BaHumbug

I am having a hard time with the Christmas Card thingy this year. I don't want to send them. I hate having to think about whether to include Loughlin & Rhiannon in the photos, the letter. I hate pretending like "It's a wonderful life". I have no angel and the world probably would have been just fine without me in it. I struggle through the letters I get. Can people's lives really be so rosy? I know what you all are saying........That I am still bitter, well I am. That I seem down, well I am. That I seem tired of this life, well I am. That I am missing Loughlin more today than yesterday and more that day than the day before. I was told this would get easier, it isn't. I dream about waking up and seeing Rhiannnon laying next to me cold more today that I did 10 years ago. And as the days go on Loughlin is on my mind constantly, as I drive by his headstone, or down our hill, or by Nyssa High School which is daily or more than daily, and I am consumed with guilt and anger and just this unbelievable sense of loneliness. Don't tell me that there is love all around me, it will never feel the void left by these great spirits that touched my life for such a short time. After I lost Rhiannnon, I had a very horrible out look on life. I never expected much for I had never been given much to look forward to. It's not always a bad thing not to have hope. If it isn't there you are rarely disappointed but one morning in September this new, wow came into my life. He restored my hope in this world. Do you understand that he was my life, he was my light, he filled a lot of that hole left by Rhiannon. He loved me unconditionally. He thought I was it for so much of his life. He was my hope. It was wrong to put so much on such a young boy but he fulfilled it. Then 15 years later that hope was once again ripped from my life. The hope is gone. That hope is gone. Where do I find my hope now? I don't want to know about missions and college and weddings. I don't want to know how happy your life is. How God has blessed you. I can't sleep again and it is hard to keep up the happy face when I am exhausted.

Definition of Insanity

I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I feel like I am in this room sometimes and at other times I wish I were in this room. It seems I take enough pills at night that it could and should take the place of my dinner. I take a pill to cure me of one symptom that affects me in another way so I take a pill that gets rid of that symptom and so on and so on. I am sick more than I am healthy. I am 4+ years into this trauma and 24+ years away from the other. I am tired. I am not sleeping again. 3 days and only 6 hrs of sleep total. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling wondering how I got here, when will this get better or will it? The grief gnawing at my soul, my heart sometimes making it so raw that I wonder how I will be a wife, a mom. I feel so exhausted, and now the Holidays are upon us. I still feel it is so hard to make these days cheery and bright. I am probably causing irreparable harm to my children, then the guilt engulfs me like a tidal wave crashing down on a unsuspecting sun bather.I am sure everyone can see this cycle that I am stuck in. It's like being forced on the Rock-O-Plane and each time it comes around you think it's your turn to get off but the Carnie laughs and makes you stay on. It's nauseating. It is a gut wrenching pain to watch your kids grow up . True is a Freshman now, what Loughlin was when he died.The panic is back again . What if it happens again?

Where to go from here?

I have been on a journey for what seems like an eternity but in fact it has been almost 3 years. This journey should have been so much shorter and could have been had the roadblocks been fewer, but time and time again I would run into a block, then I would detour and then a tree would fall in the road, so I would take a less traveled road that was much rougher, then a tire would blow out  and no one was out there but me. I carried no jack or spare with me for I thought it was only going to be a short drive. I wasn't prepared for this trip then only to get to a place, I dare say, I don't want to go anymore. It isn't in me and I am so tired of traveling this road. How many times did I stop and ask for directions? I was always told half truths or out and out lies. I was told someone would be there to check on me. I was told along these roads, at the mile markers, I would have help but there was none, no coverage on my phone. All of this coinciding with this grief and trauma that to most would be hard enough. I haven't reached this destination but I can see ahead and now I finally have realized it isn't what I want, nor what I want for my kids.
All of this and 3 weeks straight of a horrible headache. It's hard to see any light in the distance.Confused and Exhausted I really need a vacation to my favorite place on Earth. I think the Oregon Coast can lift my spirit.

Feeling Life

Since Loughlin's birthday my soul has felt, at first, this overwhelming crushing feeling that exhausted me every moment of the day. I felt hopeless. Nothing spectacular happened to bring me out of my stupor. It was a gradual upswing. Slowly every day I started to see a little light. I started to feel this love for my family that I hadn't felt for what seemed forever.( I think I probably ought to explain as there are some of you out there that take my writings out of context and use them to judge me, treat me how you think is correct). I have been hurt throughout my life and I developed a defense mechanism that had me pulling myself away from loved ones and building walls made out of concrete, so tall as to make Germany envious. That was my way of self-protection. After losing Loughlin I began that process again and I think it has taken 4 years and a very large sledgehammer to see some light.
Some helpful things are that ones that surround me are understanding my process with God, the church. They understand my feelings and the destructive behavior of those in charge. They see that I have tried and yet it is like dealing with rocks. I feel God's love some days. I feel it in the smile of a child, in the warmth of a baby. I feel it when my lil' Lea says Mom, I love you, when True comes off the football field and gives me the greatest hug a mom could get. I feel it when Giles tells me all about his day and wants always to sit by me and when Cyrus wants to talk, I really mean talk about school and friends and my favorite, politics. I feel it when Maya lays her head on my shoulder, knowing I will always be there for her. I feel it most when Harlen looks in my eyes and tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. The place I do not feel God is in church when speakers talk about the "little" things they do wrong everyday and how they need Christ to help them with the "small" wrong choices they make. I do not feel God when people speak of non-Mormons and their need to feel the spirit. They must.I don't feel God when I am shunned and when it is said I am not ready when I clearly never said that, but I am so glad it happened this way. I am glad I was given more time to decide my fate. The fate I was following is not the fate I wanted. So maybe God is watching out for me.

Miss Maya Broke her Arm

What a bummer. Maya tripped over a bucket feeding the pigs last Friday and broke her arm but her terrible mom waited 4 days to take her to the doctor. She is a lot tougher than I ever knew. We don't have a cast on yet because it is still to swollen. Good news at least for me not making me feel to guilty they kept her in the same brace I bought her and told me that is all they would have done, well they wanted iced a little more. On the upside I am glad it isn't any worse.

Loughlin's Birthday

Today is Loughlin's 19th birthday. I have been having a real hard time with this one. It is the one, the one when he would have been moving on, mission, college, marriage. Instead we have a night at Red Lobster with the family but before that we have things, complications that show up, spoil what is left of a crappy celebration and to tell you the truth I am too tired to do this anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Life is beyond cruel and if not for my babies here, I would lay down and give up. I love you Loughlin. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were there. I never cared once about the morning sickness knowing you would be the result. I marveled at every achievement you made. You were always smarter than your years, so kind even though those around you were not. You still make me pause when I think of your love for your siblings. You were and always will be my inspiration.

RE-Read and Miracles

I went back in my blog and read for a few minutes. One thing is certain, the same feelings and the anger and the sorrow swirl round and round and really it doesn't seem to get any better, any easier. I feel sort of depressed over it all. It makes me worried. How long can I keep going like this without some sort of reprieve?

I ended up at the hospital yesterday where they took my kids after the accident. I have only been there once since that week. It was like walking on the moon with no oxygen. I couldn't breath there but I stayed and I finally got to visit my friend yesterday who has a TBI. She looked wonderful to my eyes and my heart. I am so happy her and her family got their miracle. I am jealous but hell what are you going to do. I need to get used to the idea that I have no control and it is what it is. But for Kellie's family, I love you guys. You have been such an important part of True's life, my life, our life. We love you and hope the recovery keeps moving a long the way it should, the way you need.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? When I am home I want to be somewhere else and when I am somewhere else, anywhere else I want to be home. At times I am so attached to my kids that I think I might liquefy with the love I feel for them and then it gets to be too much and I want to hide in my closet, where no one can see me. Then there are times when I am strong and I will do anything to protect my babies, then just a few minutes later I feel as if just one more thing might make me crumble to the ground like a cracked foundation.

I might need a vacation soon, fast,  but it is harvest season and football season and volleyball season and last but not least it is time to start hip hopping.......

Mama said there'd be days like these

Funny how some days nothing goes right. Today is that day. Nothing huge but so much that I am heading to bed early. Just more evidence you can't save your kids from what they must face alone. You can't fight their battles all of the time. You can't protect them from all wrongs or convince those around them that this is an incredible child that stands before them.  When your babies look at you with those eyes that say make this better mom and you can't. You just can't! I am praying tonight, not for things to go the way I want but for my kids to be strong enough to withstand..I have learned that things hardly ever go your way, not in this family. We are built to be strong and the tests come early!

Some days you can't even convince your builder that he is wrong and you are not spending the next 50 years hating those windows because he won't take the time to figure out how he can make them fit. So he builds them his way and you cry and cry. Then you get mad and call your protector who comes home and says tear them down and do them the way my wife wants. Love that guy!!!

Venting

I think I have explained before that this blog is my way of getting my thoughts out of my head, on the screen and for the most part it aids me in having those angry or jealous feelings or questions that linger in my brain worked out, answered and healed. I am sorry if sometimes I seem harsh. I don't mean to be.

 I have always been one to call a duck a duck even when it's me, quack, quack. I know when my thoughts are not healthy. On the upside I have to say that once they are on the screen they are usually gone from my heart. So if I have hurt anyone out there in bloggerspace, I am sorry but this blog is a selfish setup for me to heal. I am a long way in this journey but I know I have a long way to travel. My life is kind of like the road I travel every day in fact 4 or 5 times a day, where I drive by the place where I hit the truck and our life of hell began to 3 miles down the road where I pass Loughlin's headstone. Like that road there are reminders everyday, many times a day of what is missing in my life.
 Like today as I stopped at the grave and wondered what I could put on it it so it didn't look shabby (like it does because the decorations are faded) but as I left the grave I felt sorry for myself again. 

Notice his nametag!

I thought that I should be buying missionary clothes for Lough not decorations. I can hear the negative whispers in my head saying it has been 4 years. It is reality. Get over it. The whispers make me angry and sad. My reality makes me angry and sad. There he is 7 ft under, so close but I can never talk to him or hold him again. How will I ever make it through? I miss and love you so very much Lough.






And to that one gal, who I believe is mad at me. I love you. You have always been there for me and even through this I know you  would do anything for me. So if I made you angry I am truly sorry.

I am just tired

I am just really tired. Tired of hurting and missing. Tired of forcing myself to church and activities. Tired of the weight in my chest and my heart. Tired of wondering what if, or asking why. I just thought the other day when is this going to get better, feel different?
After leaving a fireside last night at the Stake Center about the open house at the temple here in Boise, my mind was moving at Ferrari speeds. You know the last time I went to the temple it was scary. It was a completely horrifying experience where I could not get any breath and the darkness was all around. I had to be helped through the session. I felt like dying. The memories came back in vivid detail last night and then the talk of eternal families put my heart on alert. Forever families is a cute little phrase for most people, for me it is the final kicker, but for the most point I really don't understand it. I tend to over think most things in life and I know I completely over think this. First are we suppose to believe that if their are forever families, are the LDS the only ones that will enjoy this? Second if we are with our family and our kids are with their families and so on and so forth, really you will just be with your husbands, the kids will have no bearing. I don't understand the what's so great of it all.
Aanother question that came up in my mind last night is who has the Holy Ghost. Are Mormons the only ones with the Holy Ghost? I have never believed that but was being led that way in the talk. I know we are the only ones with the gift of the Holy Ghost as a constant companion but others have it right????

These are thoughts for about 15 min in my mind and it swirls and swirls with no answers, so today I have one of those headaches that covers the entire skull, pressure, like I am at some point going to explode.

Dressed to KILL

"Judge not", "Don't judge a book by it's cover","It's not what's on the outside that matters but what is on the inside"!"When we judge others we leave no room to love them."Mother Teresa. "Judge not on appearance"




I was unpleasantly surprised last night when I had to keep telling my daughter that outside appearances do not count as she was listening to someone tell her her over and over that it does. There are things in life so much more important than being dressed to kill day in and day out. I remember a talk once given in General Conference about an apostle riding home on the subway one day and a father and his unruly unkempt children rode next to him. People were talking about them being so bad. The father then said forgive my children for we just came from the hospital where their mom had just passed away. I think judging people by their outside appearance is so very dangerous. That women in sweats at Walmart might have just ran to pick up a prescription for their child who has been sick for weeks. She might have had no sleep. She might not have money to buy clothes any better than that. She might have dragged herself out of bed to buy groceries for her family even though every inch of her begged her not to go. I have been there and if I cared what you thought I would be angry for myself but I am just angry that you put such nonsense in young minds.How do you know who these women are?What they have been through? How much it takes to keep them going in this life? Seems such a petty thing to judge someone on. High yellow heels just don't work for some. So Maya remember it is always what is on the inside that matters!!! Love you so much

I Assure you, nothing has been easy about this journey.

I have heard so many comments through the last 4 years of my life. Some of those comments I can just let roll off my back. I am sure some days I have a slicker back than others, some days my skin has transformed into some sort of Velcro and even the smallest slight my way holds my anger and angst for some time. I don't really know where this comment has landed. I would say if I came from the south that it has stuck in my craw.
I will explain a bit of where I am at in this life. I attend church most Sundays. The only time I miss is when we are traveling or I am sick or kids are sick. I go for the purpose of finding some sort of faith in this life. I go searching for answers but for the most part I come away disappointed. I am not as good at hearing the message and leaving the people behind as I use to be. I am honest and will tell you it is because I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I got the shit in this life and then I have people in the church standing around watching, judging, believing they would have handled my life better than me. Maybe they would have but they were never given this opportunity to show their strengths. (STRONG SARCASM ADDED)

Yesterday in church I listened as a young mother spouted how losing your faith is the easy way in this life. How trials are given to everyone. I will assure you losing your faith is not easy. Thinking that your two children are lying lifeless in a cold grave because of you inadequacies is surely not easy. This gal has hurt others I love very much with her snide and judgmental comments. I have known her for some 15 years. If she has had trials I have missed them. Life has paved a golden brick road for her. Sometimes I wish I had the power to make them feel the pain of losing 1 or even 2 children, or having a child who is challenged or maybe 2 that are challenged, having a child in the fight of their life for more than a year. I don't want them to actually have it happen for I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but they should just have to feel it for a day. If I hear one more time in church that everyone is given their share of trials I will perhaps blow cookies all around. Anyone with eyes knows this is not true. Unless of course some have their share which is more than most could handle and others have their share in which a 4 year old could walk through with a lollipop in their mouth. I am getting stronger and I soon will correct every ill witted response from such craziness. I am so tired of the asinine in the church. So do you who's name will not be mentioned, did you have the same trials as Joseph Smith????? Of course not but you go on living in your world of pink clouds and purple waterfalls. And then why are these the women put in leadership positions?

First day of school and I still couldn't make myself take a picture. I know I am not being good to my other kids but I just can't do it still. How can it be called a family picture when not all of the family is here??? The house is so very quiet and I miss everyone of them.

My Heavy Heart

I come here today with such a heavy heart. One of my good friends has had an accident on a horse and is fighting for her life. When we changed schools I didn't get to see her as often and I always missed her smiles and her confidence building statements like, "Who gives a crap what they think?" I always felt like she was on my side. She never once judged me and I never took the time to tell her THANKS. When Harlen and I were struggling after losing Loughlin, she would always say, "Anytime you are ready, Mark and I want to go out to dinner." She was always filled with kindness in her heart. She is a kindred spirit. There are few who tell you the truth no matter what. She was like that. True is good friends with her son and just yesterday he decided to go back to Nyssa, not because of this but because it is time.

Thursday when I took Cyrus in to sign up for school in Nyssa they gave me a copy of the 2012 yearbook. The young people in that class just keep amazing me and amazing me. They took the first two pages of the yearbook and plastered them with pictures of Loughlin, two pages. They also dedicated the book to him. I love his graduating class, incredible souls. One of his friends even mentioned him in her Appreciations. I should of stopped reading there but I read on and on and on. I found myself green with envy at all the things they had done and we had missed. Oh I miss him so much. His possibilities were endless.

They wrote this in the yearbook......
"Throughout the years we have saved many cherished memories of you in these hallways and class rooms. Now the time has come where we must leave behind high school, receive our diplomas, and go our separate ways. Although there is one thing that will never change, Loughlin you will always be with us in our hearts."

Once again Thanks Class of 2012

Long , productive week

Last fair together

Last week was our county fair. We show steers each year and it seems so drawn out and hard to get through since Lough left us. This year my older boys stepped up. They were incredible. They did everything they were asked without complaining once, well maybe once for a short second. They helped Maya and Giles. They taught them what they needed to do to show their animals. In fact so much so, Maya and Giles won reserve Grand Champion Junior and Novice showman respectively. Maya had hated showing steers until that moment and Cyrus was a huge part of this new found love. We sold the animals yesterday and the kids made good money for their college years. Cyrus is going to need it. He has decided on the  "U" and out of state tuition is atrocious for the first year until he has residency.



 I am exhausted. Everyone is exhausted. The problem is when I am exhausted I dream and remember those dreams. Early this morning I dreamed of Lough. I dreamed he had been kidnapped instead of killed. I dreamed we found him. He was younger but he was back. He was crying to be in my arms and I was holding him so tight, never wanting to let him go. All the happiness I had felt last week was diminished in a moment. Can I stay in bed all day and hope the dream comes back? Can I hope for just a few more moments of holding him, his smile, his laugh, his wanting to stay with his mom. He would have showed for the last time this year. His memory seemed to lurk in every corner of the fair. One of his good friends was there with steers this year. When I saw him it made me long for Loughlin. I know in my heart he would have grown to be a great man. He always was a great young man. Oh how I miss him this morning, every morning.

Our Life for now

Cyrus came through with flying colors. He is home and doing well. He is in some pain but can walk on his legs. He is beyond tough and brave.

The house is going up fast and I mean fast. The roof might be going on today. WOW. We walk out every night after the workers leave to see what was done and it is so exciting. My front windows in the great room and my room are so cool and the view is something money can't buy.

True started football and has been a big help with the steers this year. Maya is loving YW. Giles wants friends over everyday and Lea is wild as ever. She will be getting baptized in September because of the fact fair and the august baptism bumped up against each other.

Harlen is busy farming and I have held it together for a while now, but who knows I hear there is rain on the horizon today. I just miss my boy everyday and every moment. The guilt is slowing except when surgeries happen because of the accident, or papers come in the mail, or just sometimes when I drive the road I am forced to drive so many times a day.

As we speak

Right now I am sitting at the hospital waiting for Cyrus to finish his surgery. Harlen had a meeting and I am a basketcase. He was suppose to be out 30 minutes a go. I know it is just his legs and it is just hardware but I hate having my kids under someone else's care. I hate questions over an accident I feel so responsible for. I hate more pain handed out to my innocent kids all because of my inadequacies. I hate hospitals and I love my kids more than life itself. All of these things add up to a very high anxiety rate for me. Please send a blessing our way.

No Rest for the Weary

The summer is flying by at the speed of light. We have been so busy there really hasn't been any relaxation. I have been pushing myself to keep going on all the things we need to do but I am beyond overwhelmed. Every night at about 9, I try to hold back the tears. It feels as if a summer storm engulfs my body and I cannot withstand the force. I am exhausted. I need a break from it all, by myself, just for a moment.

But most of all I still just want to know WHY?????

Plates & Screws

Yesterday was Cy's pre-op appointment to get his hardware out of his legs. Over 3 1/2 years with all this metal strengthening his once crushed legs. On Saturday I was up to Harlen's mom's house talking to her and her husband and the accident came up. Fred told me that when they took the blankets back into the ambulance workers, they asked how Cyrus was doing after they amputated his legs. They said he had them both and he was doing pretty good. They were amazed. I never knew that. I never knew really how long Cyrus was trapped in the car with Loughlin just laying there so close. I am sure it felt like an eternity to him. He was awake through it all. He is the strongest young man I know. We had to go through the accident story 3 times yesterday and after all of it, I felt once again like I had been through a 13 round bout . I was sore and tired. I will be glad when this chapter of our lives is finished and we can begin to move forward. It feels sometimes like it will never be finished.

The rest of the time  spent trying to pick out doors and other stuff for the new build on. I feel so unsure of myself. I was really never like this. I don't like it. I want the strong me back. Doors, tubs, windows, siding......should be easy but nothing is easy for my once cognitive brain.

Everyday 'ErDay'

Today I have come to realize that everyday for the rest of my life I will miss Loughlin. He was such an important part of our life, he was integrated in every aspect of our lives that there is no other way but to miss him and long for him. Today we are trimming steers and yesterday we returned home from Harlen's family reunion and just before that we traveled to Utah to take True to the Y's football camp.  I wonder sometimes how I make it through, and other times I don't make it through. I just find a quiet place where no one will judge me and I cry and I cry and I ask the why question and I get angry and I throw things and I ache in every part of my body and I know it isn't right but I just wonder if there is really a God why Loughlin. Look around, he wouldn't have wasted his life he would have cherished every day. But here we are so every mile in the car, and every campout and fishing trip, every trip to the 'Y' and wedding and new baby and the first born son events around me make me nauseated. I feel so cheated. I don't want to feel like this. Rhiannon would be 24 wow. I could be a grandma. Would that soften the blow??? Why wonder though? She is gone too. There is no softening this sadness. Harlen's family play games all of the time until all hours of the night. Loughlin loved it so much. He was always the first and the last man there. Every day makes me miss him more.

I love you Lough. I don't know if you are somewhere right now I hope so. I hope soo much there is something more, more than this life. I know the word fair is so over used but this is so not fair. If this is all there is.........

No way around it.....

Have you ever felt like, for the majority of your life, you are something that you don't want to be? You are a person that the world looks down upon. You are that person because of choices you made and acts made against you. All of these things formed your spirit and no matter what you do or how hard you pray or change your life or try to help others, you will always be that. I have tried to run away from it my whole life, the label, the knowledge, the disgrace but you can't. There is always someone there to remind you, and they don't care what you have been through. You are what you are.
And there really is no other way around it, so I will learn to live with it. I will strive to make the lives of those around me nothing like mine was. I will try to teach that with those choices only comes misery. I can cry poor pitiful me. I can walk around with my head down because of the shame. My spirit has always been a fighter but I am done fighting.
I even look at my life and think, Wow God really wants to punish her. My soul is so raw, bruised, bleeding. Why should I have any peace? I look forward to the day when all is dark and I am at rest.

Life is moving on with or without me

I have talked so many times about the difficulty of moving on but keeping one foot behind in the life that I loved. Well big things are happening in our family right now, and I believe I have no way of living in the past. All the kids are growing up around me and I feel as though the past 3 years were a blur. For instance, Cyrus will be a senior this year. Next year he will be leaving for college. This is it. This is the last year he will be constantly in our family. He is utilized in so many ways here, I don't know how we will function without him. True, well True is now 14. He is close if not over 6ft tall. He no longer looks like a kid. He is growing up so fast in front of me and I just want to make time stop and let me enjoy these years longer. Maya is 12 and left for girls camp on Tuesday. She has never been away from home for more than one night. I had to just drop her off Tuesday morning fast because I knew I was going to cry and so was she. Giles and Lea are 10 and 8. Giles thinks about paintballing and airsoft gunning constantly. Lea is so hyper that taking her to town is a chore.Where has the time gone?

The biggest news of all is that we are building on to our house. The foundation is poured, so there is no turning back. We are building on more sq footage than we are in right now. I am excited. It will be a new corner we have turned in this complicated life, a new outlook, but most of all more room. We have been squished, smashed, squashed into , as a friend once called it, a crackerbox on the hill, one bathroom, 3 rooms and most of the time 8 of us. About 10 years ago we put in the most wonderful kitchen, so I have been spoiled with the comforts of more cupboards than I still have in use years later. The color is going to be a complete surprise until it is done, but it will be spectacular.

As far as my faith. It comes and goes like the wind in Malheur County. I cherish the times when I feel the spirit. It is so much better. The peace it allows in my soul is miraculous. But other times I still feel that this is it, that there is nothing else beyond this life and the darkness overwhelms. I ended his life and now what? I cry out for God to save me from this agony. There are times when the anguish is fleeting and other times when it lasts for weeks. I know a few things for certain. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, who was giving and loving, handsome and smart and then he was ripped from our family. There is no amount of time that will fill the deep crater this has left in our life. Sometimes I am able to turn my back for a moment from this atrocity.  It doesn't help when those closest to you think you are a failure at this terrible emotion called grief. I really am doing my best. I am so tired of putting on this happy face when inside I am dying but that is what I continue to do, and that is what I will do forever. However long forever will be.

You don't deserve it

Because of the choices you have made, you don't deserve to be treated well.

But then on the other hand, I felt the spirit the other day. It hit me like a lightning bolt. It was short lived but it had been so long. I knew for a moment that Loughlin was still here, not here but here in my heart and God lives.

Isolated

Have you ever felt fear? Not fear from physical injury but just panic from being told those things you already know.

 If I was to describe myself as an edifice, I would draw you an image of a very old farm house. I have been told I have an old soul. The house would be one that has the shingles and shutters hanging on by one nail. It would be painted a happy color of yellow but now the color so faded as to look like a dingy white. The cobwebs hanging over the covered porch that is missing a few planks and if you are not careful you might find yourself with one foot left behind as you walk. I would talk about the yard that is nothing but weeds and dirt, dying flowers from inattention. The windows are so hard to see through because of the dust and grime that has accumulated over the years. People stop by but leave when they see the house in such disarray and in such shambles. Even ones who knew this house in its better days turn away.
         ......Yet if they would only take a moment to see inside they would know that a candle still shimmers in the darkness. The pictures are still in their frames from happier years. You might find a hot cooked meal on the table. Sometimes laughter could even be heard. You would have to be close to know these things and yet they stay away.
Some try to tear it down. They throw rocks at the windows and say how ugly it is. It is hard to stay standing when the foundation is being chipped away. When termites eat away at the very existence of this once beautiful house. When it falls no one will even notice. Why would they care about a broken down eye sore on the community. I would like to move this house back home but I don't really know where home is. It is not here.

To be Enjoyed not only Endured

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Oh let me just say
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
And then again
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Someone contact me on a way that this could be possible because it seems for me when one tide subsides another comes crashing down. Enduring is a feat, all of its own.

Graduation Day

The house is quiet still. I spent my first hour of today with my head face down in my pillow thinking, remembering, worrying. I was thinking how this life has really never been fair. I use that phrase in my writing often, but where did this thinking come from. I think back on my life. I made many wrong decisions but I don't think from where I came from, my knowledge, any more bad decisions than my counterparts. My brother he made a lot of crazy choices in life and the problem
with crazy choices is that with each one, it is harder to find your way back to the sane. He is now in the fight for his life, for his son's life. I know him well. I know the intentions of his heart and they have always been to help others. He is this big gruff man with the softest heart I know. I love him so very much. Others certainly have made these choices without this sentence in life. For me, losing a daughter at the early age of 18 formed my life to come. It made me a hands on mom. It made me a mom that stands up for what is right and true for my kids at any cost, and sometimes that cost is high. Losing Loughlin after already losing Rhiannon could be said to be one of the most unfair circumstances to place on a mom that there is. Yet here we are talking about a graduation day in which my son never made it to. Why? I have heard from others that he was needed more in heaven. Sure he was a great son, incredible. Why wouldn't he have been needed more on an Earth that is toiling in sin and disbelief than in a place where knowledge is abundant and God is present. I find it a way that others use to ease their sorrow, their fears of their own mortality. All I know is that none of those thought help with a mom that misses her son today as I did 3 1/2 years ago. I am angry and bitter. He touched so many lives but think what he could have done in a lifetime on this Earth. This place is better because he lived but he could have lived another 80 years. (that is my Icelandic heritage that made that amount of years possible) It is also my Icelandic heritage that makes me strong, it makes me want to keep those around me safe. But even with all my effort they were not safe. I am not chosen. I am forgotten ans my family is forgotten by that Heavenly Being supposedly in charge of our lives. As far as the world being fair. Really nothing is fair in life. We come up with this thinking on our own, maybe as a dire request for things around us to make sense.

The remembering this morning is painful. It seems that when I remember I ache. I ache for what will never be. I had to get True a baby picture for his 8th grade graduation. I am not organized and all my pictures are in totes waiting to be placed in books. I found so many more pictures of Loughlin. Loughlin holding True as he held him in real life. I watch True and the anger is not hidden but on the edge all the time waiting to be released. Cyrus at home last night instead with all the friends he has. Harlen, so close to his son. They were, wow, almost one, his firstborn, the one that always called his dad, his hero. The love so strong. God cared so much for his firstborn. Are we not made in his likeness? He was angry. He darkened the Earth, quakes and other catastrophes. But us we are suppose to take this with a smile on our face. Are we asked to be stronger than God? Christ was even coming back to His throne on high. Where does this thinking come from?

And now I worry. I worry because of choices that are being thrust upon us once again for standing up for what is right in a world that cares not what is correct but what looks best. I have a hard time backing down when the world around us overlooks the wrongs. My heels dig in. My rebellion grows. I am ready for the fight once again in my mind but the soul tires. I am tired.

Strength, Graduations & Birthdays

I am hoping upon hope that I can muster the strength to make it through tonight's awards assembly where Harlen and I will be handing out the 8 scholarships to some really great kids in Loughlin's honor.(They are certainly not kids anymore but that is a way I am coping with this new wave of sorrow in our lives). It is an extremely busy week packed full of so many life fulfilling events. 

True graduated from 8th grade yesterday, sort of a relief. He is so full of life and funny and likes to really enjoy everyday, which gets him in trouble once in a while. He received the Presidential Academic award, pulling that off with being the only 8th grader in Geometry. He has plenty of brains but sometimes he uses those brains for far from scholastically proven projects. I am extremely proud of him. The ceremony struck so many raw nerves remembering Loughlin there. The last school awards assembly he attended.Everything around me seems so bittersweet.

Cyrus turned 17 yesterday. "17" !!! He made it. We made it. Each day is a gift of some kind.  2 years past what I had ever known before. He is an incredible young man. Sometimes he seems older than me. Life has been so cruel at times for him, has made him grow up too fast, made him somewhat solitary. He pulls off a 3.7-3.8 without  more than 5 nights of homework total this year. He was blessed with a very analytically induced mind, but since the accident, he has had a hard time concentrating for long periods of time. He is so close to my heart, I know, all of my babies are but Cyrus lives with guilt as his mom does.

I am coaching softball this year, Maya's team. I am old. I am fat. I am out of shape. Our team is less than perfect. Man I am having fun though, through it all. It certainly is a break from the mundane. 

The Power of Prayer

Lessons on prayer seem to put my anxiety on high alert. Of all of the faith related aspects of religion, it seems prayer has by far suffered the most. I have no faith in the power of prayer. I find it insulting to my intelligence to tell me God is in control of every minuscule, molecule of our life but then to tell us to pray if you need something. Well if He is in charge what difference does a prayer make? I know it never kept my family safe, when we prayed for it every morning. And for those that might comment "well it did every time before that", Not quite good enough for me.

 As far as blessings helping your son out of the hospital a couple of days earlier than another boy because your son got a priesthood blessing. I am almost positive God does not or would not work like that. 

The countdown to graduation is steaming right on and today the grief is back in full throttle. Green day was playing on the way home from town, "another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go,so make the best of this test and don't ask why,it's not a question but a lesson learned in time, it's something unpredictable but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life." Loughlin loved this song. I miss him.

Decisions Decisions

Our family finally made the decisions on the scholarships. It was so hard picking out of such great kids. We loved them all so much. I find myself relieved to have that job done, no more mind changing and contemplating and worrying about feelings. I think we found the ones Loughlin would really want to receive this money and help. 4 girls and 4 boys will be the recipients.

In other news True went to the Oregon coast on a school trip for 4 days and the house has been eerily quiet, too quiet. True's friend Kevin spends most of his days here also and so we are really missing 2 voices in the pack. I am coaching Maya's softball team this year. I haven't coached since Loughlin and Cyrus were rookies, a long time ago. My oh my am I feeling the muscles I had forgotten I owned. I love coaching though, I just hope I haven't lost my mojo.

The grief has really calmed for these last few days. I am resting for I do believe it is the calm before the storm.

24 years ago Rhiannon was born

Today is Rhiannon's birthday. She was a beautiful baby girl that I had only a short moment in time to enjoy. I know others say babies cannot smile but I remember her smiling. She hardly ever cried. She was so close to perfect. So long ago and yet it still stings.

I hope not today to go to the place where I long for what could have been. It seems the grief has ebbed for just a while. I need to gain strength for the upcoming weeks. So Happy Birthday my dear sweet baby. I love and miss you so much.

Yesterday's rant

I could think about apologizing for yesterday's rant but then again I was really holding back the feelings and thoughts that were traveling through my mind. I could have gone to the wish that the plague of the first born be visited upon the Earth again as it was in Moses' time, for I could withstand it twice and not be affected. But these are just random furious thoughts that I don't really wish but only wish that I was not having these dreadful feelings in such a dramatic fashion again. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and my husband and my kids but sometimes I think I am only doing what I have to to survive. This is my way for now. You might think that I am wrong and weak. You might also think that I am a bit crazy and livid. You are no different than I except that I know I am all of those things.

Answer me this question:

If God brought the plague of the first born of Egypt to punish them for their evilness and iniquities, their not setting the Jews free, how can I not consider this a punishment for something I have done? How are you suppose to look at this as a test,  as some might have said, as a trial , others have mentioned, and the best one is because He loves me? He loves me as the pharaoh of old........................... hah

3 1/2 years and yet, it hurts like yesterday.

He is not here and he is not coming back

As I sat and lamented the reasons this graduation is incapacitating my every move I have leaped to the conclusion that this graduation is a huge reminder that Loughlin is gone. He is gone forever and he is not coming back.He is not going to be here for all of the important events in our lives. He is gone and even though those around us placate us with such nonsensical platitudes like he is close and he is watching, none of those are close to a factual truth. He is gone. He is not going to graduate, or go on a mission, or get married, have kids. He is gone. I know it makes others feel better to tell my family that this life is short, but that is because you don't feel this turmoil brewing in my soul. You don't feel the knife cutting out my heart. You don't feel the blur and confusion that racks my brain, so that even the simplest decisions seem as though I am solving a complex statistical equation. Life is not short. It is an ongoing, humiliating, torturous trial and I don't like it, nor do I enjoy living like this. Yesterday in church it was mentioned that we don't have any young men graduating. I am struggling for breath, take that knife, plunge it into my heart, twist it back and forth to get the full effect, pull it out and let me drop to the ground. The problem is I am still alive barely but alive.

Grandma's Embrace

Today I wish I could have my Grandma's arms around me telling me it will all be ok. It seems when she would tell me, I somehow would believe, even through some tough times. I need some assurance because I feel nothing but hopelessness. I am overwhelmed with grief and loneliness. I want my son back, graduating in 2 weeks. I want to see his kind face smiling in the sunshine. I want to fish with him up at the Owyhee. I want to just listen to him talk for hours about his dreams. If I can't have those things, I want to crawl into a dark space. I want to be alone in my misery. Missing falls so short of my feelings. It is no longer a gnawing. It feels as if a jagged toothed monster has ripped open my soul. God take away some of this pain or I will not make it through. Can you die of a broken heart?

Broke

I don't think I can live like this much more. I am so sad and I miss you Lough so much, I can't breath. My heart is broke. My hope is shattered. The pain is unbearable. I am tired, so very tired. I have been waiting for that brighter day but it isn't coming.

Graduation & Everything that goes with It

I have to say I completely underestimated the dismal response I would have to the upcoming graduation of Loughlin's classmates. I had ignored all of the extras that go along with it, the announcements, invites, presents, parties, and happiness. We also have to choose 8 of Lough's friends to give scholarships to. He had great friends and it is so hard. I just want to hibernate for a month until it is all over. I am almost positive he would be leaving for the "Y" and starting his life in the big bad world. It feels so unfair. I wonder what he would look like, how tall, how smart, would he have a girlfriend??? But most of all I just dream of holding my grown up boy.

Cyrus finally got his driver's license yesterday He was so excited and I was so proud. I love him so much. He is such a brave man. And then I could see all the excitement and happiness drain out of him this morning as he thought of taking the kids to school. He doesn't want that responsibility and really who would blame him. I wish I could bring back that naive and happy world we use to live in. I have tried but it is impossible. I feel honored to have such a son. In the last month he turned students in for cheating in his school, knowing the repercussions even from some teachers. He is mature beyond his years, beyond some adults years. He is exactly what his brother Loughlin and him always were, Steadfast, Decent and Principled. He is such a model for the others to look to.

Enough

I am at a breaking point. I am tired and overwhelmed and it seems as if one more thing slithers its way into my life, the mind might yield. The world seems disillusioned and confused. Honesty is no longer a concern in the schools. How are you to instill this virtue when the administrators slap the wrist, whisper cover ups and send the perpetrators on their way. Saddened by Senior Class pictures in the newspapers and the fliers, Letters from attorneys blaming me for my son's death and crazy moms that want to defile sacred ground to plead their cases. I would find a warm safe hole to crawl into if I wasn't blessed with a very extreme case of claustrophobia. God save the Queen!

Forced Order of Somekind

Our basement flooded, not once but twice last week. My first reaction was to call Oregon concrete and just fill the (explicit) thing up but last night we finally got to the dirty deed and I mean dirty. I have spent maybe a total of 15 minutes downstairs in the last 3 1/2 years. I haven't had the courage to be in Loughlin's space. I know some days I am making progress but I never have made progress there. It showed. Boys are just not built for deep cleaning, or cleaning in general. The food room is down there also, imaging a place of food storage with no upkeep for 3 years. UUUGGGHHH.  Now it is gutted. It looks like when we moved in, well it still has walls but I am sure you can picture. Everything was ruined, maybe save the mattresses. Anyway in all the madness, Harlen found the note with Kayla's picture on it that Loughlin and I searched for hours for after he dropped it, on the way home from school. Cy and him were fighting and I made him walk, I guess because he was the eldest but the whole day came back in full color and I am a walking wilted flower lately and these vivid memories do nothing but cause pain and sorrow. He would be graduating in a few days and yet all I have is 8th grade memories. This life sucks more than I can put into words. All these kids graduating and Lough well he is just gone and how can any of this be fair? I hate it here!!!!

Friends with Real Benefits

Harlen and I went to visit a husband and wife who live close by who have also lost 2 kids, on Tuesday night. It was nice in a lot of ways. Let's call the husband Joe and the wife Lucy. Joe spoke of the feeling of invincibility after he lost his young son. He thought he and his family were safe and protected. I also had that feeling after losing Rhiannon, like nothing would ever hurt like that again, that God took 1, he wouldn't take another. He spoke of what a mountain it was to climb when that invincibility broke and he had to realize that none of us are safe ever. His wife grieved a lot like Harlen and they also did not grieve a like. I still was the lone woMan out on the losing my faith but I always have walked a different path and usually not a easy path. It seems I miss the road signs and I never carry a map in this life. Lucy was sweet. She had accidentally backed over her young boy. She never carried the guilt, that is admirable. They are quite a ways further out of this grief than us but it was warming to see that it might get easier.

My closest friend in the world is the one that strengthens me. She lost her beautiful daughter to cancer at 15 after a long, hard, fought battle. She is strong. Her family is incredible. She still has trial after trial thrown at her and she comes out bruised and battered but she comes out stronger than anyone I know. She calls me and lifts my spirit when I am down and even though she has a daughter the same age as me, I could talk for hours on end to her. I love her and would do anything for her.

I have other friends who have not experienced this test but have been cheerleaders for us through this horrific process. These are the friends I want to surround myself with. Friends that do not judge or think I am weak for this road I am on. It is my road and only those who travel it with me can help lead me to the light.

Religion & Politics

I have had the opportunity in the last couple of years to observe the workings of church members from what you could say an outsider's view. I am having a hard time with plenty aspects of the church. I think in some way losing my faith has opened my eyes. I do not take anything for granted. I want to feel again without looking for reasons or proof but I am stuck in this world of show me. I love politics. I love how politicians say what you want to hear and say it to the right people. I love how they give more money, in election years to charity, well if they are smart they do. I love how they pretend to care about the downtrodden and the poor of heart. I really love how they promise to give so many freebies to so many different folks. They are always looking for a bigger and better position or calling in life.
Now if you didn't know any better wouldn't you think I was talking about the members of the church?, some members, most members, maybe? It makes me sad to watch so many people help others out of duty and not out of love. Maybe some don't know when you help them with that gleam in your eyes as if to say I am so much better than you. I would never have made the choices you have made even with the challenges you faced. That might be true and it also could be true that you wouldn't have made it this far. You care far more about the physical gain than you do a spiritual gain, houses, cars, tractors, etc. etc. and you strive for the callings in the church that will gain you your pride and the love of others. You talk to those you think will give you that advantage. Why Why would you want to be in those callings? Walls are so much easier than dealing with this tripe.

Conference

I have to say I use to enjoy Conference. It was a weekend that my family was together. We sat down to at least 2 of the sessions. We ate good. We laughed. We just enjoyed each others company. Now it seems as though Conference is an infomercial. The church trying to make you believe that if you are in this church, you are happy, that good things happen. We are to believe that people in the church care about the lost sheep. I know you are questioning the blasphemy of it all but just listen to my argument. Quite a few of the talks are about miracles. Everyone loves a miracle. Yet story after story of miracles does a mind and soul damage when your miracle didn't happen. When you hear example after example of children being healed or rescued, you have to wonder why God, if there is a God, overlooked you. He let my child die not once but twice. Look around. Are there really that many miracles? And yet I missed the talks of parents struggling to stay a float when their miracles never came true. When they lived through watching their child die in front of them. When they had to endure the sight of their children's cold lifeless bodies laying next to them. Do they understand it feels as though they have been forgotten by their Lord?, That everyday in this church is not a joyous day, That there are days on this Earth when Hell is closer than Heaven. I don't want to hear of miracles, miracles are for the weak, miracles are a forfeit in the 1st half of this game we call life, a gimme call by the ref. It isn't real. Real is living through this Hell. The people that have received their miracles don't need yet another pat on their backs, another story told of their miracle. It isn't fair to raise a false hope in the minds of the moms and dads out there waiting for a miracle. Be honest, don't let them think it is their fault that they weren't chosen, that they were not righteous enough to receive such blessings. It is a cruel game in which there are no winners.

Even Joseph Smith grew weary of this life. "Oh! I am so tired--so tired that I often feel to long for my day of rest. For what has there been in this life but tribulation for me? From a boy I have been persecuted by my enemies, and now even my friends are beginning to join with them to hate and persecute me! Why should I not wish for my time of rest?"