The cemetery is proof to me that we have no control in this life and faith has nothing to do with how easy your life is.

Val Garner with his love

And as for guilt. Rhiannon is buried in the Evergreen Cemetery in Springville, Utah. I can't decorate her grave today, or most days. I am so busy in life that I hardly ever travel there. Guilt. She is by herself there. My Grandma & Grandpa are buried across the road and down about 200 yards from her. Their son Stephen is there ( He was 3 when he drowned in the creek next to their house) and my cousin April who died at 18 of cancer also. God has not been kind to our 2 families on early deaths. The cemetery is depressing. I want to be able to go when I want to go without judgement from the judging community.

Cyrus turned 20 today

Cyrus turned 20 today. He has always been a super good kid. He is so smart and handsome. He has been through so much and has found a way to not only to get through it but to conquer it. He is my hero. He always will be.

He was our little cowboy. He was an incredible showman. He succeeded in everything he tried. He and Loughlin were always best friends. 

He is transfering to the University of Oregon in the Fall. I am so glad (closer, better roads) He wants to major in English. He thought engineering was boring. He wants to teach and write for a living. I couldn't be prouder. I wish I could too. Happy Birthday Son, I love you more than you will ever know.

Pulled in a million directions

Am I a taffy machine? I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions that I don't know which way I should actually be going. It seems everyone wants something and there is only one of me. I thought I could handle all of this when I jumped in but now that I am waste deep, up to my neck, over my head, I am questioning my sanity in getting so involved. I am exhausted. It felt good to have a purpose but now it feels lousy not to finish anything.

Maya is 15

Maya 6 months

Miss Maya turned 15. I could spend the day bragging about her. She is sweet and kind. She is popular and sassy. She is beautiful and smart. (and she is winning the battle with her TBI) She is pitching this year for softball and can I say Ouch? I was umping behind her plate in practice and a gal ticked the ball which came back and hit me in the boob. I have a bruise as big as the softball. I wake up when I roll over on my side it hurts so bad. But back to the beauty queen, She has a lovely voice and is my helper in the house. I love her so much. Look at her, her smile brightens the day of anyone that comes in contact with her. I wish I had her talents!

Maya 14 1/2 years.

Rhiannon's Birthday 27 years old

This is Rhiannon and I when she was a week old. May 23, 1988. I don't know how many times I have told my story but I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I had her. I had planned on giving her up for adoption but the adoptive parents backed out on us at the last minute. She had low blood sugar , so they kept her at the hospital for 5 days. That left 9 days with her. I brought her home from the hospital. I loved her so much. She was so beautiful and such an easy baby. I was reluctant but excited, scared but fulfilled. So many mixed emotions inside me, but I was happy, really happy.

I have very few pictures of her, in fact 2 and a video. I didn't know I wouldn't have her long. I should have took so many more. I was young and stupid and believed in a fair and just world, not really, but that was my excuse. In 2 weeks she would die of SIDS next to me in my bed. Who said life was fair?

Mother's Day

It's funny about Mother's Day. About the time I was old enough to appreciate my mother, I was a mother. I had Rhiannon 8 days after Mother's Day 1988. I was a mom. I held her and fed her and loved her. Then I wasn't a mother. For 5 years I watched other mother's and felt cheated and angry, but most of all I was by myself in my agony. Then Loughlin was born. For 15 years I had motherhood bliss. Cyrus 2 yrs after and then True 3 yrs after that. Maya, my beautiful girl 2 yrs later and followed by Giles and then the biggest surprise was Lea. I was so blessed and happy. Pregnancy was horrible for me. I felt sick everyday. Threw up everyday including delivery day but it was so worth it. My kids were my everything, They still are. But Mother's Day I would rather skip it , pretend like it isn't there. I love my mom and wish her a happy day but I wish that for her everyday. I guess I should be 5/7's happy I know. It is the missing chairs, the missing smiles, and laughs. It is just missing. I am not sleeping again. The letters from the lawyers are coming in the mail again, When will this nightmare end?

Irate

Irate

Tears are stinging. 

Head is ringing. 

There are questions that linger.

That deserve the finger.

See I am irate.

God laughs, berates.

Saints talk about faith.

All that’s left is wraith.

Every day I see him dead. 

When I am lying in bed. 

When I drive down the road. 

The love is stowed. 

Rhiannon, she’s there. 

I’m froze. I just stare. 

Her body so cold. 

SIDS I’m told. 

But both are in the ground. 

Their voice makes no sound. 

I feel defeated. 

Defenseless and cheated. 

Sit here lost in my mind. 

Memories are so hard to find. 

The anger fogs my sight. 

Also darkens the light. 

Heart is shattered. 

Soul is tattered. 

There is no hope. 

Only ways to cope.

A poem from my Soul.

Sanctimonious

sanc·ti·mo·ni·ous

ˌsaNG(k)təˈmōnēəs/

adjective
derogatory

making a show of being morally superior to other people.

synonyms

: self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pious, pietistic, churchy, moralizing,preachy, smug, superior, priggish, hypocritical, insincere; informal goody-goody I am exhausted today. I am tired for so many reasons. I just returned from a very long driving trip with Harlen. It was interesting to see so many different people and places, but we drove and we drove. I don't do well away from home and I really struggle in a moving vehicle for a long period of time. I missed my kids so much while I was gone, but it was Harlen's birthday and he wanted me to go with him and I did want to go, but now my body is paying for it. Maybe that is some of the reason my emotions are going crazy. But they are and I find it hard not to blame the church once again. I find it hard not to hate it. I reminisce about my teenage years in a predominately LDS community. I was a wild one. Things happened to me that paved a road that, true I could have veered off, but stayed on. I was pregnant at 17 and the scourge of the community. I could have sewed and "A" on my chest and it wouldn't have made a difference. It was ugly. I was rebellious and at most times could have cared less what people thought, I believed they were SANCTIMONIOUS. I saw through even at an early age the bullshit that surrounded me. Even after having Rhiannon and her unforeseen, traumatic death the rumors continued, even as far as to blame me for her death. I hated that town. I still don't like to go back. People talk. I hate most people. So as a mom I thought my kids are good kids. They didn't do the things I did. I guess the bar has been raised. You know Cyrus was treated horribly by his LDS peers and even his leaders. In fact it continues today because he didn't serve a mission. Funny why would he want to bring anyone else into his hell? Now it is happening again but to True. Do you remember being 16? How hard it was to get enough courage to ask a girl out? Especially to Prom? The girl is sweet and cute and she really likes him. So he did it. He asked her. Her parents responded that True is a bad kid and she absolutely can't go with him. I see True through a mom's eyes. He is a young man that likes to have fun, but he is a good kid. He doesn't party, drink, smoke. He has a heart the size of Texas and just as warm. He is so grown up about the whole thing. But he told me he doesn't want to grow up to be a Mormon like that. He never would. He sees the best in people and sticks up for everyone who is being picked on. As for me this is just more ammunition to stay so far away from a church like this. Harlen tells me I need to separate the church from the people, BUT THE CHURCH IS THE PEOPLE. If I could stay home every Sunday and listen to the Church officials I might make it. But that is not the way this church is designed, and this is also not how I am designed. HYPOCRITES ARE ASSHOLES, AND THE SAME PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE IN CHARGE OF THIS CHURCH WITH THE SAME NAMES AND SAME SANCTIMONIOUS ATTITUDES. TODAY I HATE IT!!!!!!!

Mark on this World

Loughlin's Bull

Since  the day Loughlin was born, I thought as a mom, he will really make a mark on this world. Yesterday I donated the money from his bull we sold in the sale. I came away with the feeling that this is not the mark I intended for Loughlin to make. It was depressing at the same time it felt good to give. It made me sad. It's so hard that even your husband doesn't understand how this could effect you, how you could feel sad doing this. I am tired of trying to explain.
I also visited Loughlin's grave yesterday. You could still see plainly the cut out of where he was buried. Hard to imagine it's been over 6 years. Yesterday was the first time in a long time I felt like giving up. For over 6 years I have had a lot on my plate but always fell short. I can't keep up. Some days it is all I can do to get my kids to school. I have all these lofty goals and everyday I fail. I am most days a complete failure. Tired of being asked why I can't get more done. I hate this.

Cat Scans and Contribution day

True

True had a Cat Scan today. He has been having a lot of pain in his lower abdomen for a while now. They thought it was a hernia but couldn't find it. Now they are on an exploration to find the cause. I am nervous. I am sick worrying. I wish we knew the cause, for not knowing is torture.

Loughlin Showing

I also took around the money to the Music, Band and Art Department today from Loughlin's bull. I have been procrastinating it. I knew it would be hard. I love doing it, but the forced memories are hard to hold back. He was an incredible artist.

Loughlin's Bull that sold in our Sale this year to Rocky Sherbine

He had a beautiful voice and loved to sing. Even though he rarely did in public. One year he sang a solo in the choir concert. He was so brave. Here is the song he sang.......

Loughlin's Solo Song Daniel Powter, "Bad Day"

Oh how I miss him. I write my memories of him because I am so afraid one day I won't remember. My heart is aching today. He could have made a mark on this world. Now his mark is made with contributions in his name. I guess at least it is something.

Birthdays ! Giles is 13

Happy Birthday Giles! 

He turned 13 today. 

He is always so much fun. He decides he likes something new and he learns it and masters it. 

He is smart, popular, hilarious, stubborn but honest and loyal. I am grateful everyday that he is part of my life. 

He misses his brother so much. He breaks down once in a while when things just get too difficult. 

He is the perfect middle between Maya and Lea. They both love him more than mac & cheese ( and that is a lot) 

He was the easiest baby. He is an easy kid to raise. I hope he has a great day. 

We are eating at his favorite Mongolian Barbecue tonight. 

Next week, paint balling and pizza with his friends.

Today is also my Grandma Harmer's Birthday and my Cousin April's. My Grandma lived a hard life. She lost her little Stephen when he was just 3. She missed him until the day she died. April died at 18 of cancer. I really miss them both.

Prince, 5 seconds, Anger and Good Will Hunting

This is our Bull Calf, Prince

Prince was a twin out of one of our best mama cows. The mom decided she just wanted to raise the the heifer twin and kicked Prince off. He never received the much need colostrum and when a calf goes with out the first feeding from his mom his life is always a struggle. For 2 days we worked to keep him alive. We tubed him and massaged him. We moved him to the outside office and heated the room, Harlen finally even IV'd him. Lea and me sat with him for hours. We even sang to him. We tried so hard to keep him alive. His brother was one of my favorite bulls in the sale this year. This afternoon he started to look better. He even tried to get up, but by the time I got home from EMDR he had died. My heart aches so much every time we lose a calf. 

I had an EMDR appointment today. I usually don't drive myself, but Harlen was dropping his pick-up off at Edmark to fix the seat. So I drove. A Canyon County Sheriff followed me from Parma to the highway. I was on high alert. I hate cop cars. When I entered the freeway an Idaho State Policeman was behind me, more nerves, more panic. I put on my blinker to change lanes and he puts his lights on behind me. I have to pull over while cars are passing me at 65 mph, lights on, nauseated. He tells me I didn't put my blinker on for a full 5 seconds before I switched lanes? He said I did for about 3 seconds.What 5 seconds, you only have to ride a bull for 8 to score a 91. You can cook a Krispe Kreme in 5 seconds. 5 seconds with a blinker on is an eternity. He also indicated my license plate was not showing "Oregon". I have been driving the same van with the same license plate for 7 years. Then the seatbelt. He brought me back a ticket for a seatbelt. I had taken it off to talk to him. WTH I call BS. I am really starting to hate cops. My tongue is bleeding from biting it. Anyway the law actually states 5 seconds or a hundred feet. If you are driving 65 mph. I know I was past a hundred feet. So they can't catch a killer in Notus but they can waste their time pulling panicked drivers over for no reason. 

After getting Harlen we head to my session. I am so stressed. Lately I have been feeling so anger. I have mostly ept it contained but I don't know if that is the right way to handle it. EMDR kept me in the funeral for Loughlin and all the anger I felt, to God, to family, to the nonsense people muttered. It all comes out. I remember so much. I think this will take away most my anger.I hope it will help me forgive an forget. 

I came home and just wanted to veg. I started watching "Good Will Hunting". I loved this movie but I hadn't watched it in 20+ years. The language was atrocious, but so is mine lately. This picture, do you remember this picture? I started to cry. This is me. I am on the high seas. The waves engulf me. There is nowhere to go. I have to stay here and try not to drown or be ravaged by the sharks that surround me, for they are everywhere, and if they smell blood in the water I am finished. The skies are dark, and the wind is harsh. I am exhausted. I am alone in my fight to survive. I have been fighting for so long. God has long forsaken me. It would be easiest to let the oars go, lay back and fall into an eternal sleep but my kids need me more than ever. So I shall tarry on. <3 p="">

EMDR and me

Yesterday I spent another hour reliving the accident and all the feelings that surround it. I always start in the same place, Loughlin lying lifeless on the bench of the suburban, cold, so cold. I am half out of my mind, more than half. Yelling at the top of my voice that I have killed my son. I have a hard time leaving that scene in my memory. I am laying next to him. I am trying to stay with him but I am being pulled away, forced to leave him, being told that everything will be alright, but I know more than any of the bystanders. I know that it will never be ok again. I had already given one of my babies to them. They take them. They cut them open. They try to  sew them up and make them look alive again, but they are cold, so cold. My babies are gone and they will never come back. In my memory I am yelling, "Don't lie to me. It is not ok. It will never be fine. I will never be fine. Rhiannon is gone, cold, dead , in the ground, and now Loughlin is leaving and his fate is the same. He will be gone forever." I hate all of them. I hate everyone. I hate God. I really hate God. This is a cruel existence. What is the point of all of it? Am I getting better? Is this anger, again part of the process? I have been angry for so long. I am going to end up a bitter old woman. I am bitter? My heart is broken. It breaks constantly every moment. Maybe surviving is all I can muster.

Life or what is left of it.........

I figure I am half way through life, which is somewhat unfortunate, not because I have so much I still want to do, or that my life so far has been so wonderful that I am sorry time is getting shorter. It really has to do with the level exhaustion that I feel every day. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get or don't get, if I am sick for 5 weeks or at the height of health, I am fatigued. I breath in. I breath in. I somewhat breath out. I breath in again. I watch the world go by. I feel it spin, could be my head, yes it is my head, but it makes me feel less crazy to believe I can feel the world spin. Now that is crazy.......................................................................................................................................................

Speaking of crazy, I went to church for the first time in 6 weeks. Either I am further removed or the parishioners are somewhat more hypocritical, insane, self-righteous, gullible, vain...that was a word used often on Sunday. Vain, coming from the parking lot that resembles Edmark Chevrolet. My 1993 Cadillac is running again. I think I will clean it up and start driving it. I wonder how many bodies I can fit in the trunk? I love the looks I get, kind of like the looks I got when my dad took me to school in his '54 Cattle truck, or maybe the looks I got in Springville in 1988 when I would actually go out in my condition, add the Budweiser high tops I bought off the clearance rack at Mervyns, and the feces colored Subaru hatchback, singing Madonna's "Material Girl". 

Can you see I'm crazy............

The picture: I liked it, plus how can you go wrong with Johnny Depp.