Prince, 5 seconds, Anger and Good Will Hunting

This is our Bull Calf, Prince

Prince was a twin out of one of our best mama cows. The mom decided she just wanted to raise the the heifer twin and kicked Prince off. He never received the much need colostrum and when a calf goes with out the first feeding from his mom his life is always a struggle. For 2 days we worked to keep him alive. We tubed him and massaged him. We moved him to the outside office and heated the room, Harlen finally even IV'd him. Lea and me sat with him for hours. We even sang to him. We tried so hard to keep him alive. His brother was one of my favorite bulls in the sale this year. This afternoon he started to look better. He even tried to get up, but by the time I got home from EMDR he had died. My heart aches so much every time we lose a calf. 

I had an EMDR appointment today. I usually don't drive myself, but Harlen was dropping his pick-up off at Edmark to fix the seat. So I drove. A Canyon County Sheriff followed me from Parma to the highway. I was on high alert. I hate cop cars. When I entered the freeway an Idaho State Policeman was behind me, more nerves, more panic. I put on my blinker to change lanes and he puts his lights on behind me. I have to pull over while cars are passing me at 65 mph, lights on, nauseated. He tells me I didn't put my blinker on for a full 5 seconds before I switched lanes? He said I did for about 3 seconds.What 5 seconds, you only have to ride a bull for 8 to score a 91. You can cook a Krispe Kreme in 5 seconds. 5 seconds with a blinker on is an eternity. He also indicated my license plate was not showing "Oregon". I have been driving the same van with the same license plate for 7 years. Then the seatbelt. He brought me back a ticket for a seatbelt. I had taken it off to talk to him. WTH I call BS. I am really starting to hate cops. My tongue is bleeding from biting it. Anyway the law actually states 5 seconds or a hundred feet. If you are driving 65 mph. I know I was past a hundred feet. So they can't catch a killer in Notus but they can waste their time pulling panicked drivers over for no reason. 

After getting Harlen we head to my session. I am so stressed. Lately I have been feeling so anger. I have mostly ept it contained but I don't know if that is the right way to handle it. EMDR kept me in the funeral for Loughlin and all the anger I felt, to God, to family, to the nonsense people muttered. It all comes out. I remember so much. I think this will take away most my anger.I hope it will help me forgive an forget. 

I came home and just wanted to veg. I started watching "Good Will Hunting". I loved this movie but I hadn't watched it in 20+ years. The language was atrocious, but so is mine lately. This picture, do you remember this picture? I started to cry. This is me. I am on the high seas. The waves engulf me. There is nowhere to go. I have to stay here and try not to drown or be ravaged by the sharks that surround me, for they are everywhere, and if they smell blood in the water I am finished. The skies are dark, and the wind is harsh. I am exhausted. I am alone in my fight to survive. I have been fighting for so long. God has long forsaken me. It would be easiest to let the oars go, lay back and fall into an eternal sleep but my kids need me more than ever. So I shall tarry on. <3 p="">